Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

in the following terms: “Doctor,” said he, “I have for a long time been very far from being well, and as I belong to an office, where I am obliged to attend everyday, the complaints I have prove very troublesome to me, ~~236~~~ and I would be glad to remove them.”--The doctor laid down his paper, and regarded his patient with a steady eye, while he proceeded. “I have but little appetite, and digest what I eat very poorly; I have a strange swimming in my head,” &c. In short, after giving the doctor a full quarter of an hour's detail of all his symptoms, he concluded the state of his case with a direct question:--“Pray, doctor, what shall I take?” The doctor, in the act of resuming the newspaper, gave him the following laconic prescription:--“Take, why, take advice!” This colloquy, and its ludicrous result, having been perfectly audible to the company present, afforded considerable entertainment, of which the manoeuvring invalid seemed in no degree willing to partake, for he presently made his exit, without even thanking the doctor for his gratuitous advice.{1} 1 Limmeb's Hotel.--This justly esteemed Hotel was much frequented by the late unfortunate Lord Camelford. Entering the coffee-room one evening, meanly attired, as he often was, he sat down to peruse the papers of the day. Soon after came in a “dashing fellow,” a “first-rate blood,” who threw himself into the opposite seat of the same box with Lord C, and in a most consequential tone hallowed out, “Waiter! bring in a pint of Madeira, and a couple of wax candles, and put them in the next box.” He then drew to him Lord C.'s candle, and set himself to read. His Lordship glanced at him a look of indignation, but exerting his optics a little more, continued to decypher his paper. The waiter soon re- appeared, and with a multitude of obsequious bows, announced his having completed the commands of the gentleman, who immediately lounged round into his box. Lord Camelford having finished his paragraph, called out in a mimic tone to that of Mr.-----, “Waiter! bring me a pair of snuffers.” These were quickly brought, when his Lordship laid down his paper, walked round to the box in which Mr.-----was, snuffed out both the candles, and leisurely returned to his seat. Boiling with rage and fury, the indignant beau roared out, “Waiter! waiter! waiter! who the devil is this fellow, that dares thus to insult a gentleman? Who is he? What is he? What do they call him?”--“Lord Camelford, Sir,” said the waiter.--“Who? Lord Camelford!” returned the former, in a tone of voice scarcely audible; horror-struck at the recollection of his own impertinence, and almost doubting whether he was still in existence--“Lord Camelford!!! What have I to pay?” On being told, he laid down his score, and actually stole away, without daring to taste his Madeira. ~~237~~~ The repast ended, the friends separated; Sir Felix to rejoin his august relative at their lodgings, and arrange with her preparations for the entertainment of Tom and Bob, and these two gentlemen also returning homewards to dress for the important occasion. Passing the house of his tailor, the Baronet stept in, and desired Mr. Snip to send to his lodgings, any time in the course of the evening, for the last new suit, for the purpose of alteration, as had been already pointed out. Miss Macgilligan had preceded her nephew in reaching home, and gave him, on his arrival, an appropriate and edifying lecture on a three-fold subject, embracing--petulancy,--respect to superiors,--and veneration for the memory of our ancestors. The Baronet, who never designed seriously to insult his aunt, but merely to have a bye-blow at her prominent foible,--pride of descent,--listened with becoming deference to her dissertation, which was interrupted by the entrance of his servant, (the same who on a certain occasion confided to Mother Cummings the safety of his master's property,{1})--“The tailor's boy, Sir Felix, for the new suit your Honor ordered to be altered.”--“Very well,” rejoined Sir Felix, “sure enough Mr. Snip is prompt in observance of instructions,--let the lad have the suit immediately.”--This business having been despatched, Miss Macgilligan was about to resume her admonitory discourse; when, luckily, the arrival of the expected guests prevented its continuance, and it was consequently postponed until a more favourable opportunity. 1 Vide page 130. Dinner was shortly announced, during which nothing occurred of particular import. When the exhilirating “Tuscan grape” had superseded the discarded viands, Miss Macgilligan mentioned, that she had been grossly imposed upon by the driver of the hackney-chariot. It seems, that conceiving Jehu was exacting more than his fare, the lady, presenting a handful of silver, told him to take it all, if he thought proper, and the conscientious knight of the whip had actually embraced the offer in its literal acceptation, and pocketing the money, made the best of his way, before she recovered from the surprise occasioned by this “iniquitous” transaction. ~~238~~~ “Iniquitous!” repeated the Baronet;--“by the powers of folly but there was no advantage taken at all, at all; and the man must have been worse than an idiot had he rejected so liberal an offer! Gra-machree, he might cry, and thanks to the donor, such opportunities don't occur every day.” Appealing to her guests, she had the mortification of finding the opinion of her nephew supported.