Roughing It
support _your_ family, I venture to say, sir. Let me scrimp and squeeze
all I can, I still can’t get ahead as fast as I feel I ought to, with my
opportunities. Bless you, sir, at a time when I had seventy-two wives in
this house, I groaned under the pressure of keeping thousands of dollars
tied up in seventy-two bedsteads when the money ought to have been out
at interest; and I just sold out the whole stock, sir, at a sacrifice,
and built a bedstead seven feet long and ninety-six feet wide.”
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“But it was a failure, sir. I could _not_ sleep. It appeared to me that
the whole seventy-two women snored at once. The roar was deafening. And
then the danger of it! That was what I was looking at. They would all
draw in their breath at once, and you could actually see the walls of
the house suck in—and then they would all exhale their breath at once,
and you could see the walls swell out, and strain, and hear the rafters
crack, and the shingles grind together. My friend, take an old man’s
advice, and _don’t_ encumber yourself with a large family—mind, I tell
you, don’t do it. In a small family, and in a small family only, you
will find that comfort and that peace of mind which are the best at last
of the blessings this world is able to afford us, and for the lack of
which no accumulation of wealth, and no acquisition of fame, power, and
greatness can ever compensate us. Take my word for it, ten or eleven
wives is all you need—never go over it.”
Some instinct or other made me set this Johnson down as being
unreliable. And yet he was a very entertaining person, and I doubt if
some of the information he gave us could have been acquired from any
other source. He was a pleasant contrast to those reticent Mormons.
CHAPTER XVI.
All men have heard of the Mormon Bible, but few except the “elect” have
seen it, or, at least, taken the trouble to read it. I brought away a
copy from Salt Lake. The book is a curiosity to me, it is such a
pretentious affair, and yet so “slow,” so sleepy; such an insipid mess
of inspiration. It is chloroform in print. If Joseph Smith composed this
book, the act was a miracle—keeping awake while he did it was, at any
rate. If he, according to tradition, merely translated it from certain
ancient and mysteriously-engraved plates of copper, which he declares he
found under a stone, in an out-of-the-way locality, the work of
translating was equally a miracle, for the same reason.
The book seems to be merely a prosy detail of imaginary history, with
the Old Testament for a model; followed by a tedious plagiarism of the
New Testament. The author labored to give his words and phrases the
quaint, old-fashioned sound and structure of our King James’s
translation of the Scriptures; and the result is a mongrel—half modern
glibness, and half ancient simplicity and gravity. The latter is awkward
and constrained; the former natural, but grotesque by the contrast.
Whenever he found his speech growing too modern—which was about every
sentence or two—he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as “exceeding
sore,” “and it came to pass,” etc., and made things satisfactory again.
“And it came to pass” was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible
would have been only a pamphlet.
The title-page reads as follows:
THE BOOK OF MORMON: AN ACCOUNT WRITTEN BY THE HAND OF MORMON, UPON
PLATES TAKEN FROM THE PLATES OF NEPHI.
Wherefore it is an abridgment of the record of the people of Nephi, and
also of the Lamanites; written to the Lamanites, who are a remnant of
the House of Israel; and also to Jew and Gentile; written by way of
commandment, and also by the spirit of prophecy and of revelation.
Written and sealed up, and hid up unto the Lord, that they might not be
destroyed; to come forth by the gift and power of God unto the
interpretation thereof; sealed by the hand of Moroni, and hid up unto
the Lord, to come forth in due time by the way of Gentile; the
interpretation thereof by the gift of God. An abridgment taken from the
Book of Ether also; which is a record of the people of Jared; who were
scattered at the time the Lord confounded the language of the people
when they were building a tower to get to Heaven.
“Hid up” is good. And so is “wherefore”—though why “wherefore”? Any
other word would have answered as well—though—in truth it would not have
sounded so Scriptural.
Next comes:
THE TESTIMONY OF THREE WITNESSES. Be it known unto all nations,
kindreds, tongues, and people unto whom this work shall come, that we,
through the grace of God the Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ, have
seen the plates which contain this record, which is a record of the
people of Nephi, and also of the Lamanites, their brethren, and also of
the people of Jared, who came from the tower of which hath been spoken;
and we also know that they have been translated by the gift and power of
God, for His voice hath declared it unto us; wherefore we know of a
surety that the work is true. And we also testify that we have seen the
engravings which are upon the plates; and they have been shown unto us
by the power of God, and not of man. And we declare with words of
soberness, that an angel of God came down from heaven, and he brought
and laid before our eyes, that we beheld and saw the plates, and the
engravings thereon; and we know that it is by the grace of God the
Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ, that we beheld and bear record that
these things are true; and it is marvellous in our eyes; nevertheless
the voice of the Lord commanded us that we should bear record of it;
wherefore, to be obedient unto the commandments of God, we bear
testimony of these things. And we know that if we are faithful in
Christ, we shall rid our garments of the blood of all men, and be found
spotless before the judgment-seat of Christ, and shall dwell with Him
eternally in the heavens. And the honor be to the Father, and to the
Son, and to the Holy Ghost, which is one God. Amen. OLIVER COWDERY,
DAVID WHITMER, MARTIN HARRIS.
