Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
these money mills, since they are all thriving concerns, the proprietors
of which keep their country houses, extensive establishments, dashing
equipages; and
“While they have money they ride it in chaises.
And look very big upon those that have none.”
“It certainly is a pity that men do not keep constantly in their
recollection, that no calculation of chances can avail them, and that
between the après, the limitation of stakes, and other manouvres, the
table must eventually be an immense winner.
“For Greeks stick at nothing to gain their own ends, And they sacrifice
all their acquaintance and friends;
And thus luckless P'----n, to gain what he'd lost,
Put his faith in a Greek, which he knows to his cost; Join'd a bank, as
he thought, when the sly Greeking elf Of a friend soon contriv'd for
to break it himself. You credulous pigeons! I would have you beware, Of
falling yourselves in a similar snare.”
“We ought to consider ourselves greatly obliged,” said Merry well, “for
the accurate description of characters ~208~~you have given. But have
you heard the report that is now in circulation, that a certain
Marquis of high military celebrity, and whose property is, or was, very
considerable, has lost almost his last shilling?”
“I,” said Sparkle, “am seldom surprised at such rumours, particularly of
persons who are known to be players, for they are rich and poor in rapid
succession; but if there be any truth in the report, there is a fine
example of perseverance before him--for Lord ----, after a long run of
ill-luck, being refused the loan of an additional rouleau,{1} on
account of his score being rather long, left the company in dudgeon, and
determining on revenge, actually opened another Hell in opposition to
the one he had left, and by that means recovered all his money.”
“That was well done,” rejoined Tallyho.
“It was rather too much of a trading concern for a Lord,” said Tom.
“Not for a gambling Lord,” replied Merry well; “for there is in fact
nothing beneath a Greek, in the way of play: besides, it was a trying
situation, and required some desperate attempt--they care not who they
associate with, so they do but bring grist to the mill.”
“The confusion of persons and characters at a Gaming-house,” said
Sparkle, “are almost incredible, all ranks and descriptions are mingled
together.
“What confusion of titles and persons we see Amongst Gamesters, who
spring out of every degree, From the prince to the pauper; all panting
for play, Their fortune, their time, and their life pass away; Just as
mingled are Pigeons, for 'tis no rebuke For a Greek to pluck all, from a
Groom to a Duke.”
“It is too true,” said Dashall, “and equally as certain, that there are
continually new comers ready and willing to be duped, or at least ready
to risk their property, notwithstanding the warnings they have from
their more experienced friends.”
“And is there no possibility of obtaining fair play?” inquired Bob, “or
redress for being pigeon'd, as you term it?”
1 A Rouleau--Is a packet containing one hundred guineas; but
as guineas are not quite so fashionable in the present day
as they formerly were, some of these Houses, for the
accommodation of their customers, circulate guinea-notes
upon their bankers.
~209~~“None,” said Sparkle; “for if men will play at bowls, they must
expect rubbers; and the system of confederacy is carried on every where,
though perhaps with most success in those professed Gambling-houses,
which young men of property ought carefully to avoid.”
By this time they had reached the end of St. James's Street; it was
therefore proposed by Sparkle that they should separate, particularly
as it was growing late, or rather early in the morning; and, as they had
been in some degree baffled in their attempt to take a minute survey
of the proceedings in Pall Mall, they had no decided object in
view. Accordingly they parted, Tom and Bob pursuing their way along
Piccadilly, while Sparkle, Merrywell, and Mortimer, proceeded down Bond
Street.
“I am by no means satisfied,” said Tom, “with this evening's ramble, nor
exactly pleased to find our friend Sparkle is getting so sentimental.”
“He is, at least,” said Tallyho, “very communicative and instructive--I
should feel less embarrassment at a future visit to one of those
places, though, I can assure you, I should carefully avoid the chance of
becoming a pigeon; but to know these things is certainly useful.”
“We must lay our plans better for the future,” said Tom--“example is
better than precept; and, as for Sparkle, I strongly suspect he is
studying a part in All for Love, or the World well lost. That kind of
study is too laborious for me, I can't bear to be fettered; or if it be
true that it is what we must all come to, my time is not yet arrived.
Though I confess Miss Mortimer has many attractions not to be overlooked
by an attentive observer; at the same time I perceive this Mr. Merrywell
is equally assiduous to obtain the young lady's favours.”
By this time they had arrived at home, where, after partaking of
refreshment, they retired to rest.~210~~
CHAPTER XV
“Cataracts of declamation thunder here,
There, forests of no meaning spread the page,
In which all comprehension wanders, lost,
While fields of pleasantry amuse us there
With many descants on a nation's woes.
The rest appears a wilderness of strange,
But gay confusion--roses for the cheeks,
And lilies for the brows of faded age;
Teeth for the toothless, ringlets for the bald,
Heav'n, earth, and ocean, plunder'd of their sweets;
Nectareous essences, Olympian dews,
Sermons and City feasts, and fav'rite airs,
Ethereal journeys, submarine exploits,
And Katerfelto with his hair on end,
At his own wonders wond'ring for his bread.”
