Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
purpose. Then he manages to live a couple of years more on credit, and
retires to one of his Majesty's prisons.”
By this time Mr. Safebind made his appearance, and with great politeness
inquired if the Gentlemen were accommodated in the way they wished?
Upon being assured of this, and requested to take a seat, after some
introductory conversation, he gave them the following account of himself
and his business:--
“We have brought nine Gemmen into the house this morning; and, though I
say it, no Gemman goes out that would have any objection to come into it
again.”
Tallyho shrugg'd up his shoulders in a way that seemed to imply a doubt.
~381~~ “For,” continued he, “a Gemman that is a Gemman shall always find
genteel treatment here. I always acts upon honour and secrecy; and if as
how a Gemman can't bring his affairs into a comfortable shape here, why
then he is convey'd away without exposure, that is, if he understands
things.”
With assurances of this kind, the veracity of which no one present could
doubt, they were entertained for some time by their loquacious Host,
who, having the gift of the gab,{1} would probably have continued long
in the same strain of important information; when dinner was placed on
the table, and they fell to with good appetites, seeming almost to have
made use of the customary grace among theatricals.{2}
“The table cleared, the frequent glass goes round, And joke and song and
merriment abound.”
“Your house,” said Dashall, “might well be termed the Temple of the
Arts, since their real votaries are so frequently its inhabitants.”
“Very true, Sir,” said Safebind, “and as the Poet observes, it is as
often graced by the presence of the devotees to the Sciences: in point
of company he says we may almost call it multum in parvo, or the Camera
Obscura of Life. There are at this time within these walls, a learned
Alchymist, two Students in Anatomy, and a Physician--a Poet, a Player,
and a Musician. The Player is an adept at mimicry, the Musician a good
player, and the Poet no bad stick at a rhyme; all anxious to turn their
talents to good account, and, when mingled together, productive
of harmony, though the situation they are in at present is rather
discordant to their feelings; but then you know 'tis said, that discord
is the soul of harmony, and they knocked up a duet among themselves
yesterday, which I thought highly amusing.”
“I am fond of music,” said Merry well--“do you think they would take a
glass of wine with us?”
1 Gift of the gab--Fluency of speech.
2 It is a very common thing among the minor theatricals,
when detained at rehearsals, &c. to adjourn to some
convenient room in the neighbourhood for refreshment, and
equally common for them to commence operations in a truly
dramatic way, by ex-claiming to each other in the language
of Shakespeare,
“Come on, Macbeth--come on, Macduff,
And d-----d be he who first cries--hold, enough.”
~382~~ “Most readily, no doubt,” was the reply. “I will introduce them
in a minute.” Thus saying, he left the room, and in a very few minutes
returned with the three votaries of Apollo, who soon joined in the
conversation upon general subjects. The Player now discovered his
loquacity; the Poet his sagacity; and the Musician his pertinacity,
for he thought no tones so good as those produced by himself, nor no
notes--we beg pardon, none but bank notes--equal to his own.
It will be sufficient for our present purpose to add, that the
bottle circulated 'quickly, and what with the songs of the Poet, the
recitations of the Player, and the notes of the Fiddler, time, which
perfects all intellectual ability, and also destroys the most stupendous
monuments of art, brought the sons of Apollo under the table, and
admonished Dashall and his Cousin to depart; which they accordingly
did, after a promise to see their friend Merry well in his intended new
quarters.~383~~
CHAPTER XXIV
“All nations boast some men of nobler mind,
Their scholars, heroes, benefactors kind:
And Britain has her share among the rest,
Of men the wisest, boldest and the best:
Yet we of knaves and fools have ample share,
And eccentricities beyond compare.
Full many a life is spent, and many a purse,
In mighty nothings, or in something worse.”
THE next scene which Tom was anxious to introduce to his Cousin's
notice was that of a Political Dinner; but while they were preparing for
departure, a letter arrived which completely satisfied the mind of the
Hon. Tom Dashall as to the motives and views of their friend Sparkle,
and ran as follows:
“Dear Dashall,
“Having rivetted the chains of matrimony on the religious anvil of
Gretna Green, I am now one of the happiest fellows in existence.
My election is crowned with success, and I venture to presume all
after-petitions will be rejected as frivolous and vexatious. The once
lovely Miss Mortimer is now the ever to be loved Mrs. Sparkle. I shall
not now detain your attention by an account of our proceedings or
adventures on the road: we shall have many more convenient opportunities
of indulging in such details when we meet, replete as I can assure you
they are with interest.
“I have written instructions to my agent in town for the immediate
disposal of my paternal estate in Wiltshire, and mean hereafter to take
up my abode on one I have recently purchased in the neighbourhood of
Belville Hall, where I anticipate many pleasurable opportunities
of seeing you and our friend Tallyho surrounding my hospitable and
(hereafter) family board. We shall be there within a month, as we mean
to reach our place of destination by easy stages, and look about us.
“Please remember me to all old friends in Town, and believe as ever,
Your's truly,
“Charles Sparkle.”
