Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
baker's quartern loaf without its 'doctor,' (i.e. alum), was falling to
pieces. The worthy treasurer had retired, seizing on such articles as
were most within reach; and when I called upon him with my resignation,
I had the pleasure of seeing my own busts handsomely lining the walls of
the toothdrawer's passage. I waited on the Socratics for the Bums they
had been so polite as to borrow.--One, to shew that he had profited by
studying Socrates, threatened to accuse me and the society of a plot to
overturn the government, if a syllable more on so low a subject as money
was mentioned. Another told me that he was just going on a visit to
Abbot's Park for three months, and should be glad to see me when he came
back. A third, an unwashed artificer,' was so kind as to inform me that
~~414~~~ he 'had just got white-washed, and he did not care one straw
for my black looks.' And a fourth, an index-maker, when presented
with his acceptance, kindly indicated that he had not the slightest
recollection of the thing, and that, if I persisted in compelling
payment, he would bring a philosophical gentleman from Cold Bath
Fields, and two honest men from Newgate, to swear that it was not his
hand-writing.
“The drop-curtain being thus let down on the last act of the farce,
there was no alternative between being queerly plundered, or instantly
laying a horse-whip over the hungry philosophers. To sue them reminded
me of the proverb--'Sue a beggar,' &c. To crack a _baculine_ joke over
their sconces would involve an expense which the worthy philosophers
were not worth. I had done an imprudent thing in joining the 'march of
mind,' and all that I could do was to brush the dust from my coat and
the mud from my shoes: 'he that touches pitch,' says Solomon, 'shall
he not be denied thereby?' Mr. Treasurer, therefore, remained in
quiet possession of the busts--the book-stall displayed the properly
appreciated volumes--and the Socratic borrowers took all the care in the
world of 'value received.'”
Thus the day, which it was intended to have been spent in amusements
out of doors, was passed in animated and amusing conversation over the
hospitable and convivial board, and a fresh zest was added to wit and
humour by the exhilarating influence of the rosy god.
CHAPTER XXXII
In London, blest with competence.
With temper, health, and common sense,
None need repine or murmur--nay,
All may be happy in their way.
E'en the lone dwelling of the poor
And suffering, are at least obscure;
And in obscurity--exempt
From poverty's worst scourge--contempt.
Unmark'd the poor man seeks his den.
Unheeded issues forth again;
Wherefore appears he, none inquires,
Nor why--nor whither he retires.
All that his pride would fain conceal,
All that shame blushes to reveal;
The petty shifts, the grovelling cares,
To which the sous of want are heirs;
Those evils, grievous to be borne,
Call forth--not sympathy, but scorn;
Here hidden--elude the searching eye
Of callous curiosity.
~~415~~~
The following morning was one of unusual bustle, activity, and anxiety,
the originally intended movements of the party being thus unexpectedly
interrupted. Dashall had arisen before his usual hour, and departed from
home before the appearance of Sparkle and Bob to breakfast: it was, of
course, supposed that the promised duel would have decided the fate of
one of the antagonists before they should see him again.
In this conjecture, however, they were pleasingly disappointed by his
arrival about half past eleven o'clock.
“Well,” said Sparkle, “it is all over--who has fallen--which is the
man--how many shots--what distance--who was the other second--and where
is the wounded hero?”
“Nay,” said Tom, “you are before-hand with me; I have none of the
intelligence you require.--I have been in search of Lord Bluster,
who left town this very morning, three hours before my arrival, for
Edinburgh; and consesequently, I suppose, either has no intimation of
Laconic's intention to seek, or if he has--is determined to be out of
the way of receiving a regular challenge; so that, in all probability,
it will end, like many other duels, in smoke.”
~~416~~~ “Notwithstanding your friend's letter was so full of fire,”
observed Tallyho.
“But perhaps he became more cool over a bottle of claret--toe to toe, my
boy,” continued Sparkle.
This conversation was interrupted by a letter, which being delivered
to Tom, he read aloud, interrupted only by laughter, which he could not
restrain.
“Dear Tom, “Don't like fighting in England--am off directly for
Cork.--Tell Bluster I'll wait there till he comes--but if he values
his life, not to come at all.---Please do the needful in despatching my
servants, &c. within two days, for I am in such a passion I can't wait a
moment.--So adieu.
“Yours, sincerely, Laconic.”
“Excellent, upon my word,” said Sparkle; “here are two men of honour
determined upon meeting, running away from each other even before the
preliminaries are arranged.”
“There is novelty in it at least,” said Tom, “though I am by no means
astonished at the end of it; for I before observed, I do not think
either of them over fond of powder. Laconic pretended that nothing would
satisfy him but fighting immediately, provided Bluster was to be found:
any person to whom bis character was not known would have expected
some spilling of blood before this time. But it is now plain that this
blustering was the effect of the wine, and the man's cooler judgment has
extinguished the flame of his irritability.”
