Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
Coronation splendour, 390.
Chapter XXV.
Fancy sports, 392. Road to a fight, 393. New sentimental
journey, 394. Travelling chaff, 395. Humours of the road,
396. Lads of the fancy, 397. Centre of attraction, 398. A
force march, 399. Getting to work, 400. True game, 401. The
sublime and beautiful, 402. All's well-good night, 403.
Chapter XXVI.
Promenading reflections, 404. Anticipation, 405. Preliminary
observations, 406. Characters in masquerade, 407. Irish
sympathy, 408. Whimsicalities of character, 409. Masquerade
characters, 410. The watchman, 411. New characters, 412. The
sport alive, 413. Multifarious amusements, 414. Doctors
disagree, 415. Israelitish honesty, 416.
Chapter XXVII.
Ideal enjoyments, 417. A glance at new objects, 418. Street-
walking nuisances, 419. Cries of London-Mud-larks, etc.,
420. The Monument, 421. London Stone, 422. General Post-
Office, 423. Preparations for returning, 424. So endeth the
volume, 425.
LIST OF THE PLATES
The Principal Characters presented to Public Exhibition
throughout Real Life in London Frontispiece.
Illustrated Title Page.
Hyde Park 16
Epsom Races 44
Fives Court 71
LEVEE, Carlton House 79
Tom and Bob catching a Charley napping 92
Theatre 130
Lobby at Drury Lane 138
Tattersall's 160
Modern Hell 196
Exhibition, Somerset House 240
Road to a Fight (Plate 1.) 286
Billingsgate 298
Political Dinner 385
Charley's Theatre 387
Coronation 390
Road to a Fight (Plate 2.) 398
Private Turn-up 402
Masquerade 410
REAL LIFE IN LONDON
CHAPTER I
Triumphant returning at night with the spoil,
Like Bachanals, shouting and gay:
How sweet with a bottle and song to refresh,
And lose the fatigues of the day.
With sport, wit, and wine, fickle fortune defy,
Dull 'wisdom all happiness sours;
Since Life is no more than a passage at best,
Let's strew the way over with flowers.
~1~~“THEY order these things better in London,” replied the Hon. Tom
Dashall, to an old weather-beaten sportsman, who would fain have made a
convert of our London _Sprig of Fashion_ to the sports and delights of
rural life. The party were regaling themselves after the dangers and
fatigues of a very hard day's fox-chace; and, while the sparkling glass
circulated, each, anxious to impress on the minds of the company the
value of the exploits and amusements in which he felt most delight,
became more animated and boisterous in his oratory--forgetting that
excellent regulation which forms an article in some of the rules and
orders of our “_Free and Easies_” in London, “that no more than three
gentlemen shall be allowed to speak at the same time.” The whole party,
consisting of fourteen, like a pack in full cry, had, with the kind
assistance of the “rosy god,” become at the same moment most animated,
not to say vociferous, orators. The young squire, Bob Tally ho, (as he
was called) of Belville Hall, who had recently come into possession of
this fine and extensive domain, was far from feeling indifferent to the
pleasures of a sporting life, and, in the chace, had even acquired the
reputation of being a “keen sportsman:” but the regular intercourse
which took place between him and his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, of
Bond Street notoriety, had in ~2~~some measure led to an indecision
of character, and often when perusing the lively and fascinating
descriptions which the latter drew of the passing scenes in the
gay metropolis, Bob would break out into an involuntary exclamation
of--“Curse me, but after all, this only is Real Life; “--while, for the
moment, horses, dogs, and gun, with the whole paraphernalia of
sporting, were annihilated. Indeed, to do justice to his elegant
and highly-finished friend, these pictures were the production of a
master-hand, and might have made a dangerous impression on minds
more stoical and determined than that of Bob's. The opera, theatres,
fashionable pursuits, characters, objects, &c. all became in succession
the subjects of his pen; and if lively description, blended with
irresistible humour and sarcastic wit, possessed any power of seduction,
these certainly belonged to Bob's honourable friend and relative, as an
epistolary correspondent. The following Stanzas were often recited by
him with great feeling and animation:--
Parent of Pleasure and of many a groan,
I should be loath to part with thee, I own,
Dear Life!
To tell the truth, I'd rather lose a _wife_,
Should Heav'n e'er deem me worthy of possessing
That best, that most invaluable blessing.
I thank thee, that thou brought'st me into being;
The things of this our world are well worth seeing;
And let me add, moreover, well worth feeling;
Then what the Devil would people have?
These gloomy hunters of the grave,
For ever sighing, groaning, canting, kneeling.
Some wish they never had been born, how odd!
To see the handy works of God,
In sun and moon, and starry sky;
Though last, not least, to see sweet Woman's charms,--
Nay, more, to clasp them in our arms,
And pour the soul in love's delicious sigh,
Is well worth coming for, I'm sure,
Supposing that thou gav'st us nothing more.
