Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
At one door, stood a shivering group of half-starved chimney-sweepers,
rending the air with their piercing cries of “sweep,” occasionally
relieved by a few hearty d---ns bestowed upon the servant, that she
did not come down, in order to let a diminutive urchin yet up the flue;
leaning against a post at the corner of the street was an overdone
Irishman, making a bargain with pug-nosed Peg, a sort of half-bred
pinafore cyprian, whose disappointments during the night induced her to
try at obtaining a morning customer. The Hibernian was relating the ill
usage he had been subjected to, and the necessity he had of making a
hasty retreat from the quarters he had taken up; while Bet Brill, on
her road to Billingsgate, was blowing him up for wearing odd boots, and
being a hod man--blowing a cloud sufficient to enliven and revive the
whole party.
~~251~~~ “Poor fellow,” said Tom, “it would be a charity to pop him into
a rattler, and drive him home; and do you see, he is standing close to
a mud cart, the delicate drippings of which are gently replenishing his
otherwise empty pockets.”
“Be aisy,” said Pat Murphy the hodman, “arn't he an Irish jontleman,
arn't I a jontleman from Ireland; and arn't it lit and proper, and
right and just, as well as jontlemanly, that two jontlemen should go
together, so come along Peg, we'll just take a taste of the cratur,
drink success to the lads of Shellaly, and put the matter in its right
shape.” With this pug-nosed Peg seized him by one arm, and the last
orator by the other, and in a short time they entered a sluicery in the
neighbourhood, which enclosed the party from view.
Turning from the group which they had been paying attention to, they
were suddenly attracted by a female purveyor for the stomach, who was
serving out her tea, coffee, and saloop, from a boiling cauldron, and
handing with due complaisance to her customers bread and butter, which
was as eagerly swallowed and devoured by two dustmen, who appeared to
relish their delicate meal with as much of appetite and gout, as the
pampered palate of a City alderman would a plate of turtle. The figure
of the lady, whose commodities were thus desirable and refreshing to the
hungry dust-collectors, struck Bob at the first view as having something
matronly and kind about it.
“These persons,” said Tom, “are really useful in their vocation; and
while they provide a wholesome beverage for the industrious, are rather
deserving of approbation than censure or molestation: the latter,
however, they are frequently subjected to; for the kids of lark, in
their moments of revelry, think lightly of such poor people's stock in
trade, and consider it a prime spree to upset the whole concern,
without caring who may be scalded by the downfall, or how many of their
fellow-creatures may go without a breakfast and dinner in consequence;
but do you mark the other woman behind her?”
“I do,” said Bob, “and it is impossible to view them both without
noticing the striking contrast they form to each other.”
~~252~~~ “Your observations are just,” continued Tom; “that is an old
beldame of the neighbourhood, in search of the poor unhappy girl who has
just taken the Irishman in tow, an encourager of all that is vicious and
baneful in society.”
“I could almost judge that from her features,” replied Bob, “though I do
not pretend to much skill in physiognomy.”
“A debauched body and a vitiated mind are perceptible in her face, and
having remained on the town till these were too visible for her to hope
for a continuance, she is now a tutoress of others, to make the most of
those with whom they promiscuously associate. She furnishes the finery,
and shares the plunder. It is, however, a melancholy and disgusting
picture of Real Life in London, and merely deserves to be known in order
to be avoided, for there is no species of villainy to which persons of
her stamp”--
“Of whom it is to be hoped there are but few,” cried Tallyho,
interrupting him.
“For the sake of human nature,” replied Dashalt., “it is to be hoped so;
but there is no species of villainy to which they will not stoop.” {1}
1 The Hon. Tom Dashall's observations on this subject are
but too strikingly exemplified by a case heard at Worship-
street Police Office a short time back, in which Jemima
Matthews was charged with conduct which excited astonishment
at the depravity of human nature.--One of the parish
constables of Spitalfields stated, he proceeded to the
residence of the prisoner in Upper Cato-street, and found
the wretch at the bar surrounded by eight children, while a
supper, consisting of a variety of meats and vegetables, was
making ready on the fire. Three children, Frederick Clark,
John Clark, and John Bailey, were owned by their parents.
The children seemed so much under the controul of this
infamous woman, that they were afraid to tell the truth
until she was removed from the bar. Little Bailey then said,
they were daily sent out to steal what they could, and bring
it home in the evening. When they could get nothing else,
they stole meat from the butchers, and vegetables from the
green-grocers. The woman kept a pack of cards, by which she
told their fortunes, whether they would succeed, or be
caught by the officers. Mr. Swaby observed, that since he
had attended the Office, he never witnessed a case of so
much iniquity. The prisoner was remanded for further
examination, and the magistrate intimated he should desire
the parish to prosecute her for the misdemeanor, in exciting
these children to commit felonies.
~~253~~~ At this moment their attention was suddenly called to another
subject, by a loud huzza from a combination of voices at no great
distance from where they then were, and in a few minutes a considerable
concourse of dustmen and others appeared in view.