“I think,” said Tallyho, “it would be well to advise them to meet
half-seas over, and draw a cork together by way of settling their
differences.”
“Curse their differences,” replied Dashall, “I'll have nothing more to
do with them: upon the whole, I am glad now that I could not meet with
Bluster, or I should have looked like a fool between the two; and as it
is, I am not much pleased with the adventure, particularly as it must
necessarily delay me, and I hate the idea of travelling alone. I should
very much have liked to start with you; but as Laconic has made me fully
acquainted with his affairs, in case he should fall in the intended
duel, I must even comply with the contents of his note; though, if he
had not actually departed, you may rest assured I would have nothing to
do with him or his concerns.”
~~417~~~ “Come, come,” cried Sparkle, “grumbling is of no use now; and
as the circumstances are not made public, the duellists will escape
being laughed at. There is no harm done--we must be upon the alert--we
shortly bid adieu to London, and shall not be so well pleased to
leave you behind; but remember you promise to follow as quickly as
possible.--Now, how shall we dispose of the remainder of the time?”
“Zounds,” replied Tom, “all my plans are deranged by this foolish affair
of Laconic's, and I can hardly tell which way to move.--However, I shall
not devote myself to his affairs to-day; therefore I am at your service;
and as time is but short with us, let us make good use of it. The
tragedy of the duel having ended most comically, I am prepared for any
thing farcical; therefore say the word, and I am your man for a toddle,
east, west, north, or south.”
Upon this intimation, our friends sallied forth upon a sort of Quixotic
excursion in search of adventures, for neither could make up his mind
as to the precise place of their destination, when the first object that
attracted their particular notice was a large printed bill, announcing
to the public, “That the sale at Fonthill Abbey, advertised for the 8th
of October, would not take place, in consequence of the property being
disposed of by private contract.”{1}
1 The following appeared in the daily prints relating to
this valuable property:--
“FONTHILL ABBEY. “The sale at this splendid mansion is not
to take place, the estate having been sold by private
contract; the purchaser is said to be Mr. Farquhar, a rich
East India merchant, who is reported to have given 330,000L.
for the property. It is stated that every article in the
Abbey goes with it, with the exception of the family plate
and pictures, and a very few favourite rarities. Possession
is to be taken immediately. The sale of the whole estate is
an event for which the people of the place seem to have been
totally unprepared. They were led to believe, from the
beginning, that nothing was to be sold but the mere luxuries
of the place; but as to the Abbey, they universally
asserted, in the strongest manner, as if they had good
reason to be convinced of the thing, that Mr. Beck-ford
would as soon part with his life as with a residence which
he prized so dearly. Now, however, that they have heard from
the steward, that the estate has been sold, and that he has
received notice to quit his office in a fortnight, they
begin to feel that they have lost an excellent landlord. Mr.
Beckford has taken a house in town, in the New Road, where
he means chiefly to reside in future. Every body is aware
that the chief part of that princely income, which enabled
him to raise this expensive edifice from the foundation, was
derived from his paternal estates in the West Indies. Such
was the wealth which those estates at one time pro-duced,
that it obtained for his grandfather the distinction of
being considered the richest subject in Europe. For the last
ten years they have declined very materially, and several of
them have been entirely lost through a defect that has been
discovered in the title. The original purchaser obtained
these in the way of mort-gage, and having foreclosed them in
an untechnical manner, advantage has been taken of the
informality by the heirs of the mortgagors, and Mr. Beckford
has been dispossessed. The defence of his title, and the
other consequences, involved him in losses and vast
expenses; besides which, the revenue from his unquestionable
estates in those islands has declined to less than one-tenth
of what it formerly was. Mr. Farquhar, the gentleman who is
reported to have purchased Fouthill Abbey, is the principal
partner and proprietor of Whitbread's brew-house, and is
likewise at the head of the first mercantile house in the
City, for the management of all agency concerns, connected
with India.”
~~418~~~ “Thousands of people,” says Dashall, “who had been flocking to
that neighbourhood, intending to obtain a view of the premises, will, by
this event, be disappointed. Several of my friends have paid a visit to
it, and describe it as a most princely mansion.”
“And pray,” inquired Sparkle, “what is the cause of its being sold at
all 1 It has always been reported that Mr. Beckford was a man of very
extensive property.”
“That appears to be a little mysterious, and report, who is always a
busy fellow on extraordinary occasions, has not been idle: by some it is
stated, that Mr. Beckford suffered great and irreparable losses in his
West India property, and that there are in the Abbey at this moment
executions to the amount of eighty thousand pounds; that the view of the
effects has taken place entirely under the control of the sheriffs: by
others it is asserted that no such embarrassment exists. However, be
that as it may, the public have been highly gratified for some time past
in being permitted to view the estate and the valuable curiosities it