Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
“Sin will pluck on sin.”
They seem to have no alternative, but that of continuing in the practice
which they once too fatally begun, in which the major part of them end a
short life of debauchery and wretchedness.
“Exposed to the rude insults of the inebriated and the vulgar--the
impositions of brutal officers and watchmen--to the chilling blasts of
the night during the most inclement weather, in thin apparel, partly in
compliance with the fashion of the day, but more frequently from the
~370~~ Pawnbroker's shop rendering their necessary garments
inaccessible, diseases (where their unhappy vocation does not produce
them) are thus generated.
“Many are the gradations from the highest degree of prostitution down
to the trulls that parade the streets by day, and one or two more
steps still include those who keep out all night. Some of the miserable
inhabitants of this quarter are night-birds, who seldom leave their beds
during the day, except to refresh themselves with a drop of Old Tom; but
as the evening approaches, their business commences, when you will see
them decked out like fine ladies, for there are _coves of cases_,{1} and
others in the vicinity of the Theatres, who live by letting out dresses
for the evening, where they may be accommodated from a camesa{2} to a
richly embroidered full-dress court suit, under the care of spies, who
are upon the look-out that they don't brush off with the stock. Others,
again, are boarded and lodged by the owners of houses of ill-fame, kept
as dirty and as ragged as beggars all day, but who,
“Dress'd out at night, cut a figure.”
It however not unfrequently happens to those unhappy Girls who have not
been successful in their pursuits, and do not bring home with them the
wages of their prostitution, that they are sent to bed without supper,
and sometimes get a good beating into the bargain; besides which, the
Mistress of the house takes care to search them immediately after they
are left by their gallants, by which means they are deprived of every
shilling.”
Approaching the City, they espied a crowd of persons assembled together
round the door of Money the perfumer. Upon inquiring, a species of
depreciation was exposed, which had not yet come under their view.
It appeared that a note, purporting to come from a gentleman at the
Tavistock Hotel, desiring Mr. Money to wait on him to take measure of
his cranium for a fashionable peruke, had drawn him from home, and that
during his absence, a lad, in breathless haste, as if dispatched by the
principal, entered the shop, stating that Sir. Money wanted a wig which
was in the window, with some combs and hair-brushes, for the Gentleman's
inspection, and also a pot of his Circassian cream. The bait took, the
articles
1 Coves of cases--Keepers of houses of ill fame.
2 Camesa--A shirt or shift.
~371~~ were packed up, and the wily cheat had made good his retreat
before the return of the coiffeur, who was not pleased with being
seduced from his home by a hoaxing letter, and less satisfied to find
that his property was diminished in his absence by the successful
artifices of a designing villain. This tale having got wind in the
neighbourhood, persons were flocking round him to advise as to the mode
of pursuit, and many were entertaining each other by relations of a
similar nature; but our heroes having their friend Merrywell in view (or
rather his interest) made the best of their way to the Lock-up-house.
CHAPTER XXIII
“The world its trite opinion holds of those
That in a world apart these bars enclose;
And thus methinks some sage, whose wisdom frames
Old saws anew, complacently exclaims,
Debt is like death--it levels all degrees;
Their prey with death's fell grasp the bailiffs seize.”
ON entering the Lock-up House, Bob felt a few uneasy sensations at
hearing the key turned. The leary Bum-trap ushered the Gemmen up stairs,
while Tallyho was endeavouring to compose his agitated spirits, and
reconcile himself to the prospect before him, which, at the moment, was
not of the most cheering nature.
“What, my gay fellow,” said Merry well, “glad to see you--was just going
to scribble a line to inform you of my disaster. Zounds! you look as
melancholy as the first line of an humble petition, or the author of a
new piece the day after its damnation.”
“In truth,” replied Bob, “this is no place to inspire a man with high
spirits.”
“That's as it may be,” rejoined Merry well; “a man with money in his
pocket may see as much Real Life in London within these walls as those
who ramble at large through the mazes of what is termed liberty.”
“But,” continued Tom, “it must be admitted that the views are more
limited.”
“By no means,” was the reply. “Here a man is at perfect liberty to
contemplate and cogitate without fear of being agitated. Here he may
trace over past recollections, and enjoy future anticipations free from
the noise and bustle of crowded streets, or the fatigue of attending
fashionable routs, balls, and assemblies. Besides which, it forms so
important a part of Life in London, that few without a residence in
a place of this kind can imagine its utility. It invigorates genius,
concentrates ingenuity, and stimulates invention.”
~373~~ “Hey dey!” said Tallyho, looking out of the window, and
perceiving a dashing tandem draw up to the door--“who have we here? some
high company, no doubt.”
“Yes, you are right; that man in the great coat, who manages his cattle
with such dexterity, is no other than the king of the castle. He is
the major domo, or, in other words, the Bailiff himself. That short,
stout-looking man in boots and buckskins, is his assistant, vulgarly
called his Bum.{1} The other is a Gentleman desirous of lodging in
a genteel neighbourhood, and is recommended by them to take up his
residence here.”
