Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
What are you at? each knave may cry,
Who feels my honest rhymes:
What are you after's? my reply,--
There never were such times!
There never were such times!
It was but a few steps from the Shades to the Monument, to which our
adventurers were now pursuing their way, when they met with an incident
not unworthy of observation. Do not leave your goods, is the friendly
admonition generally inscribed, in large characters, over the resting
place for porters, throughout the metropolis. Opposite the church of
Saint Magnus, close by London Bridge, a porter having pitched his
load, turned his back upon it, and reclined himself against the post in
careless ease, and security. It was just as our heroes approached, that
the porter had turned himself round to resume his burden, when lo! it
had vanished; in what manner no one can tell! without doubt, one of
those numerous street-prowlers who are continually on the look out for
prey, observing the remissness of the porter, had availed himself of the
favourable opportunity, and quietly walked off with his booty. A crowd
collected round the sufferer, but it afforded him neither sympathy nor
relief. Our associates, however, contributed in mitigation of his loss,
and proceeding up Fish-street Hill, were, in a few moments, shrouded
under the towering column of the Monument.
Ascending the spiral stair-case of black marble, consisting of three
hundred and forty-five steps, winding like a cork-screw, to the summit,
our aspirants reached their aerial station in the gallery of this lofty
edifice, and enjoyed one of the most variegated and extensively ~173~~
interesting prospects of any in the metropolis. Far as the eye could
reach, skirting itself down the river, a forest of tall masts appeared,
and the colours of all nations, waving gaily in the breeze, gave a
splendid idea of the opulence and industry of the first commercial city
in the universe. The moving panorama, far beneath the giddy height,
resembled the flitting figures of a _camera obscura_; the spacious
Thames was reduced to a brook; the stately vessels riding on its
undulating wave seemed the dwarfish boats of the school-boy navigator;
and glancing on the streets and along London Bridge, horses dwindled
in appearance to mice, and carriages to children's toys! after having
enjoyed, during several minutes, the prospects afforded by their
elevated position, the two friends descended, and with a feeling of
relief again trod the safer and less difficult path of _terra firma_.
Our observers now turned their direction westward, and passed into
Lombard Street, chiefly formed of banking-houses and other public
edifices. “This street,” said Dashall, “is noted as the focus of wealth,
the point of convergence of civic riches, and its respectable bankers
are not more dignified by the possession of superabundant property
than enhanced in the estimation of their fellow-citizens by strictly
conscientious honour and integrity.
“And of these not the least important in self-consequence is the jolly
civic Baronet,” continued Dashall, “who has already come more than once
within the scope of our observation.”
“Ecce homo! behold the man!” responded the Squire, and the Baronet
was descried rolling his ponderous form from the opposite alley to his
banking-house.
“It is rather unfortunate,” observed Dashall, “that nature has not kept
pace with fortune, in liberality to the Baronet. Profuse in giving him
a colossal magnitude of person, he exhibits a most disproportionable
endowment of intellect. Unlike his great prototype Sir John, in one
sense, but yet resembling him in another, 'He is not witty himself, but
he occasions wit in others.'”
“You are very fond of making a butt of me,” observed the Baronet to a
brother Alderman.--“By no means,” rejoined the latter, “I never was fond
of an empty butt in my life.” “Is the worthy Baronet inclined at times,
(asked the Squire) in his capacity of M.P. to irradiate the gloom of St.
Stephens?”
~174~~ “O yes, frequently, particularly so when in the plenitude of his
wisdom he conceives that he can enlighten the house with a modicum of
information. The last time I heard him hold forth was as an apologist
for the tumultuary loyalists at the Mansion House Meeting, when he
delivered himself in a manner so heterogeneal of commonsense, and
so completely in a style of egotism, as to excite the ridicule and
risibility of the whole house, and discompose the gravity of even the
speaker himself.”{1}
1 The following is a strictly literal versification of the Speech
alluded to:
THE MANSION-HOUSE ROW, AND APOLOGY FOR
THE LOYALISTS.
Being a literal versification of the eloquent Speech of Sir
W--ll--m C--RT--s, Baronet, in the House of Commons, Friday,
February 2, on the presentation, by Mr. John Smith, of the
Petition of the Merchants of London.
I rise, Mr. Speaker, indulgence entreating
A Speech while I make on the Mansion-house Meeting.
The prior Requisition was certainly signed
By men of good substance, with pockets well lin'd!
With such I am ever good humour'd and civil,
But worth, without wealth, I would pitch to the devil'.
The Lord Mayor, I think, then, assum'd a position
Of duty, in yielding to said Requisition;
For may my oration be given to scorn,
If ever I saw, from the day I was born,
A list of more honoured, more propertied men,
And probably never may see such again.
Now high as I prize both the merits and station,
Of loyalists signing the first declaration;
Permit me to say, it was too mild by half,
Too much milk and water--Some Members may laugh--
I care not;--I say that it did not inherit
The tythe of a loyal and time serving spirit.
