Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
a scene and such dresses. Then should a robe of Tulle vie with that of
Laura at the church door--that dress of '_Vert parsemée de violets_.'
But softly, let us begin with the beginning, _Bélier mon ami_. What a
galaxy of all the stars of fashion! It was a paradise of loveliness, fit
for Mahomet. All the beauties of the Georgian Æra were present. Those
real graces, their Graces of A------ and R------ were among the number.
~~404~~~ The Countess of L------ and Lady F------ O------ would make one
cry heresy when the poets limit us to a single Venus. And then the Lady
P------'s. Heaven keep us heart-whole when such stars rain their soft
influence upon us. As to the Countess of B------, with her diamond
tiara, and eyes brighter than her diamonds, she looked so goddess-like,
that I was tempted to turn heathenish and worship. Indeed, that bright
eyes should exert their brilliancy amid the dazzling brightness of our
fair and elegant hostess's rooms, is no trifle. Dancing commenced at
eleven; and, although my vanity allured me to think that the favorable
glances of more than one would-be partner were directed towards me,
I felt no inclination to sport a toe in the absence of Lady L. M.
By-the-by, Count C------ told me, with a profusion of foreign compliment,
that I and the 'observed of all observers,' Lord E------h, were the best
drest male personages at the rout.
Thanks to the magical operation of the Schneider, who makes or mars a
man.
“The _coup d'oil_ of the scene was charming. _Cétoit un
vrai délice_--that atmosphere of light, of fragrance, and of
music--gratifying all the senses at once. Oh! what bosoms, arms, and
necks were thronging round me! Phidias, had he attempted to copy them,
would have forgotten his work to gaze and admire. Description fails in
picturing the _tout ensemble_,--the dazzling chandeliers blazing
like constellations--the richly draperied _meubles_--the magnificent
dresses--and then so many eyes, like stars glittering round one; like
'Heaven,' as Ossian says, 'beaming with all its fires.'
“In the midst of my admiration, I was accosted by Caustic, and expressed
my surprise at finding him in such a scene--'A rout,' he replied, 'is
just one of those singular incoherences which supply me with laughter
for a month. Was there ever such a tissue of inconsistencies assembled
as in these pleasure hunts? On stepping from your carriage, you run the
gauntlet through two lines of quizzing spectators, who make great eyes,
as the French term it, at you, and some of whom look as if they took a
fancy to your knee buckles. A double row of gaudy footmen receive you in
the blazing hall, and make your name echo up the stairs, as you ascend,
in a voice of thunder. Your _tête s'exalte_, and when you expect to be
ushered into the Temple of Fame, you find yourself embedded (pardon the
metaphor) in a _parterre_ of female beauty.'
~~405~~~ “As for me,” I replied, interrupting the satirist, “I delight
in such things. I believe that fashion, like kings, can do no wrong.”
“And so you would rather have your ribs beat in, than your name left
out. But look round you, in God's name! what is the whole scene but &
fashionable mob met together to tread on each other's heels and tear
each other's dresses? Positively, you cannot approach the mistress of
the mansion to pay those common courtesies which politeness in all other
cases exacts. And how so many delicate young creatures can bear a heat,
pressure and fatigue, which would try the constitution of a porter, is
_incroyable_. Talk of levelling! This 'is the chosen seat of _égalité_.'
All distinctions of age, grace, rank, accomplishment, and wit, are lost
in the midst of a constantly accumulating crowd. What nerves but those
of pride and vanity, can bear the heat, the blaze of light, the buzz of
voices above, and the roar of announcements from below?”
“While Caustic was speaking, his reasoning received a curious and
apposite illustration. Three or four ladies near us began fainting, or
affected to faint, and hartshorn and gentlemen's arms were in general
requisition. Notwithstanding his acerbity, Caustic, like a preux
chevalier, pressed forward to offer his aid where the pressure was most
oppressive, and where the fainting ladies were dropping by dozens, like
ripe fruit in autumn. As for myself, I was just in time to receive in
my arms a beautiful girl who was on the point of sinking, and, being
provided with hartshorn, my assistance was so effectual, with the aid of
a neighbouring window, that I had the satisfaction of restoring her in
a few minutes to her friends, who did all they could, by crowding round
her with ill-timed condolements, to prevent her recovery. By this time
the rest of the ladies took warning from these little misadventures to
retire. Caustic, in his sardonic way, would insist upon it, that they
retired to avoid that exposure of defects in beauty, which the first
ray of morning produces. I took my _congé_ among the rest, and found
the hubbub which attended my entrance, increased to a tenfold degree
of violence at my exit; for the uproar of calling 'My Lord This's
carriage,' and 'My Lady That's chair,' was nothing in comparison to
the noise produced ~~406~~~ by servants quarrelling, police officers
remonstrating, carriages cracking, and linkboys hallooing. Some of the
mob had, it appeared, made an irruption into the hall, to steal what
great-coats, cocked hats, or pelisses they could make free with. This
was warmly protested against by the footmen and the police, and a
regular set-to was the consequence. Through this 'confusion worse
confounded' I with difficulty made my way to the carriage, and was not
sorry, as the slang phrase is, to make myself scarce.”