“What,” inquired Bob, “do Bailiffs drive gigs and tandems?”
“To be sure they do,” was the reply; “formerly they were low-bred
fellows, who would undertake any dirty business for a maintenance, as
you will see them represented in the old prints and caricatures, muffled
up in Îreat coats, and carrying bludgeons; but, in present Real life,
you will find them quite the reverse, unless they find it necessary
to assume a disguise in order to nibble a queer cove who proves shy of
their company'; but among Gentlemen, none are so stylish, and at the
same time so accommodating--you are served with the process in a
private and elegant way, and if not convenient to come to an immediate
arrangement, a gig is ready in the highest taste, to convey you from
your habitation to your place of retirement, and you may pass through
the most crowded streets of the city, and recognise your friends,
without fear of suspicion. Upon some occasions, they will also carry
their politeness so far as to inform an individual he will be wanted
on such a day, and must come--a circumstance which has the effect of
preventing any person from knowing the period of departure, or the place
of destination; consequently, the arrested party is gone out of town for
a few days, and the matter all blows over without any injury sustained.
This is the third time since I have been in the house that the tandem
has started from the door, and returned with a new importation.”
By this time, the gig having been discharged of its cargo, was
reascended by the Master and his man, and bowl'd off again in gay style
for the further accommodation of fashionable friends, whose society was
in such high
1 See Bum-trap), page 166.
~374~~ estimation, that no excuse or denial could avail, and who being
so urgently wanted, must come.
“'Tis a happy age we live in,” said Merry well; “the improvements are
evident enough; every thing is done with so much facility and gentility,
that even the race of bailiffs are transformed from frightful and
ferocious-looking persons to the most dashing, polite and accommodating
characters in the world. He however, like others, must have his
assistant, and occasional substitute.
“A man in this happy era is really of no use whatever to himself. It
is a principle on which every body, that is any body, acts, that no one
should do any thing for himself, if he can procure another to do it for
him. Accordingly, there is hardly the most simple performance in nature
for the more easy execution of which an operator or machine of some
kind' or other is not employed or invented; and a man who has had the
misfortune to lose, or chuses not to use any of his limbs or senses,
may meet with people ready to perform all their functions for him, from
paring his nails and cutting his corns, to forming an opinion. No man
cleans his own teeth who can afford to pay a dentist; and hundreds get
their livelihood by shaving the chins and combing the hair of their
neighbours, though many, it must be admitted, comb their neighbour's
locks for nothing. The powers of man and the elements of nature even are
set aside, the use of limbs and air being both superseded by steam; in
short, every thing is done by proxy--death not excepted, for we are told
that our soldiers and sailors die for us. Marriage in certain ranks is
on this footing. A prince marries by proxy, and sometimes lives for
ever after as if he thought all the obligations of wedlock were to be
performed in a similar manner. A nobleman, it is true, will here take
the trouble to officiate in the first instance in person; but there are
plenty of cases to shew that nothing is further from his noble mind than
the idea of continuing his slavery, while others can be found to take
the labour off his hands. So numerous are the royal roads to every
desideratum, and so averse is every true gentleman from doing any thing
for himself, that it is to be dreaded lest it should grow impolite to
chew one's own victuals; and we are aware that there are great numbers
who, not getting their share of Heaven's provision, may be said to
submit to have their food eat for them.”
~375~~ Tallyho laugh'd, and Dashall signified his assent to the
whimsical observations of Merrywell, by a shrug of the shoulders and an
approving smile.
“Apropos,” said Merrywell--“what is the news of our friend Sparkle?”
“O, (replied Tom) he is for trying a chance in the Lottery of Life, and
has perhaps by this time gained the prize of Matrimony:{1} but what part
of the globe he inhabits it is impossible for me to say--however, he is
with Miss Mortimer probably on the road to Gretna.”
“Success to his enterprise,” continued Merrywell; “and if they are
destined to travel through life together, may they have thumping luck
and pretty children. Marriage to some is a bitter cup of continued
misery--may the reverse be his lot.”
“Amen,” responded Dashall.
“By the way,” said Merrywell, “I hope you will favour me with your
company for the afternoon, and I doubt not we shall start some game
within these walls well worthy of pursuit; and as I intend to remove to
more commodious apartments within a day or two, I shall certainly expect
to have a visit from you during my abode in the county of Surrey.”
“Going to College?” inquired Tom.
“Yes; I am off upon a sporting excursion for a month or two, and I
have an idea of making it yield both pleasure and profit. An occasional
residence in Abbot's Park is one of the necessary measures for the
completion of a Real Life in London education. It is a fashionable
retreat absolutely necessary, and therefore I have voluntarily
determined upon it. What rare advice a young man may pick up in the
precincts of the Fleet and
1 It has often been said figuratively, that marriage is a lottery; but
we do not recollect to have met with a practical illustration of the