Shirley
"I took my usual seat at the desk, quite in my usual way. I am blessed
in that power to cover all inward ebullition with outward calm. No one
who looks at my slow face can guess the vortex sometimes whirling in my
heart, and engulfing thought and wrecking prudence. Pleasant is it to
have the gift to proceed peacefully and powerfully in your course
without alarming by one eccentric movement. It was not my present
intention to utter one word of love to her, or to reveal one glimpse of
the fire in which I wasted. Presumptuous I never have been; presumptuous
I never will be. Rather than even _seem_ selfish and interested, I would
resolutely rise, gird my loins, part and leave her, and seek, on the
other side of the globe, a new life, cold and barren as the rock the
salt tide daily washes. My design this morning was to take of her a near
scrutiny--to read a line in the page of her heart. Before I left I
determined to know _what_ I was leaving.
"I had some quills to make into pens. Most men's hands would have
trembled when their hearts were so stirred; mine went to work steadily,
and my voice, when I called it into exercise, was firm.
"'This day week you will be alone at Fieldhead, Miss Keeldar.'
"'Yes: I rather think my uncle's intention to go is a settled one now.'
"'He leaves you dissatisfied.'
"'He is not pleased with me.'
"'He departs as he came--no better for his journey. This is mortifying.'
"'I trust the failure of his plans will take from him all inclination to
lay new ones.'
"'In his way Mr. Sympson honestly wished you well. All he has done or
intended to do he believed to be for the best.'
"'You are kind to undertake the defence of a man who has permitted
himself to treat you with so much insolence.'
"'I never feel shocked at, or bear malice for, what is spoken in
character; and most perfectly in character was that vulgar and violent
onset against me, when he had quitted you worsted.'
"'You cease now to be Henry's tutor?'
"'I shall be parted from Henry for a while (if he and I live we shall
meet again somehow, for we love each other) and be ousted from the bosom
of the Sympson family for ever. Happily this change does not leave me
stranded; it but hurries into premature execution designs long formed.'
"'No change finds you off your guard. I was sure, in your calm way, you
would be prepared for sudden mutation. I always think you stand in the
world like a solitary but watchful, thoughtful archer in a wood. And the
quiver on your shoulder holds more arrows than one; your bow is provided
with a second string. Such too is your brother's wont. You two might go
forth homeless hunters to the loneliest western wilds; all would be well
with you. The hewn tree would make you a hut, the cleared forest yield
you fields from its stripped bosom, the buffalo would feel your
rifle-shot, and with lowered horns and hump pay homage at your feet.'
"'And any Indian tribe of Blackfeet or Flatheads would afford us a
bride, perhaps?'
"'No' (hesitating), 'I think not. The savage is sordid. I think--that
is, I _hope_--you would neither of you share your hearth with that to
which you could not give your heart.'
"'What suggested the wild West to your mind, Miss Keeldar? Have you been
with me in spirit when I did not see you? Have you entered into my
day-dreams, and beheld my brain labouring at its scheme of a future?'
"She had separated a slip of paper for lighting tapers--a spill, as it
is called--into fragments. She threw morsel by morsel into the fire, and
stood pensively watching them consume. She did not speak.
"'How did you learn what you seem to know about my intentions?'
"'I know nothing. I am only discovering them now. I spoke at hazard.'
"'Your hazard sounds like divination. A tutor I will never be again;
never take a pupil after Henry and yourself; not again will I sit
habitually at another man's table--no more be the appendage of a family.
I am now a man of thirty; I have never been free since I was a boy of
ten. I have such a thirst for freedom, such a deep passion to know her
and call her mine, such a day-desire and night-longing to win her and
possess her, I will not refuse to cross the Atlantic for her sake; her I
will follow deep into virgin woods. Mine it shall not be to accept a
savage girl as a slave--she could not be a wife. I know no white woman
whom I love that would accompany me; but I am certain Liberty will await
me, sitting under a pine. When I call her she will come to my loghouse,
and she shall fill my arms.'
"She could not hear me speak so unmoved, and she _was_ moved. It was
right--I meant to move her. She could not answer me, nor could she look
at me. I should have been sorry if she could have done either. Her cheek
glowed as if a crimson flower through whose petals the sun shone had
cast its light upon it. On the white lid and dark lashes of her downcast
eye trembled all that is graceful in the sense of half-painful,
half-pleasing shame.
"Soon she controlled her emotion, and took all her feelings under
command. I saw she had felt insurrection, and was waking to empire. She
sat down. There was that in her face which I could read. It said, I see
the line which is my limit; nothing shall make me pass it. I feel--I
know how far I may reveal my feelings, and when I must clasp the volume.
I have advanced to a certain distance, as far as the true and sovereign
and undegraded nature of my kind permits; now here I stand rooted. My
heart may break if it is baffled; let it break. It shall never dishonour
me; it shall never dishonour my sisterhood in me. Suffering before
degradation! death before treachery!
"I, for my part, said, 'If she were poor, I would be at her feet; if she
were lowly, I would take her in my arms. Her gold and her station are
two griffins that guard her on each side. Love looks and longs, and
dares not; Passion hovers round, and is kept at bay; Truth and Devotion
are scared. There is nothing to lose in winning her, no sacrifice to
make. It is all clear gain, and therefore unimaginably difficult.'
