Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
He had however scarcely time to congratulate himself, before he was
annoyed by a Postman, in the usual costume, whom he had already seen
delivering letters to the company; the contents of which appeared to
afford considerable amusement; and who, presenting a letter addressed
to The Lord Chief Justice Bunglecause, in a moment disappeared. Breaking
open the envelope, he read with astonishment the following lines:--
“Tho' justice prevails
Under big wigs and tails,
You've not much of law in your nob;
So this warning pray take,
Your big wig forsake,
And try a more modern scratch, Bob.”
“Go along Bob--Lord Chief Justice Bob in a scratch,” cried a Waterman
at his elbow, (who had heard him reading) in a voice loud enough to be
heard at some distance.
“There he'll be at home to a hair,” squeaked a little finicking
personification of a modern Peruquier, sidling up to him, picking his
teeth with a tortoise-shell comb.
Bob, in bursting hastily away, under the reiterated cries of “Go along
Bob--Lord Chief Justice Bob,” with the idea of overtaking the Postman,
found himself in a moment lock'd in the close embraces of a Meg
Merrilies; while a little bandy-legg'd representative of the late Sir
Jeffery Dunstan, bawling out, Ould wigs, Ould wigs, made a snatch at the
grave appendage of Justice, and completely dismantled the head of its
august representative. This delayed him in his progress, but it was
merely to witness the wig flying in the air, with as much mirth to the
surrounding company as when the greasy night-cap of the Rev. George
Harvest was toss'd about the pit at the theatre, each one giving it a
swing who could get within reach of it. Thus mutilated in his ~414~~
apparel, and probably conceiving, according to the song,
“The wig's the thing, the wig, the wig,
The wisdom's in the wig,”
Bob Tallyho took flight into a dressing-room, declaring justice was
abroad and propriety not at home. He was however rather at a loss, as
in his last character he had not been able to meet with the Turk, but
determined to resume the search in a 'Domino. Having therefore equipped
himself as a spectator, he again sallied forth with intention to explore
the room, and for a time remained comparatively unmolested; but as he
could no where find his Cousin, he strolled indiscriminately among the
characters, viewing whatever appeared amusing or interesting in his
way. The fineness of the weather greatly animated the scene, and
gave increased brilliancy and effect to the illuminations, which
were disposed in a numerous variety of splendid devices, representing
national trophies, stars, wreaths, and crowns of laurel. It was the
first moment he had found an opportunity of viewing the place in which
he had been acting.
The amusements of the evening were judiciously varied, and protracted
by a constant succession of entertainments of various descriptions. Mr.
Chalons exhibited many of his most surprising deceptions in the rotunda;
where also young Gyngell displayed some capital performances on the
slack-wire. In the long room the celebrated fantoccini exhibition, with
groupes of quadrille dancers, enlivened the scene. In one walk of the
garden, Mr. Gyngell's theatre of arts was erected, where were exhibited
balancing, the _Ombres Chinoises_, gymnastic exercises, and other
feats, and Mr. Gyngell performed several airs on the musical glasses; in
another, Punchinello delighted the beholders with his antics; in a
third a very expert Juggler played a variety of clever tricks and
sleight-of-hand deceptions, and a couple of itinerant Italians exhibited
their musical and mechanical show-boxes; in another part of the gardens
the celebrated Diavolo Antonio went through his truly astonishing
evolutions on the _corde volante_. The Duke of Gloucester's fine
military band occupied the grand orchestra; an excellent quadrille band
played throughout the night in the long room, while a Scottish reel
band in the rotunda, and ~415~~ a Pandean band in the gardens, played
alternately reels, waltzes, and country dances.
This interval of peace was truly acceptable to Bob, and he did not fail
to make the most of it, roving like the bee from one delight to another,
sipping pleasure as he went, almost regretting he had not taken the last
dress first, though he was every now and then importuned by Mendicants
and Servant girls, very desirous to obtain places of all work. The
introduction of a Dancing Bear, who appeared to possess more Christian
qualities than his Leader, attracted his attention; but, in pressing to
the scene of action, he received a floorer from a Bruiser in gloves, who
mill'd indiscriminately all who came in his way, till the Bear took the
shine out of him by a fraternal embrace; and his Leader very politely
asked those around which they thought the greater bear of the two. Upon
rising, Bob found himself in the hands of two itinerant Quack Doctors,
each holding an arm, and each feeling for his pulse. One declared the
case was mortal, a dislocation of the neck had taken place, and there
was no chance of preserving life except by amputation of the head.
The other shook his head, look'd grave, pull'd out his lancet, and
prescribed phlebotomy and warm water.
Bob, who had received no injury, except a little contusion occasioned by
the blow, seized the ignorant practitioners by the throat, and knocking
their heads together, exclaimed with a stentorian voice,
“Throw physic to the clogs, I'll none on't.” “Go along Bob,” was
repeated again, as loud and as long as before; he however burst from
those around him in pursuit of fresh game; nor was he disappointed, for
he presently found a dapper young Clergyman in gown and surplice,
and who, with book in hand, was fervently engaged in exhortations and
endeavours to turn from the evil of their ways a drunken Sailor and
a hardened thief, (the Orson of the Iron Chest,) when the group were
surrounded by a detachment of the Imps and Devils of Giovanni in London,
a truly horrid and diabolical crew, who, by their hideous yells, frantic
capers, violent gestures, and the flaring of their torches, scared the
affrighted Parson from his task, made his intended penitents their own,
and became an almost intolerable ~416~~ nuisance to the rest of the
company for the remainder of the evening.