Yet, thus surrounded, Life, dear Life, I'm thine,
And, could I always call thee mine,
I would not quickly bid this world farewell;
But whether here, or long or short my stay,
I'll keep in mind for ev'ry day
An old French motto, “_Vive la bagatelle!_”
Misfortunes are this lottery-world's sad blanks;
Presents, in my opinion, not worth thanks.
The pleasures are the twenty thousand prizes,
Which nothing but a _downright ass_ despises.
It was not, however, the mere representations of Bob's friend, with
which, (in consequence of the important result,) we commenced our
chapter, that produced the powerful effect of fixing the wavering mind
of Bob--No, it was the air--the manner--the _je ne sais quoi_, by which
these representations were accompanied: the curled lip of contempt, and
the eye, measuring as he spoke, from top to toe, his companions, with
the cool elegant sang froid and self-possession displayed in his own
person and manner, which became a _fiat_ with Bob, and which effected
the object so long courted by his cousin.
After the manner of Yorick (though, by the bye, no sentimentalist) Bob
thus reasoned with himself:--“If an acquaintance with London is to give
a man these airs of superiority--this ascendancy--elegance of manners,
and command of enjoyments--why, London for me; and if pleasure is the
game in view, there will I instantly pursue the sport.”
The song and toast, in unison with the sparkling glass, followed each
other in rapid succession. During which, our elegant London visitor
favoured the company with the following effusion, sung in a style equal
to (though unaccompanied with the affected airs and self-importance of)
a first-rate professor:--
SONG.
If to form and distinction, in town you would bow,
Let appearance of wealth be your care:
If your friends see you live, not a creature cares how,
The question will only be, Where?
A circus, a polygon, crescent, or place,
With ideas of magnificence tally;
Squares are common, streets queer, but a lane's a disgrace;
And we've no such thing as an alley.
A first floor's pretty well, and a parlour so so;
But, pray, who can give themselves airs,
Or mix with high folks, if so vulgarly low
To live up in a two pair of stairs?
The garret, excuse me, I mean attic floor,
(That's the name, and it's right you should know it,)
Would he tenantless often; but genius will soar,
And it does very well for a poet.
These amusements of the table were succeeded by a most stormy and
lengthened debate, (to use a parliamentary phrase) during which, Bob's
London friend had with daring heroism opposed the whole of the party,
in supporting the superiority of Life in London over every pleasure
the country could afford. After copious libations to Bacchus, whose
influence at length effected what oratory had in vain essayed, and
silenced these contending and jarring elements, “grey-eyed Morn” peeped
intrusively amid the jovial crew, and Somnus, (with the cart before the
horse) stepping softly on tip-toe after his companion, led, if not by,
at least accompanied with, the music of the nose, each to his snoring
pillow.
----“Glorious resolve!” exclaimed Tom, as soon as his friend had next
morning intimated his intention,--“nobly resolved indeed!--“What! shall
he whom Nature has formed to shine in the dance and sparkle in the
ring--to fascinate the fair--lead and control the fashions--attract the
gaze and admiration of the surrounding crowd!--shall he pass a life, or
rather a torpid existence, amid country bumpkins and Johnny-raws? Forbid
it all ye powers that rule with despotic sway where Life alone is to
be found,--forbid it cards--dice--balls--fashion, and ye gay et
coteras,--forbid”----“Pon my soul,” interrupted Bob, “you have
frightened me to death! I thought you were beginning an Epic,--a thing
I abominate of all others. I had rather at any time follow the pack on
a foundered horse than read ten lines of Homer; so, my dear fellow,
descend for God's sake from the Heroics.”
Calmly let me, at least, begin Life's chapter,
Not panting for a hurricane of rapture;
Calm let me step--not riotous and jumping:
With due decorum, let my heart
Try to perform a sober part,
Not at the ribs be ever bumping--bumping.
Rapture's a charger--often breaks his girt,
Runs oft”, and flings his rider in the dirt.
~5~~“However, it shall be so: adieu, my dear little roan
filly,--Snow-ball, good by,--my new patent double-barrelled
percussion--ah, I give you all up!--Order the tandem, my dear Tom,
whenever you please; whisk me up to the fairy scenes you have so often
and admirably described; and, above all things, take me as an humble and
docile pupil under your august auspices and tuition.” Says Tom, “thou
reasonest well.”
The rapidity with which great characters execute their determinations
has been often remarked by authors. The dashing tandem, with its
beautiful high-bred bits of blood, accompanied by two grooms on
horsebaek in splendid liveries, stood at the lodge-gate, and our heroes
had only to bid adieu to relatives and friends, and commence their rapid
career.
Before we start on this long journey of one hundred and eighty miles,
with the celerity which is unavoidable in modern travelling, it may be
prudent to ascertain that our readers are still in company, and that we
all start fairly together; otherwise, there is but little probability
of our ever meeting again on the journey;--so now to satisfy queries,