Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
Oh! it will do--it will do.
A courting I went to a girl in our court,
She laugh'd at my figure, and made me her sport;
I was cut to the soul,--so said I on my knee,
I'm a victim of love!--Don't you see? don't you see?
Oh! it won't do--it won't do.
Now all day I march to and fro in the street,
And a candle sometimes on my journey I eat;
So I'll set you a pattern, if you'll but agree,
And a nice pattern too! you shall see--you shall see.
Oh! it will do--it will do.”
This Song, which he declared was all _made out of his own head_, was
sung with grotesque action and ridiculous grimace, intended no doubt in
imitation of Mr. Wilkinson in his inimitable performance of this strange
piece of whimsicality. The dancing party was knock'd up and were lobbing
their _lollys_,{1} half asleep and half awake, on the table, bowing as
it were to the magnanimous influence
1 Lobbing their lollys--Laying their heads.
~122~~of _Old Tom_.{1} The Dustman and the Irishman laugh'd heartily;
and Das hall, Tallyho, and Sparkle, could not resist the impulse
to risibility when they contemplated the group before them. The
Bug-destroyer _munched_{2} a candle and _sluiced_{3} his greasy
_chops_{4} with _Jacky_{5} almost as fast as they could supply him
with it, when Sparkle perceiving the boy was still at the door with the
runaway ass,
“Come,” said he, “we'll start 'em off home in high style--here, you Mr.
Bugman, can you ride?”
“Ride, aye to be sure I can, any of Mr. Astley's horses as well as the
Champion of England,”{6} was the reply.
1 Old Tom--It is customary in public-houses and gin-shops
in London and its vicinity to exhibit a cask inscribed with
large letters--OLD TOM, intended to indicate the best gin in
the house.
2 Munched--Eat.
3 Sluiced--Washed. See Sluicery.
4 Chops--The mouth.
5 Jacky--A vulgar term for gin.
6 Any person would almost suspect that Hookey had been
reading the newspapers by this allusion; but that certainly
could not be the case, for, spurning all education in early
life, this representative of the immortal bard--this
character of characters from Shakespeare, could neither read
nor write, but made all he acted, as he said, from his own
head: however, it may fairly be presumed, that in the course
of his travels during the day he had heard something of the
Champion intended to appear at the approaching Coronation,
of whom the following account has recently been circulated
through the daily press, and, with his usual consistency,
conceived his own innate abilities equal to those which
might be acquired by Mr. Dymocke, though his claims were not
equally honourable or advantageous.
Mr. Dymocke, the nephew of the gentleman (who is a
Clergyman) entitled by hereditary right to do the service of
the Champion to his Majesty, is still in hopes he may be
permitted to act under his Uncle's nomination, although he
wants a few months of being of age. A petition is before the
King on the subject; and Mr. Dymocke, by constant practice
at Astley's Hiding-school, is endeavouring to qualify
himself for the due fulfilment of the office. On Thursday
lie went through his exercise in a heavy suit of armour with
great celerity. The horse which will be rode by the Champion
has been selected from Mr. Astley's troop. It is a fine
animal, pieballed black and white, and is regularly
exercised in the part he will have to perform.
“Walk in--walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, just going to begin--come, Mr.
Merryman, all ready--Ladies and Gentlemen, please to observe, this here
horse is not that there horse.”
“So we laugh at John Bull a little.”
~123~~“Come, then,” continued Sparkle, “another glass--half-a-crown to
ride to the bottom of the lane and up Holboru-hill on that donkey at the
door, and you shall be our Champion.”
“A bargain--a bargain,” said the assumed Hookey Walker, rubbing the
tallow from his _gills_.{1}
“Here goes then,” said Sparkle; then slipping half-a-crown into the
boy's hand, desiring him to run as far as the Traveller-office, in
Fleet-street, and get him a newspaper, promising to take care of his
ass till his return. The lad nibbled the bait, and was off in a _pig's
whisper_{2} Sparkle called to Tom and Bob, and putting them up to
his scheme, Hookey was quickly mounted, while Dashall and his Cousin,
assisted by the Hibernian and Dust-ho, succeeded in getting Mother Mapps
out, who was placed in the front of the Champion, astride, with her face
towards him and Limping Billy, who though _beat to a stand still_,{3}
was after some difficulty lifted up behind. Hookey was then supplied
with his board, the pole of which he placed on his foot, in the manner
of a spear or lance. Then giving the Irishman and the Dustman some
silver, to act as Supporters or Esquires, one on each side, they
proceeded along Shoe-lane, preceded by Billy Waters flourishing his
wooden-leg and feathers, and fiddling as he went--the Irishman roaring
out with Stentorian lungs,
“Sure won't you hear
What roaring cheer
Was spread at Paddy's wedding O,
And how so gay
They spent the day,
From the churching to the bedding O.
First book in hand came Father Quipes,
With the Bride's dadda, the Bailey O,
While all the way to church the pipes
Struck up a jilt so gaily O.
