Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

Chapter XV. Guildhall, 203. Palace Yard--Relieving Guard, 204. The regions below, 205. An old friend in the dark, 206. Seeing clear again, 207. A rattler, 208. Chapter XVI. Civic festivity, 209. Guildhall, 210. Council chamber-- Paintings, 211. City public characters, 212. A modern Polyphemus, 213. A classic poet, 214. Rhyming contagious, 215. Smithfield prad-sellers, 216. Jockeyship in the east, 217. A peep at the Theatre, 218. The Finish, Covent Garden, 219. Wags of the Finish, 220. Smoking and joking, 222. Chapter XVII. A morning visit, 223. The fine arts, 224. Public exhibitions, 225. Living artists, 226. Horse Guards-- Admiralty, 227. Westminster Bridge, 228. Promenade Rooms, 229. Improvements in the Park, 230. Ludicrous anecdote, 231. A crazy fabric, 232. Regal splendour, 233. Marlborough House, 234. Limmer's Hotel, 235. Laconic prescription, 236. How to take it all, 237. How to get a suit of clothes, 238. Ingenious swindling, 239. Talent perverted, 240. Chapter XVIII. The Harp, Drury Lane, 241. Wards of city of Lushington, 242. The social compact, 243. A popular election, 244. Close of the poll, 245. Oratorical effusions, 246. Harmony and conviviality, 247. Sprees of the Market, 248. A lecture on heads, 249. A stroll down Drury Lane, 250. A picture of real characters, 251. “The burning shame,” 253. Ludicrous procession, 254. Chapter XIX. An old friend returned, 255. A good object in view, 256. An alarming situation, 257. Choice of professions, 258. Pursuit of fortune, 259. Advantages of law, 260. A curious law case, 261. Further arrangements, 262. Chapter XX. St. George's day, 263. Royalty on the wing, 264. Progress to the levee, 265. An unfortunate apothegm, 266. How to adjust a quarrel, 267. Wisdom in wigs, 268. A classical acquaintance, 269. Royal modesty, 270. Ludicrous anecdote, 271. A squeeze in the drawing-room, 272. Pollution of the sanctorum, 273. Procession of mail coaches, &c. 274. A parody, 275. Two negatives make a positive, 276. Remarkable anecdote, 277. Marrow-bones and cleavers, 278. The king and the laureat, 279. A remonstrance, 280. Hint at retrenchment, 281. Chapter XXI. Diversity of opinions, 282. A fresh start, 283. A critique on names, 284. The Cafe Royale, Regent Street, 285. A singular character, 286. Quite inexplicable, 287. Development, 288. Aquatic excursion, 289. A narrow escape, 290. Tower of London, 291. The lost pilot found, 295. River gaiety, 296. Rowing match, 297. Chapter XXII. The tame hare, 298. Ingenuity of man, 299. London sights and shows, 300. Automaton chess player, 301. South sea bubble, 302. New City of London tavern, 303. Moorfields, 304. Epitaph collector, 305. Monumental gleanings, 307. Voluminous collectors, 309. A horned cock, 310. Extraordinary performance, 311. Female salamander, 312. Regent's Canal, 313. Anecdote of a gormandizer, 314. Eating a general officer alive, 315. A field orator, 316. Chapter XXIII. Munster simplicity, 317. A visit to an astrologer, 318. A peep into futurity, 319. Treading-mill, 320. An unexpected occurrence, 321. The sage taken in, 322. Statue of ill luck, 323. A concatenation of exquisites, 324. How to walk the streets, 325. How to make a thoroughfare, 326. Dog stealers, 327. Canine knavery, 328. A vexatious affair, 329. How to recruit your finances, 330. A domestic civic dinner, 331. The very respectable man, 332. Chapter XXIV. Vauxhall Gardens, 334, Various amusements, 335. Sober advice, 336. Fashionable education, 337. University education, 338. Useful law proceedings, 339. How to punish a creditor, 340. Exalted characters, 341. Profligacy of a peer, 342. Mr. Spankalong, 343. Other characters of ton, 344. Sprig of fashion, 345. An everlasting prater, 346. And incorrigible fribble, 347. Kensington Gardens and Park, 348. Statue of Achilles, 349. Chapter XXV. A medley of characters, 353. Fashionables, 354. More fashionables, 355. More life in St. Giles's, 356. Reconnoitring--a discovery, 357. Tragedy prevented, 358. Fat, fair, and forty, 359. Philosophic coxcombs, 360 Blanks in society, 361. Chapter XXVI. A ride, 362. Exceptions to trade rivalship, 363. Effects of superior education, 364. Affectation in names, 365. Portraits of governesses, 366. Road to matrimony, 367. Villainy of private madhouses, 369. Appearances may deceive, 370. Chapter XXVII. Pleasing intelligence, 371. Moralizing a little, 373. Cries of London, 374. The Blacking Poet, 375. Literary squabble 376. Curious Merchandise, 377. Chapter XXVIII. A new object of pursuit, 378. Royal visit to Scotland, 379. Embarkation, 381. Royal recollections, 38, 2. Chapter XXIX. Port of London, 383. Descriptive entertainment, 384. A rea swell party, 385. An Irish dancing master, 386. Female disaster, 387. Blackwall--East India Docks, 388. Sir Robert Wigram, 389. Domestic happiness, 390. West India Docks, 391. Loudon Docks, 393. News from home, 394. Chapter XXX. Travelling preparations, 395. Whimsical associations, 396. Antiquity and origin of signs, 397. Signs of altered times, 398. Ludicrous corruptions, 399. A curious metamorphosis, 400. A sudden breeze, 401. A smell of powder, 402. Chapter XXXI. An unexpected visitor, 403. Sketches of fashionable life, 404. A Corinthian rout, 405. A Corinthian dinner party, 406. A new picture of real life, 409. More wise men