Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
his hand, however, arrived to his assistance, accompanied by an Irish
Chairman in a large blue coat, and a cock'd hat bound with gold lace,
armed with a chair-pole, who effected his liberty; and he again scoured
off in pursuit ~408~~ of his friend, but without success. He now began
to think his situation not altogether so pleasant as he could wish. He
listened to every voice, examined every form that passed him in rapid
succession; yet he felt himself alone, and determined not to be led away
by sounds such as had already occupied his attention, but rather to look
about him, and notice the eccentricities with which he was surrounded.
Sauntering along in this mood, he was presently assailed by a voice
behind him, exclaiming, “Bob--
“Bob, if you wish to go safely on,
Tarn round about, and look out for the Don.”
Upon hearing this, he turned hastily around, and encountered a group
of Chimney-sweepers, who immediately set up such a clatter with their
brushes and shovels, dancing at the same time in the true May-day style
round him and a strapping Irish fish-woman, that he was completely
prevented from pursuit, and almost from observation, while a universal
laugh from those near him bespoke the mirth his situation excited; and
the Hibernian damsel, with true Irish sympathy, attempted to allay his
chagrin by clasping him in her brawny arms, and imprinting on his ruddy
cheek a kiss. This only served to heighten their merriment and increase
his embarrassment, particularly as his _Cher ami_ swore she had not had
a buss like it since the death of her own dear dead and departed Phelim,
the last of her four husbands, who died of a whiskey fever, bawling for
pratees and buttermilk, and was waked in a coal-shed.
This mark of the Lady's favour was not so favourably received by
Tallyho, and, determined to make his escape, he gave Moll a violent
fling from him, overturned her and her basket, knock'd down two of the
Chimney-sweepers, and then with a leap as if he had been springing at
a five-barred gate, jumped over his late companion, who lay sprawling
among the flue-fakers, and effected his purpose, to the inexpressible
amusement of those, who, after enjoying a hearty laugh at him, now
transferred their risibility to those he left behind. Finding himself
once more unshackled, he smack'd his whip with enthusiasm, and repeated
his Tallyho with increased effect; for it was immediately answered, and,
without waiting for its final close, he found the person from whom it
was ~409~~ proceeding to be no other than a Turk, who was precipitately
entering one of the rooms, and was as quickly recognized by him to be
the Hon. Tom Dashall. The alteration which a Turkish turban and pelisse
had effected in his person, would however have operated as an effectual
bar to this discovery, had he not seized him in the very moment of
vociferation; and although his Cousin had been the chief cause of the
adventures he had already met with, he had at the same time kept an eye
upon Bob, and been equally instrumental in effecting his release from
embarrassment.
“Come,” said Tom, “I am for a little gig in the Room--how long have
you been here?--I thought I should find you out, very few can disguise
themselves from me; we will now be spectators for half an hour, and
enjoy the mirth excited by others.”
“With all my heart,” rejoined Bob, “for I am almost as tired already as
if I had spent a whole day in a fox-chase, and have run as many risks
of my neck; so that a cool half hour's observation will be very
acceptable.”
They had scarcely entered the Room, as a Priscilla Tomboy passed them at
full speed with a skipping-rope, for whose accommodation every one made
way; and who, having skipped round the room to shew her fine formed
ancle and flexibility of limbs, left it for a moment, and returned with
a large doll, which she appeared as pleased with as a child of eight
or ten years of age. A Jemmy Jumps assured Tom, that his garments
were altogether unsuitable to the nation in which he was residing, and
recommended that he should not exist another day without that now very
fashionable appendage of a Gentleman's dress called stays--An excellent
Caleb Quotem, by his smartness of repartee and unceasing volubility of
speech in recounting his labours of a day--“a summer's day,” as the poet
says, afforded much amusement by his powers of out-talking the fribble
of a Staymaker, who, finding himself confused by his eternal clack, fled
in search of another customer. A Don Quixote was conferring the honour
of knighthood on a clumsy representative of the God of Love, and
invoking his aid in return, to accomplish the object of finding his
lost Dulcinea. An outlandish fancy-dressed character was making an
assignation with a Lady, who, having taken the veil and renounced the
sex, kindly consented to forego ~410~~ her vows and meet him again;
while a Devil behind her was hooking the cock'd-hat of the gay deceiver
to the veil of the Nun, which created considerable laughter, for as
they attempted to separate, they were both completely unmasked, and
discovered, to the amazement of Tallyho, two well-known faces, little
expected there by him--no other than Merrywell as the Dandy Officer, and
his friend Mr. Safebind as the Nun. The exposure rather confused
them, while Tom and Bob joined the merry Devil in a loud burst of
laughter--they however bustled through the room and were quickly lost.
A French _Frisseur_, without any knowledge of the language of the nation
from which he appeared to come, could only answer a question _a la
Françoise_ from the accomplished Tom Dashall, by a volume of scented
powder from his puff, which being observed by a Chimney-sweeper,
was returned by dust of another colour from his soot-bag, till the
intermixture of white and black left it difficult to decide which was
the Barber and which the Sweep. They were now suddenly attracted by a
grotesque dance between a Clown of the Grimaldi school and a fancy Old
Woman in a garment of patch-work made in an ancient fashion. A red nose,
long rows of beads for ear-rings, and a pair of spectacles surmounted by
a high cauled-cap, decorated with ribbons of various hues, rendered
her the most conspicuous character in the room: and notwithstanding
her high-heeled shoes, she proved herself an excellent partner for the
Clown.
