Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
him from his station. Mr. Micklan ran to the assistance of
his servant, and in the scuffle the unfortunate Highlander
had both his arms dislocated, the frill that adorned his
neck damaged, besides other personal injuries, which his
living countryman not being in the humour to atone for, Mr.
Micklau gave him in charge to the watchman. Before the
Magistrate in the morning, the young man appeared heartily
sick of his folly, and perfectly willing to make every
reparation, but complained of the excessive demand, which he
stated to be no less than thirteen guineas. Mr. Micklan
produced the remains of the unfortunate Highlander, who
excited a compound fracture of both arms, with a mutilation
of three or four fingers, and such other bodily wounds, as
to render his perfect recovery, so as to resume his
functions at Mr. Micklan's door, altogether hopeless. The
Highlander, the complainant stated, cost him thirteen
guineas, and was entirely new. The sum might seem large for
the young gentleman to pay for such a frolic, but it would
not compensate him for the injury he should sustain by the
absence of the figure; for, however strange it might appear,
he did not hesitate to say, that without it he should not
have more than half his business. Since he had stationed it
at his door, he had taken on an average thirty shillings a
day more than he had done previous to exhibiting his
attractions.
There being no proof of a breach of the peace, Mr. Alderman
Atkins advised the gentleman to settle the matter upon the
best terms he could. They withdrew together, and on their
return the complainant reported that the gentleman had
agreed to take the figure, and furnish him with a new one.
Mr. Alderman Atkins, in discharging the prisoner,
recommended to him to get the figure repaired, and make a
niche for him in his office, where, by using it as a proper
memorial, it would probably save him more than it cost him.
The broken figure has since been exhibited in his old
station, and excited considerable notice; but we apprehend
he is not yet able to afford all the attractions of his
occupation, for he has formerly been seen inviting his
friends to a pinch of snuff gratis, by holding a box
actually containing that recreating powder in his hand, in
the most obliging and condescending manner--a mark of
politeness and good breeding well worthy of respectful
attention.
“Come,” said Sparkle, “we are now in one of the principal thoroughfares
of the Metropolis, Fleet Street, of which you have already heard much,
and is at all times thronged with multitudes of active and industrious
persons, in pursuit of their various avocations, like a hive of bees,
and keeping up, like them, a ceaseless hum. Nor is it less a scene of
Real Life worth viewing, than the more refined haunts of the noble, the
rich, and the great, many of whom leave their splendid habitations in
the West in the morning, to attend the money-getting, ~113~~commercial
men of the City, and transact their business.--The dashing young
spendthrift, to borrow at any interest; and the more prudent, to buy or
to sell. The plodding tradesman, the ingenious mechanic, are exhausting
their time in endeavours to realize property, perhaps to be left for
the benefit of a Son, who as ardently sets about, after his Father's
decease, to get rid of it--nay, perhaps, pants for an opportunity of
doing this before he can take possession; for the young Citizen, having
lived just long enough to conceive himself superior to his father, in
violation of filial duty and natural authority, affects an aversion to
every thing that is not novel, expensive, and singular. He is a lad of
high spirit; he calls the city a poor dull prison, in which he cannot
bear to be confined; and though he may not intend to mount his nag,
stiffens his cravat, whistles a sonata, to which his whip applied to the
boot forms an accompaniment; while his spurs wage war with the flounces
of a fashionably-dressed belle, or come occasionally in painful contact
with the full-stretched stockings of a gouty old gentleman; by all
which he fancies he is keeping” up the dignity and importance of his
character. He does not slip the white kid glove from his hand without
convincing the spectator that; his hand is the whiter skin; nor
twist his fingers for the introduction of a pinch of Maccaba, without
displaying to the best advantage his beautifully chased ring and
elegantly painted snuff-box lid; nor can the hour of the day be
ascertained without discovering his engine-turned repeater, and hearing
its fascinating music: then the fanciful chain, the precious stones
in golden robes, and last of all, the family pride described in true
heraldic taste and naïveté. Of Peter Pindar's opinion, that
“Care to our coffin adds a nail,
But every grin so merry draws one out,”
he thinks it an admirable piece of politeness and true breeding to give
correct specimens of the turkey or the goose in the serious scenes of a
dramatic representation, or while witnessing her Ladyship's confusion
in a crowd of carriages combating for precedence in order to obtain
an early appearance at Court. Reading he considers quite a bore, but
attends the reading-room, which he enters, not to know what is worth
reading and add a little knowledge to his slender stock from the labours
and experience of ~114~~men of letters--no, but to quiz the cognoscenti,
and throw the incense over its learned atmosphere from his strongly
perfumed cambric handkerchief, which also implies what is most in
use for the indulgence of one of the five senses. When he enters a
coffee-room, it is not for the purpose of meeting an old friend, and to
enjoy with him a little rational conversation over his viands, but
to ask for every newspaper, and throw them aside without looking at
them--to call the Waiter loudly by his name, and shew his authority--to
contradict an unknown speaker who is in debate with others, and declare,
upon the honour of a gentleman and the veracity of a scholar, that Pope
never understood Greek, nor translated Homer with tolerable justice.
