Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
from Caxton to Mons. Ude, of modern celebrity. As science proceeds by
gradual advances, I frequented the better sort of coffee-houses, to
initiate myself in the correct nomenclature of different dishes, and
to judge of their skilful preparation. These, to be sure, are proper
schools for a beginner; but I soon discovered that these victuallers,
on account of their numerous visitants, who are disposed to eat much and
pay little, could not afford to furnish the most costly and exquisite
_entrees_. Sometimes I found that the same turkey had been twice
subjected to the spit; a sole that had been broiled the day before,
underwent the operation of frying on the following. Cold meat appeared
as hot pie, with many other curious and ingenious devices. Then the wine
was so adulterated, compelled, like a melancholic patient, to look
old before its time, and fitted, like a pauper, with a ready-made coat
perceptibly impregnated with bad brandy, and tasted of every thing
but the grape, that, in about six months, I sickened, and no longer
frequented these tasteless and inhospitable retreats for the hungry.
“'To view the ordinary arrangements of a modern dinner is a “sorry
sight:”--a dozen articles placed at once upon the table--then, on
the removal of the covers, comes the ferocious onset; some tremulous
paralytic serving the soup, and scattering it in all directions,
excepting into the plate where it ought to be delivered; ~~425~~~ then
an unhandy dandy mutilates the fish by cutting it in a wrong direction;
here, an officious ignoramus tears asunder the members of a fowl as
coarsely as the four horses dragged Ravillac, limb from limb; there,
another simpleton notching a tongue into dissimilar slices, while a
purblind coxcomb confounds the different sauces, pouring anchovy on
pigeon-pie, and parsley and butter on roast-beef. All these barbarisms
are unknown at my table.
“'Perhaps one of the most gratifying things in nature, far beyond any
thing hitherto conveyed by landscape or historical painting, is to
behold my guests in silence sip their wine. As the glass is held up, the
eye and the orient liquor reciprocally sparkle; its bouquet expands the
nostrils, elevates the eyebrow to admiration, and composes the lips to
a smile. When its crystal receptacle, which is as thin as Indian paper,
(for observe, to use a thick wine-glass is to drink with a gag in your
mouth) touches the lips, they become comprest, to allow the thinnest
possible stream to enter, that its flavour be thoroughly ascertained,
and that successive perceptions of palateable flavour may terminate in
the gulph of ecstacy.
“'I am fully aware that the pleasures of the table cannot be indulged
without some hazard to the constitution; it is therefore the business
of my serious reflections to counteract the invasions of disease, and
provide timely remedies for its attack. A gold box is always placed on
the table with the desert, containing a store of pills, which are of
a very moving quality and speedy operation, called “Peristaltic
persuaders.” In an adjoining room, there is a basin, as large as an
ordinary washing-tub, with a copper of chamomile-tea; and a cupper is
engaged to be in constant attendance till the guests depart.
“'Gentlemen, I once became a member of a fashionable dinner-club,
managed by a superintending committee, who purchased their own wine,
and engaged a culinary artist of established reputation. This club was a
diversified assemblage, consisting of some sprigs of the nobility and
a few old standards; several members of Parliament, who became very
troublesome by repeating the speeches that had been uttered in the
house, and were, besides, always attempting to reform the club. But this
was less offensive to me than others, as I make it a ~~426~~~ rule never
to attend to conversation unless it relates to improvements in cookery.
The remainder of our club was composed of a few hungry querulous
lawyers, two or three doctors, who had increased the means of gratifying
their appetites by destroying the digestive faculties of their patients.
There is nothing permanent in the world; therefore, in about two years,
the club dwindled away; a set of rascally economists complained of
expense; the cook, a very honest man and skilful professor, was
accused of peculation by the reformers, and turned adrift for modestly
demonstrating that he could not make turtle out of tripe, nor convert
sprats into red mullet. Several members moved off without paying
their arrears. The managing committee disposed of the premises, plate,
furniture, and wines, and pocketed the money; and thus the club was
dissolved.'
“It was on this occasion that the Doctor proposed his celebrated
'committee of taste,' with the proceedings of which I shall, perhaps,
have occasion, at some future time, to make you acquainted.”
Gayfield's humorous epistle amused the party much, and Bob felt
complimented by the attention paid to the finish of his studies of
Metropolitan Life and Manners. The fine appearance of the morning
determined them on a stroll through the leading thoroughfares, as it
would afford Tallyho the opportunity of completing such purchases as
were necessary prior to his departure for the country. In passing
Covent Garden, their attention was attracted by a numerous and grotesque
assemblage, in which they soon mixed, and were highly diverted by the
following whimsical exhibition, displaying the astonishing sagacity and
feelings of the monkey species. An itinerant showman, who for some time
past exhibited two dancing monkeys about the town, had pitched his stage
in a part of the Market. When his poles and cords were fixed, and the
monkeys in their full dress were about to commence, the celebrated
flying pieman came by with his basket, and, having furnished himself
with a bottle of gin, he leaped upon the stage, and treated the showman
and one of the monkeys with a glass each; the other monkey however
declined taking any, and was leaping about to avoid it; but the pieman
served out the second glass, and the former monkey took his with
apparent gladness. The pieman again seized the monkey ~~427~~~ who
declined it before, but he still scorned to take any. The by-standers
called out to the pieman to throw it at him, and the pieman flung it
in his face. Instantly, the monkey who drank the gin, and who was half
drunk by this time, to resent the injury, sprang upon the pieman, seized
him by the arm, and would have torn that piece of the flesh entirely
out, only for its master, who with much difficulty made him relinquish
his hold. The pieman was dangerously wounded, and was carried to a
doctor's shop to get his arm dressed.
