Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.
first enter; but they seldom fail to acquire that of knave before their
departure. The air is infectious, the society fatal to morality and
to honesty; few pass through the ordeal with purity, and return
uncontaminated to the world; and yet, after all the frauds, tricks, and
speculations practised, it is well to be acquainted with them, in order
to guard against the recurrence, if a man can but have fortitude enough
to avoid practising them himself.~56~~
“Think not that the action of the place
Is all revealed upon this open space;
The darkest portion of the picture lies
Obscur'd and cover'd up from public eyes;
Here much you see, that bids you all mistrust,
Much that provokes aversion and disgust;
New friends, who coolly ask a one pound note,
Or borrow for an hour, then pawn, your coat.
Such stuff as this upon the surface swims;
He little sees who but the surface skims.
How much of fraud and finished wickedness,
How much of deep despair and keen distress,
Thought of by few, and seen by none, the while,
Is chamber'd in the niches of this pile!”
“Zounds,” cried Dashall, “your pictures have so much light and shade,
so much to admire, and so much to condemn, that there is scarcely any
possibility of arriving at any conclusion.--Bless me, there is Dick
Rakewell!”
“Do you know him?” said Merry well.
“What the devil are you doing here?” cried a young man advancing, and at
the same time catching the Honourable Tom Dashall by the hand; “Are
you initiated, or merely come to take a peep at the curiosities of this
menagerie? Have you tipp'd and shewn yourself in due form; or do you
still sport a game leg among the gallants of Bond Street?”
“Fortunately,” said Dashall, “I can still boast of the latter, and have
no very strong inclination to aspire to all the honour and happiness of
the former.”
“Grown serious and sedate; I suppose married, and ca'nt come--pretty
wife--lots of children--love and fireside comfort at home--pleasure
abroad--cash in hand, and care for nobody. That's the sort--give you joy
with all my heart--never were such times.”
“I am glad you find them so,” continued Tom; “but your anticipations
are a little too rapid, and your imagination rather too vivid for my
proceeding; however, there is no knowing what we may come to; life is a
labyrinth full of turnings and windings. But what brought you here?”
“Driven in by the Philistines,” was the reply; “caught like a harmless
dove by the Greeks--clean'd out.--By the cog, I was obliged to fly to
this pigeon house, in order to avoid being cut up by my creditors; and,
up to a little of the Newmarket logic, I am now crossing and justling
though it is doubtful at present who will win the race.”
“You have not far to run, however,” replied Dashall, “and it is
therefore fair to presume the heat will soon be over.”
~57~~ “As usual,” cried Rakewell, “always something short, but pungent,
like a pinch of merry-go-up{1}--satire and sentiment--mirth, morality,
and good humour--unmarried and still the same man. These are better
subjects of congratulation than the former.”
“We shall dine at half past three,” said Merry well, “and if you are
inclined to make one along with us, you will find me at home.”
“I should have no objection to meet you abroad,” exclaimed Rakewell;
“but, however, I'm your man. Half past three, d----nd unfashionable; but
never mind,
I'll pick a bone with you; and spite of dull care and high walls,
'locks, bolts, and bars, we'll defy you;' and my life for it we have
a jolly afternoon. Is the cellar well stored, and the kitchen in good
repair?”
“All right, my boy!” exclaimed Merrywell, “bring your bellows{2} in
good order, and don't be afraid of your bread basket.{3} The dibs are
in tune.{4} A ball of fire,{s} a dose of daffy, or a blow out of black
strap, will set the blue devils at defiance, give a spur to harmony, and
set the spirits a jogging.”
“Then at half past three I'll have a turn to with you,” continued
Rakewell; “so no more at present from your loving Cousin. I am going now
to call on Fred. Fearnought; that fellow has deceived me; I thought
him a trump, but he's eaten up with hopes and fears, tormented in mind,
body, and estate, no more pluck than a dunghill chick. I must stir him
up with a long pole, give him a lesson or two, touch him to the quick,
and then quickly adjourn to you; so adieu for the present.”
Thus saying, he made his escape from his friends, and, passing through
one of the entrances to the interior, was quickly out of sight.
“That,” said Dashall, addressing his Cousin, “was one of the gayest of
the gay in all the leading circles of _haut ton_.”
“And I assure you,” said Merrywell, “he has not lost one atom of his
vivacity, notwithstanding the alteration in his circumstances; he is
always full of humour, ready for a bit of fun even in confinement; he
plays, laughs, sings, drinks, and is about one of the most cheerful
companions I know.”~58~~
1 Merry-go-up--Snuff.
2 Bellows--A cant term for the lungs.
3 Bread-basket--The stomach.
4 The dibs are in tune--There is plenty of money.
5 A ball of fire--A glass of brandy.
“Then,” rejoined Bob, “he is a philosopher, for he has learned to bear.”
“Yes,” continued Dashall, “but the other, and by far the most important,
part of philosophy is to forbear.”
“That,” said Merry well, “he yet has to learn, and I have my doubts
whether he will accomplish that desirable object while here. He has,
with a moderate allowance from his father, contrived to drive his
four-in-hand at times, to keep seven or more horses on his hunting and
Town establishments; has kept some of the most dashing and expensive
ladies, expensive male company; indulged in extravagant habits of all
sorts, and has twinkled for a while in the highest gambling circles.
