Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
“How! why easy enough; I've a plan that cannot but succeed--
down with the cash, and I'll put you up to the scheme.”
No sooner said than done, and he pocketed the ten pound
note.
“Now,” said the hoary old sinner, little suspecting that he
was to be the dupe of his own artifice: “You get the husband
invited out to dinner, have him well ply'd with wine by your
friends: You assume the dress of a Postman--give a
thundering rap at her door, which always denotes either the
arrival of some important visitor or official communication;
and when you can see her, flatter, lie, and swear that her
company is necessary to your existence--that life is a
burden without her--tell her, you know her husband is
engaged, and can't come--that he is dining out with some
jolly lads, and can't possibly be home for some hours--fall
at her feet, and say that, having obtained the interview,
you will not leave her. Your friends in the mean time must
be engaged in making him as drunk as a piper. That's the way
to do it, and if you execute it as well as it is plann'd,
the day's your own.”
“Bravo, bravo!” echoed from every one present.
It was a high thing--the breach thus made, the horn-work was
soon to be carried, and there could be no doubt of a safe
lodgement in the covert-way.
The gay Militaire met his inamorata shortly afterwards in
Chelsea-fields, and after obtaining from her sundry
particulars of inquiry, as to the name of her husband, &c.
he acquainted her with his plan. The preliminaries were
agreed upon, and it was deter-mined that the maid-servant,
who was stationed as a spy upon her at all times, should be
dispatched to some house in the neighbour-hood to procure
change, while the man of letters was to be let in and
concealed; and upon her return it was to be stated that the
Postman was in a hurry, could not wait, and was to call
again. This done, he was to make his escape by a rope-ladder
from the window as soon as the old one should be heard upon
the stairs, which it of course was presumed would be at a
late hour, when he was drunk.
The train having been thus laid, Old Vigilance dined out,
and expected to meet the Colonel; but being disappointed,
and suspicious at all times, for
“Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind,”
The utmost endeavours of the party to make him drunk proved
ineffectual; he was restless and uncomfortable, and he could
not help fancying by the visible efforts to do him up, that
some mischief was brewing, or some hoax was about to be
played off. He had his master-key in his pocket, and retired
early.
His Lady, whose plan had succeeded admirably at home, was
fearful of having the door bolted till after twelve, lest
the servant's suspicions should be aroused. In the mean
time, the son of Mars considered all safe, and entertained
no expectation of the old Gentleman's return till a very
late hour. When lo and behold, to the great surprise and
annoyance of the lovers, he gently opened the street door,
and fearful of awaking his faithful charmer out of her first
slumber, he ascended the stairs unshod. His phosphoric
matches shortly threw a light upon the subject, and he
entered the apartment; when, what was the surprise and
astonishment of the whole party at the discovery of their
situation!
The old Gentleman swore, stormed, and bullied, declaring he
would have satisfaction! that he would commence a civil
suit! The Military Hero told him it would be too civil by
half, and was in fact more than he expected;--reminded him
of the ten pounds he had received as agency for promoting
his amours;--informed him he had performed the character
recommended by him most admirably. The old man was almost
choked with rage; but perceiving he had spread a snare for
himself, was compelled to hear and forbear, while the lover
bolted, wishing him a good night, and singing, “Locks,
bolts, and bars, I defy you,” as an admirable lesson in
return for the blustering manner in which he had received
information of the success of his own scheme.
“Mr. C---- on the opposite side is a Money-procurer or lender, a very
accommodating sort of person, who négociâtes meetings and engagements
between young borrowers, who care not what they pay for money, and old
lenders, who care not who suffers, so they can obtain enormous interest
for their loans. He is a venerable looking man, and is known to most
of the young Bloods who visit here. His father was a German Cook in a
certain kitchen. He set up for a Gentleman at his father's death, and
was taken particular notice of by Lord G----, ~170~~and indeed by all
the turf. He lived a gay and fashionable life, soon run out his fortune,
and is now pensioned by a female whom he formerly supported. He is an
excellent judge of a horse and horse-racing, upon which subjects
his advice is frequently given. He is a very useful person among the
generality of gentry who frequent this place of public resort. At the
same time it ought to be observed, that among the various characters
which infest and injure society, perhaps there are few more practised in
guilt, fraud, and deceit, than the Money-lenders.
“They advertise to procure large sums of money to assist those under
pecuniary embarrassment. They generally reside in obscure situations,
and are to be found by anonymous signatures, such as A. B. I. R. D. V.
&c. They chiefly prey upon young men of property, who have lost their
money at play, horse-racing, betting, &c. or other expensive amusements,
and are obliged to raise more upon any terms until their rents or
incomes become payable: or such as have fortunes in prospect, as being
heirs apparent to estates, but who require assistance in the mean time.
