Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
professional men, ordering from the former various goods,
and requiring the advice, in a case of emergency, of the
latter, appointing the same hour, to all, of attendance; so
that, in fact, at the time mentioned, the street, to the
annoy-ance and astonishment of its inhabitants, was crowded
with a motley group of visitants, equestrian and pedestrian,
all eagerly pressing forward to their destination, the old
lady's place of residence. In the heterogeneous assemblage
there were seen Tradesmen of all denominations, accompanied
by their Porters, bearing various articles of household
furniture; Counsellors anticipating fees; Lawyers engaged
to execute the last will and testament of the heroine of the
drama, and, not the least conspicuous, an Undertaker
preceded by his man with a coffin; and to crown the whole,
“though last not least in our esteem,” the then Lord Mayor of
London, who, at the eager desire of the old Lady, had, with
a commendable feeling of humanity, left his civic dominions,
in order to administer, in a case of danger and difficulty,
his consolation and assistance. When, behold! the clue was
unravelled, the whole turn'd out an hoax, and the Author
still remains in nubibus!!!
~8~~ “And who could have been the artist?” enquired Tallyho.
“Nay,” answered his friend, “that is impossible to say; some one in the
crowd, but the secret must remain with himself; neither do I think it
would have been altogether prudent his revealing it to his alarmed and
credulous auditory.”
“A Ventriloquist,” observed the 'Squire, “is so little known in the
country, that I had lost all reminiscence of his surprising powers;
however, I shall in future, from the occurrence of to-day, resist
the obtrusion of superstition, and in all cases of 'doubtful dilemma'
remember the Devil in Long Acre!”{l}
“Well resolved,” answered Dashall; and in a few minutes they
gained Great Russel Street, Bloomsbury, without further incident or
interruption.
1 The child in the hat.--Not long since, a Waggoner coming
to town with a load of hay, was overtaken by a stranger, who
entered into familiar conversation with him. They had not
pro-ceeded far, when, to the great terror of Giles Jolt, a
plaintive cry, apparently that of a child, issued from the
waggon. “Didst hear that, mon?” exclaimed Giles. The cry was
renewed--“Luord! Luord! an there be na a babe aneath the
hay, I'se be hanged; lend us a hand, mon, to get un out, for
God's sake!” The stranger very promptly assisted in
unloading the waggon, but no child was found. The hay now
lay in a heap on the road, from whence the cry was once more
long and loudly reiterated! In eager research, Giles next
proceeded to scatter the hay over the road, the cry still
continuing; but when, at last, he ascertained that the
assumed infantine plaint was all a delusion, his hair stood
erect with horror, and, running rapidly from his companion,
announced that he had been associated on the road by the
Devil, for that none else could play him such a trick! It
was not without great difficulty that the people to whom he
told this strange story prevailed on him to return, at last,
to his waggon and horses; he did so with manifest
reluctance. To his indescribable relief, his infernal
companion hail vanished in the person of the Ventriloquist,
and Jolt still believes in the supernatural visitation!
~9~~ Amongst the literary and scientific institutions of the Metropolis,
the British Museum, situated in Great Russel Street, Bloomsbury, stands
pre-eminent.
Entering the spacious court, our two friends found a party in waiting
for the Conductor. Of the individuals composing this party, the
reconnoitering eye of Dashall observed a trio, from whence he
anticipated considerable amusement. It was a family triumvirate, formed
of an old Bachelor, whose cent per cent ideas predominated over every
other, wheresoever situated or howsoever employed; his maiden Sister,
prim, starch and antiquated; and their hopeful Nephew, a
complete coxcomb, that is, in full possession of the requisite
concomitants--ignorance and impudence, and arrayed in the first style of
the most exquisite dandyism. This delectable triumviri had emerged from
their chaotic recess in Bearbinder-lane; the Exquisite, to exhibit his
sweet person along with the other curiosities of the Museum; his maiden
Aunt, to see, as she expressed it, the “_He-gipsyian munhuments,
kivered with kerry-glee-fix_;” and her Brother, to ascertain whether,
independent of outlandish baubles, gimcracks and gewgaws, there was any
thing of substantiality with which to enhance the per contra side in the
Account Current between the British Museum and the Public!
Attaching themselves to this respectable trio, Dashall and Tallyho
followed, with the other visitants, the Guide, whose duty it that
day was to point out the various curiosities of this great national
institution.
The British Museum was established by act of parliament, in 1753, in
pursuance of the will of Sir Hans Sloane, who left his museum to
the nation, on condition that Parliament should pay 20,000L. to his
Executors, and purchase a house sufficiently commodious for it. The
parliament acted with great liberality on the occasion; several other
valuable collections were united to that of Sir Hans Sloane, and the
whole establishment was completed for the sum of 85,000L. raised by
lottery. At the institution of this grand treasury of learning, it
was proposed that a competent part of 1800L. the annual sum granted by
parliament for the support of the house, should be appropriated for
the purchase of new books; but the salaries necessary for the officers,
together with the contingent expenses, have always exceeded the
allowance; so that the Trustees have been repeatedly ~10~~ obliged to
make application to defray the necessary charges.
