Short Stories by Chekhov
her even through the window, she seemed to me fascinating even as she
was, cold and forbidding, answering me with a proud and contemptuous
mockery. I was proud of her, and confessed to myself that to go away
from her was terrible and impossible.
"Pavel Andreitch," she said after a brief silence, "for two years we
have not interfered with each other but have lived quietly. Why do you
suddenly feel it necessary to go back to the past? Yesterday you came to
insult and humiliate me," she went on, raising her voice, and her face
flushed and her eyes flamed with hatred; "but restrain yourself; do not
do it, Pavel Andreitch! Tomorrow I will send in a petition and they will
give me a passport, and I will go away; I will go! I will go! I'll go
into a convent, into a widows' home, into an almshouse...."
"Into a lunatic asylum!" I cried, not able to restrain myself.
"Well, even into a lunatic asylum! That would be better, that would be
better," she cried, with flashing eyes. "When I was in Pestrovo today I
envied the sick and starving peasant women because they are not living
with a man like you. They are free and honest, while, thanks to you, I
am a parasite, I am perishing in idleness, I eat your bread, I spend
your money, and I repay you with my liberty and a fidelity which is of
no use to any one. Because you won't give me a passport, I must respect
your good name, though it doesn't exist."
I had to keep silent. Clenching my teeth, I walked quickly into the
drawing-room, but turned back at once and said:
"I beg you earnestly that there should be no more assemblies, plots, and
meetings of conspirators in my house! I only admit to my house those
with whom I am acquainted, and let all your crew find another place to
do it if they want to take up philanthropy. I can't allow people at
midnight in my house to be shouting hurrah at successfully exploiting an
hysterical woman like you!"
My wife, pale and wringing her hands, took a rapid stride across the
room, uttering a prolonged moan as though she had toothache. With a wave
of my hand, I went into the drawing-room. I was choking with rage, and
at the same time I was trembling with terror that I might not restrain
myself, and that I might say or do something which I might regret all my
life. And I clenched my hands tight, hoping to hold myself in.
After drinking some water and recovering my calm a little, I went back
to my wife. She was standing in the same attitude as before, as though
barring my approach to the table with the papers. Tears were slowly
trickling down her pale, cold face. I paused then and said to her
bitterly but without anger:
"How you misunderstand me! How unjust you are to me! I swear upon my
honour I came to you with the best of motives, with nothing but the
desire to do good!"
"Pavel Andreitch!" she said, clasping her hands on her bosom, and her
face took on the agonized, imploring expression with which frightened,
weeping children beg not to be punished, "I know perfectly well that you
will refuse me, but still I beg you. Force yourself to do one kind
action in your life. I entreat you, go away from here! That's the only
thing you can do for the starving peasants. Go away, and I will forgive
you everything, everything!"
"There is no need for you to insult me, Natalie," I sighed, feeling a
sudden rush of humility. "I had already made up my mind to go away, but
I won't go until I have done something for the peasants. It's my duty!"
"Ach!" she said softly with an impatient frown. "You can make an
excellent bridge or railway, but you can do nothing for the starving
peasants. Do understand!"
"Indeed? Yesterday you reproached me with indifference and with being
devoid of the feeling of compassion. How well you know me!" I laughed.
"You believe in God--well, God is my witness that I am worried day and
night...."
"I see that you are worried, but the famine and compassion have nothing
to do with it. You are worried because the starving peasants can get on
without you, and because the Zemstvo, and in fact every one who is
helping them, does not need your guidance."
I was silent, trying to suppress my irritation. Then I said:
"I came to speak to you on business. Sit down. Please sit down."
She did not sit down.
"I beg you to sit down," I repeated, and I motioned her to a chair.
She sat down. I sat down, too, thought a little, and said:
"I beg you to consider earnestly what I am saying. Listen.... Moved by
love for your fellow-creatures, you have undertaken the organization of
famine relief. I have nothing against that, of course; I am completely
in sympathy with you, and am prepared to co-operate with you in every
way, whatever our relations may be. But, with all my respect for your
mind and your heart... and your heart," I repeated, "I cannot allow such
a difficult, complex, and responsible matter as the organization of
relief to be left in your hands entirely. You are a woman, you are
inexperienced, you know nothing of life, you are too confiding and
expansive. You have surrounded yourself with assistants whom you know
nothing about. I am not exaggerating if I say that under these
conditions your work will inevitably lead to two deplorable
consequences. To begin with, our district will be left unrelieved; and,
secondly, you will have to pay for your mistakes and those of your
assistants, not only with your purse, but with your reputation. The
money deficit and other losses I could, no doubt, make good, but who
could restore you your good name? When through lack of proper
supervision and oversight there is a rumour that you, and consequently
I, have made two hundred thousand over the famine fund, will your
assistants come to your aid?"
She said nothing.
"Not from vanity, as you say," I went on, "but simply that the starving
peasants may not be left unrelieved and your reputation may not be
injured, I feel it my moral duty to take part in your work."
