Reflections; or Sentences and Moral Maxims
In all the diversities of taste that we discern, it is very rare and
almost impossible to meet with that sort of good taste that knows how to
set a price on the particular, and yet understands the right value that
should be placed on all. Our knowledge is too limited, and that correct
discernment of good qualities which goes to form a correct judgment
is too seldom to be met with except in regard to matters that do not
concern us.
As regards ourselves our taste has not this all-important discernment.
Preoccupation, trouble, all that concern us, present it to us in another
aspect. We do not see with the same eyes what does and what does not
relate to us. Our taste is guided by the bent of our self-love and
temper, which supplies us with new views which we adapt to an infinite
number of changes and uncertainties. Our taste is no longer our own,
we cease to control it, without our consent it changes, and the same
objects appear to us in such divers aspects that ultimately we fail to
perceive what we have seen and heard.
IV. On Society.
In speaking of society my plan is not to speak of friendship, for,
though they have some connection, they are yet very different. The
former has more in it of greatness and humility, and the greatest merit
of the latter is to resemble the former.
For the present I shall speak of that particular kind of intercourse
that gentlemen should have with each other. It would be idle to show how
far society is essential to men: all seek for it, and all find it, but
few adopt the method of making it pleasant and lasting.
Everyone seeks to find his pleasure and his advantage at the expense of
others. We prefer ourselves always to those with whom we intend to
live, and they almost always perceive the preference. It is this which
disturbs and destroys society. We should discover a means to hide this
love of selection since it is too ingrained in us to be in our power to
destroy. We should make our pleasure that of other persons, to humour,
never to wound their self-love.
The mind has a great part to do in so great a work, but it is not merely
sufficient for us to guide it in the different courses it should hold.
The agreement we meet between minds would not keep society together for
long if she was not governed and sustained by good sense, temper, and by
the consideration which ought to exist between persons who have to live
together.
It sometimes happens that persons opposite in temper and mind become
united. They doubtless hold together for different reasons, which cannot
last for long. Society may subsist between those who are our inferiors
by birth or by personal qualities, but those who have these advantages
should not abuse them. They should seldom let it be perceived that they
serve to instruct others. They should let their conduct show that
they, too, have need to be guided and led by reason, and accommodate
themselves as far as possible to the feeling and the interests of the
others.
To make society pleasant, it is essential that each should retain
his freedom of action. A man should not see himself, or he should see
himself without dependence, and at the same time amuse himself. He
should have the power of separating himself without that separation
bringing any change on the society. He should have the power to pass by
one and the other, if he does not wish to expose himself to occasional
embarrassments; and he should remember that he is often bored when he
believes he has not the power even to bore. He should share in what he
believes to be the amusement of persons with whom he wishes to live, but
he should not always be liable to the trouble of providing them.
Complaisance is essential in society, but it should have its limits,
it becomes a slavery when it is extreme. We should so render a free
consent, that in following the opinion of our friends they should
believe that they follow ours.
We should readily excuse our friends when their faults are born with
them, and they are less than their good qualities. We should often avoid
to show what they have said, and what they have left unsaid. We should
try to make them perceive their faults, so as to give them the merit of
correcting them.
There is a kind of politeness which is necessary in the intercourse
among gentlemen, it makes them comprehend badinage, and it keeps
them from using and employing certain figures of speech, too rude
and unrefined, which are often used thoughtlessly when we hold to our
opinion with too much warmth.
The intercourse of gentlemen cannot subsist without a certain kind of
confidence; this should be equal on both sides. Each should have an
appearance of sincerity and of discretion which never causes the fear of
anything imprudent being said.
There should be some variety in wit. Those who have only one kind of
wit cannot please for long unless they can take different roads, and not
both use the same talents, thus adding to the pleasure of society, and
keeping the same harmony that different voices and different instruments
should observe in music; and as it is detrimental to the quiet of
society, that many persons should have the same interests, it is yet as
necessary for it that their interests should not be different.
We should anticipate what can please our friends, find out how to be
useful to them so as to exempt them from annoyance, and when we cannot
avert evils, seem to participate in them, insensibly obliterate without
attempting to destroy them at a blow, and place agreeable objects in
their place, or at least such as will interest them. We should talk of
subjects that concern them, but only so far as they like, and we
should take great care where we draw the line. There is a species of
politeness, and we may say a similar species of humanity, which does not
enter too quickly into the recesses of the heart. It often takes pains
to allow us to see all that our friends know, while they have still the
advantage of not knowing to the full when we have penetrated the depth
of the heart.
