Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series
Give me the storm!
YATS. [Aside] Wonderful woman! I’m in love! Up to my ears!
[Enter DASHENKA, MOZGOVOY, GROOMSMEN, various ladies and gentlemen,
etc. They all noisily seat themselves at the table. There is a minute’s
pause, while the band plays a march.]
MOZGOVOY. [Rising] Ladies and gentlemen! I must tell you this.... We are
going to have a great many toasts and speeches. Don’t let’s wait, but
begin at once. Ladies and gentlemen, the newly married!
[The band plays a flourish. Cheers. Glasses are touched. APLOMBOV and
DASHENKA kiss each other.]
YATS. Beautiful! Beautiful! I must say, ladies and gentlemen, giving
honour where it is due, that this room and the accommodation generally
are splendid! Excellent, wonderful! Only you know, there’s one thing
we haven’t got--electric light, if I may say so! Into every country
electric light has already been introduced, only Russia lags behind.
ZHIGALOV. [Meditatively] Electricity... h’m.... In my opinion electric
lighting is just a swindle.... They put a live coal in and think you
don’t see them! No, if you want a light, then you don’t take a coal, but
something real, something special, that you can get hold of! You must
have a fire, you understand, which is natural, not just an invention!
YATS. If you’d ever seen an electric battery, and how it’s made up,
you’d think differently.
ZHIGALOV. Don’t want to see one. It’s a swindle, a fraud on the
public.... They want to squeeze our last breath out of us.... We know
then, these... And, young man, instead of defending a swindle, you would
be much better occupied if you had another yourself and poured out some
for other people--yes!
APLOMBOV. I entirely agree with you, papa. Why start a learned
discussion? I myself have no objection to talking about every possible
scientific discovery, but this isn’t the time for all that! [To
DASHENKA] What do you think, _ma chère_?
DASHENKA. They want to show how educated they are, and so they always
talk about things we can’t understand.
NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Thank God, we’ve lived our time without being
educated, and here we are marrying off our third daughter to an honest
man. And if you think we’re uneducated, then what do you want to come
here for? Go to your educated friends!
YATS. I, Nastasya Timofeyevna, have always held your family in respect,
and if I did start talking about electric lighting it doesn’t mean that
I’m proud. I’ll drink, to show you. I have always sincerely wished Daria
Evdokimovna a good husband. In these days, Nastasya Timofeyevna, it is
difficult to find a good husband. Nowadays everybody is on the look-out
for a marriage where there is profit, money....
APLOMBOV. That’s a hint!
YATS. [His courage failing] I wasn’t hinting at anything.... Present
company is always excepted.... I was only in general.... Please!
Everybody knows that you’re marrying for love... the dowry is quite
trifling.
NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. No, it isn’t trifling! You be careful what you
say. Besides a thousand roubles of good money, we’re giving three
dresses, the bed, and all the furniture. You won’t find another dowry
like that in a hurry!
YATS. I didn’t mean... The furniture’s splendid, of course, and... and
the dresses, but I never hinted at what they are getting offended at.
NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Don’t you go making hints. We respect you on
account of your parents, and we’ve invited you to the wedding, and here
you go talking. If you knew that Epaminond Maximovitch was marrying for
profit, why didn’t you say so before? [Tearfully] I brought her up,
I fed her, I nursed her.... I cared for her more than if she was an
emerald jewel, my little girl....
APLOMBOV. And you go and believe him? Thank you so much! I’m very
grateful to you! [To YATS] And as for you, Mr. Yats, although you are
acquainted with me, I shan’t allow you to behave like this in another’s
house. Please get out of this!
YATS. What do you mean?
APLOMBOV. I want you to be as straightforward as I am! In short, please
get out! [Band plays a flourish]
THE GENTLEMEN. Leave him alone! Sit down! Is it worth it! Let him be!
Stop it now!
