Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
and I, the young one, and A----'s deputy, the reprobate Curate, whom
we will have to make fun of. We dine at half-past seven, at Long's, and
there will be some sport, I assure you.'
“I accepted the invitation, and met the company before mentioned. A
rump and dozen is always a nominal thing. There was no rump, except
Lavender's, which projects like a female's from the bottom of a
tight-laced pair of stays; and as for the dozen, I believe we drank
nearer three dozen of different expensive wines, which were tasted one
after the other with a quickness of succession, which at last left no
taste, but a taste for more drink, and for all sorts of wickedness.
“This tasting plan is a very successful trick of tavern keepers, which
enables them to carry off half bottles of wine, to swell the reckoning
most amazingly, and so to bewilder people as to the qualities of the
wine, that any thing, provided it be strong and not acid, will go down
at the heel of the evening. It is also a grand manouvre; to intoxicate
a Johnny Raw, and to astonish his weak mind with admiration for the
founder of the feast. Therefore, the old trick of 'I have got some
particularly high-flavoured Burgundy, which Lord Lavender very much
approved t'other day;' and, 'Might I, Sir, ask your opinion of a new
importation of Sillery?' or, 'My Lord, 1 have bought all the Nabob's
East India Madeira,' &c. was successfully practised.
“Through the first course we were stag-hunting, to a man, and killed
the stag just as the second course came on the table. This course was
occupied by a great number of long shots of Sir M. M., and by Lavender
offering to back himself and the buck Parson against any other two
~219~~men in England, as to the number of head of game which they would
bag from sun-rise to sun-set upon the moors. A foot race, and a dispute
as to the odds betted on the second October Meeting, occupied the
third course. The desert was enlivened by a list of ladies of all
descriptions, whose characters were cut up full as ably as the haunch of
venison was carved; and here boasting of success in love was as general
as the custom is base. One man of fashion goes by the name of Kiss and
tell.
“After an hour of hard drinking, as though it had been for a wager, a
number of very manly, nice little innocent and instructive amusements
were resorted to. We had a most excellent maggot race for a hundred; and
then a handycap for a future poney race. We had pitching a guinea into a
decanter, at which the young one lost considerably. We had a raffle
for a gold snuff box, a challenge of fifty against Lord Lavender's
Dusseldorf Pipe, and five hundred betted upon the number of shot to be
put into a Joe Manton Rifle. We played at _te-to-tum_; and the young
one leaped over a handkerchief six feet high for a wager: he performed
extremely well at first, but at last Lavender, who betted against him,
kept plying him so with wine, and daring him to an inch higher and
higher, until at last the young one broke his nose, and lost five
hundred guineas by his boyish diversion.
Now we had a fulminating letter introduced as a hoax upon Shuffleton;
next, devils and broiled bones; then some blasphemous songs from the
Curate, who afterwards fell asleep, and thus furnished an opportunity
for having his face blacked. We then got in a band of itinerant
musicians; put crackers in their pockets; cut off one fellow's tail; and
had a milling match betwixt the baronet in the chair and the stoutest of
them, who, having had spirits of wine poured over his head, refused to
let the candle be put to it!
Peace being restored, a regular supper appeared; and then a regular
set-to at play, where I perceived divers signals thrown out, such as
rubbing of foreheads and chins, taking two pinches of snuff and other
private telegraphic communications, the result of which was, the young
one, just of age, being greeked to a very great amount.
We now sallied forth, like a pack in full cry, with all the loud
expression of mirth and riot, and proceeded to 220~~old 77, which, being
shut up, we swore like troopers, and broke the parlour windows in a
rage. We next cut the traces of a hackney coach, and led the horses into
a mews, ?where we tied them up; coachee being asleep inside the whole
time. We then proceeded to old _Ham-a-dry-ed_, the bacon man's, called
out Fire, and got the old man down to the door in his shirt, when
Lavender ran away with his night-cap, and threw it into the water in
St. James's Square, whilst the Baronet put it in right and left at his
sconce, and told him to hide his d----d ugly masard. This induced him
to come out and call the Watch, during which time the buck Parson got
into his house, and was very snug with the cook wench until the next
evening, when _old fusty mug_ went out upon business.
After giving a view holloa! we ran off, with the Charleys in full cry
after us, when Sir G. W., who had purposely provided himself with a long
cord, gave me one end, and ran to the opposite side of Jermyn Street
with the other in his hand, holding it about two feet from the pavement.
The old Scouts came up in droves, and we had 'em down in a moment, for
every mother's son of the guardians were caught in the trap, and rolled
over each other slap into the kennel. Never was such a prime bit of gig!
They lay stunn'd with the fall--broken lanterns, staves, rattles, Welsh
wigs, night-caps and old hats, were scattered about in abundance, while
grunting, growling, and swearing was heard in all directions. One
old buck got his jaw-bone broken; another staved in two of his crazy
timbers, that is to say, broke a couple of ribs; a third bled from the
nose like a pig; a fourth squinted admirably from a pair of painted
peepers; their numbers however increasing, we divided our forces and
marched in opposite directions; one party sallied along Bond Street,
nailed up a snoosy Charley in his box, and bolted with his lantern: the
others were not so fortunate, for A----'s deputy cushion thumper, the
young one, and the Baronet's brother, got safely lodged in St. James's
Watch-house.
