Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
colleges occasionally with meat. This man, they thought, with a little
instruction might serve their purpose; he was, however, blind with one
eye, but he had much drollery and impudence about him, and very well
knew how to conduct any farce to which his abilities were competent.
“On sending for Geordy, (for that was the butcher's name) they
communicated to him the tale, and instructing him in the part he was to
act, he readily undertook to become Professor of Signs, especially as he
was not to speak one word in the Ambassador's presence, on any pretence
whatever. Having made these arrangements, it was formally announced to
the Ambassador, that the Professor would be in town in the course of
a few days, when he might expect a silent interview. Pleased with
this information, the learned foreigner thought that he would put his
abilities at once to the test, by introducing into his dumb language
some subject that should be at once difficult, interesting, and
important. When the day of interview arrived, Geordy was cleaned up,
decorated with a large bushy wig, and covered over with a singular gown,
in every respect becoming his station. He was then seated in a chair
of state, in one of their large rooms, while the Ambassador and the
trembling Professors waited in an adjoining apartment.
“It was at length announced, that the learned Professor of Signs was
ready to receive his Excellency, who, on entering the room, was struck
with astonishment at his venerable and dignified appearance. As none of
the Professors would presume to enter, to witness the interview, under
a pretence of delicacy, (but, in reality, for fear that their presence
might have some effect upon the risible muscles of Geordy's countenance)
they waited with inconceivable anxiety, the result of this strange
adventure, upon which depended their own credit, that of the King, and,
in some degree, the honour of the nation.
“As this was an interview of signs, the Ambassador began with Geordy,
by holding up one of his fingers; Geordy replied, by holding up two. The
Ambassador then held up three; Geordy answered, by clenching his fist,
and looking sternly. The Ambassador then took an orange from his pocket,
and held it up; Geordy returned the compliment, by taking from his
pocket a ~264~~ piece of a barley cake, which he exhibited in a similar
manner. The ambassador, satisfied with the vast attainments of the
learned Professor, then bowed before him with profound reverence, and
retired. On rejoining the agitated Professors, they fearfully began to
enquire what his Excellency thought of their learned brother? 'He is
a perfect miracle,' replied the Ambassador, 'his worth is not to be
purchased by the wealth of half the Indies.' 'May we presume to descend
to particulars?' returned the Professors, who now began to think
themselves somewhat out of danger. 'Gentlemen,' said the Ambassador,
'when I first entered into his presence, I held up one finger, to denote
that there is one God. He then held up two, signifying that the Father
should not be divided from the Son. I then held up three, intimating,
that I believed in Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. He then clenched his
fist, and, looking sternly at me, signified, that these three are
one; and that he would defy me, either to separate them, or to make
additions. I then took out an orange from my pocket, and held it up, to
show the goodness of God, and to signify that he gives to his creatures
not only the necessaries, but even the luxuries of life. Then, to my
utter astonishment, this wonderful man took from his pocket a piece of
bread, thus assuring me, that this was the staff of life, and was to be
preferred to all the luxuries in the world. Being thus satisfied with
his proficiency and great attainments in this science, I silently
withdrew, to reflect upon what I had witnessed.' “Diverted with the
success of their stratagem, the Professors continued to entertain their
visitor, until he thought prudent to withdraw. No sooner had he retired,
than the opportunity was seized to learn from Geordy, in what manner he
had proceeded to give the Ambassador such wonderful satisfaction; they
being at a loss to conceive how he could have caught his ideas with
so much promptitude, and have replied to them with proportionable
readiness. But, that one story might not borrow any features from
the other, they concealed from Geordy all they had learned from the
Ambassador; and desiring him to begin with his relation, he proceeded in
the following manner:--'When the rascal came into the room, after gazing
at me a little, what do you think, gentlemen, that he did? He held up
one finger, as much as to say, you have only one eye. I then held up
two, to ~265~~ let him know that my one eye was as good as both of
his. He then held up three, as much as to say, we have only three eyes
between us. This was so provoking, that I bent my fist at the scoundrel,
and had it not been for your sakes, I should certainly have risen from
the chair, pulled off my wig and gown, and taught him how to insult a
man, because he had the misfortune to lose one eye. The impudence of
the fellow, however, did not stop here; for he then pulled out an orange
from his pocket, and held it up, as much as to say, Your poor beggarly
country cannot produce this. I then pulled out a piece of good cake, and
held it up, giving him to understand, that I did not care a farthing for
his trash. Neither do I; and I only regret, that I did not thrash the
scoundrel's hide, that he might remember how he insulted me, and abused
my country.' We may learn from hence, that if there are not two ways of
telling a story, there are at least two ways of understanding Signs, and
also of interpreting them.”
This story, which was told with considerable effect by their merry
companion, alternately called forth loud bursts of laughter, induced
profound silence, and particularly interested and delighted young
Mortimer and Tallyho; while Merrywell kept the glass in circulation,
insisting on _no day-light_{1} nor _heel-taps_,{2} and the lads began
to feel themselves all in high feather. Time was passing in fearless
enjoyment, and Frank Harry being called on by Merrywell for a song,
declared he had no objection to tip 'em a rum chant, provided it was
agreed that it should go round.