Some people have to have a world of evidence before they can come
anywhere in the neighborhood of believing anything; but for me, when a
man tells me that he has “seen the engravings which are upon the
plates,” and not only that, but an angel was there at the time, and saw
him see them, and probably took his receipt for it, I am very far on the
road to conviction, no matter whether I ever heard of that man before or
not, and even if I do not know the name of the angel, or his nationality
either.
Next is this:
AND ALSO THE TESTIMONY OF EIGHT WITNESSES. Be it known unto all nations,
kindreds, tongues, and people unto whom this work shall come, that
Joseph Smith, Jr., the translator of this work, has shown unto us the
plates of which hath been spoken, which have the appearance of gold; and
as many of the leaves as the said Smith has translated, we did handle
with our hands; and we also saw the engravings thereon, all of which has
the appearance of ancient work, and of curious workmanship. And this we
bear record with words of soberness, that the said Smith has shown unto
us, for we have seen and hefted, and know of a surety that the said
Smith has got the plates of which we have spoken. And we give our names
unto the world, to witness unto the world that which we have seen; and
we lie not, God bearing witness of it. CHRISTIAN WHITMER, JACOB WHITMER,
PETER WHITMER, JR., JOHN WHITMER, HIRAM PAGE, JOSEPH SMITH, SR., HYRUM
SMITH, SAMUEL H. SMITH.
And when I am far on the road to conviction, and eight men, be they
grammatical or otherwise, come forward and tell me that they have seen
the plates too; and not only seen those plates but “hefted” them, I am
convinced. I could not feel more satisfied and at rest if the entire
Whitmer family had testified.
The Mormon Bible consists of fifteen “books”—being the books of Jacob,
Enos, Jarom, Omni, Mosiah, Zeniff, Alma, Helaman, Ether, Moroni, two
“books” of Mormon, and three of Nephi.
In the first book of Nephi is a plagiarism of the Old Testament, which
gives an account of the exodus from Jerusalem of the “children of Lehi”;
and it goes on to tell of their wanderings in the wilderness, during
eight years, and their supernatural protection by one of their number, a
party by the name of Nephi. They finally reached the land of
“Bountiful,” and camped by the sea. After they had remained there “for
the space of many days”—which is more Scriptural than definite—Nephi was
commanded from on high to build a ship wherein to “carry the people
across the waters.” He travestied Noah’s ark—but he obeyed orders in the
matter of the plan. He finished the ship _in a single day_, while his
brethren stood by and made fun of it—and of him, too—“saying, our
brother is a fool, for he thinketh that he can build a ship.” They did
not wait for the timbers to dry, but the whole tribe or nation sailed
the next day. Then a bit of genuine nature cropped out, and is revealed
by outspoken Nephi with Scriptural frankness—they all got on a spree!
They, “and also their wives, began to make themselves merry, insomuch
that they began to dance, and to sing, and to speak with much rudeness;
yea, they were lifted up unto exceeding rudeness.”
Nephi tried to stop these scandalous proceedings; but they tied him neck
and heels, and went on with their lark. But observe how Nephi the
prophet circumvented them by the aid of the invisible powers:
And it came to pass that after they had bound me, insomuch that I could
not move, the compass, which had been prepared of the Lord, did cease to
work; wherefore, they knew not whither they should steer the ship,
insomuch that there arose a great storm, yea, a great and terrible
tempest, and we were driven back upon the waters for the space of three
days; and they began to be frightened exceedingly, lest they should be
drowned in the sea; nevertheless they did not loose me. And on the
fourth day, which we had been driven back, the tempest began to be
exceeding sore. And it came to pass that we were about to be swallowed
up in the depths of the sea.
Then they untied him.
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And it came to pass after they had loosed me, behold, I took the
compass, and it did work whither I desired it. And it came to pass that
I prayed unto the Lord; and after I had prayed, the winds did cease, and
the storm did cease, and there was a great calm.
Equipped with their compass, these ancients appear to have had the
advantage of Noah.
Their voyage was toward a “promised land”—the only name they give it.
They reached it in safety.
Polygamy is a recent feature in the Mormon religion, and was added by
Brigham Young after Joseph Smith’s death. Before that, it was regarded
as an “abomination.” This verse from the Mormon Bible occurs in Chapter
II. of the book of Jacob:
For behold, thus saith the Lord, this people begin to wax in iniquity;
they understand not the Scriptures; for they seek to excuse themselves
in committing whoredoms, because of the things which were written
concerning David, and Solomon his son. Behold, David and Solomon truly
had many wives and concubines, which thing was abominable before me,
saith the Lord; wherefore, thus saith the Lord, I have led this people
forth out of the land of Jerusalem, by the power of mine arm, that I
might raise up unto me a righteous branch from the fruit of the loins of
Joseph. Wherefore, I the Lord God, will no suffer that this people shall
do like unto them of old.
However, the project failed—or at least the modern Mormon end of it—for
Brigham “suffers” it. This verse is from the same chapter:
Behold, the Lamanites your brethren, whom ye hate, because of their
filthiness and the cursings which hath come upon their skins, are more