Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
on board one of the Gravesend boats. The confusion that followed is
scarcely to be conceived--the agitation of Talt who at hearing the
vociferated lamentations of the Irish woman--the spluttering of the
disconcerted Dandy--the declaration of the owner of the shrimps, “that
so help her God he should pay for her property”--the loud laughter of
those around them, who appeared to enjoy the embarrassment of the whole
party--and the shrimps hopping and jumping about amid the dirt and slush
of the pavement, while the Ladies were hunting those which had fallen
into the bosom of their conductor--formed a scene altogether, which,
in spite of the confusion of his Cousin, almost convulsed the Hon. Tom
Dashall with laughter, and which served but to increase the rancour of
the owner of the shrimps, and the poor toe-suffering Irishwoman, the
execrations of the Dandy Gentleman and his Ladies, and the miseries of
poor Bob; to escape from which, he gave the Hibernian and her employer
enough to purchase plaster for the one, and a fresh cargo for the other,
and seizing Tom by the arm, dragged him away from the scene of his
misfortunes in fishery.
Their progress however was presently impeded by a sudden scream, which
appeared to come from a female, and .drew together almost all the people
on the spot, it seemed as if it had been a preconcerted signal for a
general muster, and it was quickly ascertained that fisty-cuffs were the
order of the day, by the vociferations of the spectators, and the loud
acclamations of “Go it, Poll--pitch it into her--mill her snitcher--veil
done, Sail--all pluck--game to the back-bone--peppermint her
upper-story, and grapple her knowledge-box--D------n my eyes, but that
vas a good one, it ~299~~ has altered her weather-cock and shifted her
wind--There's your dairies--stand out of the way--Upon my sole you have
overturned all my flounders--D------n you and your dabbs too.”
Tom and Bob took up a favourable position for observation at the corner
of a fish-stall, where they could quietly witness the combatants, and
take a general survey of the proceedings.
“Now,” said Tom, “here is a lark for you, a female fight.”
“Fine salmon, or cod, Gentlemen,” said an elderly woman--“I wish I could
tempt you to be customers.”
“Well,” said Bob, “they are at it in good earnest.”
“O yes,” said the woman, “we always have it in real earnest, no sham--I
wish Poll may sarve her out, for Sall is a d------d saucy b------h at
all times.”
“And what have they quarrelled about?” inquired Dashall.
“Jealousy, Sir, nothing else; that there man in the night-cap, with the
red ruff round his neck, is Sail's fancy man, and he sometimes lets
her have a cargo of fish for services done and performed, you
understand--and so Sail she comes down this morning, and she finds Poll
having a phililoo with him, that's all; but I wish they would go and
have it out somewhere else, for it spoils all business--Nance, go and
get us a quartern of Jacky, that I may ax these Gentlemen to drink, for
its a cold morning, and perhaps they are not used to be up so early.”
Tom saw the drift of this in a moment, and taking the hint, supplied the
needful to Nance, who was dispatched for the heart-cheering beverage,
which they could perceive was in high reputation by those around them.
The effluvia of the fish, the fumes of tobacco, and the reviving
scent of the gin-bottle, rendered their olfactory salutations truly
delightful. Nor could they escape the Fish-wife without becoming
participators in the half pint of blue ruin.
“Come,” said Tom, “we will now stroll a little further, and take a
survey of the street; but first we will give a look here.
“This,” said he, “is the Custom House, a splendid building recently
erected, in consequence of the old one being demolished by fire in
1814.” ~300~~ “It is, indeed,” replied Bob, admiring the south front,
which is executed in Portland stone.
“Do you observe,” continued Tom, “the central compartment, which
comprises what is called the Long Room, and which we will visit
presently, is quite plain, except the attic, which is elegantly
ornamented?--that alto-relievo contains allegorical representations of
the arts and sciences, as connected with and promoting the commerce
and industry of the nation--that to the west, a representation of
the costume and character of the various nations with whom we hold
intercourse in our commercial relations--in the centre, under the large
massive dial-plate, are inscribed in large bronze letters the names of
the founders and the date of its erection--the figures which support
the dial in a recumbent position are emblematical of industry and
plenty--that bold projection in the centre, gives a suitable character
to the King's warehouse, and forms an appropriate support to the
imperial arms upheld by the attributes of Ocean and Commerce.”
Bob gazed with admiration and delight on this truly admirable and
extensive pile of national architecture; the gentle breeze from the
river, the occasional dash of the oar, and the activity which appeared
on board the different vessels; together with the view of London Bridge
on one side, over which he could perceive pedestrians and vehicles
of various kinds passing and repassing, and the Tower on the other,
conspired to heighten and give a most imposing effect to the scene.
“The designs,” said Tallyho, “are truly creditable to the taste and
science of the architect.”
