Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
convulsive nod of the head once was to a rich gentleman, who was never
without being engaged in some law suit or other, for lots knocked down
to him at auctions, owing to his incessant and involuntary noddings at
these places. The fat ladies wish the illustrious amateur to pay for
peeping, just as the crafty knights of the hammer endeavoured to make
the rich gentleman pay for his nodding at them.”
“Fat, fair, and forty, then,” said Sparkle, “does not appear to be
forgotten.”
~~360~~~ “No,” was the reply, “nor is it likely: the wits of London are
seldom idle upon subjects of importance: take for instance the following
lines:--
“When first I met thee, FAT and fair,
With forty charms about thee,
A widow brisk and _debonair_,
How could I live without thee.
Thy rogueish eye I quickly spied,
It made me still the fonder,
I swore though false to all beside,
From thee I'd never wander.
But old Fitzy now,
Thou'rt only fit to tease me,
And C----------M I vow,
Has learn't the art to please me.”
By this time they were passing Grosvenor gate, when the Hon. Tom Dashall
directed the attention of his Cousin to a person on the opposite side of
the street, pacing along with a stiff and formal air.
“That,” said he, “is a new species of character, if it may properly be
so termed, of which I have never yet given you any account. Sir Edward
Knowell stands, however, at the head of a numerous and respectable class
of persons, who may be entitled Philosophic Coxcombs. He proceeds with
geometrical exactness in all his transactions. You can perceive finery
of dress is no mark of his character; on the contrary, he at all times
wears a plain coat; and as if in ridicule of the common fop, takes care
to decorate his menials in the most gorgeous liveries.
“The stiffness and formality of his appearance is partly occasioned by
the braces which he very judiciously purchased of Martin Van Butchell,
and partly by the pride of wealth and rank.
“There is a pensiveness in his aspect, which would induce any one to
imagine Sir Edward to be a man of feeling; but those who have depended
upon outward appearances alone, have found themselves miserably
deceived; for as hypocrisy assumes a look of sanctity, so your
philosophic coxcomb's apparent melancholy serves only as a mask to cover
his stupidity.
“Sir Edward is amorously inclined; but he consults his reason, or
pretends to do so, and by that means renders his pleasures subservient
to his health. It cannot be denied he sometimes manifests contortions of
aspect not exactly in unison with happiness; but his feelings are ever
selfish, and his apparent pain is occasioned by the nausea of a debauch,
or perhaps by the pressure of a new pair of boots. If you are in
distress, Sir Edward hears your tale with the most stoical indifference,
and he contemplates your happiness with an equal degree of apathy--a
sort of Epictetus, who can witness the miseries of a brother without
agony or sympathy, and mark the elevation of a friend without one
sentiment of congratulation: wrapt up in self, he banishes all feeling
for others.
~~361~~~ “This philosopher has a great number of imitators--perhaps not
less than one thousand philosophic coxcombs visit London annually; and
if Sir Edward were to die, they might all with great propriety lay claim
to a participation in the property he might leave behind him, as near
relations to the family of the Knowells. These gentlemen violate all the
moral duties of life with impunity: they are shameless, irreligious,
and so insignificant, that they seem to consider themselves born for
no useful purpose whatever. Indeed they are such perfect blanks in the
creation, that were they transported to some other place, the community
would never miss them, except by the diminution of follies and vices.
Like poisonous plants, they merely vegetate, diffuse their contagious
effluvia around, then sink into corruption, and are forgotten for ever.”
“Whip me such fellows through the world,” exclaimed Sparkle, “I have no
relish for them.”
On calling in at Long's Hotel, they were informed that Sparkle's servant
had been in pursuit of his master, in consequence of letters having
arrived from the country; and as Dashall knew that he had two excellent
reasons why he should immediately acquaint himself with their contents,
the party immediately returned to Piccadilly.
CHAPTER XXVI
“-----Mark the change at very first vacation,
She's scarcely known to father or relation.
No longer now in vesture neat and tight,
Because forsooth she's learn'd to be polite.
But crop't--a bosom bare, her charms explode,
Her shape, the _tout ensemble a-la-mode_.
Why Bet, cries Pa, what's come to thee of late?
This school has turn'd thy brain as sure as fate.
What means these vulgar ways? I hate 'em wench,
You shan't, I tell thee, imitate the French;
Because great vokes adopt a foreign taste,
And wear their bosoms naked to the waist,
D'ye think you shall--No, no, I loathe such ways,
Mercy! great nokes shew all for nothing now adays.”
~~362~~~
The morning arose with smiles and sunshine, which appeared almost to
invite our party earlier than they intended to the enjoyments of a plan
which had occupied their attention on the previous evening, when Sparkle
proposed a ride, which being consented to, the horses were prepared, and
they were quickly on the road.
Passing through Somers Town, Sparkle remarked to his friend Dashall,
that he could not help thinking that the manners and information of the
rising generation ought to be greatly improved.