He considers it a high privilege to meet a celebrated pugilist at an
appointed place, to floor him for a quid,{1} a fall, and a high delight
to talk of it afterwards for the edification of his friends--to pick
up a Cyprian at mid-day--to stare modest women out of countenance--to
bluster at a hackney-coachman--or to upset a waterman in the river, in
order to gain the fame of a Leander, and prove himself a Hero.
“He rejects all his father's proposed arrangements for his domestic
comforts and matrimonial alliance. He wanders in his own capricious
fancy, like a fly in summer, over the fields of feminine beauty and
loveliness; yet he declares there is so much versatility and instability
about the fair sex, that they are unworthy his professions of regard;
and, perhaps, in his whole composition, there is nothing deserving of
serious notice but his good-nature. Thus you have a short sketch of a
young Citizen.”
“Upon my word, friend Sparkle, you are an admirable delineator of
Society,” said Dashall.
“My drawings are made from nature,” continued Sparkle.
“Aye, and very naturally executed too,” replied Tom. Having kept walking
on towards St. Paul's, they were by this time near the end of Shoe Lane,
at the corner of which sat an elderly woman with a basket of mackerel
for sale; and as they approached they saw several persons rush from
thence into the main street in evident alarm.
“Come up, d----n your eyes,” said an ill-favoured fellow with an
immense cudgel in his fist, driving an ass laden
1 Quid--A. Guinea.
115~~with brick-dust, with which he was belabouring him most
unmercifully. The poor beast, with an endeavour to escape if possible
the cudgelling which awaited him, made a sudden turn round the post,
rubbing his side against it as he went along, and thereby relieving
himself of his load, which he safely deposited, with a cloud of
brick-dust that almost blinded the old woman and those who were near
her, in the basket of fish. Neddy then made the best of his way towards
Fleet-market, and an over-drove bullock, which had terrified many
persons, issued almost at the same moment from Shoe Lane, and took the
direction for Temple-bar. The whistling, the hooting, the hallooing,
and the running of the drovers in pursuit--men, women, and children,
scampering to get out of the way of the infuriated beast--the noise and
rattling of carriages, the lamentations of the poor fish-fag, and the
vociferations of the donkey-driver to recover his neddy--together with a
combination of undistinguishable sounds from a variety of voices, crying
their articles for sale, or announcing their several occupations--formed
a contrast of characters, situations, and circumstances, not easily to
be described. Here, a poor half-starved and almost frightened-to-death
brat of a Chimney-sweeper, in haste to escape, had run against a lady
whose garments were as white as snow--there, a Barber had run against
a Parson, and falling along with him, had dropped a pot of pomatum from
his apron-pocket on the reverend gentleman's eye, and left a mark in
perfect unison with the colour of his garments before the disaster, but
which were now of a piebald nature, neither black nor white. A barrow
of nuts, overturned in one place, afforded fine amusement for the
scrambling boys and girls--a Jew old clothes-man swore upon his
conscience he had losht the pest pargain vhat he ever had offered to him
in all his lifetime, by dem tam'd bears of bull-drivers--a Sailor called
him a gallows _half-hung ould crimp_,{1} d----d his
1 Crimp--Kidnappers, Trappers, or Procurers of men for the
Merchant Service; and the East-India company contract with
them for a supply of sailors to navigate their ships out and
home. These are for the most part Jews, who have made
advances to the sailors of money, clothes, victuals, and
lodgings, generally to a very small amount, taking care to
charge an enormous price for every article. The poor
fellows, by these means, are placed under a sort of
espionage, if not close confinement, till the ship is ready
to receive them; and then they are conducted on board at
Gravesend by the Crimp and his assistants, and a receipt
taken for them.
In this process there is nothing very reprehensible--the men
want births, and have no money--the Crimp keeps a lodging-
house, and wishes to be certain of his man: he therefore
takes him into the house, and after a very small supply of
cash, the grand do, is to persuade him to buy watches,
buckles, hats, and jackets, to be paid for on his receiving
his advance previous to sailing. By this means and the
introduction of grog, the most barefaced and unblushing
robberies have been committed.
With the same view of fleecing the unwary poor fellows, who
“... at sea earn their money like horses,
To squander it idly like asses on shore,”
they watch their arrival after the voyage, and advance small
sums of money upon their tickets, or perhaps buy them out
and out, getting rid at the same time of watches, jewellery,
and such stuff, at more than treble their real value. Not
only is this the case in London, but at all the out-ports it
is practised to a very great extent, particularly in war
time.
Happy would it be for poor Jack were this all; he is some-
times brought in indebted to the Crimp to a large nominal