Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
Of prodigies and portents seen in air;
Of fires and plagues, and stars with blazing hair;
Of turns of fortune, changes in the state,
The falls of favourites, projects of the great.”
“It is a bill of fare, containing all the luxuries as well as
necessaries, of life. Politics, for instance, are the roast beef of the
times; essays, the plum pudding; and poetry the fritters, confections,
custards, and all the _et cotera_ of the table, usually denominated
trifles. Yet the four winds are not liable to more mutability than
the vehicles of these entertainments; for instance, on Monday, it
is whispered--on Tuesday, it is rumoured--on Wednesday, it is
conjectured--on Thursday, it is probable--on Friday, it is positively
asserted--and, on Saturday, it is premature. But notwithstanding this,
some how or other, all are eventually pleased; for, as the affections
of all are divided among wit, anecdote, poetry, prices of stocks, the
arrival of ships, &c. a Newspaper is a repository where every one has
his hobby-horse; without it, coffee-houses, &c. would be depopulated,
and the country squire, the curate, the exciseman, and the barber, and
many others, would lose those golden opportunities of appearing so very
wise as they do.
A Newspaper may also be compared to the Seasons. Its information varies
on the roll of Time, and much of it passes away as a Winter, giving many
a bitter pang of the death of a relative or hopeful lover; it is as a
Spring, for, in the time of war and civil commotion, its luminary, the
editor, like the morning sun, leads Hope forward to milder days and
happier prospects--the smiles of peace; it is the heart's Summer
calendar, giving news of marriages and births for heirs and patrons;
it is the Autumn of joy, giving accounts of plenty, and guarding the
avaricious against the snares of self-love, and offering arguments in
favour of humanity. It is more; a Newspaper is one of the most faithful
lessons that can be represented to our reflections, for, while it is the
interpreter ~214~of the general economy of nature, it is a most kind and
able instructress to improve ourselves.
What are our lives but as the ephemeral appearance of an advertisement?
Our actions but as the actions of a popular contest? Our hopes, fears,
exultations, but as the cross readings of diurnal events? And although
grief is felt at the perusal of accidents, offences, and crimes, which
are necessarily and judiciously given, there is in every good Newspaper
an impartial record, an abstract of the times, a vast fund of useful
knowledge; and, finally, no person has reason, after perusing it, to
rise without being thankful that so useful a medium is offered to his
understanding; at least, this is my opinion.”
“And now you have favoured me with this opinion,” rejoined Tallyho,
“will you be kind enough to inform me to what fortunate circumstance I
am indebted for it?”
“The question comes very apropos,” continued Tom--“for I had nearly
forgotten that circumstance, so that you may perhaps be inclined to
compare my head to a newspaper, constantly varying from subject to
subject; but no matter, a novelty has just struck my eye, which I
think will afford us much gratification: it is the announcement of
an exhibition of engravings by living artists, under the immediate
patronage of his Majesty, recently opened in Soho Square, through the
public spirited exertions of Mr. Cooke, a celebrated engraver--And now
I think of it, Mortimer and his Sister intend visiting Somerset
House--egad! we will make a morning of it in reviewing the Arts--what
say you?”
“With all my heart,” returned Bob.
“Be it so, then,” said Tom--“So-ho, my boy--perhaps we may meet the
love-sick youth, poor Sparkle; he has certainly received the wound of
the blind urchin--I believe we must pity him--but come, let us prepare,
we will lounge away an hour in walking down Bond Street--peep at the
wags and the wag-tails, and take Soho Square in our way to Somerset
House. I feel myself just in the humour for a bit of gig, and 1 promise
you we will make a night of it.”
The preliminaries of their route being thus arranged, in half an hour
they were on their road down Bond Street, marking and remarking upon
circumstances and subjects as they arose.
“Who is that Lady?” said Bob, seeing Tom bow as a dashing carriage passed
them.
“That is a Lady Townley, according to the generally
received term.”
“A lady of title, as I suspected,” said Bob.
“Yes, yes,” replied Tom Dashall, “a distinguished personage, I can
assure you--one of the most dashing demireps of the present day, basking
at this moment in the plenitude of her good fortune. She is however
deserving of a better fate: well educated and brought up, she was early
initiated into the mysteries and miseries of high life. You seem to
wonder at the title I have given her.”
“I am astonished again, I confess,” replied Bob; “but it appears there
is no end to wonders in London--nor can I guess how you so accurately
know them.”
“Along residence in London affords opportunities for
discovery.
“As the French very justly say, that _Il n'y a que le premier pas qui
coûte_, and just as, with all the sapience of medicine, there is but
a degree betwixt the Doctor and the Student, so, after the first step,
there is but a degree betwixt the Demirep and the gazetted Cyprian, who
is known by head-mark to every insipid Amateur and Fancier in the town.
