Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
a spritely little Salamander, and bathing her naked feet in the vitreous
lava, to report upon the intensity of heat. Much more might be urged
to draw the attention of government to the propriety of retaining this
anti-ignitible young lady, not only for the benefits she may confer upon
the public, but for the example she may afford to others of her own
sex; that by a proper exertion of courage, the most ardent sparks may be
sometimes encountered without the smallest inconvenience or injury.”
~~313~~~ Indulging in this playful vein of raillery, they now reached
that part of the City Road intersected by the Regent's Canal, where its
spacious basin, circumjacent wharfs and warehouses, and winding line of
water, with barges gliding majestically on its placid wave, where lately
appeared open fields arrayed in the verdure of nature, afforded full
scope for remark by Mr. Dashall, on the gigantic design and rapid
accomplishment, by commercial enterprize, of the most stupendous
undertakings.
“This work of incalculable public utility,” said Mr. Dashall, “sprang
into being with the alacrity of enchantment;--the same remark may
apply to every other improvement of this vast metropolis, so rapid in
execution, that one thinks of the wonderful lamp, and the magnificent
palace of Aladdin, erected in one night by the attendant genii.”
Onwards towards “merry Islington;”{1}--“here,” said Dashall, “is the New
River: this fine artificial stream is brought from two springs at Chad
well and Am well, in Hertfordshire, for the supply of London with water.
It was finished in 1613, by Sir Hugh Middleton, a citizen of London, who
expended his whole fortune in this public undertaking. The river, with
all its windings, is nearly 39 miles in length; it has 43 sluices,
and 215 bridges; over and under it a great number of brooks and
water-courses have their passage. In some places this canal is carried
through vales, and in others through subterraneous passages. It
terminates in a basin called the New River Head, close by. From the
reservoir at Islington the water is conveyed by 58 main pipes under
ground along the middle of the principal streets; and thence by leaden
pipes to the different houses. Thus, by means of the New River, and
of the London Bridge water-works, every house in the metropolis is
abundantly supplied with water, at the expense each of a few shillings
only per annum.
1 Thus all through merry Islington
These gambols he did play.
John Gilpin.
This village of Islington is a large and populous place, superior
both in size and appearance to many considerable towns in the country.
Observe the Angel Inn, celebrated for its ordinary, where you may
enjoy, after a country ramble, an excellent dinner on very moderate
terms.--Apropos, of the Angel Inn ordinary: some years ago it was
regularly every Sunday attended by a thin meagre ~~314~~~ gaunt and bony
figure, of cadaverous aspect, who excited amongst the other guests no
small degree of dismay, and not without cause. Cognominated the Wolf, he
justified his pretensions to the appellation, by his almost incredible
powers of gormandizing; for a quantum of viands sufficient for six men
of moderate appetite, would vanish on the magic contact of his knife and
fork, in the twinkling of an eye; in fact, his voracity was considered
of boundless extent, for he invariably and without cessation consumed
by wholesale, so long as eatables remained on the table. One day, after
having essentially contributed to the demolition of a baron of beef, and
devoured an entire shoulder of lamb, with a commensurate proportion of
bread, roots, vegetables, &c, he pounced, with the celerity of a hawk,
on a fine roast goose, which unfortunately happened to have been just
then placed within the reach of his annihilating fangs, and in a very
short space of time it was reduced to a skeleton; having occasion for a
few minutes to leave the room, the company in the meanwhile secreted the
bones of the goose. The waiter now entered for the purpose of removing
the cloth: casting his eyes round the room, he seemed absorbed in
perplexity--“What is the matter?” asked one of the company; “do you miss
arty thing?”--“Yes, Sir, the bones of a goose!”--“Why then you may save
yourself the trouble of further search; the gentleman just gone out,
of modest manners and puny appetite, has devoured the goose, bones and
all!”--The waiter lost no time in reporting the appalling fact to
his master, who now more than ever was desirous of getting rid of the
glutton--but how? it was impossible to exclude him the ordinary, or set
bounds to his appetite; the only resource left was that of buying him
off, which was done at the rate of one shilling per diem, and the wolf
took his hebdomadary repast at a different ordinary: from this also his
absence was purchased at the same rate as by the first. Speculating on
his gluttony, he levied similar contributions on the proprietors of the
principal ordinaries in the metropolis and environs; and if the fellow
is still living, I have no doubt of his continuing to derive his
subsistence from the sources already described!--Now what think you of
Real Life in London?”{1}
1 The wolf, so cognominated, was less censurable for his
gluttony than the infamous purpose to which he applied it--
otherwise he had a parallel in a man of sublime genius.
Handel one day entered a tavern in the city and ordered six
mackarel, a fowl, and a veal cutlet, to be ready at a
certain hour. True to his appointment, he re-appeared at the
time stipulated, and was shown into an apartment where
covers were laid for four. Handel desired to have another
room, and ordered his repast to be served up immediately.--
“Then you don't wait for the rest of the company, sir?”
said the waiter.--“Companee! vat you tell me of companee?”
exclaimed Handel. “I vant no companee. I order dem two tree
ting for my lonch!” The repast was served up, and honoured
by Handel to the bones. He then drank a bottle of wine, and
afterwards went home to dinner!