Mr. Timothy Surety, the before mentioned Bearbinder-lane resident,
of cent per cent rumination; his accomplished sister, Tabitha; his
exquisite nephew, Jasper; and the redoubtable heroes of our eventful
history, were now associated in one party, and the remaining visitants
were sociably amalgamated in another; and each having its separate
Conductor, both proceeded to the inspection of the first and most
valuable collection in the universe.
On entering the gate, the first objects which attracted attention
were two large sheds, defending from the inclemency of the seasons a
collection of Egyptian monuments, the whole of which were taken from
the French at Alexandria, in the last war. The most curious of these,
perhaps, is the large Sarcophagus beneath the shed to the left, which
has been considered as the exterior coffin of Alexander the Great, used
at his final interment. It is formed of variegated marble, and, as Mrs.
Tabitha Surety observed, was “_kivered with Kerry-glee-fix_.”
“Nephew Jasper,” said his Uncle, “you are better acquainted with the
nomenclature, I think you call it, of them there _thing-um-bobs_ than I
am--what is the name of this here?”
“My dear Sir,” rejoined the Exquisite, “this here is called a _Sark o'
Fegus_, implying the domicile, or rather, the winding-sheet of the
dead, as the sark or chemise wound itself round the fair forms of the
daughters of O'Fegus, a highland Chieftain, from whom descended Philip
of Macedon, father of Alexander the Great; and thence originated the
name subsequently given by the highland laird's successors, to the
dormitory of the dead, the Sark o' Fegus, or in the corruption of modern
orthography, Sarcophagus.”
Timothy Surety cast an approving glance towards his Nephew, and
whispering Dashall, “My Nephew, Sir, apparently a puppy, Sir, but well
informed, nevertheless--what think you of his definition of that hard
word? Is he not, I mean my Nephew Jaz, a most extraordinary young man?”
“Superlatively so,” answered Dashall, “and I think you are happy in
bearing affinity to a young man of such transcendent acquirements.”
~11~~“D--n his acquirements!” exclaimed Timothy; “would you think it,
they are of no use in the way of trade, and though I have given him many
an opportunity of doing well, he knows no more of keeping a set of books
by double-entry, than Timothy Surety does of keeping a pack of hounds,
who was never twenty miles beyond the hearing of Bow bells in all his
lifetime!”
This important communication, having been made apart from the
recognition of the Aunt and Nephew, passed on their approach,
unanswered; and Dashall and his friend remained in doubt whether or not
the Nephew, in his late definition of the word Sarcophagus, was in
jest or earnest: Tallyho inclined to think that he was hoaxing the old
gentleman; on the other hand, his Cousin bethought himself, that the
apparent ingenuity of Jaz's definition was attributable entirely to his
ignorance.
Here also were two statues of Roman workmanship, supposed to be those
of Marcus Aurelius and Severus, ancient, but evidently of provincial
sculpture.
Mrs. Tabitha, shading her eyes with her fan, and casting a glance askew
at the two naked figures, which exhibited the perfection of symmetry,
enquired of her Nephew who they were meant to represent.
His answer was equally eccentric with that accorded to his Uncle on the
subject of the Sarcophagus.
“My dear Madam!” said Jaz, “these two figures are consanguineous to
those of Gog and Magog in Guildhall, being the lineal descendants of
these mighty associates of the Livery of London!”
“But, Jaz” rejoined the antique dame, “I always understood that
Messieurs Gog and Magog derived their origin from quite a different
family.”
“Aunt of mine,” responded Jaz, “the lofty rubicunded Civic Baronet
shall not be 'shorn of his beams;' he claims the same honour with
his brainless brothers before us-he is a scion of the same tree; Sir
W*ll**m, the twin brothers of Guildhall, and these two sedate Gentlemen
of stone, all boast the honour of the same extraction!”
Behind them, on the right, was a ram's head of very curious workmanship,
from Thebes.
“Perhaps, Sir,” said Mrs. Tabitha, graciously addressing herself to
'Squire Tallyho, “you can inform us what may be the import of this
singular exhibition?”
“On my honour, Madam,” answered the 'Squire, “I cannot satisfactorily
resolve the enquiry; I am a country ~12~~ gentleman, and though
conversant with rains and rams' horns in my own neighbourhood, have no
knowledge of them with reference to the connexion of the latter with the
Citizens of London or Westminster!”
Jaz again assumed the office of expositor.--“My very reverend Aunt,”
said Jaz, “I must prolegomenize the required explanation with a simple
anecdote:--
“When Charles the Second returned from one of his northern tours,
accompanied by the Earl of Rochester, he passed through Shoreditch. On
each side the road was a huge pile of rams' horns, for what purpose
tradition saith not. 'What is the meaning of all this?' asked the
King, pointing towards the symbolics. 'I know not,' rejoined Rochester,
'unless it implies that the Citizens of London have laid their heads
together, to welcome your Majesty's return!' In commemoration of this
witticism, the ram's head is to the Citizens of London a prominent
feature of exhibition in the British Museum.”
This interpretation raised a laugh at the expense of Timothy Surety,
who, nevertheless, bore it with great good humour, being a bachelor, and
consequently not within the scope of that ridicule on the basis of which
was founded the present sarcastic fabric.