“Broad daylight now glar'd upon us--Lavender retired comfortably upon
Madame la Comtesse in the Bench; Sir M. M. was found chanting Cannons
with some Wood nymphs not an hundred and fifty miles off from Leicester
Square; I had the President to carry home on my shoulders, bundled
to bed, and there I lay sick for four and twenty hours, when a little
inspiring Coniac brought ~221~~me to my senses again, and now I am ready
and ripe for another spree. Stap my vitals if there isn't Lavender--my
dear fellow, adieu--remember me to Charley Sparkle when you see him--by,
by.” And with this he sprung across the road, leaving Bob and his Cousin
to comment at leisure upon his folly.
They were however soon aroused from their reflections by perceiving a
Groom in livery advancing rapidly towards them, followed by a curricle,
moving at the rate of full nine miles per hour.
“Who have we here?” said Bob.
“A character well known,” said Tom; “that is Lady L----, a dashing
female whip of the first order--mark how she manages her tits--take a
peep at her costume and learn while you look.”
“More than one steed must Delia's empire feel Who sits triumphant o'er
the flying wheel; And as she guides it through th' admiring throng, With
what an air she smacks the silken thong!”
The Lady had a small round riding-hat, of black beaver, and sat in the
true attitude of a coachman--wrists pliant, elbows square, she handled
her whip in a scientific manner; and had not Tom declared her sex, Bob
would hardly have discovered it from her outward appearance. She was
approaching them at a brisk trot, greeting her numerous acquaintance as
she passed with familiar nods, at each giving her horses an additional
touch, and pursing up her lips to accelerate their speed; indeed, she
was so intent upon the management of her reins, and her eyes so fixed
upon her cattle, that there was no time for more than a sort of sidelong
glance of recognition; and every additional smack of the whip seem'd to
say, “_Here I come--that's your sort_.” Her whole manner indeed was
very similar to what may be witnessed in Stage-coachmen, Hackneymen,
and fashionable Ruffians, who appear to think that all merit consists in
copying them when they tip a brother whip the go-by, or almost graze the
wheel of a Johnny-raw, and turn round with a grin of self-approbation,
as much as to say--“_What d'ye think of that now, eh f--there's a touch
for you--lord, what a flat you must be!_”
Bob gazed with wonder and astonishment as she passed.
“How?” said he, “do the ladies of London frequently take the whip?--”
~222~~”--Hand of their husbands as well as their horses,” replied
Tom--“often enough, be assured.”
“But how, in the name of wonder, do they learn to drive in this style?”
“Easily enough; inclination and determination will accomplish their
objects. Why, among the softer sex, we have female Anatomists--female
Students in Natural History--Sculptors, and Mechanics of all
descriptions--Shoe-makers and Match-makers--and why not Charioteers?”
“Nay, I am not asking why; but as it appears rather out of the common
way, I confess my ignorance has excited my curiosity on a subject which
seems somewhat out of nature.”
“I have before told you, Nature has nothing to do with Real Life in
London.”
“And yet,” continued Bob, “we are told, and I cannot help confessing the
truth of the assertion, with respect to the ladies, that
“----Loveliness
Needs not the foreign aid of ornament,
But is, when unadorned, adorn'd the most,”
This certainly implies a natural or native grace.”
“Pshaw,” said Dashall, “that was according to the Old school; such
doctrines are completely exploded now-a-days, for Fashion is at variance
with Nature in all her walks; hence, driving is considered one of the
accomplishments necessary to be acquired by the female sex in high life,
by which an estimate of character may be formed: for instance--if a lady
take the reins of her husband, her brother, or a lover, it is strongly
indicative of assuming the mastery; but should she have no courage or
muscular strength, and pays no attention to the art of governing and
guiding her cattle, it is plain that she will become no driver, no whip,
and may daily run the risk of breaking the necks of herself and friends.
If however she should excel in this study, she immediately becomes
masculine and severe, and she punishes, when occasion requires, every
animal within the reach of her lash--acquires an ungraceful attitude and
manner--heats her complexion by over exertion--sacrifices her softness
to accomplish her intentions--runs a risk of having hard hands, and
perhaps a hard heart: at all events she gains unfeminine habits, and
~223~~such as are found very difficult to get rid of, and prides herself
on being the go, the gaze, the gape, the stare of all who see her.”
“A very admirable, and no doubt equally happy state,” quoth Bob, half
interrupting him.
“If she learn the art of driving from the family coachman, it cannot
be doubted but such tuition is more than likely to give her additional
grace, and to teach her all that is polite; and then the pleasure of
such company whilst superintending her studies, must tend to improve her
mind; the freedom of these teachers of coachmanship, and the language
peculiar to themselves, at first perhaps not altogether agreeable, is
gradually worn away by the pride of becoming an accomplished whip--to
know how to _turn a corner in style--tickle Snarler in the ear--cut up
the yelper--take out a fly's eye in bang-up twig_.”
“Excellent! indeed,” cried Bob, charmed with Dashall's irony, and