Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
afterwards are seen a greater number of parts than the
spectator was prepared to expect. It is known and admired on
the Continent, as a master-piece of art. Over the altar is a
fine painting of the martyrdom of St. Stephen, by West.
~273~~ _chef d'ouvre_ of the same artist, and serves to display the
versatility of his genius.”
Instead however of looking up, Bob was looking over the way, where a
number of people, collected round a bookseller's window, had attracted
his attention.
“Apropos,” cried Dashall,--“The Temple of Apollo--we should have
overlook'd a fine subject, but for your remark--yonder is Tegg's Evening
Book Auction, let us cross and see what's going on. He is a fellow of
'infinite mirth and good humour,' and many an evening have I passed at
his Auction, better amused than by a farce at the Theatre.”
They now attempted to cross, but the intervening crowd of carriages,
three or four deep, and in a line as far as the eye could reach, for the
present opposed an obstacle.
“If I could think of it,” said Sparkle, “I'd give you the Ode on his
Birth-day, which I once saw in MS.--it is the _jeu d'esprit_ of a very
clever young Poet, and who perhaps one of these days may be better
known; but poets, like anatomical subjects, are worth but little till
dead.”
“And for this reason, I suppose,” says Tom, “their friends and patrons
are anxious they should rather be starved than die a natural death.”
“Oh! now I have it--let us remain in the Church-yard a few minutes,
while the carriages pass, and you shall hear it.”~274~~
“Ye hackney-coaches, and ye carts,
That oft so well perform your parts
For those who choose to ride,
Now louder let your music grow--
Your heated axles fiery glow--
Whether you travel quick or slow-
In Cheapside.
For know, “ye ragged rascals all,”
(As H----- would in his pulpit bawl
With cheeks extended wide)
Know, as you pass the crowded way,
This is the happy natal day
Of Him whose books demand your stay
In Cheapside.
'Twas on the bright propitious morn
When the facetious Tegcy was born,
Of mirth and fun the pride,
That Nature said “good Fortune follow,
Bear him thro' life o'er hill and hollow,
Give him the Temple of Apollo
In Cheapside.”
Then, O ye sons of Literature!
Shew your regard for Mother Nature,
Nor let her be denied:
Hail! hail the man whose happy birth
May tell the world of mental worth;
They'll find the best books on the earth
In Cheapside.
“Good!” exclaimed Bob; “but we will now endeavour to make our way
across, and take a peep at the subject of the Ode.”
Finding the auction had not yet commenced, Sparkle proposed adjourning
to the Burton Coffee House in the adjacent passage, taking a nip of ale
by way of refreshment and exhilaration, and returning in half an hour.
This proposition was cordially agreed to by all, except Tallyho, whose
attention was engrossed by a large collection of Caricatures which
lay exposed in a portfolio on the table beneath the rostrum. The
irresistible broad humour of the subjects had taken fast hold of his
risible muscles, and in turning them over one after the other, he found
it difficult to part with such a rich fund of humour, and still more so
to stifle the violent emotion it excited. At length, clapping his hands
to his sides, he gave full vent to the impulse in a horse-laugh from a
pair of truly Stentorian lungs, and was by main force dragged out by his
companions.
While seated in the comfortable enjoyment of their nips of ale, Sparkle,
with his usual vivacity, began an elucidation of the subjects they
had just left. “The collection of Caricatures,” said he, “which is
considered the largest in London, are mostly from the pencil of that
self-taught artist, the late George Woodward, and display not only a
genuine and original style of humour in the design, but a corresponding
and appropriate character in the dialogue, or speeches connected with
the figures. Like his contemporary in another branch of the art, George
Morland, he possessed all the eccentricity and thoughtless improvidence
so common and frequently so fatal to genius; and had not his good
fortune led him towards Bow Church, he must have suffered severe
privations, and perhaps eventually have perished of want. Here, he
always found a ready market, and a liberal price for his productions,
however rude or hasty the sketch, or whatever might be the subject of
them.”
~275~~ “As to books,” continued he, “all ages, classes, and appetites,
may be here suited. The superficial dabbler in, and pretender to every
thing, will find collections, selections, beauties, flowers, gems, &c.
The man of real knowledge may here purchase the elements, theory,
and practice of every art and science, in all the various forms and
dimensions, from a single volume, to the Encyclopedia at large.
The dandy may meet with plenty of pretty little foolscap volumes,
delightfully hot-pressed, and exquisitely embellished; the contents of
which will neither fatigue by the quantity, nor require the laborious
effort of thought to comprehend. The jolly _bon-vivant_ and Bacchanal
will find abundance of the latest songs, toasts, and sentiments; and the
Would-be-Wit will meet with Joe Miller in such an endless variety of
new dresses, shapes, and sizes, that he may fancy he possesses all the
collected wit of ages brought down to the present moment. The young
Clerical will find sermons adapted to every local circumstance, every
rank and situation in society, and may furnish himself with a complete
stock in trade of sound orthodox divinity; while the City Epicure may
store himself with a complete library on the arts of confectionary,
cookery, &c, from Apicius, to the “Glutton's Almanack.” The Demagogue
may furnish himself with flaming patriotic speeches, ready cut and
dried, which he has only to learn by heart against the next Political
Dinner, and if he should not 'let the cat out,' by omitting to
substitute the name of Londonderry for Cæsar, he may pass off for a
second Brutus, and establish an equal claim to oratory with Burke, Pitt,
and Fox. The----”
“Auction will be over,” interrupted Bob, “before you get half through
your descriptive Catalogue of the Books, so finish your nip, and let us
be off.”