“And this Quay in front, is intended to be enlarged by filling up a part
of the river; besides which, a new wall and quay are to be formed from
the Tower to Billingsgate, and numerous other improvements are projected
in the contiguous streets and lanes.” “Not before it is necessary,” was
the reply. “It would be impossible,” continued Dashall, “to visit all
the apartments this building contains; we will however have a look
at the Long Room, and as we proceed I will endeavour to give you some
further information. We are now entering the East wing, which is a
counterpart of that on the West, having like this a grand stair-case
with a double flight of steps, which conduct to a lobby at each end
of the long room, lighted by ~301~~ these vertical lantern-lights, the
ceilings being perforated in square compartments, and glazed. These
lobbies serve to check the great draughts of air which would otherwise
flow through the room if it opened directly from the stair-case.”
They now entered the Long Room, the imposing appearance of which had its
due effect upon Tallyho.
“Bless me!” cried he in a state of ecstasy, “this is a room to boast of
indeed.”
“Yes,” replied his Cousin, “there is not such another room in Europe; it
is 190 feet long by 66 wide, and proportionably high, divided into
three compartments by these eight massive pillars, from which, as you
perceive, spring the three domes, which are so richly ornamented, and
ventilated through the centre of each.”
“And all of stone?” inquired Bob.
“Not exactly so,” was the reply; “the floor (excepting the situation
of the officers and clerks) is of stone, but the walls and ceilings are
drawn out and tinted in imitation.”
“And what are these antique pedestals for, merely ornaments?”
Tom was pleased at this inquiry, and with a smile of satisfaction
replied--“No, these pedestals do double duty, and are something like
what the rural poet, Goldsmith, describes in his _Deserted Village_--
“The chest contriv'd a double debt to pay,
A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day.”
These are ornamental during the summer, but useful in the winter; they
contain fire-places completely hid from view.”
“Fire-places,” re-echoed Bob.
“Yes,” continued his Cousin; “the smoke, descending, passes through the
piers on each side, and by their means a sufficient warmth is at all
times kept up in the room.”
“That is a capital contrivance,” said Tallyho.
“Then, to prevent the possibility of sustaining any serious injury from
fire, on the ground, one and two pair stories, the communication is cut
off by means of iron doors, which run on wheels in chase in the centre
of the walls, and are moved backward and forward by a windlass;
which doors are closed every evening, and would effectually prevent
a communication beyond their boundaries. Fire-proof rooms also, as
repositories for valuable books ~302~~ and papers, are provided on each
floor, where the important documents of the establishment are deposited
every evening, and removed in trunks to the respective offices. There
are in all 121 rooms devoted to various offices. This however is the
principal: here the general business is transacted, particularly for all
foreign concerns, both inwards and outwards. The Ship Master first makes
the report of the cargo here; the entries of which, either for payment
of duties, warehousing, or subsequent exportation, are all passed with
the respective officers in this room. The business of the customs is
managed by nine Commissioners, whose jurisdiction extends over all
parts of England. We will now pass out at the west wing, adjourn to yon
Tavern, refresh and refit, and after which a further walk.”
“With all my heart,” said Tallyho.
“What ho, Master B------,” said Dashall, saluting the Landlord as he
entered the Tavern--“How does the world wag with you?--send us some soda
water--the newspaper--let somebody clean our boots--give us pen, ink and
paper, and prepare us some breakfast with all speed, but no fish, mind
that.”
The Landlord bowed assent to his honourable customer; and by the time
they were ready, their orders were complied with.
“Pray,” inquired Dashall of the obliging Landlord, who came in to ask if
they were supplied with all they wished for, “did you ever recover any
thing from that dashing Blade that so obligingly ordered his dinner
here?”
“Never got a halfpenny--no no, he was not one of those sort of
gentry--nor do I ever wish to see such again in my house.”
This was uttered in a tone of discontent, which evidently shewed he had
no relish for the conversation.
Dashall could not refrain from laughter; upon perceiving which, the
Landlord withdrew with a loud slam of the door, and left his customers
to enjoy their mirth.
“What are you laughing at?” cried Bob.
“Why,” continued his Cousin,
“There was, as fame reports, in days of yore,
At least some fifty years ago, or more,
A pleasant wight on town----”
~303~~ And there are many pleasant fellows now to be met with; but you
shall have the tale as I had it: This house has been celebrated for
furnishing excellent dinners, and the cookery of fish in particular;
consequently it has been the resort of the Bucks, the Bloods, and the
dashing Swells of the town, and I myself have been well entertained
here. It will therefore not be wondered at that its accommodations
should attract the notice of a Sharper whose name and character were
well known, but who was in person a total stranger to the unsuspecting
Landlord, whom however he did not fail to visit.
Calling one afternoon for the purpose of seeing how the land lay, in
high twig, and fashionably dressed, he was supplied with a bottle of
sherry, and requested the landlord to take a part with him--praised the
wine, talked of the celebrity of his house for fish, and gave an order
for a dinner for sixteen friends during the following week. The bait was
swallowed,
“For a little flattery is sometimes well.”
'But are your wines of the first quality? (inquired the visitor;) for
good eating, you know, deserves good drinking, and without that we shall
be like fishes out of water.'--' Oh, Sir, no man in London can supply
you better than myself (was the reply;) but, if you please, you shall