Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
you both in good health and tip-top spirits. I have only come to pass
a fortnight with you; and as I intend to make the utmost use of every
minute of the time, don't let us waste in empty words what would be
better employed in useful deeds.”
~~256~~~ “Useful deeds,” re-echoed Tom, “useful deeds--that savours of
reflection. I thought you were fully aware it is an article considered
of little value in the labyrinths of London; but since you are become,
as I may venture to presume, a useful man, what may be the objects upon
which you propose to practise your utility?”
“Still the same I find, Tom; all life, spirit, and gaiety, nothing like
a hit, and I suppose you now think you have a palpable one. Never mind,
I am not easily disconcerted, therefore you may play off the artillery
of your wit without much chance of obtaining a triumph; but however, in
plain words, I expect to be a happy father in about another month.”
“O ho!” said Tom, “then you are really a useful member of society, and
I suppose are merely come up to town for the purpose of picking up a
little more useful information and instruction how to perform the part
of Papa.”
“Nay,” replied Sparkle, “I could hardly expect to obtain such from you.
I must therefore be excused and acquitted of all such intentions--but
joking apart, how are you devoted?”
“To you,” replied Tallyho, who was much pleased by this accession to
their society.
“Then,” continued Sparkle, “lend me all the assistance in your power.
When did you see our old friend Merrywell!”
“The last time I saw him was in a place of safety, studying the law, and
taking lessons from its professors in the Priory.”
“We must find him,” replied Sparkle; “so if you are not engaged, come
along, and I will relate the circumstances which induce this search as
we proceed.”
To this proposal Tom and Bob readily acceding, the party were quickly on
their way towards Abbot's Park.
~~257~~~ “You must know,” said Sparkle, “that Merry well's uncle in
the country having received some information upon the subject of his
confinement, probably very highly coloured, has since his release
withdrawn his patronage and support, so that the poor fellow has been
without supplies for some time past, and I am at a loss to conjecture
by what means he is now working the oracle for a subsistence. His uncle,
however, is in the last stage of a severe illness, with little chance
of recovery; and as I apprehend there is but little time to spare, I
intend, if possible, to find our old acquaintance, start him for his
relative's residence, in hope that he may arrive in time to be in at the
death, and become inheritor of his estate, which is considerable, and
may otherwise be apportioned among persons for whom he has had but
little or no regard while living.”
“The object in view is a good one,” said Dashall, “and I sincerely hope
we shall succeed in our endeavours.”
Passing down St. James's-street, Sparkle was quickly recognized by many
of his old acquaintances and friends, and congratulated upon his return
to the scenes where they had, in company with him, enjoyed many a lark;
and invitations came in as fast upon nim as the moments of life were
fleeting away: for the present, however, all engagements were
declined, till the principal object of his journey to London should be
accomplished; and after inquiries about old friends, and observations
upon the passing occurrences of the moment were over, they proceeded on
their way. Westminster Bridge was the precise line of direction for them
to pursue, and as fortune would have it, they had scarcely arrived at
the foot of it, before they discovered Merrywell bustling along in
an opposite direction: he, however, appeared rather inclined to pass
without recognition or acknowledgment, when Sparkle turning close upon
him, gave him a hearty tap on the shoulder, which made him as it were
involuntarily turn his head.
“Well met,” said Sparkle, “I want you.”
“At whose suit. Sir?” was the immediate inquiry.
“To suit yourself,” was a reply as quickly given.
“Zounds!” said Merrywell, “I had little idea of being tapped on the
shoulder by an old friend--but are you indeed in earnest?”
“Certainly I am, and can't be refused; but if you should be pinched
for bail, I think I have two friends with me who will do the needful;”
introducing Tom and Bob.
“I see how it is,” continued Merrywell, “and have no objection to a
joke; but I can't bear to have it carried too far.--How d'ye do, how
d'ye do--can't stop--in a devil of a hurry--full of business.”
~~258~~~ “Zounds!” said Tom, “you are almost as bad as the man who
having married a wife could not come; but if I may be so bold, whither
away so fast?”
“To Westminster Hall--the sessions is on--must go--law is like the tide,
it stays for none--adieu.”
“We cannot part thus,” said Sparkle, “I have come some miles in search
of you, and cannot afford to be played with now.”
“Then accompany me to Westminster Hall, and I will be at your service.”
“If not,” replied Sparkle, “I shall enter a special detainer against
you--so come along.”
They now entered Westminster Hall, where Merry well having disposed of
some briefs and other papers into the hands of a counsellor preparatory
to a cause coming on;
“There,” continued he, unow I am at your service.”
“Then tell me,” said Sparkle, “what you are at.”
“First,” inquired Merry well, “let me know what is your object in asking
such a question.”
This being briefly explained, together with the absolute necessity there
was for his leaving town without delay--
“Now,” said he, “I am at liberty to give you a sketch of circumstances
which have befallen me since I saw you last.”
“Come then,” said Dashall, “we will proceed to Piccadilly, spend a
comfortable afternoon, and ship you off by the mail from the White Horse
Cellar at eight o'clock.”