YATS. I never... I... I don’t understand.... Please, I’ll go.... Only
you first give me the five roubles which you borrowed from me last year
on the strength of a _piqué_ waistcoat, if I may say so. Then I’ll just
have another drink and... go, only give me the money first.
VARIOUS GENTLEMEN. Sit down! That’s enough! Is it worth it, just for
such trifles?
A GROOMSMAN. [Shouts] The health of the bride’s parents, Evdokim
Zaharitch and Nastasya Timofeyevna! [Band plays a flourish. Cheers.]
ZHIGALOV. [Bows in all directions, in great emotion] I thank you! Dear
guests! I am very grateful to you for not having forgotten and for
having conferred this honour upon us without being standoffish And you
must not think that I’m a rascal, or that I’m trying to swindle anybody.
I’m speaking from my heart--from the purity of my soul! I wouldn’t deny
anything to good people! We thank you very humbly! [Kisses.]
DASHENKA. [To her mother] Mama, why are you crying? I’m so happy!
APLOMBOV. _Maman_ is disturbed at your coming separation. But I should
advise her rather to remember the last talk we had.
YATS. Don’t cry, Nastasya Timofeyevna! Just think what are human tears,
anyway? Just petty psychiatry, and nothing more!
ZMEYUKINA. And are there any red-haired men in Greece?
DIMBA. Yes, everysing is zere.
ZHIGALOV. But you don’t have our kinds of mushroom.
DIMBA. Yes, we’ve got zem and everysing.
MOZGOVOY. Harlampi Spiridonovitch, it’s your turn to speak! Ladies and
gentlemen, a speech!
ALL. [To DIMBA] Speech! speech! Your turn!
DIMBA. Why? I don’t understand.... What is it!
ZMEYUKINA. No, no! You can’t refuse! It’s you turn! Get up!
DIMBA. [Gets up, confused] I can’t say what... Zere’s Russia and zere’s
Greece. Zere’s people in Russia and people in Greece.... And zere’s
people swimming the sea in karavs, which mean sips, and people on
the land in railway trains. I understand. We are Greeks and you are
Russians, and I want nussing.... I can tell you... zere’s Russia and
zere’s Greece...
[Enter NUNIN.]
NUNIN. Wait, ladies and gentlemen, don’t eat now! Wait! Just one minute,
Nastasya Timofeyevna! Just come here, if you don’t mind! [Takes NASTASYA
TIMOFEYEVNA aside, puffing] Listen... The General’s coming... I
found one at last.... I’m simply worn out.... A real General, a solid
one--old, you know, aged perhaps eighty, or even ninety.
NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. When is he coming?
NUNIN. This minute. You’ll be grateful to me all your life. [Note: A
few lines have been omitted: they refer to the “General’s” rank and
its civil equivalent in words for which the English language has
no corresponding terms. The “General” is an ex-naval officer, a
second-class captain.]
NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. You’re not deceiving me, Andrey darling?
NUNIN. Well, now, am I a swindler? You needn’t worry!
NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [Sighs] One doesn’t like to spend money for
nothing, Andrey darling!
NUNIN. Don’t you worry! He’s not a general, he’s a dream! [Raises his
voice] I said to him: “You’ve quite forgotten us, your Excellency!
It isn’t kind of your Excellency to forget your old friends! Nastasya
Timofeyevna,” I said to him, “she’s very annoyed with you about it!”
[Goes and sits at the table] And he says to me: “But, my friend, how can
I go when I don’t know the bridegroom?” “Oh, nonsense, your excellency,
why stand on ceremony? The bridegroom,” I said to him, “he’s a fine
fellow, very free and easy. He’s a valuer,” I said, “at the Law courts,
and don’t you think, your excellency, that he’s some rascal, some knave
of hearts. Nowadays,” I said to him, “even decent women are employed at
the Law courts.” He slapped me on the shoulder, we smoked a Havana cigar
each, and now he’s coming.... Wait a little, ladies and gentlemen, don’t
eat....