While he was thus engaged, the supper-boxes were thrown open, and the
company appeared to be all on the move towards the more substantial
entertainments of the evening. He was next suddenly detained by a Jew
Pedlar, who was anxious to shew him his wares.
“Get out, Smouchee,” said Bob.
“Ant is dat all vat you can say to a poor honesht Jew, what vants to
live by his 'trade, for vye you trow my religionsh in my teeth? I'm so
honesht vat I never cheats nobody--vill you puy a gould------l Vat you
take for your gown? I shall puy or sell, it's all the same to me.
“Now whatsoever country by chance I travel through, 'Tis all the same to
I, so the monies but comes in; Some people call me tief, just because I
am a Jew; So to make them tell the truth, vy I tinks there is no sin. So
I shows them all mine coots vid a sober, winning grace, And I sometimes
picks dere pockets whilst they're smiling in my face.”
Bob laugh'd, but declared he'd have nothing to do with him.
“Then,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “you may go along Bob.”
“What! is it possible? I have been looking for you these two hours.”
“I can't eat pork,” said Dashall, resuming his character.
“Come along,” said Bob, happy to find his relation; and catching him
by the arm, they proceeded to refreshment, and partook of an excellent
supper of cold viands plentifully supplied, and accompanied with a
profusion of ices and jellies, served up in a style highly creditable to
the managers.
Here they were joined by Mortimer, who had been as frolicsome as any imp
in the Gardens, in the character of the Devil, but who had lost sight
of the Dandy Officer and the Nun, whom he had so ingeniously hooked
together. The wine was good, and after enjoying their repast, Tom
and Mortimer enshrined themselves in dominos for the remainder of
the evening. The usual masquerade frolics and dancing were afterwards
continued, and about five in the morning they left this region of fun,
mirth and good humour.~417~~
CHAPTER XXVII
That Life is a picture of strange things and ways,
A grand exhibition, each hour displays;
And for London there's no place can with it compare,
'Tis a jumble of every thing curious and rare.
Cheap-side Bustlers--Fleet Street Hustlers,
Jockeys, Doctors--Agents, Proctors,
Bow Street Slangups--Bond Street Bangups,
Hide and Seekers--Opera Squeakers,
Lawyers, Tailors--Bailiffs, Jailors,
Shopmen, Butlers--Alderman Gutters,
Patriot Talkers--Sunday Walkers,
Dancers, Actors--Jews, Contractors,
Placemen, Croakers--Boxers, Brokers,
Swindlers, Coroners--Spies, and Foreigners,
And all, all to keep up the bubble of strife,
And prove ways and means--is the picture of Life.
THE bustle and merriment of the Masquerade were long remembered in the
mind of Bob Tallyho, and furnished frequent conversations between him
and his Cousin; and the laughable occurrences of the evening, in which
they had been engaged, were re-enjoyed in recollection, notwithstanding
the preparations they were making for an excursion of another kind
in the country, which though not exactly to the taste of Dashall, was
inflexibly persevered in by Tallyho.
Tom tried every effort in his power to prolong the appointed period
of departure in A'ain. The heart and mind of his Cousin appeared to
be occupied with anticipated delights, which he described in the most
glowing colours of imagination. The healthful fields, the enlivening fox
chase, and the sportive exercises of a country life, were detailed with
ecstacy; and though last, not least, the additional zest for the more
attractive scenes (in Tom's idea) that would present themselves for
inspection upon a return to the Metropolis. At length it was finally
arranged that their country excursion should not exceed 418~~ one month
in duration, and that they would leave London time enough to reach
Belville Hall on or before the first day of September.
Dashall, after consenting to this arrangement, finding there was not
much time to spare, was anxious to improve it in the pursuit of such
lively and interesting amusements as chance and accident might throw
in their way. “Come,” said he, a few mornings after the masquerade, “it
must not be said that you have been so long in London without viewing as
many of its important curiosities as the time would admit; though I am
sure we shall not have an opportunity of glancing at all those I could
point out, and I am pretty sure that persons from the country frequently
see more in a few days residence in the Metropolis, than those who have
inhabited it for their whole lives. We will therefore take a stroll out,
without any determined line of pursuit, and survey what chance may bring
in our way; for the places deserving of particular inspection are so
numerous, and lay in so many directions, that it is scarcely possible
for us to turn round without finding some objects and subjects yet in
store.
Thus saying, and taking the arm of his Cousin, they walked along
Piccadilly in a direction for the City; for as it was a clear morning,
Tom, although he had not mentioned the road he meant to take, still had
an object in view.
“It is certainly much to be deplored,” said he, as they were just
entering Leicester Square by Sydney's Alley, “that the abominable