Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
once closed cannot be opened. For this improvement the
artist obtained a patent; but he is not likely to derive
much advantage from his invention, as the parish officers
within the bills of mortality have generally refused the
rites of sepulture to bodies cased in iron; alleging, that
the almost imperishable material would shortly compel an
enlargement of burying ground, at a vast expence, which it
is the duty of the parish officers to prevent, by resisting
the interment of bodies in iron coffins; and this resolution
has lately had the sanction of legal authority.
~128~~
Proceeding along Oxford Street, Sir Felix enquired for the _Holy Land_,
informing his friends, at same time, that his servant, whom he had
entrusted the preceding day with a cheque on his banker, had not been
at home all night, and the probability was, that he had got amongst
his Munster friends in Palestine. Sir Felix was therefore desirous of
ascertaining, if possible, the sanctuary of the fugitive; and with
that view requested his friends to accompany him in a perambulation of
discovery, through (to him) these hitherto unexplored regions.--This
application was readily assented to, and the triumvirate passed onwards
to the place of destination.
They had now reached the Church of St. Giles in the Fields, situated in
Broad Street, St. Giles's; and their attention was immediately directed
to that fine piece of sculpture over the iron gateway, leading into
the Church-yard, representing the Resurrection and Last Judgment. The
figures are in _basso relievo_, and although diminutive, are admirably
grouped, and the expression of each gives to the whole a finished and
impressive effect.
Two minutes more, and the three friends were on the boundaries of the
Holy Land, namely, George Street, or, as formerly cognomened, Dyott
Street, Bloomsbury.
At the end of this street, next to St. Giles's, were several of the
Lower Irish, of both gender, who, clustering together, seemed to hold
a close confabulation, casting occasionally, an inquisitive eye on Sir
Felix O'Grady.
“By the soul of the priest!” at last exclaimed one of the Munster
emigrees, “but it is him, and I would take my davy on it;--but sure
enough, I will ax the jontleman himself now, whether he knows who he is,
or if he is any body at all, at all!”
This real representative of the tag-rag and bob-tail of the Emerald
Isle, was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his class and country.
A nameless something that had once been a hat, covered a shock head of
hair; the redundancy of which protuberated sideways and perpendicularly,
~129~~from the ci-devant castor, in many a knotty combination,
impervious to wind and weather. The fragments of a loose great coat
decorated his tall athletic form, which scarcely reaching his knees,
exposed fully to observation his nether habiliment,--
“His galligaskins, that had long withstood
The winter's fury and encroaching frost
By Time subdued,--what will not Time subdue,
Now horrid rents disclosed, portending agues.”
His brawny legs were partially cased in worsted hose, the dilapidations
of wear and tear ingeniously repaired with cloth, pieced and patched,
and comprising all the prismatic colours of the rainbow; his toes,
disdaining the trammels of duress, peeped through his brogues, as if
anxious for freedom; and to complete the singularity of this strange
figure, his vacant face was incrusted with filth, his bristly beard
unshorn,--
And stuck in his mouth of capacious dimensions,
That never to similar shape had pretensions,
A pipe he sustain'd, short and jetty of hue,
Thro' which the dense clouds of tobacco he drew.
This apparition stalking onwards to our admiring triumvirate,--“May be,”
said he, “your honor can be after telling me,--will your honor be Sir
Felix O'Grady of Munster, that is, long life to it?”--“The same, by the
powers of my father who begot me!” exclaimed the baronet: “sure enough
I am Sir Felix O'Grady that is, not that will be!” “Erin ma vorneen!”
rejoined the enquirer,--“the pot of Saint Patrick be upon you, and may
your honor live all the days of your life, and many years longer, if
that's all!--Arrah, but I'm plased to my heart's content to meet wid
your honor in a strange land!”
The congregated expectants now approached, and respectfully united their
congratulations with those of their respectable deputy.--“The pot of
Saint Patrick be upon you, and may your reverence live for ever and a
day afterwards!” It was in vain that Sir Felix offered them money. “No,
the devil a drap would they taste, unless it was wid his honor's own
self, by the holy poker!”
There was no remedy; so Sir Felix, with his friends Dash all
and Tallyho, who were much amused by this ~130~~unsophisticated
manifestation of Irish recognition, accompanied the motley groupe to the
blue-ruin shop.{1}
Entering then, the neighbouring den, of a licensed retailer of
destruction, the first object on whom the scrutinizing eye of the
baronet cast a glance, was his servant, regaling himself and his blowen
with a glass of the “right sort.” The indignant Sir Felix raised his
cane, and was about to inflict a well-merited chastisement, when the
transgressor, deprecating the wrath of his master, produced the full
amount of the cheque in mitigation of punishment, expressing his
obligations to mother Cummings for the preservation of the property.