“Carlisle.”
~384 ~~ The receipt of this letter and its contents were immediately
communicated to young Mortimer, who had already received some
intelligence of a similar nature, which had the effect of allaying
apprehension and dismissing fear for his Sister's safety. The mysterious
circumstances were at once explained, and harmony was restored to the
previously agitated family.
“I am truly glad of this information,” said Tom, “and as we are at
present likely to be politically engaged, we cannot do less than take a
bumper or two after dinner, to the health and happiness of the Candidate
who so emphatically observes, he has gained his election, and, in the
true language of every Patriot, declares he is the happiest man alive,
notwithstanding the rivets by which he is bound.”
“You are inclined to be severe,” said Tallyho.
“By no means,” replied Dashall; “the language of the letter certainly
seems a little in consonance with my observation, but I am sincere in my
good wishes towards the writer and his amiable wife. Come, we must now
take a view of other scenes, hear long speeches, drink repeated bumpers,
and shout with lungs of leather till the air resounds with peals of
approbation.
“We shall there see and hear the great men of the nation, Or at least
who are such in their own estimation.”
“Great in the name a patriot father bore,
Behold a youth of promise boldly soar,
Outstrip his fellows, clamb'ring height extreme,
And reach to eminence almost supreme.
With well-worn mask, and virtue's fair pretence,
And all the art of smooth-tongued eloquence,
He talks of wise reform, of rights most dear,
Till half the nation thinks the man sincere.”
“Hey day,” said Tallyho, “who do you apply this to?”
“Those who find the cap fit may wear it,” was the reply--”
I leave it wholly to the discriminating few who can discover what
belongs to themselves, without further comment.”
~385~~ By this time they had arrived at the Crown and Anchor Tavern, in
the Strand, where they found a great number of persons assembled, Sir
F. B------ having been announced as President. In a few minutes he was
ushered into the room with all due pomp and ceremony, preceded by
the Stewards for the occasion, and accompanied by a numerous body of
friends, consisting of Mr. H------, Major C------, and others, though
not equally prominent, equally zealous. During dinner time all went on
smoothly, except in some instances, where the voracity of some of
the visitors almost occasioned a chopping off the fingers of their
neighbours; but the cloth once removed, and 'Non nobis Domine' sung by
professional Gentlemen, had the effect of calling the attention of the
company to harmony. The Band in the orchestra played, 'O give me Death
or Liberty'--'Erin go brach'--'Britons strike home'--and 'Whilst happy
in my native Land.' The Singers introduced 'Scots wha hae wi' Wallace
bled'--'Peruvians wake to Glory'--and the 'Tyrolese Hymn.' But the
spirit of oratory, enlivened by the fire of the bottle, exhibited its
illuminating sparks in a blaze of lustre which eclipsed even the gas
lights by which they were surrounded; so much so, that the Waiters
themselves became confused, and remained stationary, or, when they
moved, were so dazzled by the patriotic effusions of the various
Speakers, that they fell over each other, spilt the wine in the pockets
of the company, and, by making afterwards a hasty retreat, left them to
fight or argue between each other for supposed liberties taken even by
their immediate friends.
Unbridled feelings of patriotic ardour appeared to pervade every one
present; and what with the splendid oratory of the speakers, and the
deafening vociferations of the hearers, at the conclusion of what
was generally considered a good point, a sufficient indication of the
feelings by which they were all animated was evinced.
At the lower end of the table sat a facetious clerical Gentleman, who,
unmindful of his ministerial duties, was loud in his condemnation of
ministers, and as loud in his approbation of those who gave them what
he repeatedly called a good hit. But here a subject of great laughter
occurred; for Mr. Marrowfat, the Pea-merchant of Covent-Garden, and Mr.
Barrowbed, the Feathermonger of Drury Lane, in their zeal for the good
cause, arising at the same moment, big with ardour and sentiment, to
address the ~386~~ Chair on a subject of the most momentous importance
in their consideration, and desirous to signalize themselves
individually, so completely defeated their objects by over anxiety to
gain precedence, that they rolled over each other on the floor, to the
inexpressible amusement of the company, and the total obliteration of
their intended observations; so much so, that the harangue meant to
enlighten their friends, ended in a fine colloquy of abuse upon each
other.
The bottles, the glasses, and the other paraphernalia of the table
suffered considerable diminution in the descent of these modern Ciceros,
and a variety of speakers arising upon their downfall, created so much
confusion, that our Heroes, fearing it would be some time before harmony
could be restored, took up their hats and walked.
“Now,” said Dashall, as they left the house, “you have had a full
view of the pleasantries of a Political Dinner; and having seen the
characters by which such an entertainment is generally attended, any
further account of them is almost rendered useless.”
“At least,” replied Tallyho, “I have been gratified by the view of some
of the leading men who contribute to fill up the columns of your London
Newspapers.”
“Egad!” said his Cousin, “now I think of it, there is a tine opportunity
of amusing ourselves for the remainder of the evening by a peep at