Passing on, the next object of attention was the Police office, Bow
Street. Here the party determined to rest for a short time, and after
listening to several uninteresting cases relating to hackney coach
fares, they were at length rewarded for their lost time and patience,
by a case, in which the tables were completely turned upon Mr. Jehu, and
which we hope will act as a caution to others of the profession who have
a taste for swearing and abuse.
CHAPTER XXXIV
In cities, foul example on most minds
Begets its likeness. Rank abundance breeds
In gross and pamper'd cities sloth and lust,
And wantonness and gluttonous excess.
In cities, vice is hidden with more ease,
Or seen with least reproach; and virtue, taught
By frequent lapse, can hope no triumph there
Beyond th' achievement of successful flight.
I do confess them nurs'ries of the arts,
In which they flourish most; where, in the beams
Of warm encouragement, and in the eye
Of public note, they reach their perfect size.
Such London is, by taste and wealth proclaim'd
The fairest capital of all the world;
By riot and incontinence the worst.
~~428~~~
The arrival of the day for separation was anticipated, and the morning
arose upon Dashall with a gloomy aspect, originating in the temper of
his mind; for he was by no means pleased with the adventure of Laconic,
which operated to prevent his departure with his friends. Sparkle and
Tallyho were, however, upon the alert, and determined on pursuing their
original intentions. Tom had none of his usual vivacity about him.
In vain he tried to muster up his spirits, his attempts at wit were
pointless and did not escape the notice of Sparkle, who secretly enjoyed
his chagrin, feeling assured that as it was created by their departure,
he would not delay joining them longer than necessity absolutely
required. “Why how now, Tom,” said Sparkle, “you are out, and seem to be
in queer stirrups, as if you had an uneasy saddle. You seem to part
with your cousin as a young man would with the beloved of his heart.” “I
confess I am disappointed,” replied Tom.
“But since grieving's a folly,
Why let us be jolly.”
~~429~~~ “I am determined to spend the last moments with you--so start
off the rattle traps, the upper toggery's and travelling caps, we will
take a last turn together, and a parting dinner and glass of wine at
the Bull and Mouth, and I'll warrant you I won't be long behind. All I
regret is, I can't accompany you at present.” Upon this intimation, the
remainder of their luggage and clothing were despatched by a servant,
with an order to provide a good dinner for them at half past five.
Things were now all m a fair train, and this business being despatched,
all was anxiety for the arrival of the moment, though with different
sensations; Sparkle to meet his wife, Bob to return to his native home,
and Tom displeased and disappointed in every way, although he determined
to be as agreeable as he could under existing circumstances. Time
however being heavy on their hands, but as Bob was anxious to make a few
more purchases for presents on his return home, they started early for
the Bull and Mouth.
“You have now,” said Dashall to his cousin, “had some experience in REAL
LIFE IN LONDON, and I have reason to think you will not return to the
country a worse man than you left it. Variety is charming, and the
change from one to the other will give additional zest and pleasure.”
“I have reason,” replied Bob, “to feel myself under a very particular
obligation to you for the excellent care, kindness and attention, as
well as information I have derived, and it cannot easily be obliterated
from my recollection; but I at the same time must observe, that I have
no very great relish for London as a continual residence. When you
arrive in the country I will try if I cannot be as explanatory and
amusing. At all events I expect you will give me the trial.
“I'll give you a chevy over the hills, a pop at the pheasants, and a
pick at them afterwards; besides which, you know, we have some very
pretty lasses in our neighbourhood, to whom you have already been
introduced, and to whom you shall be better known.”
“I know, I know,” said Tom, in a hurried manner, which strongly
indicated some other motive for regret than that which arose from mere
disappointment at not being a partner in their journey, and from which
Sparkle did not fail to draw an inference, that some roguish eyes had
been darting their beams into the bosom of his friend.
~~430~~~ “I see how it is now,” cried Sparkle, “Tom is not cut but
caught, and I'll sport a fifty, that the Evergreen Tom Dashall, of
London, will be transplanted to entwine with some virgin blossom of the
country, before another twelve months.”
Tom was silent.
Tallyho smiled in accordance with the sentiment of Sparkle, and declared
he would not take the bet.
“It's of very little use,” cried Dashall, recovering himself after a