"Difficult or not, something must be done, something must be said. I
could not, and would not, sit silent with all that beauty modestly mute
in my presence. I spoke thus, and still I spoke with calm. Quiet as my
words were, I could hear they fell in a tone distinct, round, and deep.
"'Still, I know I shall be strangely placed with that mountain nymph
Liberty. She is, I suspect, akin to that Solitude which I once wooed,
and from which I now seek a divorce. These Oreads are peculiar. They
come upon you with an unearthly charm, like some starlight evening; they
inspire a wild but not warm delight; their beauty is the beauty of
spirits; their grace is not the grace of life, but of seasons or scenes
in nature. Theirs is the dewy bloom of morning, the languid flush of
evening, the peace of the moon, the changefulness of clouds. I want and
will have something different. This elfish splendour looks chill to my
vision, and feels frozen to my touch. I am not a poet; I cannot live
with abstractions. You, Miss Keeldar, have sometimes, in your laughing
satire, called me a material philosopher, and implied that I live
sufficiently for the substantial. Certainly I feel material from head to
foot; and glorious as Nature is, and deeply as I worship her with the
solid powers of a solid heart, I would rather behold her through the
soft human eyes of a loved and lovely wife than through the wild orbs of
the highest goddess of Olympus.'
"'Juno could not cook a buffalo steak as you like it,' said she.
"'She could not; but I will tell you who could--some young, penniless,
friendless orphan girl. I wish I could find such a one--pretty enough
for me to love, with something of the mind and heart suited to my taste;
not uneducated--honest and modest. I care nothing for attainments, but I
would fain have the germ of those sweet natural powers which nothing
acquired can rival; any temper Fate wills--I can manage the hottest. To
such a creature as this I should like to be first tutor and then
husband. I would teach her my language, my habits and my principles, and
then I would reward her with my love.'
"'_Reward_ her, lord of the creation--_reward_ her!'" ejaculated she,
with a curled lip.
"'And be repaid a thousandfold.'
"'If she willed it, monseigneur.'
"'And she _should_ will it.'
"'You have stipulated for any temper Fate wills. Compulsion is flint and
a blow to the metal of some souls.'
"'And love the spark it elicits.'
"'Who cares for the love that is but a spark--seen, flown upward, and
gone?'
"'I must find my orphan girl. Tell me how, Miss Keeldar.'
"'Advertise; and be sure you add, when you describe the qualifications,
she must be a good plain cook.'
"'I must find her; and when I do find her I shall marry her.'
"'Not you!' and her voice took a sudden accent of peculiar scorn.
"I liked this. I had roused her from the pensive mood in which I had
first found her. I would stir her further.
"'Why doubt it?'
"'_You_ marry!'
"'Yes, of course; nothing more evident than that I can and shall.'
"'The contrary is evident, Mr. Moore.'
"She charmed me in this mood--waxing disdainful, half insulting; pride,
temper, derision, blent in her large fine eye, that had just now the
look of a merlin's.
"'Favour me with your reasons for such an opinion, Miss Keeldar.'
"'How will _you_ manage to marry, I wonder?'
"'I shall manage it with ease and speed when I find the proper person.'
"'Accept celibacy!' (and she made a gesture with her hand as if she gave
me something) 'take it as your doom!'
"'No; you cannot give what I already have. Celibacy has been mine for
thirty years. If you wish to offer me a gift, a parting present, a
keepsake, you must change the boon.'
"'Take worse, then!'
"'How--what?'
"I now felt, and looked, and spoke eagerly. I was unwise to quit my
sheet-anchor of calm even for an instant; it deprived me of an advantage
and transferred it to her. The little spark of temper dissolved in
sarcasm, and eddied over her countenance in the ripples of a mocking
smile.
"'Take a wife that has paid you court to save your modesty, and thrust
herself upon you to spare your scruples.'
"'Only show me where.'
"'Any stout widow that has had a few husbands already, and can manage
these things.'
"'She must not be rich, then. Oh these riches!'
"'Never would you have gathered the produce of the gold-bearing garden.
You have not courage to confront the sleepless dragon; you have not
craft to borrow the aid of Atlas.'
"'You look hot and haughty.'
"'And you far haughtier. Yours is the monstrous pride which counterfeits
humility.'
"'I am a dependant; I know my place.'
"'I am a woman; I know mine.'
"'I am poor; I must be proud.'
"'I have received ordinances, and own obligations stringent as yours.'
"We had reached a critical point now, and we halted and looked at each
other. _She_ would not give in, I felt. Beyond this I neither felt nor
saw. A few moments yet were mine. The end was coming--I heard its
rush--but not come. I would dally, wait, talk, and when impulse urged I
would act. I am never in a hurry; I never was in a hurry in my whole
life. Hasty people drink the nectar of existence scalding hot; I taste
it cool as dew. I proceeded: 'Apparently, Miss Keeldar, you are as
little likely to marry as myself. I know you have refused three--nay,
four--advantageous offers, and, I believe, a fifth. Have you rejected
Sir Philip Nunnely?'
"I put this question suddenly and promptly.
"'Did you think I should take him?'
"'I thought you might.'
"'On what grounds, may I ask?'
"'Conformity of rank, age, pleasing contrast of temper--for _he_ is mild
and amiable--harmony of intellectual tastes.'