Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
restored to their former state of conversation; each party appearing
distinct, indulged in such observations and remarks as were most
suitable or agreeable to themselves.
Bob was highly pleased with this description of a milling match; and as
the Singer was sitting near the person who had excited a considerable
portion of his attention at intervals in watching his tricks, in some of
which great ingenuity was displayed, he asked his Cousin if he knew him.
“Know him,” replied Tom, “to be sure I do; that is no other than Bitton,
a well-known pugilist, who frequently exhibits at the Fives-Court; he is
a Jew, and employs his time in giving lessons.”
“Zounds!” said Mortimer, “he seems to have studied the art of
Legerdemain as well as the science of Milling.”
“He is an old customer here,” said a little Gentleman at the opposite
side of the table, drawing from his pocket a box of segars{1}--“Now,
Sir,” continued he, “if you wish for a treat,” addressing himself to
Tallyho, “allow me to select you one--there, Sir, is asgar like a
nosegay--I had it from a friend of mine who only arrived yesterday--you
don't often meet with such, I assure you.”
Bob accepted the offer, and was in the act of lighting it, when Bitton
approached toward their end of the room with some cards in his hand,
from which Bob began to anticipate he would shew some tricks upon them.
As soon as he came near the table, he had his eye upon the Hon. Tom
Dashall, to whom he introduced 'himself by the presentation of a card,
which announced his benefit for the next week at the Fives-Court, when
all the prime lads of the ring had promised to exhibit.
“Egad!” said Dashall, “it will be an excellent opportunity--what, will
you take a trip that way and see the mighty men of fist?”
“With all my heart,” said Tallyho.
“And mine too,” exclaimed Mortimer.
It was therefore quickly determined, and each of the party being
supplied with a ticket, Bitton canvassed the room for other customers,
after which he again retired to his seat.
“Come,” said a smartly dressed Gentleman in a white hat, “we have heard
a song from the other end of the room, I hope we shall be able to muster
one here.”
1 This gentleman, whose dress and appearance indicate
something of the Dandy, is a resident in Mark Lane, and
usually spends his evening at the Round Table, where he
appears to pride himself upon producing the finest segars
that can be procured, and generally affords some of his
friends an opportunity of proving them deserving the
recommendations with which he never fails to present them.
This proposition was received with applause, and, upon Tom's giving a
hint, Frank Harry was called upon--the glasses were filled, a toast was
given, and the bowl was dispatched for a replenish; he then sung
the following Song, accompanied with voice, manner, and action, well
calculated to rivet attention and obtain applause:
PIGGISH PROPENSITIES,
THE BUMPKIN IN TOWN.
“A Bumpkin to London one morning in Spring,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la,
Took a fat pig to market, his leg in a string,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
The clown drove him forward, while piggy, good lack!
Lik'd his old home so well, he still tried to run back--
(Spoken)--Coome, coome (said the Bumpkin to himself,) Lunnun is the
grand mart for every thing; there they have their Auction Marts, their
Coffee Marts, and their Linen Marts: and as they are fond of a tid-bit
of country pork, I see no reason why they should not have” a Pork and
Bacon Mart--so get on (pig grunts,) I am glad to hear you have a voice
on the subject, though it seems not quite in tune with my
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la.
It chanc'd on the road they'd a dreadful disaster,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
The grunter ran back 'twixt the legs of his master,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
The Bumpkin he came to the ground in a crack,
And the pig, getting loose, he ran all the way back!
(Spoken)--Hallo, (said the clown, scrambling up again, and scratching
his broken head,) to be sure I have heard of sleight-of-hand,
hocus-pocus and sich like; but by gum this here be a new manouvre
called sleight of legs; however as no boanes be broken between us, I'll
endeavour to make use on 'em once more in following the game in view: so
here goes, with a
Hey derry, ho derry, &c.
He set off again with his pig in a rope,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la,
Reach'd London, and now for good sale 'gan to hope
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
But the pig, being beat 'till his bones were quite sore.
Turning restive, rush'd in at a brandy-shop door.
(Spoken)--The genteeler and politer part of the world might feel a
little inclined to call this piggish behaviour; but certainly after a
long and fatiguing journey, nothing can be more refreshing than a _drap
of the cratur_; and deeming this the regular mart for the good stuff, in
he bolts, leaving his master to sing as long as he pleased--Hey derry,
he deny, &c.
Here three snuffy Tabbies he put to the rout,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai lft,
With three drams to the quartern, that moment serv'd
out,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
The pig gave a grunt, and the clown gave a roar,
When the whole of the party lay flat on the floor!
(Spoken)--Yes, there they lay all of a lump; and a precious group there
was of them: The old women, well prun'd with snuff and twopenny, and
bang-up with gin and bitters--the fair ones squalled; the clown growled
like a bear with a broken head; the landlord, seeing all that could be
seen as they roll'd over each other, stared, like a stuck pig! while
this grand chorus of soft and sweet voices from the swinish multitude
was accompanied by the pig with his usual grunt, and a
Hey derry, ho derry, &o.
