Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
truth of the simile before the following, which is a free translation of
an Advertisement in the Louisiana Gazette:--
“A young man of good figure and disposition, unable though
“desirous to procure a Wife without the preliminary trouble of
“amassing a fortune, proposes the following expedient to obtain the
“object of his wishes:--He offers himself as the prize of a Lottery
“to all Widows and Virgins under 32: the number of tickets to be
“600 at 50 dollars each; but one number to be drawn from the
“wheel, the fortunate proprietor of which is to be entitled to
“himself and the 30,000 dollars.”--New York, America.
~376~~ the King's Bench! He may soon learn the art of sharp-shooting and
skirmishing.”
“And pray,” says Tallyho, “what do you term skirmishing?”
“I will tell you,” was the reply. “When you have got as deeply in debt
every where as you can, you may still remain on the town as a Sunday-man
for a brace of years, and with good management perhaps longer. Next
you may toddle off to Scotland for another twelvemonth, and live in the
sanctuary of Holyrood House, after seeing the North, where writs will
not arrive in time to touch you. When tired of this, and in debt even in
the sanctuary, and when you have worn out all your friends by borrowing
of them to support you in style there, you can brush off on a Sunday to
the Isle of Man, where you are sure to meet a parcel of blades who will
be glad of your company if you are but a pleasant fellow. Here you may
live awhile upon them, and get in debt (if you can, for the Manx-men
have very little faith,) in the Island. From this, you must lastly
effect your escape in an open boat, and make your appearance in London
as a new face. Here you will find some flats of your acquaintance very
glad to see you, even if you are indebted to them, from the pleasures
of recollection accruing from past scenes of jollity and merriment.
You must be sure to amuse them with a good tale of a law-suit, or the
declining health of a rich old Uncle, from either of which you are
certain of deriving a second fortune. Now manage to get arrested, and
you will find some, who believe your story, ready to bail you. You can
then put off these actions for two years more, and afterwards make a
virtue of surrendering yourself in order to relieve your friends, who of
course will begin to be alarmed, and feel so grateful for this supposed
mark of propriety, that they will support you for a while in prison,
until you get white-washed. In all this experience, and with such a long
list of acquaintances, it will be hard if some will not give you a lift
at getting over your difficulties. Then you start again as a nominal
Land-surveyor, Money-scrivener, Horse-dealer, or as a Sleeping-partner
in some mercantile concern--such, for instance, as coals, wine, &c. Your
popularity and extensive acquaintance will get your Partner a number
of customers, and then if you don't succeed, you have only to become a
Bankrupt, secure your certificate, and start free again in some other
line. Then ~377~~ there are other good chances, for a man may marry once
or twice. Old or sickly women are best suited for the purpose, and their
fortunes will help you for a year or two at least, if only a thousand or
two pounds. Lastly, make up a purse» laugh at the flats, and finish on
the Continent.”
“Very animated description indeed,” cried Dashall, “and salutary advice,
truly.”
“Too good to be lost,” continued Merrywell.
“And yet rather too frequently acted on, it is to be feared.”
“Probably so--”
“But mark me, this is fancy's sketch,” and may perhaps appear a little
too highly coloured; but if you remain with me, we will clip deeper into
the reality of the subject by a little information from the official
personage himself, who holds dominion over these premises; and we may
perhaps also find some agreeable and intelligent company in his house.”
This proposition being agreed to, and directions given accordingly by
Merrywell to prepare dinner, our party gave loose to opinions of life,
observations on men and mariners, exactly as they presented themselves
to the imagination of each speaker, and Merrywell evidently proved
himself a close observer of character.
“Places like this,” said he, “are generally inhabited by the profligate
of fashion, the ingenious artist, or the plodding mechanic. The first
is one who cares not who suffers, so he obtains a discharge from his
incumberances: having figured away for some time in the labyrinths of
folly and extravagance, till finding the needful run taper, he yields
to John Doe and Richard Roe as a matter of course, passes through his
degrees in the study of the laws by retiring to the Fleet or King's
Bench, and returns to the world with a clean face, and an increased
stock of information to continue his career. The second are men who
have heads to contrive and hands to execute improvements in scientific
pursuits, probably exhausting their time, their health, and their
property, in the completion of their projects, but who are impeded in
their progress, and compelled to finish their intentions in durance
vile, by the rapacity of their creditors. And the last are persons
subjected to all the casualties of trade and the arts of the former, and
unable to meet the peremptory demands of ~378~~ those they are indebted
to; but they seldom inhabit these places long, unless they can pay
well for their accommodations. Money is therefore as useful in a
lock-up-house or a prison as in any other situation of life.
“Money, with the generality of people, is every thing; it is the
universal Talisman; there is magic in its very name. It ameliorates all
the miserable circumstances of life, and the sound of it may almost be
termed life itself. It is the balm, the comfort, and the restorative.
