Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
aforesaid assault, by manfully swearing to the fact; but as I have no
desire of exhibiting myself through the streets, linked to a chain of
felons on our way to the Sessions House, I believe I shall contrive
to pay the debt due to the perjured scoundrel, which will ensure my
enlargement, and let the devil in due season take his own!”
“May we enquire,” said Dashall, “without the imputation of impertinent
inquisitiveness, what has been the nature of your pursuits in life?”
“Multitudinous,” replied the other; “my life has been so replete
with adventure and adversity in all its varieties, and in its future
prospects so unpropitious of happiness, that existence has long ceased
to be desirable; and had I not possessed a more than common portion of
philosophic resignation, I must have yielded to despair; but,
“When all the blandishments of life are gone, The coward sneaks to
death,--the brave live on!”
“Thirty years ago I came to London, buoyant of youth and hope, to
realize a competency, although I knew not by what means the grand
object was to be attained; yet it occurred to me that I might be equally
successful with others of my country, who, unaided by recommendation and
ungifted with the means of speculation, had accumulated fortunes in
this fruitful Metropolis, and of whom, fifteen years ago, one eminently
fortunate adventurer from the north filled the civic chair with
commensurate political zeal and ability.
“Some are born great; others achieve greatness, And some have greatness
thrust upon them!”
“Well, Sir, what can be said of it? I was without the pale of fortune,
although several of my school-mates, who had established themselves
in London, acquired, by dint of perseverance, parsimony and servility,
affluent ~23~~circumstances; convinced, however, that I was not
destined to acquire wealth and honour, and being unsolaced even with
the necessaries of life, I abandoned in London all hope of success, and
emigrated to Ireland, where I held for several years the situation of
clerk to a respectable Justice of the Quorum. In this situation I lived
well, and the perquisites of office, which were regularly productive on
the return of every fair and market day, for taking examinations of the
peace, and filling up warrants of apprehension against the perpetrators
of broken heads and bloody noses, consoled me in my voluntary exile
from Real Life in London. I was in all respects regarded as one of the
family; had a horse at my command, visited in friendly intimacy the
neighbouring gentry; and, above all, enjoyed the eccentricities of the
lower Irish; most particularly so when before his honour, detailing, to
his great annoyance, a story of an hour long about a tester (sixpence),
and if he grew impatient, attributing it to some secret prejudice which
he entertained against them.{1}
1 Their method is to get a story completely by heart, and to
tell it, as they call it, out of the face, that is, from the
beginning to the end without interruption.
“Well, my good friend, I have seen you lounging about these
three hours in the yard, what is your business?”
“Plase your honour, it is what I want to speak one word to
your honour.”
“Speak then, but be quick. What is the matter?”
“The matter, plase your honour, is nothing at all at all,
only just about the grazing of a horse, plase your honour,
that this man here sold me at the fair of Gurtishannon last
Shrove fair, which lay down three times with myself, plase
your honour, and kilt me; not to be telling your honour of
how, no later back than yesterday night, he lay down in the
house there within, and all the children standing round, and
it was God's mercy he did not fall a-top of them, or into
the fire to burn himself. So, plase your honour, to-day I
took him back to this man, which owned him, and after a
great deal to do I got the mare again I swopped (exchanged)
him for; but he won't pay the grazing of the horse for the
time I had him, though he promised to pay the grazing in
case the horse didn't answer; and he never did a day's work,
good or bad, plase your honour, all the time he was with me,
and I had the doctor to him five times, any how. And so,
plase your honour, it is what I expect your honour will
stand my friend, for I'd sooner come to your honour for
justice than to any other in all Ireland. And so I brought
him here before your honour, and expect your honour will
make him pay me the grazing, or tell me, can I process him
for it at the next assizes, plase your honour?”
The defendant now, turning a quid of tobacco with his
tongue into some secret cavern in his mouth, begins his
defence with
“Plase your honour, under favour, and saving your honour's
presence, there's not a word of truth in all this man has
been saying from beginning to end, upon my conscience, and I
would not for the value of the horse itself, grazing and
all, be after telling your honour a lie. For, plase your
honour, I have a dependance upon your honour that you'll do
me justice, and not be listening to him or the like of him.
