Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
“True,” said Sparkle, “without crossing and jostling, and if he has
his own good in view, he will reside chiefly in the country, choose
an amiable partner for life, and only pay a visit to the metropolis
occasionally; for to live in this land of temptations, where you can
hardly step across the way without getting into error, must be baneful
in effect to a young man like him, of an ardent mind. What say you,
friend Tallyho?”
“I confess,” replied Bob, “that I entertain thoughts very similar
to yours; besides, I apprehend that our old friend Merrywell has had
sufficient experience himself to admit the justice of your observation.”
~~337~~~ “Pshaw,” rejoined Dashall, “you are getting completely
unfashionable. What can be more bang up than a Life in London--high life
and low life--shake the castor, tip the flash, and nibble the blunt.
Look for instance at young Lord Lappit--cares for nothing--all blood and
spirit--fire and tow--up to every thing, and down as a hammer.”
“His is a general case,” replied Sparkle, “and is only one among
numerous others, to prove that many of the disorders which are daily
visible in high life, may be traced to the education, or rather the want
of education of the youthful nobility and gentry. It would be a shocking
and insupportable degradation to send a sprig of fashion to school among
common boys, where probably he might learn something really useful. No,
no,--he must have a private tutor, who is previously instructed to teach
him nothing more than what will enable him to pass muster, as not quite
a fool. Under this guidance, he skims over a few authors almost without
reading, and at all events without knowing what they have written,
merely with a view to acquaint him that there were once such persons in
existence; after which, this tutor accompanies him to one of the public
schools, Westminster, Harrow, or Eton, where the tutor writes his
thesis, translates the classics, and makes verses for him, as well as
he is able. In the new situation, the scholar picks up more of the
frailties of the living, than he does of the instructions of departed
characters. The family connections and the power of purse, with which
the students are aided, embolden them to assume an unbounded license,
and to set at complete defiance all sober rules and regulations; and it
may be justly remarked that our public seminaries are admirably situated
for the indulgence of their propensities: for instance, Westminster
School is fortunately situated in the immediate neighbourhood of a
famous place of instruction called Tothill (vulgarly Tuttle) Fields,
where every species of refined lewdness and debauchery, and manners the
most depraved, are constantly exhibited; consequently they enjoy the
great advantages of learning the slang language, and of hearing prime
chaunts, rum glees, and kiddy catches, in the purest and most bang up
style. He has likewise a fine opportunity of contracting an unalterable
penchant for the frail sisterhood, blue ruin, milling, cock fighting,
bull and badger baiting, donkey racing, drinking, swearing, swaggering,
and other refined amusements, so necessary to form the character of an
accomplished gentleman.”
~~338~~~ “Again, Harrow School is happily so near to the metropolis, as
to afford frequent opportunities for occasional visits to similar scenes
of contagion and fashionable dissipation, that the scholars do not fail
to seek advantages of taking lessons in all those delectable sciences.
“Eton, it is true, is somewhat farther removed from the nursery of
improvement, but it is near enough to Windsor, of which place it is not
necessary to say much, for their Bacchanalian and Cyprian orgies, and
other fashionable festivities, are well known. So that notwithstanding
they are not in the immediate vicinity of the metropolis, there can
scarcely be a doubt of their being able to sport their figures to
advantage, whenever they are let loose upon society.
“Cambridge is but a short distance from that place of sporting
notoriety, Newmarket, consequently it is next to impossible but that a
youth of an aspiring mind should be up to all the manouvres of a race
course--understanding betting, hedging off, crossing and jostling,
sweating and training--know all the jockeys--how to give or take the
odds--lay it on thick, and come it strong. Some have an unconquerable
ambition to distinguish themselves as a whip, sport their tits in tip
top style, and become proficients in buckish and sporting slang--to
pitch it rum, and astonish the natives--up to the gab of the cad. They
take upon themselves the dress and manners of the Varment Club, yet
noted for the appearance of their prads, and the dexterity with which
they can manage the ribbons, and, like Goldfinch, pride themselves on
driving the long coaches--'mount the box, tip coachee a crown, dash
along at full speed, rattle down the gateway, take care of your
heads--never kill'd but one woman and a child in all my life--that's
your sort.'”
“Fine pictures of a University Education,” said Tom, “but Sparkle always
was a good delineator of real character; and there is one thing to be
said, he has been an eye witness of the facts, nay a partaker of the
sports.”
“True,” continued Sparkle, “and, like many others, have had something
like enjoyment in them too.”
“Aye, aye, no doubt of that,” said Bob, dryly,--“but how does it happen
that you have omitted Oxford altogether?”
~~339~~~ “Nay,” said Sparkle, “there is not much difference in any of
them. The students hate all learning but that which they acquire in the
brothel, the ring, or the stable.