A run of ill luck has at last sent him here, but not before he had
honoured almost all the horse-dealers, coach-makers, and saddlers,
gunsmiths and tavern-keepers in Town, with his custom, or rather with
his name on their books. His father is a man of considerable property,
which must eventually come to him, and he may yet form a conspicuous
figure in High Life.”
“What have we here?” said Tallyho, stopping to read a paper displayed in
the window of a barber's shop.
“The old and only established shop at the prison
“price: shave well for one penny, hair fashionably cut
“for twopence, at 17 in 16, first staircase round the corner.”
“Seventeen in sixteen--I don't understand this.”
“Each of the doors,” said Merry well, “which lead to the apartments is
numbered, as is likewise every room in each passage, by which means
much facility is afforded to visitors who come to make a call upon their
friends. The operator himself is a prisoner, and so are most of those
who carry on trades; but opportunities are afforded for any person to
come in and supply articles to the inhabitants; and at an early hour in
the morning you may hear almost all the cries of London.”~59~~
“Milk, matches, eggs, and Epping sausages,
Greens, water-cresses, chips, geranium trees;
A brush or broom, deal wood, cow-heel, and tripe,
Fresh butter, oranges all round and ripe;
Rabbits, a kettle, jug, or coffee pot,
Eels, poultry, home-bak'd bread, and rolls all hot;
Shirt buttons, nosegays, coals, and God knows what
Such are the goods that pass the lobby door,
Cried in all tones that vary, squeak, and roar.”
“A little further on,” said Merry well, “is the public kitchen, where,
for a trifling fee, cooking is performed for the prisoners, and hot
water supplied at a penny per kettle. Then there is a coffee-room and
a tap-room for general accommodation, according to the circumstances of
the inmates; so that in point of fact there is little to be regretted
here, but the loss of liberty, and the want of money.”
“Zounds,” said Bob, “those two articles constitute all that is valuable
in life, and in their absence it dwindles into mere existence.
“And bare existence man to live ordained,
“Wrings and oppresses with enormous weight.”
“I admit the justice of the remark, for to become an article of
vegetation, were it sure of continuance, would be one of the most
irksome, as well as degrading situations to which a man could be
reduced. But you should recollect, that the generality of persons who
study in this College expect an early termination of their privations,
by which hope is kept alive; and when the cherished hope is realized, of
escaping from these walls, all recollection of the past is banished;
and it is doubtful whether the temporary absence from the possibility
of indulging in folly does not increase the possibility as well as the
power, when at liberty.”
“Who do you call that man with his hands in his pockets?” pointing to a
person at a short distance from them at the moment, in slovenly attire,
and with a vacant countenance.
“Hush,” replied Merry well, “for we have modest men here as well as
elsewhere; men who, though they have rendered themselves famous (a more
delicate term than notorious) are not emulous of having their deeds
recorded in history, and are indeed very tenacious of satisfying
enquiries: his name is F--rr--ter, not quite so vacant as he looks; for
it is, generally speaking, not your empty-headed fellows who can arrive
at the honour of a residence here, it is rather those of brilliant
imagination, of aspiring talent, who have been determined to have money
for a time, without heeding the source from which it was derived--who
have been up to snuff, till they have reduced themselves to the
necessity of resting contented with the marrow-bone stage instead of a
phaeton or a ~60~~ curricle, and twopenny in lieu of claret The
person you allude to, however, is brother to Cecil F--rr--ter of Court
notoriety, and has really been in possession of considerable property.
It is said that his principal failing has been too strong an inclination
to resort to the law, and that upon the law and lawyers he has expended
the bulk of his fortune.”
“He cuts a curious figure now, however,” said Tallyho, “and every view
at first sight would take him for a. fortunate youth.”
“Do you observe that man in mustachios, now talking with P----s? That
is Captain R----n, who bears a more striking resemblance in character to
the celebrated youth you mention; he had at one time inspired a belief
among those who knew him, that he was a man of property--married with a
view to realize it; and upon comparing notes after the nuptial knot
was tied, both parties discovered they were taken in; but it is not
ascertained whether this mutual disappointment ended with smiles.”
“Why, it was no laughing matter,” said Tom; “the lucky hit was all a
miss.”
“Yes, there was a Miss taken, and a Biter bit. Love is a lottery as well
as life, and the chances two to one against the adventurer,” replied
Dashall.
“It may be so,” said Merrywell; “I am not fly{1} to the subject
at present; perhaps Sparkle could by this time unravel some of its
mysteries, and give beneficial lessons to us all: however, time is
flying, we will just make one more turn, and then to dinner with what
appetite we may. Do you observe the pericranium topp'd with a Prussian
cap, and the wearer with a pipe in his mouth?”
1 Fit--To be up to any thing, to understand, to know, or be
awake.
“I was on the point of enquiry,” said Bob; “Pray who is he?”
“That is another Captain.”
“Who! One would almost think you have the whole army of Martyrs confined