“These men avail themselves of the credit, or the ultimate
responsibility of the giddy and thoughtless young spendthrift in his
eager pursuit of criminal pleasures, and under the influence of those
allurements, which the various places of fashionable resort hold out;
and seldom fail to obtain from them securities and obligations for large
sums; upon the credit of which they are enabled, perhaps at usurious
interest, to borrow money or discount bills, and thus supply their
unfortunate customers upon the most extravagant terms.
“There are others, who having some capital, advance money upon bonds,
title-deeds, and other specialties, or tipon the bond of the parties
having property in reversion. By these and other devices, large sums of
money are most unwarrantably and illegally wrested from the dissipated
and the thoughtless; and misery and distress are perhaps entailed upon
them as long as they live, or they are driven by the prospect of utter
ruin to acts of desperation or the commission of crimes.
“It generally happens upon application to the advertising party, that
he, like Moses in _The School for Scandal_, is not really in possession
of any money himself, but then he knows where and how to procure it from
a very ~171~~unconscionable dog, who may, perhaps, not be satisfied with
the security ottered; yet, if you have Bills at any reasonable date, he
could get them discounted. If you should suffer yourself to be trick'd
out of any Bills, he will contrive, in some way or other, to negotiate
them--not, as he professes, for you, but for himself and his colleagues;
and, very likely, after you have been at the additional expense of
commencing a suit at law against them, they have disappeared, and are
in the King's Bench or the Fleet, waiting there to defraud you of
every hope and expectation, by obtaining their liberty through the
White-washing Act.
“These gentry are for the most part Attorneys or Pettifoggers, or
closely connected with such; and notwithstanding all legal provisions
to preclude them from exacting large sums, either for their agency and
introduction, or for the bonds which they draw, yet they contrive to
bring themselves home, and escape detection, by some such means as the
following:
“They pretend that it is necessary to have a deed drawn up to explain
the uses of the Annuity-bond, which the grantor of the money, who is
some usurious villain, immediately acknowledges and accedes to; for
“The bond that signs the mortgage pays the shot; so that an Act which
is fraught with the best purposes for the protection of the honest, but
unfortunate, is in this manner subjected to the grossest chicanery of
pettifoggers and pretenders, and the vilest evasions of quirking low
villains of the law.
“There is also another species of money-lender, not inaptly termed
the Female Banker. These accommodate Barrow-women and others, who sell
fruit, vegetables, &c. in the public streets, with five shillings a day
(the usual diurnal stock in such cases;) for the use of which for twelve
hours they obtain the moderate premium of sixpence when the money is
returned in the evening, receiving at this rate about seven pounds
ten shillings per year for every five pounds they can so employ. It is
however very difficult to convince the borrowers of the correctness
of this calculation, and of the serious loss to which they subject
themselves by a continuation of the system, since it is evident that
this improvident and dissolute class of people have no other idea
than that of making the day and the way alike long. Their profits
~172~~(often considerably augmented by dealing in base money as well as
the articles which they sell) seldom last over the day; for they never
fail to have a luxurious dinner and a hot supper, with a plentiful
supply of gin and porter: looking in general no farther than to keep the
whole original stock with the sixpence interest, which is paid over
to the female Banker in the evening, and a new loan obtained on the
following morning to go to market, and to be disposed of in the same
way.
“In contemplating this curious system of banking, or money lending
(trifling as it may appear,) it is almost impossible not to be forcibly
struck with the immense profits that are derived from it. It is only
necessary for one of these sharpers to possess a capital of seventy
shillings, or three pounds ten shillings, with fourteen steady and
regular customers, in order to realize an income of one hundred guineas
per year! So true it is, that one half of the world do not know how
the other half live; for there are thousands who cannot have the least
conception of the existence of such facts.
“Here comes a _Buck of the first cut_, one who pretends to know every
thing and every body, but thinks of nobody but himself, and of that self
in reality knows nothing.
Captain P----is acknowledged by all his acquaintance to be one of the
best fellows in the world, and to beat every one at slang, but U----y
and A----se. He is the terror of the Charleys, and of the poor
unfortunate roofless nightly wanderers in the streets. You perceive his
long white hair, and by no means engaging features. Yet he has vanity
enough to think himself handsome, and that he is taken notice of on
that account; when the attractions he presents are really such as excite
wonder and surprise, mingled with disgust; yet he contemplates his
figure in the looking-glass with self satisfaction, and asks the
frail ones, with a tremulous voice, if, so help them----he is not a
good-looking fellow 1 and they, knowing their customer, of course do not
fail to reply in the affirmative.
“He is a well known leg, and is no doubt present on this occasion to