This proposal was instantly acceded to, a promise made that he should
not be at a loss for a good _coal-box_;{3} and after a little more
rosin, without which, he said, he could not pitch the key-note, he sung
the following~266~~
SONG.
Oh, London! dear London! magnanimous City,
Say where is thy likeness again to be found?
Here pleasures abundant, delightful and pretty,
All whisk us and frisk us in magical round;
1 No day-light--That is to leave no space in the glass; or,
in other words, to take a bumper.
2 Heel-taps--To leave no wine at the bottom.
3 Coal-box--A very common corruption of chorus.
Here we have all that in life can merry be,
Looking and laughing with friends Hob and Nob,
More frolic and fun than there's bloom on the cherry-tree,
While we can muster a _Sovereign Bob_.
(Spoken)--Yes, yes, London is the large world in a small compass: it
contains all the comforts and pleasures of human life--“Aye aye, (says a Bumpkin to his more accomplished
Kinsman) Ye mun brag o' yer Lunnun fare; if smoak, smother, mud, and
makeshift be the comforts and pleasures, gie me free air, health and
a cottage.”--Ha, ha, ha, Hark at the just-catch'd Johnny Rata, (says a
bang-up Lad in a lily-shallow and upper toggery) where the devil did
you come from? who let you loose upon society? d------e, you ought to
be coop'd up at Exeter 'Change among the wild beasts, the Kangaroos and
Catabaws, and shewn as the eighth wonder of the world! Shew 'em in! Shew
'em in! stir him up with a long pole; the like never seen before;
here's the head of an owl with the tail of an ass--all alive, alive O!
D------me how the fellow stares; what a marvellous piece of a mop-stick
without thrums.--“By gum (says the Bumpkin) you looks more like an ape,
and Ise a great mind to gie thee a douse o' the chops.”--You'd soon find
yourself chop-fallen there, my nabs, (replies his antagonist)--you are
not up to the gammon--you must go to College and learn to sing
Oh, London! dear London! &c.
Here the streets are so gay, and the features so smiling,
With uproar and noise, bustle, bother, and gig;
The lasses (dear creatures! ) each sorrow beguiling,
The Duke and the Dustman, the Peer and the Prig;
Here is his Lordship from gay Piccadilly,
There an ould Clothesman from Rosemary Lane;
Here is a Dandy in search of a filly,
And there is a Blood, ripe for milling a pane.
(Spoken)--All higgledy-piggledy, pigs in the straw--Lawyers, Lapidaries,
Lamplighters, and Lap-dogs--Men-milliners, Money-lenders, and Fancy
Millers, Mouse-trap Mongers, and Matchmen, in one eternal round of
variety! Paradise is a pail of cold water in comparison with its
unparalleled pleasures--and the wishing cap of Fortunatus could not
produce a greater abundance of delight--Cat's Meat--Dog's Meat--Here
they are all four a penny, hot hot hot, smoking hot, piping hot
hot Chelsea Buns--Clothes sale, clothes--Sweep, sweep--while a poor
bare-footed Ballad Singer with a hoarse discordant voice at intervals
chimes in with
“They led me like a pilgrim thro' the labyrinth of care,
You may know me by my sign and the robe that I wear;”
~267~~ so that the concatenation of sounds mingling all at once into
one undistinguished concert of harmony, induces me to add mine to the
number, by singing--
Oh, London! dear London! &c.
The Butcher, whose tray meets the dough of the Baker,
And bundles his bread-basket out of his hand;
The Exquisite Lad, and the dingy Flue Faker,{1}
And coaches to go that are all on the stand:
Here you may see the lean sons of Parnassus,
The puffing Perfumer, so spruce and so neat;
While Ladies, who flock to the fam'd Bonassus,
Are boning our hearts as we walk thro' the street.
(Spoken)--“In gude truth,” says a brawney Scotchman, “I'se ne'er see'd
sic bonny work in a' my liefe--there's nae walking up the streets
without being knock'd doon, and nae walking doon the streets without
being tripp'd up.”--“Blood-an-oons, (says an Irishman) don't be after
blowing away your breath in blarney, my dear, when you'll want it
presently to cool your barley broth.”--“By a leaf,” cries a Porter with
a chest of drawers on his knot, and, passing between them, capsizes
both at once, then makes the best of his way on a jog-trot, humming
to himself, Ally Croaker, or Hey diddle Ho diddle de; and leaving
the fallen heroes to console themselves with broken heads, while
some officious friends are carefully placing them on their legs, and
genteelly easing their pockets of the possibles; after which they
toddle off at leisure, to sing
Oh, London! dear London! &c.
Then for buildings so various, ah, who would conceive it,
Unless up to London they'd certainly been?
'Tis a truth, I aver, tho' you'd scarcely believe it,
That at the Court end not a Court's to be seen;
Then for grandeur or style, pray where is the nation
For fashion or folly can equal our own?
Or fit out a fête like the grand Coronation?
I defy the whole world, there is certainly none.
(Spoken)--Talk of sights and sounds--is not there the Parliament