Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series

telegrams is the most difficult thing of all. Awfully difficult! Just listen. [Taps with his fork on the table, like a telegraphic transmitter.] REVUNOV. What does that mean? YATS. It means, “I honour you, your excellency, for your virtues.” You think it’s easy? Listen now. [Taps.] REVUNOV. Louder; I can’t hear.... YATS. That means, “Madam, how happy I am to hold you in my embraces!” REVUNOV. What madam are you talking about? Yes.... [To MOZGOVOY] Yes, if there’s a head-wind you must... let’s see... you must hoist your foretop halyards and topsail halyards! The order is: “On the cross-trees to the foretop halyards and topsail halyards” and at the same time, as the sails get loose, you take hold underneath of the foresail and fore-topsail halyards, stays and braces. A GROOMSMAN. [Rising] Ladies and gentlemen... REVUNOV. [Cutting him short] Yes... there are a great many orders to give. “Furl the fore-topsail and the foretop-gallant sail!!” Well, what does that mean? It’s very simple! It means that if the top and top-gallant sails are lifting the halyards, they must level the foretop and foretop-gallant halyards on the hoist and at the same time the top-gallants braces, as needed, are loosened according to the direction of the wind... NUNIN. [To REVUNOV] Fyodor Yakovlevitch, Mme. Zhigalov asks you to talk about something else. It’s very dull for the guests, who can’t understand.... REVUNOV. What? Who’s dull? [To MOZGOVOY] Young man! Now suppose the ship is lying by the wind, on the starboard tack, under full sail, and you’ve got to bring her before the wind. What’s the order? Well, first you whistle up above! He, he! NUNIN. Fyodor Yakovlevitch, that’s enough. Eat something. REVUNOV. As soon as the men are on deck you give the order, “To your places!” What a life! You give orders, and at the same time you’ve got to keep your eyes on the sailors, who run about like flashes of lightning and get the sails and braces right. And at last you can’t restrain yourself, and you shout, “Good children!” [He chokes and coughs.] A GROOMSMAN. [Making haste to use the ensuing pause to advantage] On this occasion, so to speak, on the day on which we have met together to honour our dear... REVUNOV. [Interrupting] Yes, you’ve got to remember all that! For instance, “Hoist the topsail halyards. Lower the topsail gallants!” THE GROOMSMAN. [Annoyed] Why does he keep on interrupting? We shan’t get through a single speech like that! NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. We are dull people, your excellency, and don’t understand a word of all that, but if you were to tell us something appropriate... REVUNOV. [Not hearing] I’ve already had supper, thank you. Did you say there was goose? Thanks... yes. I’ve remembered the old days.... It’s pleasant, young man! You sail on the sea, you have no worries, and [In an excited tone of voice] do you remember the joy of tacking? Is there a sailor who doesn’t glow at the memory of that manoeuvre? As soon as the word is given and the whistle blown and the crew begins to go up--it’s as if an electric spark has run through them all. From the captain to the cabin-boy, everybody’s excited. ZMEYUKINA. How dull! How dull! [General murmur.] REVUNOV. [Who has not heard it properly] Thank you, I’ve had supper. [With enthusiasm] Everybody’s ready, and looks to the senior officer. He gives the command: “Stand by, gallants and topsail braces on the starboard side, main and counter-braces to port!” Everything’s done in a twinkling. Top-sheets and jib-sheets are pulled... taken to starboard. [Stands up] The ship takes the wind and at last the sails fill out. The senior officer orders, “To the braces,” and himself keeps his eye on the mainsail, and when at last this sail is filling out and the ship begins to turn, he yells at the top of his voice, “Let go the braces! Loose the main halyards!” Everything flies about, there’s a general confusion for a moment--and everything is done without an error. The ship has been tacked! NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [Exploding] General, your manners.... You ought to be ashamed of yourself, at your age! REVUNOV. Did you say sausage? No, I haven’t had any... thank you. NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [Loudly] I say you ought to be ashamed of yourself at your age! General, your manners are awful! NUNIN. [Confused] Ladies and gentlemen, is it worth it? Really... REVUNOV. In the first place, I’m not a general, but a second-class naval captain, which, according to the table of precedence, corresponds to a lieutenant-colonel. NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. If you’re not a general, then what did you go and take our money for? We never paid you money to behave like that! REVUNOV. [Upset] What money? NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. You know what money. You know that you got 25 roubles from Andrey Andreyevitch.... [To NUNIN] And you look out, Andrey! I never asked you to hire a man like that! NUNIN. There now... let it drop. Is it worth it? REVUNOV. Paid... hired.... What is it? APLOMBOV. Just let me ask you this. Did you receive 25 roubles from Andrey Andreyevitch? REVUNOV. What 25 roubles? [Suddenly realizing] That’s what it is! Now I understand it all.... How mean! How mean! APLOMBOV. Did you take the money? REVUNOV. I haven’t taken any money! Get away from me! [Leaves the table] How mean! How low! To insult an old man, a sailor, an officer who has served long and faithfully! If you were decent people I could call somebody out, but what can I do now? [Absently] Where’s the door? Which way do I go? Waiter, show me the way out! Waiter! [Going] How mean! How low! [Exit.] NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Andrey, where are those 25 roubles? NUNIN. Is it worth while bothering about such trifles? What does it