“And who, in the devil's name,” asked the baronet, “is mother
Cummings?”{2}
“Och! a good sowl,” said the valet, “for all that, she keeps convanient
lodgings. And so your honor, just having got a drap too much of the
cratur last night, this girl and I took up our lodgings at mother
Cummings's: good luck to her any how! And if your honor will but forgive
me this once, I will, as in duty bound, serve you faithfully by night
and by day, in any or in no way at all at all, and never will be guilty
of the like again as long as I live, gra.”
1 Blue-ruin, alias English Gin.--Not unaptly is this
pernicious beverage so denominated. It is lamentable to
observe the avidity with which the lower orders of society
in London resort to this fiery liquid, destructive alike of
health and morals. The consumption of gin in the metropolis
is three-fold in proportion to what it was a few years ago.
Every public-house is now converted into “Wine Vaults,” as
they are termed, which the venders of poison and their
account in; it is true, that the occupants are compelled to
sell beer also, but in many of these receptacles, there is
not even sitting room, and “something short,” is thus the
resource of men, women, and even children!
2 This discreet matron has realized a very daccnt
competency, by keeping, in the Holy Land, a house of
accommodation for _single, men and their wives_.--When a
couple of this description require the asylum of her
hospitable roof, she demands possession of all the money
which the male visitor may have about him. This conceded, it
is told over, and carefully sealed up in the presence of its
owner, and left for the night in charge of the prudent
landlady. The party is then shewn into a room, and in the
morning the money is forth-coming to its utmost farthing.
~131~~ Circumstances considered, and as this had been his first
offence, the servant, at the intercession of Dashall, was let off with a
reprimand only, and ordered home, a mandate which he instantly and with
many expressions of gratitude obeyed.
The baronet having adjusted this business to his satisfaction, directed
his attention to his newly acquired Munster friends, whom he not only
treated with a liberal potation of aqua vitæ, but in the warmth of his
kindly feelings, actually drank with them, a condescension infinitely
more acceptable to the generous nature of these poor-people, than was
the more solid proof which he left them of his munificence; and of
which, until absolutely forced upon them, they long and pertinaciously
resisted the acceptance.
Our party pursuing their route, entered Holborn, and ordered refreshment
at the George and Blue Boar Coffee-House; a place of excellent
accommodation, and convenient for persons coming from the West of
England.
Here, while our perambulators amused themselves in conversation on the
occurrences of the morning, a chaise and four drove rapidly into the
yard, the postillions decorated with white ribbons, “denoting,” said
Dashall, “the successful denouement, perhaps, of a trip to Gretna
Green.” His conjecture was correct; the happy pair just arrived, had
been rivetted in the ties of matrimony by the far-famed blacksmith of
Gretna.{1}
1 In tracing the pursuits of needy and profligate
adventurers, with whom this vast metropolis abounds beyond
that of any other capital in the world, wife-hunting is not
the least predominant. This remark we cannot better
illustrate than by introducing to the notice of our readers,
the following extraordinary detail, exhibiting in High Life,
atrocious premeditated villainy, and in the mediocrity of
female rank extreme and fatal cupidity.
An anecdote has come to our knowledge within the last few
days which we think calls for publicity, as it may tend to
place on their guard those tender-hearted spinsters whose
sensibility of feeling may induce them for a moment to
forget that prudence which is at all times the best
safeguard of their sex. The circumstances which we shall
describe are considered quite unique among certain orders of
the sporting world; and the Hero of the Tale, from the
dashing completion of his plan, has obtained no small
importance in the eyes of his associates.
To our purpose;--About a fortnight back, a person, we will
not call him a gentleman, the first letter of whose name is
not far re-moved from the last letter of the alphabet, and
who has been particularly distinguished for the dashing,
although not very meritorious affairs in which he has been
engaged, both on the turf and the road, as well as in the
stable, found himself (to use one of his own fashionable
phrases,) “hard up.” In plain terms, his Exchequer was
completely exhausted, and what was worse, his credit was
altogether “out at the elbows.” All ordinary, and, indeed,
almost all extraordinary modes of “raising the wind,” had
long since been worn threadbare. Something, however, must be
done; and to be “well done,” it must be “done quickly.” A
happy thought struck him. He had heard of a lady, some few
years beyond her “teens,” who was possessed of a pretty
round sum; he could not ascertain exactly how much, in her
own right. This was a prize which he thought it would be
most desirable to obtain. It was true, the lady was past
that age when passion is not at all times to be con-trolled;
but then certainly not so far advanced as to have abandoned
all hope of obtaining an agreeable husband, or not to be
perfectly convinced that her attractions entitled her to
entertain such an expectation. The only difficulty which
suggested itself, was the mode of introduction. Two heads
are better than one, and our hero called in a friend, to
whom he unfolded his scheme, and whose advice and assistance
he immediately bespoke. The friend had no scruples on the
subject, and at once became a partner in the plot. Means
were found to overcome the first impediment, and behold our