“_Kim ap_--be after sitting fast in the front there, old Mapps, or
you'll make a mud-lark of yourself.” The Dustman rang his bell; and thus
accompanied with an immense assemblage of boys, girls, men, women, and
1 Gills--The mouth.
2 Pig's Whisper--A very common term for speed.
3 Beat to a dead stand still--Means completely unable to
assist himself.
~124~~children, collected from all the courts and alleys in the
neighbourhood, joining in a chorus of shouts that rent the air, poor
Balaam continued to bear his load; while our party, after watching them
till nearly out of sight, passed down Harp-alley into Fleet-market,” and
turning to the right, very soon regained Fleet-Street, laughing heartily
at the bull's cookery of mackarel buttered with brick-dust, and very
well satisfied with their spree.
Engaged in conversation upon this adventure, they found nothing of
interest' or amusement to attract their notice till they arrived at the
warehouse of the London Genuine Tea Company, except merely remarking the
grand appearance of St. Paul's, from that situation.
“Genuine tea” said Bob; “what can that mean--Is tea any thing but tea?”
“To be sure it is,” said Sparkle, “or has been--_any_thing but tea,”{l}
strongly marking the latter part of the
1 Tea and Coffee--The adulteration of articles of human food
is a practice of the most nefarious description, and cannot
be too strongly deprecated, although it has been carried to
an alarming extent. There is scarcely an article of ordinary
consumption but has been unlawfully adulterated, and in many
cases rendered injurious by the infamous and fraudulent
practice of interested persons. Bread, which is considered
to be the staff of life, and beer and ale the universal
beverage of the people of this country, are known to be
frequently mixed with drugs of the most pernicious quality.
Gin, that favourite and heart-inspiring cordial of the lower
orders of society, that it may have the grip, or the
appearance of being particularly strong, is frequently
adulterated with the decoction of long pepper, or a small
quantity of aqua-fortis, a deadly poison. Sugar has been
known to be mixed with sand; and tobacco, for the public-
houses, undergoes a process for making it strong and
intoxicating; but the recent discovery of the nefarious
practice of adulterating tea and coffee, articles of the
most universal and extensive consumption, deserves
particular reprehension.
Tea has been adulterated by the introduction of dried sloe
leaves; the practice is not very new, but its extensive
adoption, and the deleterious properties ascribed to them by
physicians, have been, at length, successfully exposed by
the conviction of many of the venders, so, it is hoped, as
to prevent a repetition of the crime. The sloe leaf, though
a spurious commodity when sold as tea, might afford a
harmless vegetable infusion, and be recommended to the poor
and frugal as a cheap succedaneum for the Chinese vegetable.
The establishment of the Genuine Tea Company on Ludgate-hill
originated in the recent discoveries, promising to sell
nothing but the Unadulterated Tea, and it is sincerely to be
hoped has done some good.
~125~~sentence as he spoke it: “horse-beans have been converted to
coffee, and sloe-leaves have been transformed into tea; hog's lard has
been manufactured for butter; an ingenious gentleman wishes to persuade
us _Periwinkles_{1} are young Lobsters; and another has proposed to
extract sugar, and some say brandy, out of pea-shells! London is the
mart for inventions and discoveries of all kinds, and every one of its
inhabitants appears to have studied something of the art of Legerdemain,
to catch the eye and deceive the senses.”
“Wonderful!” exclaimed Bob.
“Not more wonderful than true,” continued Sparkle; “invention is always
on the stretch in London. Here we have cast-iron Bridges{2}--a cast-iron
Sugar-house--
1 Sparkle appears to have been rather sceptical on the
subject of Periwinkles being young Lobsters, though the
opinion is not very new. A gentleman, whose indefatigable
research appears to be deserving of encouragement and
support, has recently issued the following advertisement,
inviting the curious and the learned to inspect the result
of his discoveries, which seems, at least, to warrant
something more than conjecture.
“J. Cleghorne having in his possession some specimens which
prove, in his opinion, a circumstance before suggested, but
treated by the scientific as a vulgar error, any known
naturalist willing to view them, by noticing by letter,
within a week, may have J. C. attend with his specimens. The
subject is a curious change in the formation of Lobsters
from various species of the Winkle, the Winkle being
considered the larva;.
The only advantage J. C. desires from the communication is,
the credit of advancing his proofs, and the stimulating
further enquiry.--A line addressed to J. Cleghorne,
Architectural Engraver, No. 19, Chapman-street, Black-road,
Islington, will have immediate attention.”
It is sincerely to be hoped that proper notice will be taken
of this advertisement, for in times of general scarcity like
the present, such a discovery might be turned to great
national advantage, by the establishment of proper depots
for the cultivation of lobsters, as we have preserves for
game, &c.
2 Cast-iron has become an object of general utility. The
Southwark or New London Bridge consists of three arches, the
centre of which is a span of 240 feet, and the other two 210
feet each; the Vauxhall Bridge consists of nine arches, over
a width of 809 feet; and it is a fact, that a Sugar-house is
building with cast-iron floors, window-frames, and rafters,
to prevent fire. Cast-iron holds fire and resists fire; but