“With all my heart,” was the reply. “Well, now you must understand, I am
a sort of dabbler in professions. I was liberated from the high wall
of the Priory by the Insolvent Debtor's Act; and since the unfortunate
representation to the Old Boy, which deprived me of the needful
supplies, I have tried my hand in three different ways.”
“And which are they?”
“Love, law, and literature,” continued Merry well.
“A very pretty combination,” said Dashall, “and are you able to make
them blend comfortably together?”
~~259~~~ “Nothing more easy in the world. In the first place, a lady has
taken a fancy to me, which fancy I am willing to indulge; in return for
which she provides me with every indulgence.--I profess to be principal
in the office of a” lawyer of established practice, who suffers me to
share in the profits of such business as I can obtain. In the way of
literature I have as yet done but little, though I am encouraged to hope
much, from the success of others. Indeed I am told, if I can but write
libels for John Bull, I may make a rapid fortune.”
“And when so made,” said Sparkle, “I shall wish you well with it; but I
think the speculation I have already named much more likely to turn out
equal to your wishes, and more consonant with your feelings, than the
pursuit of either of those you have mentioned.”
“There I agree perfectly with you; and if I can make all right with the
old gentleman, a fig for all the rest of my occupations: but you know I
always liked independence, and if I could not get a fortune ready made,
I had a desire to be the architect of one I should raise for myself.”
“Why I know you have generally borne the character of a man of genius.”
“Yes, and a deal my character did for me after quitting the walls. Why
man, I happened to hear of a vacancy in a city parish school, for which
I ventured to conceive myself duly qualified, and therefore determined
to make application to the churchwardens, one of whom had the character
of being a man of great power, and was said to be the first in his line
in the three kingdoms. Away I posted, full of hope and expectation
of becoming a second Caleb Quotem, not doubting but salary and
circumstances would turn out exactly to my wish.”
“But I thought you liked independence,” said Tallyho.
“Rather too much to engage in that concern,” was the reply, “as you will
hear presently. Upon tracing out this gentleman who bore so strong a
recommendation to particular notice, you may guess my surprise upon
finding 'Purveyor of sausages' in gold letters over his door.”
Dashall burst into an irresistible laugh, and was most cordially joined
by Sparkle and Tallyho, who were now strongly interested in the result
of Merrywell's account.
“When I arrived,” continued Merry well, “this patron was reading the
newspaper, which he threw down immediately upon my entrance, having
mistaken me for a customer.”
~~260~~~ “Survaut, Sir,” said he, pulling down his greasy
waist-coat.--“I am come, Sir,” said I, “to make some inquiry
concerning a vacant school-master-ship.”--“Oh there again,” resumed the
sausage-making churchwarden,--“Vy you are the seventeenth fellow that
has been here to-day a bothering me about this plaguy vacasey. How do
you read? you'll have a trial before me and my brother representative of
this parish, and my spouse will also attend the reading bouts. Now if
so be as you minds your hits, why then may be you'll be the dominy. But,
mind you, I don't like your sonorous voices, and my spouse--she knows
things quite as well as I do,--she vants a great deal of action, so
only you mind, loud and sonorous, and plenty of muscular motion for my
spouse, that's the vay to win; but I haven't any time to talk to you
now, you must call of an evening, when I am more at leisure, and then
I'll explain; so move off now, Sir, move off, for I sees a customer
coming--survant maum.”--“Flesh and blood could bear no more, and
so”------“So what,” said Sparkle; “did you knock him down in the midst
of his own sausages?”
“No, no, I knew too much of the law for that; but I cut the
churchwarden, and bolted from the sausage-shop, determined to embrace
law, physic, or divinity, in preference to cutting
“---------- The rumps
Of little school-boy Jackies.”
“The study of the law was rather compulsory than voluntary, for during
my residence in the College I was under the necessity of devoting some
part of my time to, though I felt no great partiality for it; and you
know law is law; and as in such, and so forth, and hereby and aforesaid,
provided always nevertheless notwithstanding, law is like a country
dance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired: law is like
a book of surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is
also like physic, they that take least of it are best off: law is like
a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow: law is like a scolding wife,
very bad when it follows us: law is like a new fashion, people are
bewitched to get into it; it is also like bad weather, most people are
glad when they get out of it.”
~~261~~~ “I believe that sincerely,” cried the Hon. Tom Dashall; “for I
think there are instances enough in which law has nothing at all to do
with justice.”{1}
1 This remark of the Hon. Tom Dashall is admirably
illustrated by the following statement:--
Twelve People in one Bail Bond fob Ten Pounds.--There
are very few instances of delinquency which we have
stated, that will stagger the belief of the fair
practitioner, because they know such transactions are
possible; their only surprise is the impunity with which
they are committed, mixed with some regret that the
profession is so contaminated. The species of peculation
we have now to submit to our readers is of singular nature;
for we know not whether folly, impudence, or infamy, has the