Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
succeeded in bringing the matter to a conclusion, and preventing the
expected dissolution of Shampetre, who, report says, has determined not
to place himself in such a perilous situation again. The fright
caused him a severe illness, from which he has scarcely yet recovered
sufficiently to appear in public--I believe that will do, Sir; will you
look in the glass--can I make any alteration?”
“Perhaps not in your story,” replied Tom; “and as to my head, so as you
do not make it like the one you have been speaking of, I rely solely on
your taste and judgment.”
The Peruquier made his bow--“Sir, your politeness is well known!” then
turning to Tallyho, “Will you allow me the honour of officiating for
you, Sir?”
“Certainly,” replied Bob, who by this time had seen the alteration made
in his Cousin's appearance, as well as been delighted with the account
of the duel, at which they all laughed during the narration--and
immediately prepared for action, while Dashall continued his enquiries
as to the fashionable occurrences during his absence.
“There have been some other circumstances, of minor importance,”
continued the Peruquier--“it is said that a certain Lord, of high
military character, has lost considerable sums of money, and seriously
impaired his fortune--Lord ---- and a friend are completely ruined at
hazard--there was a most excellent mill at Moulsey Hurst on Thursday
last, between the Gas-light man, who appears to be a game chicken, and a
prime hammerer--he can give and take with any man--and Oliver--Gas beat
him hollow, it was all Lombard-street to a china orange. The Masked
Festival on the 18th is a subject of considerable attraction, and
wigs of every nature, style, and fashion, are in high request for the
occasion--The Bob, the Tye, the Natural Scratch, the Full Bottom, the
Queue, the Curl, the Clerical, the Narcissus, the Auricula, the Capital,
the Corinthian, the Roman, the Spanish, the French, the Dutch--oh! we
are full of business just now. Speaking of the art, by the by, reminds
me of a circumstance which occurred a very ~55~~short time back, and
which shows such a striking contrast between the low-bred citizens,
and the True Blues of the West!--have the kindness to hold your head a
little on one side, Sir, if you please--a little more towards the light,
if you please--that will do excellently--why you'll look quite another
thing!--From the country, I presume?” “You are right,” said Bob, “but I
don't want a wig just yet.”
“Shall be happy to fit you upon all occasions--masquerade, ball, or
supper, Sir: you may perhaps wish to go out, as we say in the West, in
coy.--happy to receive your commands at any time, prompt attention and
dispatch.”
“Zounds! you are clipping the wig too close,” said Tom, impatient to hear
the story, “and if you go on at this rate, you won't leave us even the
_tail_ (tale).”
“Right, Sir, I take--'and thereby hangs a tale.' The observation is
in point, _verbum sat_, as the latinist would say. Well, Sir, as I was
saying, a citizen, with a design to outdo his neighbours, called at
one of the first shops in London a very short time since, and gave
particular orders to have his _pericranium_ fitted with a wig of the
true royal cut. The dimensions of his upper story were taken--the order
executed to the very letter of the instructions--it fitted like wax--it
was nature--nay it soared beyond nature--it was the perfection of
art--the very acmé of science! Conception was outdone, and there is no
power in language to describe it. He was delighted; his wife was charmed
with the idea of a new husband, and he with his new wig; but
“Now comes the pleasant joke of all,
'Tis when too close attack'd we fall.”
The account was produced---would you believe it, he refused to have
it--he objected to the price.”
“The devil take it!” said Tom, “object to pay for the acme of
perfection; this unnaturally natural wig would have fetched any money
among the collectors of curiosities.”
“What was the price?” enquired Bob.
“Trifling, Sir, very trifling, to an artist 'of the first water,' as a
jeweller would say by his diamonds--only thirty guineas!!!”
“Thirty guineas!” exclaimed Bob, starting from his seat, and almost
overturning the _modernizer_ of his head.
~56~~Then, recollecting Sparkle's account of Living in Style, and Good
Breeding, falling gently into his seat again.
“Did I hurt you, Sir?” exclaimed the Peruquier.
Dashall bit his lip, and smiled at the surprise of his Cousin, which was
now so visibly depicted in his countenance.
“Not at all,” replied Tallyho.
“In two minutes more, Sir, your head will be a grace to; Bond Street or
St. James's; it cuts well, and looks well; and if you will allow me to
attend you once a month, it will continue so.”
Tom hummed a tune, and looked out of the window; the other two were
silent till Bob was released. Tom _tip'd the blunt_, and the interesting
young man made his congé, and departed.
“A very interesting and amusing sort of person,” said Bob.
“Yes,” replied Tom, “he is a walking volume of information: he knows
something of every thing, and almost of every body. He has been in
better circumstances, and seen a great deal of life; his history is
somewhat remarkable, and some particulars, not generally known, have
excited a considerable portion of interest in his fate among those
who are acquainted with them. He is the son, before marriage, of
a respectable and worthy tradesman, a celebrated vender of bear's
grease,{1} lately deceased, who
1 The infallibility of this specimen cannot possibly be
doubted, after reading the following
Advertisement:
“Bear's grease has virtues, many, great and rare;
To hair decay'd, life, health, and vigour giving;
'Tis sold by----, fam'd for cutting hair,
At -----.----------------------------------- living.
