Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
Where our friends we so cherish, so love and delight in,
Except when we're cracking their crowns.”
By the time Bob had concluded his verse, they were on the move, and
taking their direction through St. James's-street, turning the corner of
which,--“there,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “that is the celebrated Lord
Shampetre, of whose name and character you have before heard.”
“Indeed,” said Bob. “Well, I must say, that if I met him in the street,
I should have supposed him to be an old clothesman.”
“Hush,” said Sparkle, “don't be too severe in your observations, for I
have been given to understand his Lordship has expressed his indignation
upon a former occasion at such a comparison; though I must acknowledge
it is not altogether an unjust one; and if exalted, I beg pardon, I mean
popular characters, will force themselves into public notice by their
follies, their vices or their eccentricities, they can have no right to
complain.”
~~342~~~ “And pray,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “where is one to be
found who has made himself more conspicuous than the one in question,
and especially by a very recent occurrence. The fashionable world
is full of the subject of his amatory epistles to the sister of a
celebrated actress,{1} and her very 'commodious mother;' but I dare say
1 To elucidate the subject here alluded to, we cannot do
better than give insertion to the following police report:--
PERFIDY AND PROFLIGACY OF A PEER!
Bow Street.--An application was lately made for a warrant to
apprehend Miss B., the sister of a celebrated actress, for
stealing some chimney ornaments and China cups and saucers.
The application was made by the mother of the accused, in
consequence of her having eloped, and with a view to reclaim
her before her ruin should be consummated. The warrant was
granted, and in a short time the fair delinquent was led in,
resting on the arm of a Mr. B., well known in the
fashionable circles. Mr. C. a solicitor, appeared with the
mother, and the property found by the officer; the mother
identified it, and stated, that she should be happy to
forego the charge, on her daughter consenting to return to
her home. The magistrate then called on the accused for her
defence, when she asserted that the articles were her own,
purchased with money given to her by her friends. In
corroboration, she called the servant, who spoke to a
conversation, in which Mrs. B. blamed her daughter for
spending her money so foolishly; and declared that the
things were always considered to belong to the daughter, and
were given up without the slightest objection when she
applied for them in the name of Miss B. This statement
produced a desultory conversation, which was terminated by
the solicitor remarking, that the principal object, the
return of Miss B., had been lost sight of. Mr. B. then said,
he had paid for the education and every charge of Miss B.
for the last two years. He challenged inquiry into his
conduct, which would be found to have arisen from the most
honourable feelings, when he should prove that Miss B. had
sought his protection from the persecution of Lord P., who
had been sanctioned in his dishonourable overtures by her
mother. When personal insult had been used, she fled to him;
he hired lodgings and a trusty servant for her. A number of
Lord P.'s letters were then read, which abounded in vicious
ideas, obscenities, and gross figures sketched with the pen.
Miss B., then in tears, stated, that she had been shut up
with Lord P. with her mother's knowledge, when indecent
attacks were made by him upon her on a sofa; and that her
mother urged her to become his mistress, saying she should
have an allowance of 500L. a-year. The mother strongly
denied these assertions, and, after the magistrate had
animadverted on the alleged disgraceful conduct of the
mother, if true, the affair was settled by Miss B. (only
16,) being put under the care of a female friend, agreeable
to both parties, Mr. B. to pay all the expenses.
Having thus given an account of the affair, as related in
most of the daily papers, we think it right to add the
following by way of elucidation.
The young lady is Miss B--rt--l--zzi, daughter of a late
cele-brated engraver of that name, and younger sister of an
actress on the boards of Old Drury, who has obtained great
notoriety for a pretty face, a roving eye, a fine set of
teeth, a mellow voice, and an excessive penchant for
appearing before the public in breeches--Macheath and Don
Giovanni to wit. 'Mr. B.,' the gentleman under whose
protection she is living, or rather was living, is a
gentleman of large West India possessions, who some time ago
immortalized himself in a duel about a worthless woman, with
Lord C--If--d, in which duel he had the honour of sending
his lordship to his account with all his 'imperfections on
his head.' The third party, 'Lord P.,' is a nobleman, whose
chief points are a queer-shaped hat, long shirt sleeves,
exquisitely starched, very white gloves, a very low
cabriolet, and a Lord George Gordon-ish affectation of
beard. We do not know that he is distinguished for any thing
else. For the fourth party--the young lady's mamma, she is,--
what she is; a rather elderly personage, remarkably
commodious, very discreet, 'and all that sort of thing.'
We could not help admiring her commodiousness when she
accompanied Lord P. and her daughter to Drury-lane Theatre,
the last time the King was there. It was almost equal to his
Lordship's assiduity, and the young lady's _ennui_.
~~343~~~ his Lordship is displeased with no part of the eclat, except the
quiz that his liberal offer of £500. would be about £25. per annum, or
9s. 7d. a week--a cheap purchase of a young lady's honour, and therefore
a good bargain.”
