Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
other, parsons, lawyers, apothecaries, projectors, excisemen, organists,
picture-sellers, bear and monkey-leaders, fiddlers and bailiffs. The
barber and the chimney-sweeper were however always observed to be
careful in avoiding the touch of each other, as if contamination must be
the inevitable consequence.
“My dear fellow!” exclaimed a tall and well-dressed person, who dragged
the Honourable Tom Dashall on one side--“you are the very person I
wanted--I'm very glad to see you in town again--but I have not a moment
to spare--the blood-hounds are in pursuit--this term will be ended
in two days, then comes the long vacation--liberty without hiring
a horse--you understand--was devilishly afraid of being nabb'd just
now--should have been dished if I had--lend me five shillings--come,
make haste.”
“Five shillings, Diddler, when am I to be paid? you remember--' When I
grow rich' was the reply.”
“Know--yes, I know all about it--but no matter, I'm not going to settle
accounts just now, so don't detain me, I hate Debtor and Creditor.
Fine sport to-morrow, eh--shall be at the Ring--in cog.--take no
notice--disguised as a Quaker--Obadiah Lankloaks--d----d large beaver
hat, and hide my physog.--Lend me what silver you have, and be quick
about it, for I can't stay--thank you, you're a d----a good fellow,
Tom, a trump--shall now pop into a hack, and drive into another
county--thank ye--good day--by by.”
During this harangue, while Tost was counting his silver, the ingenious
Mr. Diddler seized all he had, and whipping it speedily into his pocket,
in a few minutes was out of his sight.
Sparkle observing Dashall looking earnestly after Diddler, approached,
and giving him a lusty slap on the shoulder--“Ha! ha! ha!” exclaimed he,
“what are you done again?”
“I suppose so,” said Dashall; “confound the fellow, he is always
borrowing: I never met him in my life but ~100~~he had some immediate
necessity or other to require a loan of a little temporary supply, as he
calls it.”
“I wonder,” said Sparkle, “that you are so ready to lend, after such
frequent experience--how much does he owe you?”
“Heaven only knows,” continued Tom, “for I do not keep account against
him, I must even trust to his honour--so it is useless to stand here
losing our time--Come, let us forward.”
“With all my heart,”, said Sparkle, “and with permission I propose a
visit to the Bonassus, a peep at St. Paul's, and a chop at Dolly's.”
This proposition being highly approved of, they continued their
walk along the Strand, towards Temple Bar, and in a few minutes were
attracted by the appearance of men dressed in the garb of the Yeomen of
the Guards, who appeared active in the distribution of hand-bills, and
surrounded a house on the front of which appeared a long string of high
and distinguished names, as patrons and patronesses of the celebrated
animal called the Bonassus. Crossing the road in their approach to
the door, Tallyho could not help admiring the simple elegance of a
shop-front belonging to a grocer, whose name is Peck.
“Very handsome and tasty, indeed,” replied Sparkle; “that combination of
marble and brass has a light and elegant effect: it has no appearance of
being laboured at. The inhabitant of the house I believe is a foreigner,
I think an Italian; but London boasts of some of the most elegant shops
in the world.” And by this time they entered the opposite house.
CHAPTER IX
“In London my life is a ring of delight,
In frolics I keep up the day and the night;
I snooze at the Hummums till twelve, perhaps later,
I rattle the bell, and I roar up the Waiter;
'Your Honour,' says he, and he makes me a leg;
He brings me my tea, but I swallow an egg;
For tea in a morning's a slop I renounce,
So I down with a glass of good right cherry-bounce.
With--swearing, tearing--ranting, jaunting--slashing,
smashing--smacking, cracking--rumbling, tumbling
--laughing, quaffing--smoking, joking--swaggering,
Staggering:
So thoughtless, so knowing, so green and so mellow,
This, this is the life of a frolicsome fellow.”
~101~~UPON entering the house, and depositing their shilling each to
view this newly discovered animal from the Apalachian mountains of
America, and being supplied with immense long bills descriptive of his
form and powers--“Come along (said Sparkle,) let us have a look at the
most wonderful production of nature--only seventeen months old, five
feet ten inches high, and one of the most fashionable fellows in the
metropolis.”
“It should seem so,” said Tallyho, “by the long list of friends and
visitors that are detailed in the commencement of the bill of fare.”
“Perhaps,” said Tom, “there are more Bon asses than one.”
“Very likely (continued Sparkle;) but let me tell you the allusion in
this case does not apply, for this animal has nothing of the donkey
about him, and makes no noise, as you will infer from the following
lines in the Bill:
“As the Bonassus does not roar,
His fame is widely known,
For no dumb animal before
Has made such noise in town.”
~102~~At this moment the barking of a dog assailed their ears, and
suspended the conversation. Passing onward to the den of the Bonassus,
they found a dark-featured gentleman of middling stature, with his hair,
whiskers, and ears, so bewhitened with powder as to form a complete
contrast with his complexion and a black silk handkerchief which he wore
round his neck, holding a large brown-coloured dog by the collar, in
order to prevent annoyance to the visitors.