Who then would lose a head of hair for trying?
A thousand tongues are heard 'I won't,' replying;
T----r no doubt with bear's grease can supply
A thousand more, when they're dispos'd to buy.
No deception!--Seven Bears publicly exhibited in seven
months, and not an agent on the globe's surface.--Sold upon
oath, from 1L. to 10s. 6d. The smallest child will direct
to ----, near the church--a real Bear over the door,
where a good peruke is charged 1L.. 10s. equal to those
produced by Mr. T., at B----ss's, for 2L. 12s. 6d.--Scalp
10s. 6d.~and 6d. only for hair-cutting--never refusing one
shilling.
N. B. Bear's-grease effects wonders for the knees &c. of
horses.”
~57~~resided in the vicinity of Cornhill, and was for many years brought
up under his roof as his nephew; in which situation, the elegance of his
person, the vivacity of his disposition, and the general information he
acquired, became subjects of attraction. His education was respectable
for his situation, and his allowance liberal. His father however
marrying a young lady of some property, and he, 'gay, light, and airy,'
falling into bad hands, found his finances not sufficient to support
the company he kept, and by these means involved himself in pecuniary
difficulties, which, however, (if report say true) were more than once
or twice averted by the indulgent parent. In the course of time, the
family was increased by two sons, but he continued the flower of the
flock. At length it was intended by his father to retire, in part, from
business, and leave its management to this young man, and another who
had been many years in his service, and whose successful endeavours in
promoting his interest were well deserving his consideration; and the
writings for this purpose were actually drawn up. Previous however
to their execution, he was dispatched to Edinburgh, to superintend an
extensive concern of his father's in that city, where, meeting with
an amiable young lady with some expectations, he married without the
consent of his parent, a circumstance which drew down upon him the good
man's displeasure.
“Not at all dismayed at this, he almost immediately left his father's
shop, and set up business for himself in the same neighbourhood, where
he continued for two or three years, living, as it was supposed, upon
the produce of his matrimonial connexion. At length, however, it was
discovered that he was insolvent, and bankruptcy became the consequence.
Here he remained till affairs were arranged, and then returned to London
with his wife and two children.
“In the mean time, the legitimate family of his father had become useful
in the business, and acquainted with his former indiscretions, which,
consequently, were not likely to be obliterated from the old gentleman's
recollection. Without money and without prospect, he arrived in London,
where, for some unliquidated debt, he was arrested and became a resident
in the King's Bench, from which he was liberated by the Insolvent
Debtor's Act. Emancipated from this, he took small shops, or rather
rooms, in various parts of the city, vainly endeavouring to ~58~~support
the character he had formerly maintained. These however proved abortive.
Appeals to his father were found fruitless, and he has consequently,
after a series of vicissitudes, been compelled to act as a journeyman.
In the career of his youth, he distinguished himself as a dashing,
high-spirited fellow. He was selected as fuegel man to a regiment of
Volunteers, and made himself conspicuous at the celebrated O. P. row, at
the opening of Covent Garden Theatre, on which occasion he attracted the
notice of the Caricaturists,{1} and was generally known in the circles
of High Life, by his attendance on the first families on behalf of his
father.
But perhaps the most remarkable circumstance took place at his deceased
parent's funeral. Being so reduced at that time as to have no power even
of providing the necessary apparel to manifest the respect, gratitude,
and affection, he had ever entertained for the author of his being;
and as a natural son has no legal claims upon his father, so naturally
nothing was left for him; he applied by letter to the legitimates for a
suit of mourning, and permission to attend the remains of their common
father to the last receptacle of mortality, which being peremptorily
refused, he raised a subscription, obtained clothing, with a gown and
hatband, and, as the melancholy procession was moving to the parish
church, which was but a few yards distance, he rushed from his
hiding-place, stationed himself immediately in the front of the other
attendants upon the occasion, and actually accompanied the corpse as
chief mourner, having previously concerted with his own mother to be
upon the spot. When the body was deposited in the vault, he took her
by the hand, led her down the steps, and gave some directions to the
bearers as to the situation of the coffin, while the other mourners,
panic-struck at the extraordinary circumstances in which they found
themselves, turned about and walked in mournful silence back, ruminating
on the past with amazement, and full of conjecture for the future.
1 A caricature of a similar nature to the one alluded to by
Dashall in this description, was certainly exhibited at the
time of the memorable 0. P. row, which exhibited a young man
of genteel appearance in the pit of Covent Garden Theatre,
addressing the audience. It had inscribed at the bottom
of it,
Is this Barber-Ross-a?
in allusion (no doubt) to the tragedy of Barbarossa.
~59~~“It was an extraordinary situation for all parties,” said Bob; “but
hold, who have we here?--Egad! there is an elegant carriage drawn up to