“I believe,” continued Sparkle, “there is little about him, either as to
person or to character, which entitles him to occupy more of our time,
which may be better devoted to more agreeable and deserving subjects.”
“Apropos,” said Dashall, taking Sparkle at his word, “do you observe a
person on the other side of the way with a blue nose and a green coat,
cut in the true jockey style, so as to render it difficult to
ascertain whether he is a gentleman or a gentleman's groom? That is Mr.
Spankalong, who has a most unconquerable attachment to grooms, coachmen,
and stable assistants; whose language and manners it is one of the
principal studies of his life to imitate. He prides himself on being a
good driver of four in hand, and tickling the tits along the road in a
mail carriage, is the _ne plus ultra_ of his ambition. He will take a
journey of an hundred miles out of town, merely to meet and drive up
a mail coach, paying for his own passage, and feeing the coachmen for
their permission. Disguised in a huge white coat, with innumerable capes
and mother o'pearl buttons, he seats himself on the box--Elbows square,
wrists pliant--all right--Hayait--away they go. He takes his glass of
gin and bitters on the ~~344~~~ road--opens the door for the passengers
to get in--with 'now my masters--you please;' and seems quite as much
at home as Mr. Matthews at the Lyceum, with 'all that sort of thing, and
every thing in the world.' He is, however, not singular in his taste,
for many of our hereditary statesmen are to be found among this class,
save and except that he carries his imitations to a farther extent than
any person I ever knew; and it is a fact, that he had one of his fore
teeth punched out, in order to enable the noble aspirant to give the
true coachman's whistle, and to spit in a Jehu-like manner, so as to
project the saliva from his lips, clear of the cattle and traces, into
the hedge on the near side of the road.”
“Accomplishments that are truly deserving the best considerations of a
noble mind,” rejoined Tallyho.
“And absolutely necessary to the finished gentleman of the present day,
of course,” continued Sparkle; “and as I have not had a lounge in these
Corinthian regions for some little time, I am glad to be thus furnished
with a key to characters that may be new to me.”
“There is one on the opposite side of the way not altogether new, as he
has made some noise in the world during his time--I mean the gentleman
whose features exhibit so much of the rouge--it is the celebrated Sir
George Skippington, formerly well known in Fop's Alley, and at the
Opera; not so much on account of his elegant person, lively wit,
or polished address, as for his gallantries, and an extraordinary
affectation of dress, approaching very nearly to the ridiculous, the
chief part of his reputation being derived from wearing a pea-green
coat, and pink silk stockings: he has, however, since that time become
a dramatic writer, or at least a manufacturer of pantomime and shew;
and--ah, but see--speaking of writers--here we have a Hook, from which
is suspended a certain scandalous Journal, well known for its dastardly
attacks upon private character, and whose nominal conductors are at this
moment in durance vile; but a certain affair in the fashionable way of
defaulting, has brought him down a peg or two. His ingenuity has been
displayed on a variety of occasions, and under varying circumstances.
His theatrical attempts have been successful, and at Harrow he was
called the Green Man, in consequence of his affected singularity of
wearing a complete suit of clothes of that colour. He appears to act
at all times upon the favourite recommendation of Young Rapid, 'keep
moving;' for he is always in motion, in consequence of which it is said,
that Lord Byron wittily remarked, 'he certainly was not the Green Man
and Still.'”{1}
1 The Green Man and Still in the well known sign of a
pubic-house in Oxford Road.
~~345~~~ “Why,” cried Bob, “there seems to be as little of still life
about him just now, as there is about Hookey Walker. But pray who is
that dingy gentleman who passed us within the last minute, and who
appeared to be an object of attraction to some persons on the opposite
side--he appears to have been cut out for a tailor.”
“That,” replied Tom, “is a Baronet and cornuto, who married the handsome
daughter of a great Marquis. She, however, turned out a complete
termagant, who one day, in the heat of her rage, d------d her rib for
a sneaking puppy, dashed a cup of coffee in his face, and immediately
after flew for protection to a Noble Lord, who entertained a penchant
for her. This, however, proved to be a bad speculation on her part; and
having seriously reflected on the consequences of such conduct, she made
her appearance again at her husband's door a few nights afterwards, and
in the spirit of contrition sought forgiveness, under a promise of never
transgressing any more, little doubting but her claim to admission would
be allowed. Here, however, it seems she had reckoned without her
host,--for the Baronet differing in opinion, would not listen to her
proposition: her entreaties and promises were urged in vain, and the
deserted though still _cara sposa_, has kept the portals of his door, as
well as the avenues to his heart, completely closed to her since.”
At this moment they were interrupted by the approach of a gaily dressed
young man, who seizing Dashall by the hand, and giving him a hearty
shake, exclaimed,--
“Ha, my dear fellow, what Dashall, and as I live, Mr. Sparkle, you are
there too, are you: d------me, what's the scent--up to any thing--going