matter! Everybody’s happy here, and here you go.... [Shouts] The health of the bride and bridegroom! A march! A march! [The band plays a march] The health of the bride and bridegroom! ZMEYUKINA. I’m suffocating! Give me atmosphere! I’m suffocating with you all round me! YATS. [In a transport of delight] My beauty! My beauty! [Uproar.] A GROOMSMAN. [Trying to shout everybody else down] Ladies and gentlemen! On this occasion, if I may say so... Curtain. THE BEAR CHARACTERS ELENA IVANOVNA POPOVA, a landowning little widow, with dimples on her cheeks GRIGORY STEPANOVITCH SMIRNOV, a middle-aged landowner LUKA, Popova’s aged footman [A drawing-room in POPOVA’S house.] [POPOVA is in deep mourning and has her eyes fixed on a photograph. LUKA is haranguing her.] LUKA. It isn’t right, madam.... You’re just destroying yourself. The maid and the cook have gone off fruit picking, every living being is rejoicing, even the cat understands how to enjoy herself and walks about in the yard, catching midges; only you sit in this room all day, as if this was a convent, and don’t take any pleasure. Yes, really! I reckon it’s a whole year that you haven’t left the house! POPOVA. I shall never go out.... Why should I? My life is already at an end. He is in his grave, and I have buried myself between four walls.... We are both dead. LUKA. Well, there you are! Nicolai Mihailovitch is dead, well, it’s the will of God, and may his soul rest in peace.... You’ve mourned him--and quite right. But you can’t go on weeping and wearing mourning for ever. My old woman died too, when her time came. Well? I grieved over her, I wept for a month, and that’s enough for her, but if I’ve got to weep for a whole age, well, the old woman isn’t worth it. [Sighs] You’ve forgotten all your neighbours. You don’t go anywhere, and you see nobody. We live, so to speak, like spiders, and never see the light. The mice have eaten my livery. It isn’t as if there were no good people around, for the district’s full of them. There’s a regiment quartered at Riblov, and the officers are such beauties--you can never gaze your fill at them. And, every Friday, there’s a ball at the camp, and every day the soldier’s band plays.... Eh, my lady! You’re young and beautiful, with roses in your cheek--if you only took a little pleasure. Beauty won’t last long, you know. In ten years’ time you’ll want to be a pea-hen yourself among the officers, but they won’t look at you, it will be too late. POPOVA. [With determination] I must ask you never to talk to me about it! You know that when Nicolai Mihailovitch died, life lost all its meaning for me. I vowed never to the end of my days to cease to wear mourning, or to see the light.... You hear? Let his ghost see how well I love him.... Yes, I know it’s no secret to you that he was often unfair to me, cruel, and... and even unfaithful, but I shall be true till death, and show him how I can love. There, beyond the grave, he will see me as I was before his death.... LUKA. Instead of talking like that you ought to go and have a walk in the garden, or else order Toby or Giant to be harnessed, and then drive out to see some of the neighbours. POPOVA. Oh! [Weeps.] LUKA. Madam! Dear madam! What is it? Bless you! POPOVA. He was so fond of Toby! He always used to ride on him to the Korchagins and Vlasovs. How well he could ride! What grace there was in his figure when he pulled at the reins with all his strength! Do you remember? Toby, Toby! Tell them to give him an extra feed of oats. LUKA. Yes, madam. [A bell rings noisily.] POPOVA. [Shaking] Who’s that? Tell them that I receive nobody. LUKA. Yes, madam. [Exit.] POPOVA. [Looks at the photograph] You will see, Nicolas, how I can love and forgive.... My love will die out with me, only when this poor heart will cease to beat. [Laughs through her tears] And aren’t you ashamed? I am a good and virtuous little wife. I’ve locked myself in, and will be true to you till the grave, and you... aren’t you ashamed, you bad child? You deceived me, had rows with me, left me alone for weeks on end.... [LUKA enters in consternation.] LUKA. Madam, somebody is asking for you. He wants to see you.... POPOVA. But didn’t you tell him that since the death of my husband I’ve stopped receiving? LUKA. I did, but he wouldn’t even listen; says that it’s a very pressing affair. POPOVA. I do not re-ceive! LUKA. I told him so, but the... the devil... curses and pushes himself right in.... He’s in the dining-room now. POPOVA. [Annoyed] Very well, ask him in.... What manners! [Exit LUKA] How these people annoy me! What does he want of me? Why should he disturb my peace? [Sighs] No, I see that I shall have to go into a convent after all. [Thoughtfully] Yes, into a convent.... [Enter LUKA with SMIRNOV.] SMIRNOV. [To LUKA] You fool, you’re too fond of talking.... Ass! [Sees POPOVA and speaks with respect] Madam, I have the honour to present myself, I am Grigory Stepanovitch Smirnov, landowner and retired lieutenant of artillery! I am compelled to disturb you on a very pressing affair. POPOVA. [Not giving him her hand] What do you want? SMIRNOV. Your late husband, with whom I had the honour of being acquainted, died in my debt for one thousand two hundred roubles, on two bills of exchange. As I’ve got to pay the interest on a mortgage to-morrow, I’ve come to ask you, madam, to pay me the money to-day. POPOVA. One thousand two hundred.... And what was my husband in debt to you for? SMIRNOV. He used to buy oats from me. POPOVA. [Sighing, to LUKA] So don’t you forget, Luka, to give Toby an extra feed of oats. [Exit LUKA] If Nicolai Mihailovitch died in debt to you, then I shall certainly pay you, but you must excuse me to-day, as I haven’t any spare cash. The day after to-morrow my steward will be back from town, and I’ll give him instructions to settle your account, but at the moment I cannot do as you wish.... Moreover, it’s exactly seven