Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
little Devil, inflated with gas, has suggested a plan for
the establishment of a Medical Assurance-office, where
person and property might be insured at so much per annum,
and the advantages to be derived from such an Institution
would be, that instead of the insurance increasing with
years, it would grow less and less. How many thousand
grateful patients would it relieve annually! but we fear it
would be a daily source of sorrow to these knightly
medicals, and would by them be considered a devilish hard
case.
But hush, here is other company, and I will give you an account of him
as we go along.”
They now attended the Keeper, who explained the age, height, weight,
species, size, power, and propensities of the animal, and then departed
on their road towards Temple Bar,--on passing through which, they were
overtaken again by Sir Francis, in a gig drawn by a dun-coloured
horse, with his puppy between his legs, and a servant by his side, and
immediately renewed the previous conversation.
“There he goes again,” said Sparkle, “and a rare fellow he is too.”
“I should think so,” said Bob; “he must have quacked to some good
purpose, to obtain the honour of knighthood.”
~108~~“Not positively that,” continued Sparkle; “for to obtain and to
deserve are not synonymous, and, if report say true, there is not much
honour attached to his obtaining it.
“----In the modesty of fearful duty,
I read as much as from the rattling tongue
Of saucy and audacious eloquence:
Love, therefore, and tongue-tied simplicity,
At least speak most to my capacity.”
And, according to my humble conception, he who talks much about himself,
or pays others to talk or write about him, is generally most likely to
be least deserving of public patronage; for if a man possesses real and
evident abilities in any line of profession, the public will not be
long in making a discovery of its existence, and the bounty, as is most
usually the case, would quickly follow upon the heels of approbation.
But many a meritorious man in the Metropolis is pining away his
miserable existence, too proud to beg, and too honest to steal, while
others, with scarcely more brains than a sparrow, by persevering in
a determination to leave no stone unturned to make themselves appear
ridiculous, as a first step to popularity; and having once excited
attention, even though it is merely to be laughed at by the thinking
part of mankind, he finds it no great difficulty to draw the money out
of their pockets while their eyes are riveted on a contemplation of his
person or conduct. And there are not wanting instances of effrontery
that have elevated men of little or no capacity to dignified situations.
If report say true, the present Secretary of the Admiralty, who is
admirable for his poetry also, was originally a hair-dresser, residing
somewhere in Blackfriar's or Westminster-road; but then you must
recollect he was a man who knew it was useless to lose a single
opportunity; and probably such has been the case with Sir Daniel
Harlequin, who, from keeping a small shop in Wapping, making a blaze
upon the water about his Life-preserver, marrying a wife with a red
face and a full pocket, retired to a small cottage at Mile End, and
afterwards establishing a Medical Board, has got himself dubbed a
Knight. To be sure he has had a deal of puffing and blowing work to get
through in his progress, which probably accounts for his black looks,
not a little increased by the quantity of powder he wears. But what have
we here?” finding the bustle of the streets considerably increased after
passing Temple Bar.
“Some political Bookseller or other, in all probability,” said
Tom--“I'll step forward and see.” And in passing through the numerous
body of persons that crowded on every side, the whole party was
separated. Bob, who had hung a little back while his two friends rushed
forward, was lingering near the corner of the Temple: he was beckoned by
a man across the way, to whom he immediately went.
“Do you happen to want a piece of fine India silk handkerchiefs, Sir?
I have some in my pocket that I can recommend and sell cheap--for money
must be had; but only keep it to yourself, because they are smuggled
goods, of the best quality and richest pattern.” During this opening
speech, he was endeavouring to draw Tallyho under the archway of
Bell-yard, when Sparkle espying him, ran across to him, and taking him
by the arm--“Come along (said he;) and if you don't take yourself off
instantly, I'll put you in custody,” shaking his stick at the other.
All this was like Hebrew to Bob, who, for his part, really conceived the
poor fellow, as he termed him, might be in want of money, and compelled
to dispose of his article for subsistence.
“Ha, ha, ha,” cried Sparkle, “I see you know nothing about them: these
are the locusts of the town.” At this moment they were joined by the
Hon. Tom Dashall.
“Egad!” continued Sparkle, “I just saved your Cousin from being
trepanned, and sent for a soldier.”
Tallyho appeared all amazement.
“What,” cried Tom, “in the wars of Venus then, I suppose I know he has a
fancy for astronomy, and probably he was desirous of taking a peep into
Shire-lane, where he might easily find the Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars.”
“Ha! ha! ha!” replied Sparkle, “not exactly so; but I rescued him from
the hands of a Buffer,{1} who would
1 Buffers miscalled Duffers--Persons who adopt a species of
swindling which is rather difficult of detection, though it
is daily practised in London. The term Buffer takes its
derivation from a custom which at one time prevailed of
carrying Bandanas, sarsnets, French stockings, and silk of
various kinds, next the shirts of the sellers; so that upon
making a sale, they were obliged to undress in order to come
at the goods, or in other words, to strip to the skin, or
buff it; by which means they obtained the title of Buffers.