The pig soon arose, and the door open flew,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la,
When this scrambling group was expos'd to my view,
Hey deny, ho derry, fal de ral la;
He set off again, without waiting for Jack,
And not liking London, ran all the way back!
(Spoken)--The devil take the pig! (said the Bumpkin) he is more trouble
than enough. “The devil take you (said Miss Sukey Snuffle) for you are
the greatest hog of the two; I dare say, if the truth was known, you are
brothers.”--“I declare I never was so exposed in all my life (said Miss
Delia Doldrum.) There's my beautiful bloom petticoat, that never was
rumpled before in all my life--I'm quite shock'd!”--“Never mind, (said
the landlord) nobody cares about it; tho' I confess it was a shocking
affair.”--'I wish he and his pigs were in the horse-pond (continued she,
endeavouring to hide her blushes with her hand)--Oh my--oh my!'--“What?”
(said Boniface)--'Oh, my elbow! (squall'd out Miss Emilia Mumble) I am
sure I shall never get over it.'--“Oh yes you will (continued he) rise
again, cheer your spirits with another drop of old Tom, and you'll soon
be able to sing
Hey derry, ho derry, &c.
By mutual consent the old women all swore,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la,
That the clown was a brute, and his pig was a boar,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
He paid for their liquor, but grumbled, good lack,
Without money or pig to gang all the way back.
(Spoken)--By gum (said he to himself, as he turn'd from the door) if the
Lunneners likes country pork, country pork doant seem to like they; and
if this be the success I'm to expect in this mighty great town in search
of the Grand Mart, I'll come no more, for I thinks as how its all a
flax; therefore I'll make myself contented to set at home in my own
chimney corner in the country, and sing
Hey derry, ho derry, &c.
This song had attracted the attention of almost every one in the room;
there was a spirit and vivacity in the singer, combined with a power of
abruptly changing his voice, to give effect to the different passages,
and a knowledge of music as well as of character, which gave it an
irresistible charm; and the company, who had assembled round him, at the
close signified their approbation by a universal shout of applause.
All went on well--songs, toasts and sentiments--punch, puns and
witticisms, were handed about in abundance; in the mean time, the
room began to wear an appearance of thinness, many of the boxes were
completely deserted, and the Knights of the Bound Table were no
longer surrounded by their Esquires--still the joys of the bowl were
exhilarating, and the conversation agreeable, though at times a little
more in a strain of vociferation than had been manifested at the
entrance of our party. It was no time to ask questions as to the names
and occupations of the persons by whom he was surrounded; and Bob,
plainly perceiving Frank Harry was getting into Queer Street, very
prudently declined all interrogatories for the present, making, however,
a determination within himself to know more of the house and the
company.
Mortimer also discovered symptoms of lush-logic, for though he had an
inclination to keep up the chaff, his dictionary appeared to be new
modelled, and his lingo abridged by repeated clips at his mother tongue,
by which he afforded considerable food for laughter.
Perceiving this, Tallyho thought it prudent to give his Cousin a hint,
which was immediately taken, and the party broke up.~292~~
CHAPTER XIX
“O there are swilling wights in London town
Term'd jolly dogs--choice spirits--alias swine,
Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down,
Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine.
These spendthrifts, who life's pleasures thus outrun,
Dosing with head-aches till the afternoon,
Lose half men's regular estate of Sun,
By borrowing too largely of the Moon:
And being Bacchi plenus--full of wine--
Although they have a tolerable notion
Of aiming at progressive motion,
Tis not direct, 'tis rather serpentine.”
UPON leaving the house, it was quickly discovered that Mortimer was at
sea without a rudder or compass, but was still enabled to preserve the
true line of beauty, which is said to be in a flowing curve; Merry well
was magnanimous, Frank Harry moppy, and all of them rather muggy. Harry
was going Eastward, and the remainder of the party Westward; it was
half-past one in the morning--the weather had cleared up as their brains
had been getting foggy.
Tom proposed a rattler.
Frank Harry swore by the Bacchanalian divinity they might ride in
the rumble-tumble if they liked, but none of it for him, and began to
stammer out
How sweet in--the--wood-lands
Wi--ith ii--eet hound--and horn--
To awaken--shrill--[hiccup)--echo,
And taste the--(hiccup)--fresh morn.
During this time, having turned to the right on leaving the Woolpack,
instead of the left, they were pursuing their way down Gracechurch
Street, in a line with London Bridge, without discovering their mistake;
nor were ~293~~ they aware of the situation they were in till they
reached the Monument.
“Zounds!” said Tom, “we are all wrong here.”
“All right,” said Merrywell--“all right, my boys--go it, my kidwhys.”
Bob hearing his Cousin's exclamation, began to make enquiries.
“Never mind,” said Tom, “we shall get housed presently--I have it--I