of the East, 411. Chapter XXXII. Anticipation of danger, 415. Smoke without fire, 416. Fonthill Abbey, 417. Instability of fortune, 419. Wealth without ostentation, 420. Eccentricity of character, 421. Extremes meeting, 422. Chapter XXXIII. Sketches of new scenes, 423. A critical essay on taste, 424. The pleasures of the table, 425. A whimsical exhibition, 426. Canine sobriety, 427. Chapter XXXIV. Anticipation, 428. Obligation, 429. Change of subjects, 430 Magasin de Mode, 431. Bell, Warwick Lane, 432. Bull and Mouth Street, 433. Bull and Mouth Inn, 434. Jehu chaff, 435. Adieu to London, 436. LIST OF THE PLATES The Ladder of Life Frontispiece. Illustrated Title Page. British Museum 10 King's-Bench Prison 62 King Charles's Crib 130 Blue Ruin Almack's Rooms 196 Easter Hunt Coster-mongers A Stroll down Drury-Lane 250 Presentation at the Levée 263 Ascot Races A Real Swell Party 386 Bull and Mouth Inn 434 REAL LIFE IN LONDON CHAPTER I With what unequal tempers are we form'd! One day the soul, elate and satisfied, Revels secure, and fondly tells herself The hour of evil can return no more: The next, the spirit, pall'd and sick of riot, Turns all to discord, and we hate our being, Curse our past joys, and think them folly all. ~1~~MATTER and motion, say Philosophers, are inseparable, and the doctrine appears equally applicable to the human mind. Our country Squire, anxious to testify a grateful sense of the attentions paid him during his London visit, had assiduously exerted himself since his return, in contributing to the pleasures and amusements of his visitors; and Belville Hall presented a scene of festive hospitality, at once creditable to its liberal owner, and gratifying to the numerous gentry of the surrounding neighbourhood. But however varied and numerous the sports and recreations of rural life, however refined and select the circle of its society, they possessed not the endless round of metropolitan amusement, nor those ever-varying delights produced amid “the busy hum of men,” where every street is replete with incident and character, and every hour fraught with adventure. Satiety had now evidently obtruded itself amid the party, and its attendants, lassitude and restlessness, were not long in bringing up the rear. The impression already made upon the mind of Bob by the cursory view he had taken of Life in London was indelible, and it required little persuasion on the part of his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, to induce him again to return to scenes of so much delight, and which afforded such inexhaustible stores of amusement to an ardent and youthful curiosity. ~2~~A return to the Metropolis having therefore been mutually agreed upon, and every previous arrangement being completed, the Squire once more abdicated for a season his paternal domains, and accompanied by his cousin Dashall, and the whole _ci-devant_ party of Belville Hall, arrived safe at the elegant mansion of the latter, where they planned a new system of perambulation, having for its object a further investigation of manners, characters, objects, and incidents, connected with _Real Life in London_. “Come,” cried Dashall, one fine morning, starting up immediately after breakfast-- “----rouse for fresh game, and away let us haste, The regions to roam of wit, fashion, and taste; Like Quixote in quest of adventures set out, And learn what the crowds in the streets are about; And laugh when we must, and approve when we can, Where London displays ev'ry feature of man.” “The numerous hotels, bagnios, taverns, inns, coffee-houses, eating-houses, lodging-houses, &c. in endless variety, which meet the eye in all parts of the metropolis, afford an immediate choice of accommodation, as well to the temporary sojourner as the permanent resident; where may be obtained the necessaries and luxuries of life, commensurate with your means of payment, from one shilling to a guinea for a dinner, and from sixpence to thirty shillings a night for a lodging! “The stranger recommended to one of these hotels, who regales himself after the fatigues of a journey with moderate refreshment, and retires to rest, and preparing to depart in the morning, is frequently surprised at the longitudinal appearance and sum total of his bill, wherein every item is individually stated, and at a rate enormously extravagant. Remonstrance is unavailable; the charges are those common to the house, and in failure of payment your luggage is under detention, without the means of redress; ultimately the bill must be paid, and the only consolation left is, that you have acquired a useful, though expensive lesson, how to guard in future against similar exaction and inconvenience.”{1} 1 Marlborough Street.--Yesterday, Mrs. Hickinbottom, the wife of Mr. Hickinbottom, the keeper of the St. Petersburgh Hotel in Dover Street, Piccadilly, appeared to a summons to answer the complaint of a gentleman for unlawfully detaining his luggage under the following circumstances: The complainant stated, that on Thursday evening last, on his arrival in town from Aberdeen, he went to the White Horse Cellar, Piccadilly; but the house being full, he was recommended to the St. Petersburgh Hotel in Dover Street; where, having taken some refreshment and wrote a letter, he went to bed, and on the following morning after break-fast,