The party could not feel otherwise than amused by Gayfield's description
of the rout; and the conversation taking a turn on similar subjects,
Sparkle, ever ambitious of displaying his talent for descriptive humour,
gave the following sketch of a fashionable dinner party:--
“I went with Colonel A------, by invitation, to dine with Lord F.,
in Portman Square. Lord F. is a complete gentleman; and, though sadly
inconvenienced by the gout, received me with that frank, cordial,
and well-bred ease which always characterizes the better class of the
English nobility. The company consisted of two or three men of political
eminence; Lord Wetherwool, a great agriculturist; Viscount Flash, an
amateur of the Fancy; Lord Skimcream, an ex-amateur director of a winter
theatre; Lord Flute, an amateur director of the Opera, whose family
motto, by a lucky coincidence, is '_Opera non Verba_.' There were,
moreover, Mr. Highsole, a great tragedian, and my friend Tom Sapphic,
the dandy poet; one of those bores, the 'Lions' of the season. He had
just brought out a new tragedy, called the 'Bedlamite in Buff,' under
the auspices of Lord Skimcream; and it had been received, as
the play-bills announced, with 'unprecedented, overwhelming, and
electrifying applause.' Of course I concluded that it would live two
nights, and accounted for the dignified _hauteur_ of my friend Tom's
bow, as he caught my eye, by taking into consideration the above-named
unprecedented success. There was also present the universal genius, Dr.
Project, to whom I once introduced you. He is a great chymist, and
a still greater _gourmand_; moreover, a musician; has a hand in the
leading reviews; a share in the most prominent of the daily papers.
“Little was said till the wine and desert were introduced; and then the
conversation, as might naturally be expected from the elements of which
the party was composed, split itself into several subdivisions. As I
sat ~~407~~~ next to Colonel A., I had the advantage of his greater
familiarity with the personages at table. Lord Wetherwool was as absurd
as he could possibly be on the subject of fattening oxen. Lord Flute and
Viscount Flash laid bets on the celerity of two maggots, which they had
set at liberty from their respective nut-shells. The noble ex-director,
Highsole and Sapphic, were extremely warm in discussing the causes of
the present degradation of the stage; each shuffling the responsibility
from the members of their own profession and themselves. Dr. Project
entertained his noble host with an interminable dissertation upon
oxygen, hydrogen, and all the _gens_ in the chemical vocabulary; for
patience in enduring which his Lordship was greatly indebted to his
preparatory fit of the gout. Meanwhile, the lordling exquisites only
fired off a few 'lady terms,' like minute guns and 'angel visits,' with
long intervals between, filling up the aforesaid intervals by sipping
Champagne and eating _bonbons_. The essence of what they said, amounted
to mutual wonder at the d------d run of luck last night, in King-street;
or mutual felicitation on the new faces which had appeared that day, for
the first time, among the old standing beauties who charm Bond-street,
at lounge hours, either in curricle or on foot. For my part, I was
attracted towards the discussion of the dramatic trio, not because I
affect, as the cant of the day is, to have a particular attrait towards
the _belles lettres_, but merely because the more plebeian disputants
were vociferous, (a thing not often observed among fashionables) and
_outré_ in their gesticulations, even to caricature. 'What do you think
of their arguments?' I inquired, _sotte voce_, of Colonel A. 'If we are
to be decided by their conjoint statements, no one is to blame for the
degradation of the stage.'
“'They are all in the right,' returned he, '(excuse the paradox,)
because they are all in the wrong. There is a rottenness in the whole
theatrical system, which, unless it terminate, like manure thrown at
the root of trees, in some new fructification of genius, will end by
rendering the national theatres national nuisances. With reference to
the interests of literature, they are a complete hoax. To please the
manager, the object which the writer must have in view, he must not
paint nature or portray character, but write up, as the cant phrase
is, to the particular forte of Mr. So and So, or Miss Such-a-one. The
consequence is, that the public get only one species of fare, and that
is pork, varied indeed, as broiled, baked, roasted, and boiled; but
still pork, nothing but pork.'
~~408~~~ “'But surely,' I rejoined, 'Mr. Sapphic and Mr. Highsole
are gentlemen of high acquirements, independently of their several
professions, or a nobleman of Lord F------'s taste and discrimination--'
“'There you are falling into an error,' returned the colonel,
interrupting me; 'it is the fashion to introduce actors at the tables of
our great men; but, in my opinion, it is a 'custom more honored in the
breach than the observance.' I have known several good actors on the
stage, very indifferent actors in society, and large characters in the
play-bills, as well as loud thunders from the gods, may be earned by
very stupid, very vulgar, and very ill-bred companions. The same may
be said of poets. We are poor creatures at best, and the giant of
a reviewer very often cuts but a very sorry figure when left to the
ricketty stilts of his own unsupported judgment in a drawing-room. You
are tolerably familiar with our political parties; but you are yet to
be acquainted with our literary squads, which are the most bigotted,
selfish, exclusive, arrogant, little knots of little people it is
possible to conceive.'
“By the time that Colonel A------had ended his short initiation into
these various arcana, the company broke up; the doctor to give a lecture
on egg-shells at the Committee of Taste; Lord Flute to visit the Opera;
Lord Skimcream to the Green Boom; Lord Flash to 'Fives Court,' to see a
set-to by candle-light; the exquisites to Bouge et Noir or Almack's;