It must indeed be truly mortifying to the opulent, to observe that the
attachment of their dependents, and even the apparent esteem of their
friends, arises from the respect paid to riches. The vulgar herd bow
with reverence and respect before the wealthy; but it is in fact
the money, and not the individual, which they worship. Doubtless, a
philosophic Tallow-chandler would hasten from the contemplation of the
starry heavens to vend a farthing rushlight; and it therefore cannot
be wondered at that the Sheriffs-officer, who serves you with a writ
because you have not money enough to discharge the just demands against
you, should determine at least to get as much as he can out of you, and,
when he finds your resources exhausted, that he should remove you to the
common receptacle of debtors; which however cannot be done to your own
satisfaction without some money; for if you wish a particular place of
residence, or the most trifling accommodation, there are fees to pay,
even on entering a prison.”
“In that case then,” said Tallyho, “a man is actually obliged to pay for
going to a prison.”
“Precisely so, unless he is willing to mingle with the very lowest order
of society. But come, we will walk into the Coffee-room, and take a view
of the inmates.”
Upon entering this, which was a small dark room, they heard a great
number of voices, and in one corner found several of the prisoners
surrounding a Bagatelle-board, and playing for porter, ale, &c; in
another corner was a young man in close conversation with an
Attorney; and a little further distant, was a hard-featured man taking
instructions from the Turnkey how to act. Here was a poor Player, who
declared he would take the benefit of the Act, and afterwards take a
benefit at the Theatre to reestablish himself. There a Poet racking
his imagination, and roving amidst the flowers of fancy, giving a few
touches by way of finish to an Ode to Liberty, with the ~379~~ produce
of which he indulged himself in a hope of obtaining the subject of his
Muse. The conversation was of a mingled nature. The vociferations of the
Bagatelle-players--the whispers of the Attorney and his Client--and the
declarations of the prisoner to the Turnkey, “That he would be d------d
if he did not sarve 'em out, and floor the whole boiling of them,”
were now and then interrupted by the notes of a violin playing the most
lively airs in an animated and tasteful style. The Performer however was
not visible, but appeared to be so near, that Merrywell, who was a great
lover of music, beckoned his friends to follow him. They now entered a
small yard at the back of the house, the usual promenade of those who
resided in it, and found the Musician seated on one of the benches,
which were continued nearly round the yard, and which of itself formed
a panorama of rural scenery. Here was the bubbling cascade and the lofty
fountain--there the shady grove of majestic poplars, and the meandering
stream glittering in the resplendent lustre of a rising sun. The waving
foliage however and the bubbling fountain were not to be seen or heard,
(as these beauties were only to be contemplated in the labours of the
painter;) but to make up for the absence of these with the harmony
of the birds and the ripplings of the stream, the Musician was
endeavouring, like an Arcadian shepherd with his pipe, to make the
woods resound with the notes of his fiddle, surrounded by some of his
fellow-prisoners, who did not fail to applaud his skill and reward his
kindness, by supplying him with rosin, as they termed it, which was by
handing him the heavy-wet as often as they found his elbow at rest. In
one place was to be seen a Butcher, who upon his capture was visited by
his wife with a child in her arms, upon whom the melody seemed to have
no effect. She was an interesting and delicate-looking woman, whose
agitation of spirits upon so melancholy an occasion were evidenced by
streaming tears from a pair of lovely dark eyes; and the Butcher, as
evidently forgetful of his usual calling, was sympathising with, and
endeavouring to soothe her into composure, and fondling the child. In
another, a person who had the appearance of an Half-pay Officer, with
Hessian boots, blue pantaloons, and a black silk handkerchief, sat with
his arms folded almost without taking notice of what was passing around
him, though a rough Sailor with a pipe in his mouth occasionally ~380~~
enlivened the scene by accompanying the notes of the Musician with a
characteristic dance, which he termed a Horn-spike.
It was a fine scene of Real Life, and after taking a few turns in the
gardens of the Lock-up or Sponging-house, they returned to Merrywell's
apartments, which they had scarcely entered, when the tandem drew up to
the door.
“More company,” said Merry well.
“And perhaps the more the merrier,” replied Tom.
“That is as it may prove,” was the reply; “for the company of this
house ace as various at times as can be met with in any other situation.
However, this appears to wear the form of one of our fashionable,
high-life Gentlemen; but appearances are often deceitful, we shall
perhaps hear more of him presently--he may turn out to be one of the
prodigals who calculate the duration of life at about ten years, that
is, to have a short life and a merry one.”
“That seems to me to be rather a short career, too,” exclaimed Bob.
“Nay, nay, that is a long calculation, for it frequently cannot be made
to last half the number. In the first place, the Pupil learns every kind
of extravagance, which he practises en maitre the two next years. These
make an end of his fortune. He lives two more on credit, established
while his property lasted. The next two years he has a letter of
licence, and contrives to live by ways and means (for he has grown
comparatively knowing.) Then he marries, and the wife has the honour
of discharging his debts, her fortune proving just sufficient for the