Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
short pause, “I may as well make a merit of necessity. I confess I
have a sort of a liking for the gay and sprightly Lydia Forcetext, the
parson's daughter; and if--but curse if's--I hate if, I wish there was
no such word in the English language.”
“Ha, ha, ha!” exclaimed Sparkle, “I thought we should find you out--but
come, I think I may say there is not much for you to fear--if you are
but serious.”
“It is a serious subject, and if we continue, this conversation I shall
grow downright sentimental--so no more at present--we have not much time
to spare--and as I mean to make use of every minute, let us look around
for any novelty that may occur before your departure.”
“Well,” said Sparkle, “I must say I do not know of any thing so new to
me as the very subject we were upon--but as you wish it dropped--why
e'en let it be so--I have no desire to be either particular or
personal.”
And as London's the object we've long had in view,
As long as we can, we'll that object pursue.
And as visions we know have been for an old grudge meant,
We'll make ours a view--not a vision of--judgment.
“Good,” said Tom, “and as the lines are extemporaneous we will not be
over-nice in the criticism.”
“At least,” continued Sparkle, “you will admit it is better to be a bad
poet--than a bad man.”
“Agreed--agreed,” replied Tom.--“But who in the name of wonder have
we here--the emperor of hair-dressers and head-cutters turned
print-seller--Why, this was Money's, where I have, before now, had a
clip.”
~~431~~~ “Nay, nay,” said Sparkle, “don't be in a hurry to form your
judgment--his ingenuity is at work, and really it will be worth while
to have a cut all round; for I find he gives a portrait, displaying
the most fashionable Parisian dresses to every customer. Some you
know present bank, or, more properly speaking, flush notes upon these
occasions; but certainly this is a less exceptionable plan.--What say
you?”
“With all my heart:” and into the _Magazin de Mode_ they marched; to
which they were welcomed by the artist himself--ushered up stairs
with all due politeness, and in two minutes Sparkle was under his
incomparable hands, while Tom and Bob amused themselves with a peep at
the newspapers and the Gazette of Fashion.
“Fine morning, gentlemen,” said the friseur.
“Is there any news?” asked Sparkle.
“We have the Paris papers, Sir, regularly, and a constant supply of
drawings of the newest fashion.”
“I am more for domestic or home news,” continued Sparkle.
“Not aware, Sir, of any thing particular--oh, yes; I recollect I was
told last night, over at the Haunch, that the mermaid is discovered.”
“What,” said Tom, “discover a mermaid over a haunch!” laying down the
paper.
“Beg pardon, Sir, beg pardon, a trifling mistake, Sir--nothing more--I
usually pass a recreative hour, after my daily studies, at the Haunch
of Venison, over the way: the landlord is an intelligent, accommodating,
and agreeable sort of man, and we have many gentlemen of considerable
consequence, both literary and scientific, who meet there of an evening
to pass a convivial hour--to hear and impart the news; and, Sir, as I
was saying, the mermaid is stated to be a fine hoax upon the credulity
of John Bull, being nothing more than the body or skin of a smoke-dried
old woman, ingeniously connected with the tail of a fish. I don't vouch
for the truth of the report, I only state what I hear, and can only
assert with confidence what I am acquainted with in my own business.”
“I suspected the mermaid from the first,” answered Tom, “I thought there
was some deceit in it.”
“There is a great deal of deceit in the world, Sir,” replied the active
clipper.--“A little Circassian cream, Sir--acknowledged to be the best
article ever produced for the preservation and restoration of hair.”
“Certainly,” said Sparkle.
~~432~~~ In this way our friends obtained a portion of amusement, and
a Corinthian clip from the intelligent and communicative Mr. Money, of
Fleet Street notoriety, in return for which he touched their coin.
“Now,” said Dashall, “we will make the best of our way and just call,
by way of taking a lunch, among the lads of Newgate Market. There is
a house where I have been before, in which we can have some very
fine home-brewed ale, &c; and besides, according to the landlord's
advertisements, he has opened an academy, and gives instruction in
the art of brewing. The College of Physicians is just opposite, and I
suppose this wag of a landlord has taken the hint, and opposed his beer
to their physic--perhaps you may wish to carry his valuable receipt into
the country with you?”
“I have no inclination to turn brewer,” replied Sparkle, “but I
must confess I like the idea of a little genuine beer--free from the
poisonous ingredients of the public brewer.”
“And so do I,” continued Tallyho. “Come along, then,” said Tom, “the
Bell in Warwick Lane is the shop, where you may be served to a shaving.”
In passing along Warwick Lane, Bob observed he thought his friend was
leading him through a not very agreeable neighbourhood.
“This place is filled with slaughter-houses, and is to be sure a great
nuisance to the City; yet such places are necessary, therefore bear up
a few minutes, and you will have comfortable house-room and agreeable
refreshment.” Entering the Bell, they were met by the landlord of the
house, a round-faced, good-natured, real John-Bull-looking man,
who knowing his customer Dashall, immediately ushered them into the
coffee-room, where being supplied with stout and mutton-chops in high
perfection, they enjoyed themselves with their regale. This done, they
had an opportunity of looking about them.