This trade (if it may be so termed) is carried on in a
genteel manner. The parties go about from house to house,
and attend public-houses, inns, and fairs, pretending to
sell smuggled goods, such as those already mentioned; and by
offering their goods for sale, they are enabled by practice
to discover the proper objects for their arts.
Buffers, or Duffers, who are not rogues in the strict sense
of the word, only offer to sell their goods to the best
advantage, and by this means evade the detection of the
police, but are equally subversive or destructive of common
honesty under a cloak or disguise; for if they can persuade
any person that the article offered is actually better or
cheaper than any other person's, they are doing no more than
every tradesman does; but then as they pay no rent or taxes
to the State, the principal objection to them lies in the
mode of operation, and an overstrained recommendation of
their goods, which are always, according to their account,
of the most superior quality; and they have a peculiar
facility of discovering the novice or the silly, to whom
walking up with a serious countenance and interesting air,
they broach the pleasing intelligence, that they have on
sale an excellent article well worth their attention, giving
a caution at the same time, that honour and secrecy must be
implicitly observed, or it may lead to unpleasantness to
both parties. By these means persons from the country are
frequently enticed into public-houses to look at their
goods; and if they do not succeed in one way, they are
almost sure in another, by having an accomplice, who will
not fail to praise the articles for sale, and propose some
gambling scheme, by which the party is plundered of his
money by passing forged Bank-notes, base silver or copper,
in the course of their dealings.
~110~~doubtless have fleeced him in good style, if he could only have
induced him to attend to his story.”
“The mob you see collected there,” said the Hon. Tom Dashalll, “is
attracted by two circumstances--Money's new Coronation Crop, just
lanched--and a broken image of a Highlander, at the door of a
snuff-shop; each of them truly important and interesting of course, the
elevation of one man, and the destruction of another. The poor Scotchman
seems dreadfully bruised, and I suppose is now under the Doctor's hands,
for he has two or three plasters on his face.”
“Yes,” continued Sparkle, “he has been out on a spree,{1} had a bit of a
turn-up, and been knock'd down.”
Upon hearing this conversation, Tallyho could not help inquiring into
the particulars.
“Why the facts are simply as follows,” continued
1 Spree--A bit of fun, or a frolicsome lark.
~111~~Sparkle--“in London, as you perceive, tradesmen are in the habit
of exhibiting signs of the business or profession in which they are
engaged. The Pawnbroker decorates his door with three gold balls--the
Barber, in some places, (though it is a practice almost out of date)
hangs out a long pole--the Gold-beater, an arm with a hammer in the
act of striking--the Chemist, a head of Glauber, or Esculapius--the
Tobacconist, a roll of tobacco, and of late it has become customary
for these venders of pulverised atoms called snuff, to station a wooden
figure of a Highlander, in the act of taking a pinch of Hardham's, or
High-dried, as a sort of inviting introduction to their counters; and
a few nights back, a Scotchman, returning from his enjoyments at a
neighbouring tavern, stopped to have a little friendly chat with this
gentleman's Highlander, and by some means or other, I suppose, a quarrel
ensued, upon which the animated young Scotchman took advantage of his
countryman--floored him, broke both his arms, and otherwise did him
considerable bodily injury, the effects of which are still visible;
and Johnny Bull, who is fond of a little gape-seed, is endeavouring to
console him under his sufferings.”
“Very kind of him, indeed,” replied Bob.
“At any rate,” said Tom, “the Tobacconist will have occasion to be
grateful to the Highlander{1} for some portion of his popularity.”
1 It is matter of astonishment to some, but not less true,
that many tradesmen in the Metropolis have to ascribe both
fame and fortune to adventitious circumstances. It is said
that Hardham, of Fleet Street, had to thank the celebrated
Comedian, Foote, who, in one of his popular characters,
introducing his snuffbox, offered a pinch to the person he
was in conversation with on the stage, who spoke well of it,
and inquired where he obtained it?--“Why, at Hardham's, to
be sure.” And to this apparently trifling circumstance,
Hardham was indebted for his fortune.
The importance of a Highlander to a snuff-shop will appear
by a perusal of the following fact:--
A very respectable young man, a Clerk in the office of an
eminent Solicitor, was recently brought before Mr. Alderman
Atkins, upon the charge of being disorderly. The prisoner,
it seemed, on his return home from a social party, where he
had been sacrificing rather too freely to the jolly god, was
struck with the appearance of a showy wooden figure of a
Highlander, at the door of Mr. Micklan's snuff-shop, No. 12,
Fleet Street. The young Attorney, who is himself a
Scotchman, must needs claim acquaintance with his
countryman. He chucked him familiarly under the chin, called
him a very pretty fellow, and, in the vehemence of his
affection, embraced him with so much violence, as to force