“There is something in the wind,” said Dashall, “we must have a look at
these gentry, for there is frequently some humour among them.
“I hope,” replied Bob, “they have not overturned the dustcart in the
wind, for I am apprehensive in such a case we should scarcely have eyes
to view their frolics.”
Tom laughed at the ready turn of his Cousin, and remarking that all
flesh was dust, proceeded towards the increasing party: here they soon
found out; that, as a venerable son of the fan-tailed-hat fraternity
described it, “a screw was loose.”
“Perhaps,” inquired Bob, “it is the linch-pin.” “Why aye, mayhap as how
that there may be the case for aught I knows about it. Howsomdever, I'll
tell you all about it:--first and foremost you must know that Dick Nobbs
lives down here in Charles-street, and Dick Nobbs has got a wife. Now
she is the devil's own darling, and Dick is a match for her or the devil
himself, come from wherever he may, but as good a fellow as ever lapp'd
up a pail full of water-gruel; and so you must know as how Dick has this
here very morning been found out, in bed with another man's wife. The
other man is a nightman, and rubbish-carter, vhat lives in the same
house with Dick; so this here man being out all night at a job, Dick
gets lushy, and so help me------, he finds his way steady enough into
that there man's bed, and vhen that there man comes home, my eyes vhat a
blow up! There lays Dick Nobbs fast asleep in the man's wife's arms, so
he kicks up a row--Dick shews fight--and the man comes and tells us all
about it; so we are going to try him for a misdemeanor, and he can't
help himself no how whatsomedever.”
Tom was alive to the story, and in a few minutes the culprit was
conducted to a neighbouring public-house, tried before a whole bench of
the society, cast, and condemned to undergo the usual sentence in
such cases made and provided, entitled, “Burning Shame,” and active
preparations were making by those of the fraternity without, to carry
into immediate execution the sentence pronounced by those within.
~~254~~~ The offender was decorated with a bunch of Christmas in his
hat, and two large carrots in the front, to represent horns. In this
manner he was mounted on the brawny shoulders of four of his companions,
preceded by the crier of the court, another dustman, with a bell, which
he rung lustily, and at intervals proclaimed the crime of which the
culprit had been found guilty. After the crier, followed eight more
of the brotherhood, two and two, their hats ornamented with bunches
of holly, and a burning candle in the front of each hat. Then came the
culprit, carried as already described, with a pot of heavy wet in one
hand, and a pipe of tobacco in the other, which he occasionally smoaked,
stooping forward to light it at one of the candles in the fantail hats
of his two front supporters. The rear of this ludicrous procession was
brought up by several other dustmen and coalheavers, and their ladies.
The procession set out from Charles-street, down Drury-lane, Great
Queen-street, Wild-street, and round Clare Market, followed by an
immense crowd, which kept increasing as they went, and nearly rendered
the streets impassable. Two collectors were appointed, one on each side
of the street, and were very active in levying contributions among
the spectators to defray the expenses. They stopped at several
public-houses, where they quaffed off oceans of heavy wet, and numerous
streamlets of old Jamaica, and then returned to headquarters in
Charles-street, where the offence was drowned in drink, and they and
their ladies passed the remainder of the evening, as happy as beer and
gin, rum and tobacco, could make them.
Having witnessed a considerable part of this ceremonious proceeding,
and been informed of the intended finale, our friends, who began to
feel somewhat uncomfortable for want of refreshment and rest, proposed
returning home; and having thrown themselves into a hack, they in a
short time arrived at Piccadilly.
CHAPTER XIX
“'If in Real Life's chapter you e'er tind a blank,
'Tis yourself and you only you justly can thank;
For to him who is willing--there's no need to stand,
Since enough may be found 'twixt Mile End and the Strand
To instruct, to inform, to disgust or invite,
To deplore, to respect, to regret or delight.”
“'Tis in London where unceasing novelty grows,
Always fresh--and in bloom like the opening rose;
But if to the rose we its sweetness compare,
“fis as freely confess'd many thorus gather there;
And if to avoid the latter you're prone,
'Tis at least quite as well, where they are, should be known.”
~~255~~~ The arrival at Piccadilly turned out to be truly agreeable
to our friends, who were scarcely dressed and seated at the
breakfast-table, before they were surprised by the unexpected appearance
of an old friend, whose company and conversation had upon many occasions
afforded them so much pleasure and information. This was no other than
Sparkle.
“My dear boy,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “you are welcome to the scene
of former gratifications. How is your better half, and all friends in
the country--any increase in the family? Why you look as healthy as
Hygeia, and as steady as old time.”
“I confess,” replied Sparkle, “you ask so many questions upon important
subjects in one breath, that I am quite deficient of wind to answer them
seriatim. You must therefore take an answer in two words--all's right.”
“Enough,” replied Tom, “then I am content; but how, what,--are you in
town alone?”
“You shall know all in time, but don't drive on too hard. I am glad to
meet you again in the regions of fun, frolic, and humour, of which I
doubt not there is, as there always was, a plentiful stock. Glad to see