I'm charged too with signing it, nevertheless,
I DID,--for I knew not how else to express
My zeal, in supporting, with firm resolution,
The Crown,--and Old England's decay'd Constitution!
Who they are, Constitution and Crown that sustain,
The people should now,--else we labour in vain!
And, therefore, I sign'd the fore-named declaration.
Altho' such a weak milk and water potation!
For why should the loyalists smother their cause,
And lose the high gain,--ministerial applause.
'Pon honour,--aye, even in detractions despite--
In corners and holes, Sir, I take no delight;
And, never on any pursuit do I go,
Of which 1 don't want the Almighty to know!
I signed, Sir, the loyal, luke-warm declaration,
To bring to its senses a turbulent nation!
To cheer up His Majesty,--win his good graces,
And keep his lov'd Ministers still in their places!
The hon'rable member, my friend, who spoke last,
Is not quite correct in detailing what pass'd
At the Mansion-house Meeting; for patiently heard
He was, until symptoms of riot appear'd.
At last it broke out, with a vengeance 'tis true,
And dire was the fracas! but what could we do,
Where adverse opinion so warmly prevail'd,
And each with revilings his neighbour assail'd?
Why, Sir, to this house, I could prove in a minute,
That greater majorities out than now in it,
Of sound thinking persons, in these fair dominions,
Are scouting the hon'rable member's opinions.
Well-bred, Sir, believe me, and good-looking people,
Were wedg'd in the Mansion-house quite of a heap all;
Whilst I, most politely, besought their attention,
But no,--not a word was I suffer'd to mention!
A party oppos'd me, altho' no long speeches
I make,--(a kind lesson that prudence still teaches;)
And waiting a hearing an hour, perhaps longer,
The dissonant clamour grew fiercer and stronger!
In fact, when I open'd my mouth, the commotion
Exceeded in fury the storms of the ocean!
Some hale stout young men, who had mix'd with the throng,
And press'd, the conflicting addressers among,
Escap'd from the Meeting in tumult and smother,
And swore that they never would visit another!
I well recollect, in the year ninety-three,
A similar fracas I happen'd to see;
The place, Grocers' Hall, where contention was wrought,
So high, that a stout battle-royal was fought!
Indeed, save one Meeting, I ne'er knew a case,
Where wrangling and fighting had not taken place!
In that one, so happen'd, good luck to betide,
Its fortunate members--were all on one side!
Reverting again to the Mansion-house Row,
When next our staunch loyalists mean to avow
Their zeal,----may they issue a strong declaration,
Then mix'd with a water and milk preparation!
The gout in my toe, for I wore a great shoe,
At last sent me home, without bidding adieu.
And now having said, Mr. Speaker, thus much
I hope on this house the impression is such,
The loyalists fully to clear, and their leader
From charge, at that Meeting, of boisterous proceedure.
The Honourable Baronet now sat down, amid the ironical cheers,
of the Treasury, and the tumultuous laughter of the whole house.
~175~~ The two partners in adventure had now reached the Mansion House.
The Justice Room was open, and the friends ascended the stairs in order
to witness the equitable dispensation of right by the Civic Sovereign.
The case now under investigation was a curious one, and excited the
interest and amusement of a numerous auditory.
The itinerant exhibitor of a dancing bear, complained that the person
(proprietor of a small menage) now summoned into the presence of his
lordship, illegally withheld from him a monkey, his property, and the
ci-devant associate of the ursine dancer aforesaid.
On the other hand, the master of the menage roundly asserted that he was
the rightful proprietor of the monkey, and had been in possession of the
animal for several years.
“My lord,” said the master of the bear, “let the monkey be produced, and
I will abide by his choice between this man and me as his master.” This
proposition appearing reasonable, and pug having been brought forward as
evidence, before giving his testimony made a respectful obeisance to the
Chief Magistrate, and so far as chattering and grinning were indicative
of his good intentions, seemed desirous of expressing his courtesy to
the auditory in general. After having stared about him for some time,
with an inquisitive eye, and corresponding gesticulation, he discerned
the bear-master, and springing into his arms with all the eagerness of
affectionate recognition, expressed the utmost joy at the unexpected
meeting, and when the other claimant attempted to approach, he repulsed
him in the most furious manner, and clung to the friend of his election
with renewed pertinacity.
Under these circumstances, the monkey was adjudged to the bear-master
as his proper owner, and pug and his friend left the Justice Room, with
mutual exchange of endearments.
Nothing else meriting notice, occurred to the two strangers in this
their new scene of observation. The Civic Sovereign having resigned the
chair to one of the Aldermen, in order that he might attend the Sessions
at the Old Bailey, Dashall and the Squire, at the same time, retired
with the intention (the day now waning apace) of making the best of
their way home, which they reached without further adventure.~177~~
CHAPTER XIII
The charge is prepar'd, the lawyers are met,
The judges all rang'd, a terrible show!
I go undismay'd, for death is a debt,
A debt on demand,--so take what I owe.
Since laws were made for every degree,