Plase your honour, it is what he has brought me before your
honour, because he had a spite against me about some oats I
sold your honour, which he was jealous of, and a shawl his
wife got at my shister's shop there without, and never paid
for, so I offered to set the shawl against the grazing, and
give him a receipt in full of all demands, but he wouldn't,
out of spite, plase your honour; so he brought me before
your honour, expecting your honour was mad with me for
cutting down the tree in the horse park, which was none of
my doing, plase your honour;--ill luck to them that went
and belied me to your honour behind my back. So if your
honour is plasing, I'll tell you the whole truth about the
horse that he swopped against my mare, out of the face:--
Last Shrove fair I met this man, Jemmy Duffy, plase your
honour, just at the corner of the road where the bridge is
broke down, that your honour is to have the present for this
year--long life to you for it! And he was at that time
coming from the fair of Gurtishannon, and 1 the same way:
'How are you, Jemmy?' says I. 'Very well, I thank you,
Bryan,' says he: 'shall we turn back to Paddy Salmon's, and
take a naggin of whiskey to our better acquaintance?' 'I
don't care if I did, Jemmy,' says I, 'only it is what I
can't take the whiskey, because I'm under an oath against it
for a month.' Ever since, plase your honour, the day your
honour met me on the road, and observed to me I could hardly
stand, I had taken so much--though upon my conscience your
honour wronged me greatly that same time--ill luck to them
that belied me behind my back to your honour! Well, plase
your honour, as I was telling you, as he was taking the
whiskey, and we talking of one thing or t'other, he makes me
an offer to swop his mare that he couldn't sell at the fair
of Gurtishannou, because nobody would be troubled with the
beast, plase your honour, against my horse; and to oblige
him I took the mare--sorrow take her, and him along with
her! She kicked me a new car, that was worth three pounds
ten, to tatters, the first time I ever put her into it, and
I expect your honour will make him pay me the price of the
car, any how, before I pay the grazing, which I have no
right to pay at all at all, only to oblige him. But I leave
it all to your honour; and the whole grazing he ought to be
charging for the beast is but two and eight pence halfpenny,
any how, plase your honour. So I'll abide by what your
honour says, good or bad; I'll leave it all to your honour.”
I'll leave it all to your honour, literally means, I'll
leave all the trouble to your honour.
~25~~But this pleasant life was not decreed much longer to endure,
the insurrection broke out, during which an incident occurred that had
nearly terminated all my then cares in this life, past, present, and to
come.
“In my capacity as clerk or secretary, I had written one morning for
the worthy magistrate, two letters, both containing remittances, the one
150L. and the other 100L. in bank of Ireland bills. We were situated at
the distance of fifteen miles from the nearest market town, and as the
times were perilous and my employer unwilling to entrust property to the
precarious conveyance of subordinate agency, he requested that I would
take a morning ride, and with my own hands deliver these letters at
the post-office. Accordingly I set out, and had arrived to within three
miles of my destination, when my further progress was opposed by two
men in green uniform, who, with supported arms and fixed bayonets,
were pacing the road to and fro as sentinels, in a very steady and
soldier-like manner. On the challenge of one of these fellows, with arms
at port demanding the countersign, I answered that I had none to give,
that I was travelling on lawful business to the next town, and required
to know by what authority he stopt me on the King's highway, “By the
powers,” he exclaimed, “this is my authority then,” and immediately
brought his musket to the charge against the chest of my horse. I now
learnt that the town had been taken possession of that morning by a
division of the army of the people, for so the insurgents had styled
themselves. “You may turn your nag homewards if you choose,” said the
sentry; “but if you persist in going into the town, I must pass you, by
the different out-posts, to the officer on duty.” The business in which
I was engaged not admitting of delay, I preferred advancing, and was
ushered, ultimately, to the notice of the captain of the guard, who
very kindly informed me, that his general would certainly order me to be
hanged as a spy, unless I could exhibit good proof of the contrary. With
this comfortable assurance, I was forthwith introduced into the presence
of the rebel general. He was a portly good-looking man, apparently about
the age of forty, not more; wore a green uniform, with gold embroidery,
and was engaged in signing dispatches, which his secretary successively
sealed and superscribed; his staff were in attendance, and a
provost-marshal in waiting to perform the office of summary execution on
those to whom the general might attach suspicion. The insurgent leader
~26~~now enquiring, with much austerity, my name, profession, from
whence I came, the object of my coming, and lastly, whether or not I
was previously aware of the town being in possession of the army of the
people, I answered these interrogatories by propounding the question,
who the gentleman was to whom I had the honour of addressing myself,
and under what authority I was considered amenable to his inquisition.
“Answer my enquiries, Sir,” he replied, “without the impertinency of
idle circumlocution, otherwise I shall consider you as a spy, and my
provost-marshal shall instantly perform on your person the duties of
his office!” I now resorted to my letters; I had no other alternative
between existence and annihilation. Explaining, therefore, who I
was, and by whom employed, “These letters,” I added, “are each in my
hand-writing, and both contain remittances; I came to this town for the
sole purpose of putting them into the post-office, and I was not aware,
until informed by your scouts, that the place was in the occupation of
an enemy.” He deigned not a reply farther than pointing to one of