“D----n the dog, (exclaimed he) although he is the best tempered
creature in the world, he don't seem to like the appearance of the
Bonassus “--and espying Sparkle, “Ha, my dear fellow! how are you?--I
have not seen you for a long while.”
“Why, Sir D--n--ll, I am happy to say I never was better in my
life--allow me to introduce you to my two friends, the Hon. Mr. Dashall,
and Robert Tallyho--Sir D--n--ll Harlequin.”
The mutual accompaniments of such an introduction having passed among
them, the Knight, who was upon the moment of departure as they entered,
expressed his approbation of the animal he had been viewing, and,
lugging his puppy by one hand, and his cudgel in the other, wished them
a good morning.
“There is an eccentric man of Title,” continued Sparkle.
“I should judge,” said Bob, “there was a considerable portion of
eccentricity about him, by his appearance. Is he a Baronet?”
“A Baronet,” (replied Sparkle) “no, no, he is no other than a _Quack
Doctor_.”{1}
1 Of all the subjects that afford opportunities for the
satiric pen in the Metropolis, perhaps there is none more
abundant or prolific than that of Quackery. Dr. Johnson
observes, that “_cheats can seldom stand long against
laughter_.” But if a judgment is really to be formed from
existing facts, it may be supposed that times are so
materially changed since the residence of that able writer
in this sublunary sphere, that the reverse of the position
may with greater propriety be asserted. For such is the
prevailing practice of the present day, that, according to
the opinion of thousands, there is nothing to be done
without a vast deal more of profession and pretence than
actual power, and he who is the best able to bear laughing
at, is the most likely to realize the hopes he entertains of
obtaining celebrity, and of having his labours crowned with
success. Nothing can be more evident than this in the
Medical profession, though there are successful Quacks of
all kinds, and in all situations, to be found in London.
This may truly be called the age of Quackery, from the
abundance of impostors of every kind that prey upon society;
and such as cannot or will not think for themselves, ought
to be guarded in a publication of this nature, against the
fraudulent acts of those persons who make it their business
and profit to deteriorate the health, morals, and amusements
of the public. But, in the present instance, we are speaking
of the Medical Quack only, than which perhaps there is none
more remarkable.
The race of Bossys, Brodrums, Solomons, Perkins, Chamants,
&c. is filled by others of equal notoriety, and no doubt of
equal utility. The Cerfs, the Curries, the Lamerts, the
Ruspinis, the Coopers, and Munroes, are all equally entitled
to public approbation, particularly if we may credit the
letters from the various persons who authenticate the
miraculous cures they have performed in the most inveterate,
we hail almost said, the most impossible, cases. If those
persons are really in existence (and who can doubt it?) they
certainly have occasion to be thankful for their escapes,
and we congratulate them; for in our estimation Quack
Doctors seem to consider the human frame merely as a subject
for experiments, which if successful will secure the
reputation of the practitioner. The acquisition of fame and
fortune is, in the estimation of these philosophers, cheaply
purchased by sacrificing the lives of a few of the vulgar,
to whom they prescribe gratis; and the slavish obedience of
some patients to the Doctor, is really astonishing. It is
said that a convalescent at Bath wrote to his Physician in
London, to know whether he might eat sauce with his pork;
but we have not been able to discover whether he expected an
answer gratis; that would perhaps have been an experiment
not altogether grateful to the Doctor's feelings.
The practice of advertising and billing the town has become
so common, that a man scarcely opens a coal-shed, or a
potatoe-stall, without giving due notice of it in the
newspapers, and distributing hand-bills: and frequently with
great success. But our Doctors, who make no show of their
commodities, have no mode of making themselves known without
it. Hence the quantity of bills thrust into the hand of the
passenger through the streets of London, which divulge the
almost incredible performances of their publishers. A high-
sounding name, such as The Chevalier de diamant, the
Chevalier de Ruspini, or The Medical Board, well bored behind
and before, are perhaps more necessary, with a few paper
puffs--as “palpable hits, my Lord,” than either skill or
practice, to obtain notice and secure fame.
The Chevalier de Chamant, who was originally a box-maker,
and a man of genius, considering box-making a plebeian
occupation, was for deducing a logical position, not exactly
perhaps by fair argument, but at all events through the
teeth, and was determined, although he could not, like Dr.
Pangloss, mend the cacology of his friends, at least to give
them an opportunity for plenty of jaw-work. With this
laudable object in view, he obtained a patent for making
artificial teeth of mineral paste; and in his advertisements
condescended not to prove their utility as substitutes for
the real teeth, when decayed or wanting, (this was beneath
his notice, and would have been a piece of mere plebeian
Quackery unworthy of his great genius,) but absolutely
assured the world that his mineral teeth were infinitely
superior to any production of nature, both for mastication
and beauty! How this was relished we know not; but he
declared (and he certainly ought to know) that none but
silly and timid persons would hesitate for one moment to