Thus the intercourse between gentlemen at once gives them familiarity
and furnishes them with an infinite number of subjects on which to talk
freely.
Few persons have sufficient tact and good sense fairly to appreciate
many matters that are essential to maintain society. We desire to
turn away at a certain point, but we do not want to be mixed up in
everything, and we fear to know all kinds of truth.
As we should stand at a certain distance to view objects, so we should
also stand at a distance to observe society; each has its proper point
of view from which it should be regarded. It is quite right that it
should not be looked at too closely, for there is hardly a man who in
all matters allows himself to be seen as he really is.
V. On Conversation.
The reason why so few persons are agreeable in conversation is that each
thinks more of what he desires to say, than of what the others say, and
that we make bad listeners when we want to speak.
Yet it is necessary to listen to those who talk, we should give them the
time they want, and let them say even senseless things; never contradict
or interrupt them; on the contrary, we should enter into their mind and
taste, illustrate their meaning, praise anything they say that deserves
praise, and let them see we praise more from our choice than from
agreement with them.
To please others we should talk on subjects they like and that interest
them, avoid disputes upon indifferent matters, seldom ask questions, and
never let them see that we pretend to be better informed than they are.
We should talk in a more or less serious manner, and upon more or less
abstruse subjects, according to the temper and understanding of the
persons we talk with, and readily give them the advantage of deciding
without obliging them to answer when they are not anxious to talk.
After having in this way fulfilled the duties of politeness, we can
speak our opinions to our listeners when we find an opportunity without
a sign of presumption or opinionatedness. Above all things we should
avoid often talking of ourselves and giving ourselves as an example;
nothing is more tiresome than a man who quotes himself for everything.
We cannot give too great study to find out the manner and the capacity
of those with whom we talk, so as to join in the conversation of those
who have more than ourselves without hurting by this preference the
wishes or interests of others.
Then we should modestly use all the modes abovementioned to show our
thoughts to them, and make them, if possible, believe that we take our
ideas from them.
We should never say anything with an air of authority, nor show
any superiority of mind. We should avoid far-fetched expressions,
expressions hard or forced, and never let the words be grander than the
matter.
It is not wrong to retain our opinions if they are reasonable, but we
should yield to reason, wherever she appears and from whatever side
she comes, she alone should govern our opinions, we should follow her
without opposing the opinions of others, and without seeming to ignore
what they say.
It is dangerous to seek to be always the leader of the conversation, and
to push a good argument too hard, when we have found one. Civility often
hides half its understanding, and when it meets with an opinionated man
who defends the bad side, spares him the disgrace of giving way.
We are sure to displease when we speak too long and too often of one
subject, and when we try to turn the conversation upon subjects that we
think more instructive than others, we should enter indifferently upon
every subject that is agreeable to others, stopping where they wish, and
avoiding all they do not agree with.
Every kind of conversation, however witty it may be, is not equally
fitted for all clever persons; we should select what is to their taste
and suitable to their condition, their sex, their talents, and also
choose the time to say it.
We should observe the place, the occasion, the temper in which we find
the person who listens to us, for if there is much art in speaking to
the purpose, there is no less in knowing when to be silent. There is
an eloquent silence which serves to approve or to condemn, there is a
silence of discretion and of respect. In a word, there is a tone, an
air, a manner, which renders everything in conversation agreeable or
disagreeable, refined or vulgar.
But it is given to few persons to keep this secret well. Those who lay
down rules too often break them, and the safest we are able to give is
to listen much, to speak little, and to say nothing that will ever give
ground for regret.
VI. Falsehood.
We are false in different ways. There are some men who are false from
wishing always to appear what they are not. There are some who have
better faith, who are born false, who deceive themselves, and who never
see themselves as they really are; to some is given a true understanding
and a false taste, others have a false understanding and some
correctness in taste; there are some who have not any falsity either in
taste or mind. These last are very rare, for to speak generally, there
is no one who has not some falseness in some corner of his mind or his
taste.
What makes this falseness so universal, is that as our qualities are
uncertain and confused, so too, are our tastes; we do not see things
exactly as they are, we value them more or less than they are worth,
and do not bring them into unison with ourselves in a manner which suits
them or suits our condition or qualities.
This mistake gives rise to an infinite number of falsities in the taste
and in the mind. Our self-love is flattered by all that presents itself
to us under the guise of good.