They spend their terms somehow or other in or near the University, and
their vacations at Jackson's Rooms in London; so that they know nothing
more of mathematics than sufficient to calculate odds and chances. This,
however, depends upon the wealth of the parties; for notwithstanding
there are some excellent statutes by which they ought to be guided,
a nobleman or wealthy commoner is indulged according to his titles or
riches, without any regard to the rules and regulations in such cases
made and provided.
“From this situation they are at length let loose, thoroughly
accomplished in every thing but what they ought to know. Some make their
appearance as exquisites or dandies--a sort of indescribable being, if
being such things may be called. Others take the example of the bang
ups--make themselves perfect in milling, swearing, greeking, talking
flash, and mail coach driving, until John Doe and Richard Roe drive them
into Abbot's preserve, a circumstance which puts a temporary check upon
the sports--though if the Collegian is but up to the logic, he is very
soon down upon the coves his creditors,{1} bowls them out by harassing
expenses, and walks out himself, up to snuff, and fly.”
1 Bowls them out by harassing expenses.--A proof of the
power which has been exercised under the existing Insolvent
Debtor's Act, will be found in the following extract from a
daily paper:--
An unfortunate debtor was opposed in the Insolvent Debtors'
Court, for having resisted particular creditors with
vexatious law proceedings, sham pleas, &c. The public is not
generally aware of the extent to which such vexatious
resistance can be carried. In the investigations that have
taken place before a Committee of the House of Commons, on
the subject of insolvent debtors, Mr. Thomas Clarke, (at the
time clerk of the Court,) stated, that in a debtor's book he
found a paper, 'wherein it was pointed out to debtors how to
harass creditors.' He had heard, he said, that it was sold
from one prisoner to another, in a printed form, for 6d.
each. That witness then delivered to the committee a book,
from which the following extract was read,--it is extracted
from the Parliamentary Report:--
'Law proceedings.--When arrested and held to bail, and after
being served with a declaration, you may plead a general
issue, which brings you to trial the sooner of any plea that
you can put in; but if you want to vex your plaintiff, put
in a special plea; and, if in custody, get your attorney to
plead in your name, which will cost you 1L. 1s., your
plaintiff, 31L. as expenses. If you do not mean to try the
cause, you have no occasion to do so until your plaintiff
gets judgment against you; he must, in the term after you
put in a special plea, send what is termed the paper book,
which you must return with 7s. 6d. otherwise you will not
put him to half the expenses. When he proceeds, and has
received a final judgment against you, get your attorney to
search the office appointed for that purpose in the Temple,
and when he finds that judgment is actually signed, he must
give notice to the plaintiff's attorney to attend the master
to tax his costs, at which time your attorney must have a
writ of error ready, and give it to the plaintiffs attorney
before the master, which puts him to a very great expense,
as he will have the same charges to go over again. The writ
of error will cost you 4L. 4s. If you want to be further
troublesome to your plaintiffs, make your writ of error
returnable in Parliament, which costs you 8L. 8s. and your
plaintiff 100/. Should he have the courage to follow you
through all your proceedings, then file a bill in the
Exchequer, which will cost about 5L. or 6L.; and if he
answers it, it will cost him 80L. more. After this you may
file a bill in Chancery, which will cost about 10L.; and if
he does not answer this bill, you will get an injunction,
and at the same time an attachment from the court against
him, and may take his body for contempt of court, in not
answering your last bill. You may file your bill in the
Court of Chancery, instead of the Exchequer, only the latter
costs you the least. If you are at any time served with a
copy of a writ, take no further notice of it than by keeping
it; when you are declared against, do not fail to put in a
special plea immediately, and most likely you will hear no
more of the business, as your plaintiff will probably not
like to incur any further expense, after having been at so
much.'
Thus a creditor may be put to an expense of three hundred
and fourteen pounds, by a debtor, for the small cost of 30L.
10s. and all because the laws allowed him to sue for his
own; and if he and his attorney do not keep a sharp look
out, the creditor may get committed for 'contempt of court.'
~~341~~~ “I perceive,” said Tom, “that your imagination is flying
away from your subject; though I admit the justice of your remarks, as
generally applicable to what is termed the higher ranks of society,
and that they are imitated or aped in succession to those of the lower
orders; but we appear to have imperceptibly got into a long descriptive
conversation, instead of pursuing our usual plan of drawing inferences
from actual observation. Let us forth and walk awhile.”
“With all my heart,” said Sparkle, “I see you wish to change the
subject: however, I doubt not there will be a time when you will think
more seriously, and act more usefully.”
“Upon my life you are growing sentimental.”
“Never mind,” said Bob, “keep your spirits up.”
“The world's a good thing, oh how sweet and delicious
The bliss and delight it contains;
Devil a pleasure but fortune crams into our dishes,
Except a few torments and pains.
Then wine's a good thing, the dear drink's so inviting,
Where each toper each care sweetly drowns;