By this time, Bob, who was anxious to carry his plan into execution,
began to be fidgetty, and proposed a walk into the open air again. As
they left the room, his ears were attracted by the following song by a
Watchman, which he could not help stopping to catch, and which afforded
his Cousin an excellent opportunity of giving him the slip:
“Fly, ye prigs,{1} for now's the hour,
(Tho' boosey kids{2} have lost their power,)
When watchful Charleys,{3} like the Sun,
Their nightly course of duty run
Beneath the pale-faced moon;
1 Prigs--Pickpockets.
2 Boosey kids--Drunken men.
3 Charleys--A cant term for watchmen.
But take this warning while ye fly,
That if you nibble, click,{1} or clye,{2}
My sight's so dim, I cannot see,
Unless while you the blunt{3} tip me:
Then stay, then stay;
For I shall make this music speak,{4}
And bring you up before the Beak,{5}
Unless the chink's in tune.
Now, ye rambling sons of night,
Or peep-o'-day boys{6} on your flight,
Well prim'd with Jack or Child Tom's juice,
While you the silver key{7} produce,
Your safety then is clear.
But snuffy,{8} and not up to snuff,{9}
You'll And your case is queer enough;
Shell out the nonsense;{10} half a quid{11}
Will speak more truth than all your whid:{12}
Then go, then go;
For, if you linger on your way,
You'll for my music dearly pay,
I'll quod you, never fear.”
Turning round with laughter from this character, who had attracted many
hearers, he look'd in vain for Dashall, and was not displeased to find
he had fled. He therefore hastily withdrew from the scene of merriment,
and according to the instructions previously received, and for which
he had prepared, quickly changed his dress, and appeared again in the
character of a Judge, under the impression hinted by his counsellor,
that the gravity of his wig and gown, with a steady countenance,
1 Click--A contraction of the word clicker, for a watch.
2 Clye--A pocket-handkerchief.
3 Blunt--Money.
4 Music--Alluding to the rattle.
5 Beak--A magistrate.
6 Peep-o'-day boys--Staunch good ones--reeling home after
the frolics of the night.
7 Silver key--Money which is thus termed, as it is supposed
to open all places, and all hearts.
“If you are sick and like to die,
And for the Doctor send,
Or have the cholic in your eye,
Still money is your friend--is it not?”
8 Snuffy--Drunk.
9 Up to Snuff---Elevation of ideas.
10 Shell out the nonsense--To pay money.
11 Half a quid--Half a guinea.
12 Whid--Words or talk.
~412~~ would be a quiet and peaceable part to get through, and shield
him from the torment of those whom Bob suspected willing to play tricks
with him should he be discovered. Here however he again found himself
at fait, for he had scarcely entered the Gardens, before a host of
depredators were brought before him for trial. The Charleys brought in
succession, drunken Fiddlers, Tinkers and Barbers; and appeals were
made to his patience in so many voices, and under so many varying
circumstances, that Justice was nearly running mad, and poor Tallyho
could find no chance of making a reply. An uproar from the approaching
crowd, announced some more than ordinary culprit; and, in a moment, who
should appear before him but a Don Giovanni, and the hooking Devil, Here
was a fine case for decision; the Devil claimed the Don as his property,
and addressed the Representative of Justice as follows:--
“Most learned and puissant Judge!
“Protect my rights as you would the rights of man; I claim my property,
and will have my claim allowed.”
“Hold,” replied Bob, “if that is the case, you have no occasion to
appeal to me--begone, black wretch, and in thy native shades yell forth
thy discordant screams.”
“Most righteous Judge!--a second Daniel!” cried a bearded Shylock, with
his knife and scales, “he shan't escape me--I'll have my bond--so bare
his bosom 'next the heart'--let me come near him.”
“This is playing the Devil, indeed,” said the Don.
“By the Powers!” cried a 'Looney Mackwolteb,' “he's jump'd out of the
fire into the frying-pan; and, when the Smouchee has done wid him, he
may be grill'd in his own fat.”
At this moment, a Leporello, who caught the last words of the Irishman,
burst into the presence of the Judge, singing--
“Zounds, Sir, they'll grill you now, lean or fat, I know what games you
were always at, And told you before what harm you would hatch: Now the
old Gentleman's found you out, He'll clap us all in the round-about; Let
us be off, ere they call for the Watch.”
The word Watch was re-echoed in a thousand voices; the vociferations of
the callers, the noise of the rattles, ~413~~ and the laughter of
those immediately surrounding the judgment-seat, offered so good an
opportunity for escape, that Giovanni, determining to have another
chance, burst from the grasp of the arch enemy of mankind, to pursue
his wonted vagaries, to the no small gratification of Bob, who, without
actually acquitting the prisoner, rejoiced at his own escape.