“And have you not had sufficient evidence of the fact?” was the reply.
“Why certainly,” continued Sparkle, “if the increase of public schools
round the metropolis is in proportion to what has already met my
eye during our present short ride, there is sufficient evidence that
education is considered as it ought to be, of the first importance. Yet
I question whether we are so much more learned than our ancestors, as
to require such a vast increase of teachers. Nay, is not the market
overstocked with these heads of seminaries, similar to the republic of
letters, which is overwhelmed with authors, and clogged with bookmakers
and books.”
~~363~~~ “This remark,” replied Tom, “might almost as well be made upon
every trade and profession which is followed; in the present day there
are so many in each, that a livelihood can scarcely be obtained, and a
universal grumbling is the consequence.”
“Well,” said Bob, “I can with safety say there are but two trades or
callings that I have met with since my arrival in London, to which I
have discovered no rivalship.”
This remark from Tallyho excited some surprise in the mind of his two
friends, who were anxious to know to what he alluded.
“I mean,” continued he, “the doll's bedstead seller, who is frequently
to be heard in the street of London, bawling with a peculiarity of
voice as singular as the article he has for sale,--'Buy my doll's
bedsteads;'--and the other, a well known whistler, whom you must both
have heard.”
“Egad you are right,” replied Sparkle; “and although I recollect them
both, I must confess the observation now made has never so forcibly
struck me before: it, however, proves you have not exhausted your time
in town without paying attention to the characters it contains, nor the
circumstances by which they obtain their livelihood; and although
the introduction is not exactly in point with the subject of previous
remarks, and ought not to cut the thread of our discourse, it has some
reference, and conveys to my mind a novel piece of information. But I
was about to consider what can be the causes for this extraordinary
host of ladies of all ages, classes and colours, from the Honourable
Mistress------to the Misses Stubbs, who have their establishment for
the education of young ladies in a superior style; and whether in
consequence of this legion of fair labourers in learning and science,
our countrywomen (for I am adverting particularly to the softer sex) are
chaster, wiser, and better, than their mammas and grand-mammas.”
“A most interesting subject, truly,” replied Tom, “and well worthy of
close investigation. Now for my part I apprehend that the increase of
tutors arises from many other causes than the more general diffusion of
knowledge.”
~~364~~~ “There can be no doubt of it,” continued Sparkle, “and some
of those causes are odd enough--very opposite to wisdom, and not more
conducive to improvement; for amongst them you will find pride, poverty,
and idleness.
“For instance, you may discover that the proud partner of a shopkeeper
in the general line, or more plainly speaking, the proprietor of a
chandler's shop, is ambitious of having her daughter accomplished.
“E'en good Geoffrey Forge, a blacksmith by descent,
Who has his life 'midst bars and hammers spent,
Resolves his Bet shall learn to read and write,
And grace his table with a wit polite.
To make for father's sense a reparation--
The day arrives for fatal separation;
When Betsey quits her dad with tears of woe,
And goes to boarding-school--at Pimlico.”
“Well, the accomplishments sought are music, dancing, French, and
ornamental work; instead of learning the Bible, being brought up to
domestic utility, cooking, washing, plain work, and the arithmetic
necessary for keeping the accounts of her father's shop. What is the
consequence?--the change in her education quite unfits Miss for her
station in life; makes her look down on her unlettered Pa--and Ma--as
persons too ignorant for her to associate with; while she is looking
up with anxious expectation to marry a man of fortune (probably an
officer); and is not unfrequently taken unceremoniously without the
consent of her parents on a visit to the church.''
“You are pushing the matter as close as you can, Charles,” said Dashall;
“though I confess I think, nay I may say indeed I know some instances
in which such fatal consequences have been the result of the conduct to
which you allude.”
“Well, then, suppose even that this superior style of education should
not have the effect of turning the poor girl's head, and that she really
has prudence and discretion enough to avoid the perils and snares of
ambition; Miss Celestina is at least unfitted for a tradesman's wife,
and she must either become a companion, or a governess, or a teacher
at a school, or be set up as the Minerva of an evening school--half
educated herself, and exposed in every situation for which she is
conceived to be fitted, to numerous temptations, betwixt the teachers
of waltzes and quadrilles--the one horse chaise dancing-masters--the
lax-moraled foreign music-master--or the dashing Pa--of her young pupils
(perhaps a Peer). Celibacy is not always so much an affair of choice as
of circumstances, and sad difficulties are consequently thrown in the
way of poor Miss So and So's path through life--all originating from
pride.”
~~365~~~ “Well,” said Bob, “since you have been amusing us with
this description, I have counted not less than eight seminaries,
establishments, and preparatory schools.”
“I do not doubt it,” continued Sparkle; “and some of them on the meanest
scale, notwithstanding the high sounding titles under which they are
introduced to public notice: others presided over by sister spinsters,
not unfrequently with Frenchified names; such, for instance, as
'Mesdames Puerdon's Seminary,' the lady's real name being Martha (or,