“WELL,” said Tom, “it must be confessed that a Newspaper is a most
convenient and agreeable companion to the breakfast-table,” laying
down the _Times_ as he spoke: “it is a sort of literary hotch-potch,
calculated to afford amusement suited to all tastes, rank-, and degrees;
it contains
“Tales of love and maids mistaken,
Of battles fought, and captives taken.”
“Then, I presume,” said Bob, “you have been gratified and interested in
the perusal?”
“It is impossible to look down the columns of a newspaper,” replied Tom,
“without finding subjects to impart light; and of all the journals
of the present day, the _Times_ appears to me the best in point of
information and conduct; but I spoke of newspapers generally, there
is such a mixture of the _utile et dulce_, that the Merchant and the
Mechanic, the Peer, the Poet, the Prelate, and the Peasant, are all
deeply concerned in its contents. In truth, a newspaper is so true a
mark of the caprice of Englishmen, that it may justly be styled their
coat of ~211~~arms. The Turkish Koran is not near so sacred to a
rigid Mahometan--a parish-dinner to an Overseer--a turtle-feast to an
Alderman, or an election to a Freeholder, as a Gazette or Newspaper to
an Englishman: by it the motions of the world are watched, and in some
degree governed--the arts and sciences protected and promoted--the
virtuous supported and stimulated--the vicious reproved and
corrected--and all informed.”
“Consequently,” said Bob, “a good Newspaper is really a valuable
article.”
“Doubtless,” continued Tom; “and John Bull--mistake me not, I don't
mean the paper which bears that title--I mean the population of England,
enjoy a Newspaper, and there are some who could not relish their
breakfasts without one; it is a sort of general sauce to every thing,
and to the _quid nunc_ is indispensable--for if one informs him of a
naval armament, he will not fail to toast the Admirals all round in pint
bumpers to each, wishes them success, gets drunk with excessive loyalty,
and goes with his head full of seventy-fours, sixty-fours, frigates,
transports, fire-ships, &c. In its diversified pages, persons of every
rank, denomination, and pursuit, may be informed--the Philosopher, the
Politician, the Citizen, the Handicraftsman, and the Gossip, are regaled
by the novelty of its contents, the minuteness of its details, and the
refreshing arrivals of transactions which occupy the attention of human
beings at the greatest or nearest distances from us--
“----a messenger of grief
Perhaps to thousands, and of joy to some:
What is it but a map of life,
Its fluctuations and its vast concerns?”
It may with propriety be compared to the planetary system: the light
which it diffuses round the mental hemisphere, operates according as
it is seen, felt, understood, or enjoyed: for instance, the Miser
is gladdened by an account of the rise of the stocks--the Mariner
is rejoiced, at the safety of his vessel after a thunder-storm--the
Manufacturer, to hear of the revival of foreign markets--the Merchant,
that his cargo is safely arrived--the Member, that his election is
secured--the Father, that his son is walling to return home--the
Poet, that ~212~~his production has been favourably received by the
public--the Physician, that a difficult cure is transmitting his fame
to posterity--the Actor, that his talents are duly appreciated--the
Agriculturist, that grain fetches a good price--the upright man, that
his character is defended--the poor man, that beer, meat, bread, and
vegetables, are so within his reach that he can assure himself of being
able to obtain a good Sunday's dinner.
“Tho' they differ in narrie, all alike, just the same, Morning
Chronicle, Times, Advertiser, British Press, Morning Post, of News--what
a host We read every day, and grow wiser; The Examiner, Whig--all alive
to the gig, While each one his favourite chooses; Star, Traveller, and
Sun, to keep up the fun, And tell all the world what the news is.”
“Well done,” said Bob, “you seem to have them all at your tongue's end,
and their general contents in your head; but, for my part, I am struck
with surprise to know how it is they find interesting matter enough at
all times to fill their columns.”
“Nothing more easy,” continued Dashall, “especially for a newspaper
whose contents are not sanctioned by authority; in which case they are
so much the more the receptacle of invention--thence--We hear--it is
said--a correspondent remarks--whereas, &c--all which serve to please,
surprise, and inform. We hear, can alter a man's face as the weather
would a barometer--It is said, can distort another like a fit of the
spasm--If, can make some cry--while Suppose, can make others laugh--but
a Whereas operates like an electric shock; and though it often runs the
extremity of the kingdom in unison with the rest, they altogether form
a very agreeable mixture, occasionally interspersed, as opportunity
offers, with long extracts from the last published novel, and an
account of the prevailing fashions. But domestic occurrences form a very
essential part of this folio: thus, a marriage hurts an old maid and
mortifies a young one, while it consoles many a poor dejected husband,
who is secretly pleased to find another fallen into his case--a death,
if of a wife, makes husbands envy the widower, while, perhaps, some one
of the women who censure his alleged want of ~213~~decent sorrow, marry
him within a month after--in fact, every person is put in motion by a
Newspaper.
“Here various news is found, of love and strife;
Of peace and war, health, sickness, death, and life;
Of loss and gain, of famine and of store;
Of storms at sea, and travels on the shore;