--“Certainly, madam,” said Dashall, “the conduct of the man in putting a construction not meant upon your word, was highly reprehensible; yet I am afraid that redress is unavailable. A gift was implied, though obviously not intended, but impartially speaking, you tendered a donation, and the man, if not morally right, was legally justifiable in accepting it.” While this case was under discussion, the baronet chuckled at the mischance of his aunt, and in defiance of the admonition given him a few hours before, seemed more petulant, less respectful, and totally irreverent of his ancestors. In the enjoyment of this triumph, and asserting that he could not be taken-in, even by the most artfully conducted manouvre, he was struck dumb by the information that Mr. Snip the tailor had called for the new suit. “The devil fly over the hill of Howth with him!” exclaimed the astounded Sir Felix, with a secret foreboding of evil, “has he not had the new suit, hours ago?” “He says not, sir,” answered the servant. “Where then, in the name of mystery,” rejoined the baronet, “are the clothes gone to? They were sent by his boy, were they not?” “He denies, sir,” responded the servant, “that he sent for the clothes at all at all.” “Sowl of my grandmother! send in this snip of a tailor instantaneously.” Dashall immediately surmised a fraud, and the statement of Snip converted suspicion into fact. Mr. Snip repeated, that he had not sent for the clothes; and neither did he keep a boy; but he recollected that there was a lad in his shop purchasing some trifling article at the time Sir Felix gave his address, and ordered the new suit to be sent for; and there is no doubt, added Snip, that this young adept, being thus put in the way of successfully practising a fraud, gladly availed himself of the opportunity, and obtained possession of the clothes in my name. But, Sir Felix (continued Mr. Snip) it must have escaped your recollection when ~~239~~~ you sanctioned the delivery of the clothes, that I had particularly cautioned you, when you first honoured me with your custom, against your sending to my house any articles of apparel by pretended messengers from me, unless on the authority of my own hand writing.” “I exonerate you,” said the baronet, “from censure, and exempt you from loss. I have been swindled. There is now no remedy. So make me another suit, and by stricter vigilance, we shall endeavour to avoid future depredation.”{1} 1 This is amongst the inferior classes of fraud daily practised in the metropolis. The following is one of a fust rate description. Swindling.--A case most ingeniously contrived and successfully carried into execution on Saturday last, is scarcely to be equalled on the records of fraud. It was equal to that practised on Rundle and Bridge, the jewellers, some time ago, but the present case is only at the expense of four costly gold watches. The swindler, who called himself Mr. Winter, is rather above the middle size, was dressed in a brown frock coat, wears long whiskers, and is well calculated for imposition in address and manner. A house in Southampton-street, Strand, occupied by Mr. Holt, the barrister, having been advertised to be let, Mr. Winter called about it several times last week, and he appointed Saturday last to call with some ladies, when he could give a final answer; and the servants were desired, if the occupants were from home, to shew the gentleman and his party into the dining-room. Having secured this point, Mr. Winter called upon Mr. Ely, a jeweller, at the latter end of the week, and after looking over some trifles, in the shop, he desired that some ladies' watches might be brought to his residence, No. 5, Southampton-street, at a certain hour on Saturday, for inspection. The swindler called some time before the jeweller was expected, and inquired if the ladies who were to meet him there had called, and being informed in the negative, he affected surprise, and desired them to be informed of his arrival when they came. He was shewn into the front drawing-room, but he preferred the adjoining room, and desired the servant to shew a gentleman, who would call, into the front room, and let him know when he arrived. The jeweller was to his time with the goods, and Mr. Winter paid him a visit, and after looking over the goods, he selected four watches, worth 100L. to shew the ladies in the next room, instead of which he took his hat, and walked off with the watches. After waiting till out of patience, the jeweller rang the bell, and the servant missed Mr. Winter, who had promised her servitude, the landlord his new tenant, and the jeweller his watches! ~~240~~~ It was now Miss Macgilligan's turn to triumph, but, to the surprise and relief of her nephew, she did not avail herself of the privilege; sensible, perhaps, that the loss which site sustained, was occasioned by her own imprudence, and that his misfortune might have happened to those even the most guarded against deception, she consoled instead of recriminating. The most perfect unanimity now prevailed between the two relatives; and the evening passed on with increased pleasure. The unexpected migration of the new suit led to conversation on the frauds of London, when Dashall justly observed, that if the ingenuity exemplified in depredation was exercised in honest industry, in place of being now the pest, many of those men might have been the ornaments of Society. CHAPTER XVIII “Tho' village delights may charm for a time, With hunting, with cricket, with trap-ball and such, The rambles in London are bang-up and prime, And never can tire or trouble us much; Tis a life of variety, frolic, and fun: Rove which way you will, right or left, up or down. All night by the gas, and all day by the sun, Sure no joys can compare with the joys of the town.”