During one of the campaigns of Frederick of Prussia, a boor
was brought before him of an appetite so incredibly
ravenous, that he offered to devour a hog barbacued. A
general officer present ob-served, that the fellow ought to
be burnt as a wizard.--“May it please your Majesty,” said
the gormand, “to order that old gentleman to take off his
spurs, and I will eat him before I begin the hog!” Panic
struck, although a brave soldier, at the idea of being
devoured alive, the general shut himself up in his tent
until the man-eater departed the encampment.
~~315~~~ The Squire knew not what to think--the circumstance was
so extraordinary, that the story would have been rejected by him as
unworthy of notice, had it been told by any other person; and coming
even from his respectable friend, he remained, until reassured of the
fact, rather incredulous of belief.
Descending the declivity leading from Pentonville to Battle Bridge,
Dashall, pointing to an extensive pile of buildings at some little
distance on the left,--“That,” said he, “is Cold Bath Fields
Penitentiary House, constructed on the plan of the late Mr. Howard, and
may be considered in all respects as an experiment of his principles.
It cost the county of Middlesex between £70 and £80,000, and its yearly
expenditure is about £7,000. It was opened in 1794, and was originally
designed only as a kind of Bridewell; but having suitable accommodations
for several descriptions of prisoners, it was applied to their different
circumstances. The prison you may observe is surrounded by a wall of
moderate height. Here are workshops for the prisoners; an office in
which the business of the prison is transacted; a committee-room, and
the best chapel of any prison in London. The cells are 218 in number,
about eight feet long each. In these, penitentiary prisoners are
confined till they have completed their tasks, when they are let into
the courts at the back. Owing to the exertions of Sir Francis ~~316~~~
Burdett, and his partizans, this house, about the year 1799 and 1800,
attracted much popular odium. Many abuses, now rectified, were then
found to exist in the management, though not to the full extent
described.”
A new scene now rose on the view of our two pedestrians. A little
further on, in a field by the roadside, a motley assemblage of auditors
environed an orator mounted on a chair, who with frequent contortion
of feature, and appropriate accompaniment of gesticulation, was holding
forth in the spirit, as Pashalt, surmised, either of radicalism or
fanaticism. This elevated personage, on closer approximation, proved to
be a field-preacher, and judging from exterior appearance, no stranger
to the good things of this life, although his present admonitory
harangue strongly reprobated indulgence in the vanities of this wicked
world;--he was well clad, and in portly condition, and certainly his
rubicundity of visage by no means indicated on his part the union of
practice with precept.
Nothing of further interest occurred, and they reached home,
pleased with their day's ramble, that had been productive of so
much amusement;--“thus verifying,” said Dashall to the Squire,
“the observation which you lately made--that every hour brings to a
metropolitan perambulator a fresh accession of incident.”
CHAPTER XXIII
Observe that lean wretch, how dejected he looks,
The while these fat Justices pore o'er their books.--
“Hem, hem,--this here fellow our fortunes would tell,--
He thence at the treading-mill must have a spell:
He lives by credulity!”--Most people do,--
Even you on the bench there,--ay, you Sir, and you!
Release then the Confrer at Equity's call,
Or otherwise build treading-mills for us all!
~~317~~~ Adverting to the trick recently and successfully practised
on Sir Felix O'Grady, by a juvenile adept in fraud, obtaining from the
Baronet a new suit of clothes; his servant, indignant at his master
having been thus plundered with impunity, had, for several days, been
meditating in what manner most effectually to manouvre, so as to
recover the lost property, and retrieve the honor of Munster, which he
considered tarnished by his master having been duped by a stripling;
when one morning a hand-bill was found in the area, intimating the
residence in Town, pro bono publico, of a celebrated professor of the
Occult Sciences; to whom was given the sublime art of divination, and
who, by astrological and intuitive knowledge, would discover lost or
stolen property, with infallible precision. Thady, whose credulity was
of no inferior order, elate with the idea of consummating his wishes,
communicated to his master the happy opportunity, and was permitted
to seek the counsel of the celestial augurer. Not that the Baronet
entertained any belief of its proving available of discovery, but rather
with the view of introducing to his friends, Dashall and Tallyho, a
fresh source of amusement, as connected with their diurnal investigation
of Real Life in London.
Thither then, Thady repaired, and consulting the Seer, was astonished
by responses which implied the most profound knowledge of times past,
present, and to come! The simplicity of Thady had not escaped the
Astrologer's ~~318~~~ notice, who, by dint of manouvre having contrived
to draw from the Munster man, unwittingly, the requisite intelligence,
merely echoed back the information thus received, to the utter amazement
of Thady, who concluded that the Doctor must have intercourse with the
Devil, and thence that he merited implicit veneration and belief. The