APLOMBOV. When’s he coming?
NUNIN. This minute. When I left him he was already putting on his
goloshes. Wait a little, ladies and gentlemen, don’t eat yet.
APLOMBOV. The band should be told to play a march.
NUNIN. [Shouts] Musicians! A march! [The band plays a march for a
minute.]
A WAITER. Mr. Revunov-Karaulov!
[ZHIGALOV, NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA, and NUNIN run to meet him. Enter
REVUNOV-KARAULOV.]
NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [Bowing] Please come in, your excellency! So glad
you’ve come!
REVUNOV. Awfully!
ZHIGALOV. We, your excellency, aren’t celebrities, we aren’t important,
but quite ordinary, but don’t think on that account that there’s any
fraud. We put good people into the best place, we begrudge nothing.
Please!
REVUNOV. Awfully glad!
NUNIN. Let me introduce to you, your excellency, the bridegroom,
Epaminond Maximovitch Aplombov, with his newly born... I mean his newly
married wife! Ivan Mihailovitch Yats, employed on the telegraph! A
foreigner of Greek nationality, a confectioner by trade, Harlampi
Spiridonovitch Dimba! Osip Lukitch Babelmandebsky! And so on, and so
on.... The rest are just trash. Sit down, your excellency!
REVUNOV. Awfully! Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I just want to say
two words to Andrey. [Takes NUNIN aside] I say, old man, I’m a little
put out.... Why do you call me your excellency? I’m not a general! I
don’t rank as the equivalent of a colonel, even.
NUNIN. [Whispers] I know, only, Fyodor Yakovlevitch, be a good man
and let us call you your excellency! The family here, you see, is
patriarchal; it respects the aged, it likes rank.
REVUNOV. Oh, if it’s like that, very well.... [Goes to the table]
Awfully!
NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Sit down, your excellency! Be so good as to have
some of this, your excellency! Only forgive us for not being used to
etiquette; we’re plain people!
REVUNOV. [Not hearing] What? Hm... yes. [Pause] Yes.... In the old days
everybody used to live simply and was happy. In spite of my rank, I am
a man who lives plainly. To-day Andrey comes to me and asks me to come
here to the wedding. “How shall I go,” I said, “when I don’t know them?
It’s not good manners!” But he says: “They are good, simple, patriarchal
people, glad to see anybody.” Well, if that’s the case... why not?
Very glad to come. It’s very dull for me at home by myself, and if my
presence at a wedding can make anybody happy, then I’m delighted to be
here....
ZHIGALOV. Then that’s sincere, is it, your excellency? I respect that!
I’m a plain man myself, without any deception, and I respect others who
are like that. Eat, your excellency!
APLOMBOV. Is it long since you retired, your excellency?
REVUNOV. Eh? Yes, yes.... Quite true.... Yes. But, excuse me, what
is this? The fish is sour... and the bread is sour. I can’t eat this!
[APLOMBOV and DASHENKA kiss each other] He, he, he... Your health!
[Pause] Yes.... In the old days everything was simple and everybody was
glad.... I love simplicity.... I’m an old man. I retired in 1865. I’m
72. Yes, of course, in my younger days it was different, but--[Sees
MOZGOVOY] You there... a sailor, are you?
MOZGOVOY. Yes, just so.
REVUNOV. Aha, so... yes. The navy means hard work. There’s a lot to
think about and get a headache over. Every insignificant word has, so
to speak, its special meaning! For instance, “Hoist her top-sheets
and mainsail!” What’s it mean? A sailor can tell! He, he!--With almost
mathematical precision!
NUNIN. The health of his excellency Fyodor Yakovlevitch
Revunov-Karaulov! [Band plays a flourish. Cheers.]
YATS. You, your excellency, have just expressed yourself on the subject
of the hard work involved in a naval career. But is telegraphy any
easier? Nowadays, your excellency, nobody is appointed to the telegraphs
if he cannot read and write French and German. But the transmission of