They entered, and found the Orator hard at it, knocking down with all
the energy of a Crib, and the sprightly wit of a Sheridan. Puns, bon
mots, and repartees, flew about like crackers.
“The next lot, Gentlemen, is the Picture of London,--impossible to
possess a more useful book--impossible to say what trouble and expence
may be avoided by the possession of this little volume. When your
Country Cousins pay you a visit, what a bore, what an expence, to be
day after day leading them about--taking them up the Monument--down
the Adelphi--round St. Paul's--across the ~276~~ Parks, through the new
Streets--along the Strand, or over the Docks, the whole of which may be
avoided at the expence of a few shillings. You have only to clap into
their pocket in the morning this invaluable little article, turn them
out for the day, and, if by good luck they should not fall into the
hands of sharpers and swindlers, your dear Coz will return safe home at
night, with his head full of wonders, and his pockets empty of cash!”
“The d----l,” whispered Bob, “he seems to know me, and what scent we are
upon.”
“Aye,” replied his Cousin, “he not only knows you, but he knows that
some of your cash will soon be in his pockets, and has therefore made a
dead set at you.”
“Next lot, Gentlemen, is a work to which my last observation bore some
allusion; should your friends, as I then observed, fortunately escape
the snares and dangers laid by sharpers and swindlers to entrap the
unwary, you may, perchance, see them safe after their day's ramble; but
should--aye, Gentlemen, there's the rub--should they be caught by the
numerous traps and snares laid for the Johnny Raw and Greenhorn in this
great and wicked metropolis, God knows what may become of them. Now,
Gentlemen, we have a remedy for every disease--here is the London Spy
or Stranger's Guide through the Metropolis; here all the arts, frauds,
delusions, &c. are exposed, and--Tom, give that Gentleman change for
his half crown, and deliver Lot 3.--As I was before observing,
Gentlemen--Turn out that young rascal who is making such a noise,
cracking nuts, that I can't hear the bidding.--Gentlemen, as I before
observed, if you will do me the favour of bidding me--”
“Good night, Sir,” cried a younker, who had just exploded a detonating
cracker, and was making his escape through the crowd.
“The next lot, gentlemen, is the Young Man's best Companion, and as your
humble Servant is the author, he begs to decline any panegyric--modesty
forbids it--but leaves it entirely with you to appreciate its
merits--two shillings--two and six--three shillings--three and
six--four, going for four--for you, Sir, at four.”
“Me, Sir! Lord bless you, I never opened my mouth!”
“Perfectly aware of that, Sir, it was quite unnecessary--I could read
your intention in your eye--and observed the muscle of the mouth, call'd
by anatomists the
~277~~ _zygomaticus major_, in the act of moving. I should have been
dull not to have noticed it--and rude not to have saved you the
trouble of speaking: Tom, deliver the Gentleman the lot, and take four
shillings.”
“Well, Sir, I certainly feel flattered with your acute and polite
attention, and can do no less than profit by it--so hand up the
lot--cheap enough, God knows.”
“And pray,” said Dashall to his Cousin as they quitted, “what do you
intend doing with all your purchases? why it will require a waggon to
remove them.”
“O, I shall send the whole down to Belville Hall: our friends there will
be furnished with a rare stock of entertainment during the long winter
evenings, and no present I could offer would be half so acceptable.”
“Well,” remarked Mortimer, “you bid away bravely, and frequently in your
eagerness advanced on yourself: at some sales you would have paid dearly
for this; but here no advantage was taken, the mistake was explained,
and the bidding declined in the most fair and honourable manner. I have
often made considerable purchases, and never yet had reason to repent,
which is saying much; for if I inadvertently bid for, and had a lot
knocked down to me, which I afterwards disliked, I always found an
acquaintance glad to take it off my hands at the cost, and in several
instances have sold or exchanged to considerable advantage. One thing I
am sorry we overlooked: a paper entitled, “Seven Reasons,” is generally
distributed during the Sale, and more cogent reasons I assure you could
not be assigned, both for purchasing and reading in general, had the
seven wise men of Greece drawn them up. You may at any time procure a
copy, and it will furnish you with an apology for the manner in which
you have spent your time and money, for at least one hour, during your
abode in London.”
Please, Sir, to buy a ha'porth of matches, said a poor, squalid little
child without a shoe to her foot, who was running by the side of
Bob--it's the last ha'porth, Sir, and I must sell them before I go home.
This address was uttered in so piteous a tone, that it could not well be
passed unheeded.
“Why,” said Tallyho, “as well as Bibles and Schools for all, London
seems to have a match for every body.”
“Forty a penny, Spring-radishes,” said a lusty bawling ~278~~ fellow as
he passed, in a voice so loud and strong, as to form a complete contrast