“The number of these frail ones is so great, that, if I were to attempt
to go through the shades and gradations, the distinctions and titles,
from the promiscuous Duchess to the interested Marchande de mode, and
from her down to the Wood Nymphs of the English Opera, there would
be such a longo ordine génies, that although it is a very interesting
subject, well worthy of investigation, it would occupy a considerable
portion of time; however, I will give you a slight sketch of some
well known and very topping articles. Mrs. B----m, commonly called
B----g, Mrs. P----n, and Mrs. H----d, of various life. “The modern
Pyrrha, B----g, has a train as long as an eastern monarch, but it is
a train of lovers. The Honourable B---- C----n, that famous gentleman
miller, had the honour at one time (like Cromwell,) of being the
Protector of the Republic. The infamous Greek, bully, informer and
reprobate W----ce, was her accomplice and paramour at another. Lord
V----l boasted her favours at a third period; and she wished to look
upon him in a fatherly ~216~~light; but it would not do. Mr. C. T. S.
the nephew of a great naval character, is supposed to have a greater
or prior claim there; but the piebald harlequin is owned not by “Light
horse, but by heavy.”
“Mr. P----y, however, was so struck with the increased
attractions of this Cyprian, that he offered to be her protector during
a confinement which may be alarming to many, but interesting to a few.
This was being doubly diligent, and accordingly as it was two to one in
his favour, no wonder he succeeded in his suit. The difficulties which
Madame laboured under were sufficient to decide her in this youth's
favour; and the preference, upon such an occasion, must have been highly
flattering to him. On the score of difficulties, Cyprians are quite in
fashion; for executions and arrests are very usual in their mansions,
and the last comer has the exquisite felicity of relieving them.
“Although this dashing Lady was the daughter of a bathing woman at
Brighton, she was not enabled to keep her head above water.
“I must not forget Poll P----n, whose select friends have such cause
to be proud of lier election. This Diana is not descended from a member
of the Rump Parliament, nor from a bum bailiff; but was the daughter
of a bumboat woman at Plymouth. She has, however, since that period,
commenced business for herself; and that in such a respectable and
extensive line, that she counts exactly seven thousand customers! all
regularly booked. What a delectable amusement to keep such a register!
_Neanmoins_, or _nean plus_, if you like. It is reported that the noble
Y---- was so delighted with her at the Venetian fête given by Messrs.
W--ll--ms and D--h--r--ty, that he gave the Virgin Unmasked several very
valuable presents, item, a shawl value one hundred guineas, &c. and
was honoured by being put on this Prime Minister of the Court of Love's
list--number Seven thousand and one! What a fortunate man!
“Mrs. H----d is lineally descended, not from William the Conqueror,
but from W----s the coachman. She lived, for a considerable time, in
a mews, and it was thought that it was his love for the _Muses_ which
attached C---- L---- so closely to her. She was seduced at a most
indelicately juvenile age by a Major M----l, who protected her but
a short time, and then deserted her. Then ~217~~she became what the
Cyprians term Lady Townly, till Mr. H----d, a youth with considerable
West India property in expectation, married her.
“On this happy occasion, her hymeneal flame burned with so much warmth
and purity, that she shared it with a linen-draper, and the circumstance
became almost immediately known to the husband! This was a happy
presage of future connubial felicity! The very day before this domestic
exposure, and the happy vigil of Mr. H----d's happier “_jour des
noces_,” the darling of the Muses or Mewses, Mr. L---- procured Lady
H----d's private box for her at one of the theatres, whither she and
Mrs. CI----y, the mistress of an officer of that name, repaired in the
carriage of the Mews lover, which has become completely “the Demirep or
Cyprian's Diligence,” and these patterns for the fair sex had poured out
such plentiful libations to Bacchus, that her ladyship's box exhibited
the effects of their devotions! What a regale for the Princess of
Madagascar!
“The guardians, or trustees, of Mr. H----d now withheld his property,
and Madame assisted him into the King's Bench, during which time she
kept terms with Mr. L---- at Oxford. On her return, she got acquainted
with a Capt. Cr----ks, whom she contrived soon afterwards to lodge, in
the next room to her husband, in the Bench; but to whom she kindly gave
the preference in her visits.
“Whether C---- L----, W--lk--s the linen-draper, or Capt. C----k,
be the most favoured swain, or swine, I venture not to say; but the
former has devoted his time, his chariot, and his female acquaintances'
boxes in public to her. As a pledge of his love, she helped herself to
a loose picture of great value belonging to him, which very nearly fell
into the hands of John Doe or Richard Roe, on her husband's account,
afterwards. The palm should, however, certainly be given to Mr. L----,
as he courted her classically, moralized to her sentimentally, sung
psalms and prayed with her fervently, and, on all occasions, treated her
like a lady.”
“Ha,” said a fashionably dressed young man, who approached towards
Dashall, “Ha, my dear fellow, how goes it with you? Haven't seen
you this month; d----d unlucky circumstance--wanted you very much
indeed--glorious sport--_all jolly and bang up_.” ~218~~“Glad to hear
it,” said Tom,--“sorry you should have experienced any wants on my
account.”
“Which way are you going? Come along, I'll tell you of such a
spree--regular, and nothing but--You must know, a few days ago,
sauntering down Bond-street, I overtook Sir G. W. 'Ha! my gay fellow,'
said he, 'I thought you were at Bibury; you're the very man I want. My
brother Jack has lost a rump and dozen to a young one, and we want to
make up a select party, a set of real hardheaded fellows, to share
the feast. I have already recruited Sir M. M., the buck Parson, Lord
Lavender, and Tom Shuffleton. Then there's yourself, I hope, my brother