"Speak more briefly," said my wife.
"You will be so kind," I went on, "as to show me what has been
subscribed so far and what you have spent. Then inform me daily of every
fresh subscription in money or kind, and of every fresh outlay. You will
also give me, Natalie, the list of your helpers. Perhaps they are quite
decent people; I don't doubt it; but, still, it is absolutely necessary
to make inquiries."
She was silent. I got up, and walked up and down the room.
"Let us set to work, then," I said, and I sat down to her table.
"Are you in earnest?" she asked, looking at me in alarm and
bewilderment.
"Natalie, do be reasonable!" I said appealingly, seeing from her face
that she meant to protest. "I beg you, trust my experience and my sense
of honour."
"I don't understand what you want."
"Show me how much you have collected and how much you have spent."
"I have no secrets. Any one may see. Look."
On the table lay five or six school exercise books, several sheets of
notepaper covered with writing, a map of the district, and a number of
pieces of paper of different sizes. It was getting dusk. I lighted a
candle.
"Excuse me, I don't see anything yet," I said, turning over the leaves
of the exercise books. "Where is the account of the receipt of money
subscriptions?"
"That can be seen from the subscription lists."
"Yes, but you must have an account," I said, smiling at her naivete.
"Where are the letters accompanying the subscriptions in money or in
kind? Pardon, a little practical advice, Natalie: it's absolutely
necessary to keep those letters. You ought to number each letter and
make a special note of it in a special record. You ought to do the same
with your own letters. But I will do all that myself."
"Do so, do so..." she said.
I was very much pleased with myself. Attracted by this living
interesting work, by the little table, the naive exercise books and the
charm of doing this work in my wife's society, I was afraid that my wife
would suddenly hinder me and upset everything by some sudden whim, and
so I was in haste and made an effort to attach no consequence to the
fact that her lips were quivering, and that she was looking about her
with a helpless and frightened air like a wild creature in a trap.
"I tell you what, Natalie," I said without looking at her; "let me take
all these papers and exercise books upstairs to my study. There I will
look through them and tell you what I think about it tomorrow. Have you
any more papers?" I asked, arranging the exercise books and sheets of
papers in piles.
"Take them, take them all!" said my wife, helping me to arrange them,
and big tears ran down her cheeks. "Take it all! That's all that was
left me in life.... Take the last."
"Ach! Natalie, Natalie!" I sighed reproachfully.
She opened the drawer in the table and began flinging the papers out of
it on the table at random, poking me in the chest with her elbow and
brushing my face with her hair; as she did so, copper coins kept
dropping upon my knees and on the floor.
"Take everything!" she said in a husky voice.
When she had thrown out the papers she walked away from me, and putting
both hands to her head, she flung herself on the couch. I picked up the
money, put it back in the drawer, and locked it up that the servants
might not be led into dishonesty; then I gathered up all the papers and
went off with them. As I passed my wife I stopped and, looking at her
back and shaking shoulders, I said:
"What a baby you are, Natalie! Fie, fie! Listen, Natalie: when you
realize how serious and responsible a business it is you will be the
first to thank me. I assure you you will."
In my own room I set to work without haste. The exercise books were not
bound, the pages were not numbered. The entries were put in all sorts of
handwritings; evidently any one who liked had a hand in managing the
books. In the record of the subscriptions in kind there was no note of
their money value. But, excuse me, I thought, the rye which is now worth
one rouble fifteen kopecks may be worth two roubles fifteen kopecks in
two months' time! Was that the way to do things? Then, "Given to A. M.
Sobol 32 roubles." When was it given? For what purpose was it given?
Where was the receipt? There was nothing to show, and no making anything
of it. In case of legal proceedings, these papers would only obscure the
case.
"How naive she is!" I thought with surprise. "What a child!"
I felt both vexed and amused.
V
My wife had already collected eight thousand; with my five it would be
thirteen thousand. For a start that was very good. The business which
had so worried and interested me was at last in my hands; I was doing
what the others would not and could not do; I was doing my duty,
organizing the relief fund in a practical and business-like way.
Everything seemed to be going in accordance with my desires and
intentions; but why did my feeling of uneasiness persist? I spent four
hours over my wife's papers, making out their meaning and correcting her
mistakes, but instead of feeling soothed, I felt as though some one were
standing behind me and rubbing my back with a rough hand. What was it I
wanted? The organization of the relief fund had come into trustworthy
hands, the hungry would be fed--what more was wanted?
The four hours of this light work for some reason exhausted me, so that
I could not sit bending over the table nor write. From below I heard
from time to time a smothered moan; it was my wife sobbing. Alexey,
invariably meek, sleepy, and sanctimonious, kept coming up to the table
to see to the candles, and looked at me somewhat strangely.
"Yes, I must go away," I decided at last, feeling utterly exhausted. "As
far as possible from these agreeable impressions! I will set off
tomorrow."