In one corner sat two or three tip-top salesmen of the market,
conversing on the price of meat, while they were devouring a succession
of rump-steaks with most voracious and insatiable appetites. In another
was a hungry author, bargaining with a bookseller of Paternoster Row,
for the sale of a manuscript, by which he expected to realise a dinner.
While near them was an undertaker and a master-builder, vociferating at
each other for interference ~~433~~~ with their respective trades, and
so far attracting the attention of the bookseller from the work of the
author, that he wished, from the bottom of his heart, “that one would
build a coffin to bury the other:” while the salesmen laughed so loud at
the observations of the controversialists, as almost to make them wish
the subject dead without the hope of resurrection.
Bob liked the stout--ordered a replenish, and asked the landlord to
partake.
“With all my heart--gentlemen--good health--real malt and hops,
gentlemen--nothing else--all brewed under my own eye--good ordinary at
two--excellent fare--good treatment--comfortable beds--happy to see you
at all times at the Bell brewery.”
Having proceeded on their journey they shortly found themselves near
Bull and Mouth Street.
On their way to the Bull and Mouth, Sparkle made a proposal, which was
cordially acquiesced in by Dashall and his cousin, and a mutual pledge
was given to carry it into effect: this was no other than an agreement
to take a trip over to Dublin in the course of the ensuing winter, in
order to acquire some knowledge of LIFE IN IRELAND.
“I have lately,” said Sparkle, “been almost convulsed with laughter,
even to the danger of a locked-jaw, by the perusal of a work under
this title. The author, nephew to a late Irish chancellor, is an old
acquaintance; added to which, and the genuine irresistible humour that
runs throughout the work, I feel determined to visit, and have ocular
demonstration of some of the places where these scenes of humour are so
admirably described.”
On entering Bull and Mouth Street--“Bless me,” cried Bob, “this is a
very confined street for such an inn.”
“Hoy,” cried a coachman, rattling along the street in double quick time.
“By your leave,” bawled a porter with a heavy chest on his back.
“We shall certainly either be knocked down, or run over,” exclaimed
Tallyho.
“Never fear,” said Tom, “do but keep your ogles in action, all's right
enough, and we shall soon be safely housed out of the bustle; but before
we enter the house we will just cast our eyes about us. On the right,
after passing the gate, is the coach-offices for receiving, booking,
~~434~~~ and delivering parcels, and taking places for passengers by the
various vehicles which start from this place. On the left is the hotel
and coffee-house, where every refreshment and accommodation may be
obtained. The remaining part of the building, together with several
others adjoining, which almost occupy the whole of this side of
the street, are devoted to stables, waggon and coach-houses, and
out-offices.”
“It is an extensive concern then,” said Tallyho, “though it stands in
such an out of the way obscure situation.”
“Why you are already aware that situation is not absolutely necessary
to success in all cases in London,” was the reply. “The extensive
circulation of a name or a sign are sometimes sufficient to obtain
business;--and who has not heard of the Bull and Mouth, or the name of
Willan--from the former runs a considerable number of long stages and
mail coaches, daily and nightly, the proprietor being a contractor with
Government; and upon one occasion it is said, he was in treaty to supply
an immense quantity of horses to convey troops to the coast, on the
threatened invasion by Buonaparte, so that the epithet patriotic might
properly be applied to him. He however is lately deceased, and supposed
to have left a considerable fortune.--But come, dinner is ready--now for
the parting meal, and then heaven speed ye to your destined homes.”
After partaking of a hearty dinner, and a bottle or two of generous
wine--“Come,” said Dashall, “it is time we are alive and look out, for
the yard is all in a bustle; here are lots of coaches preparing for a
start, so let us get out, look around, and see what is going forward.”
Upon this intimation, they sallied forth to the yard, where the
confusion created by the arrival of one coach heavily laden, and
the preparation of two for departure, afforded a scene for a quiet
contemplatist, which however it is not easy to describe.
“Coachman,” said an antiquated lady, just alighting, “I paid my fare.”
“Yes Ma'am, that's all fair,” said coachy.
“Mind how you hand my dear little boy out of the coach, poor little
fellow he is quite dizzy with riding.”
~~435~~~ “I thinks as how you had better have brought a man with you,
for you want taking care of yourself,” grumbled coachy, as he handed the
young one out.--“There he is Ma'am--stand upon your pins, my man.”
“Come Charley--Oh coachy you have got my box in your boot.”
“Aye, aye, Ma'am, I know it, I wish my boot was in your box--here it is
Ma'am.”
“Stand bye,” said a Jack Tar, “let's have a little sea room, and no
squalls.”
“Coachy, what a rude fellow that is, he says I squalls.”
“Never mind him, Ma'am, he is as rough as the element he belongs
to--thank ye Ma'am--that's the time o' day,” pocketing a half-crown
which she had just given him.
“Here Bill, take this lady's luggage out of the way.”
“Just going off, Sir--do you go by me?”
“Yes,” replied Sparkle, “how many have you inside?”
“Only four, Sir, and you two make up the number--all ready--Jem, bear up
the leaders.”
At this moment a hackney coach stopped at the gate, and out jumps a
gentleman who immediately entered into conversation with the coachman.
“Can't do it, Sir,” said coachy,--“all full--I might manage to give you
an outside passage to be sure.”
“Well, well, I will make that do, perhaps you can afford an inside birth
part of the journey.”