The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Complete
cage, where he waited so long, that his desires began to subside, and
his imagination to aggravate the danger of his situation.
“Suppose,” said he to himself, “this brutal German, instead of being
stupefied with wine, should come home inflamed with brandy, to the use
of which he is sometimes addicted, far from feeling any inclination to
sleep, he will labour under the most fretful anxiety of watching; every
irascible particle in his disposition will be exasperated; he will be
offended with every object that may present itself to his view; and, if
there is the least ingredient of jealousy in his temper, it will
manifest itself in riot and rage. What if his frenzy should prompt him
to search his wife’s chamber for gallants? this would certainly be the
first place to which he would direct his inquiry; or, granting this
supposition chimerical, I may be seized with an irresistible
inclination to cough, before he is oppressed with sleep; he may be
waked by the noise I shall make in disengaging myself from this
embarrassed situation; and, finally, I may find it impracticable to
retire unseen or unheard, after everything else shall have succeeded to
my wish.”
These suggestions did not at all contribute to the quiet of our
adventurer, who, having waited three whole hours in the most
uncomfortable suspense, heard the jeweller brought into the room in
that very condition which his fears had prognosticated. He had, it
seems, quarrelled over his cups with another tradesman, and received a
salutation on the forehead with a candlestick, which not only left an
ignominious and painful mark upon his countenance, but even disordered
his brain to a very dangerous degree of delirium; so that, instead of
allowing himself quietly to be undressed and put to bed by his wife, he
answered all her gentle admonitions and caresses with the most
opprobrious invectives and obstreperous behaviour; and, though he did
not tax her with infidelity to his bed, he virulently accused her of
extravagance and want of economy; observed, her expensive way of living
would bring him to a morsel of bread; and unfortunately recollecting
the attempt of the supposed thief, started up from his chair, swearing
by G—’s mother that he would forthwith arm himself with a brace of
pistols, and search every apartment in the house. “That press,” said
he, with great vociferation, “may, for aught I know, be the receptacle
of some ruffian.”
So saying, he approached the ark in which Fathom was embarked, and
exclaiming, “Come forth, Satan,” applied his foot to the door of it,
with such violence as threw him from the centre of gravity, and laid
him sprawling on his back. This address made such an impression upon
our adventurer, that he had well-nigh obeyed the summons, and burst
from his concealment, in a desperate effort to escape, without being
recognised by the intoxicated German; and indeed, had the application
been repeated, he in all likelihood would have tried the experiment,
for by this time his terrors had waxed too strong to be much longer
suppressed. From this hazardous enterprise he was, however, exempted by
a lucky accident that happened to his disturber, whose head chancing to
pitch upon the corner of a chair in his fall, he was immediately lulled
into a trance, during which the considerate lady, guessing the disorder
of her gallant, and dreading further interruption, very prudently
released him from his confinement, after she had put out the light, and
in the dark conveyed him to the door, where he was comforted with the
promise that she would punctually remember the rendezvous of next day.
She then invoked the assistance of the servants, who, being waked for
the purpose, lifted up their master, and tumbled him into bed, while
Ferdinand hied him home in an universal sweat, blessing himself from
any future achievement of that sort in a house where he had been twice
in such imminent danger of life and reputation. Nevertheless, he did
not fail to honour the assignation, and avail himself of the
disposition his mistress manifested to make him all the recompense in
her power for the disappointment and chagrin which he had undergone.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
BUT AT LENGTH SUCCEEDS IN HIS ATTEMPT UPON BOTH.
Having thus gained a complete victory over the affections of these two
ladies, he began to convert his good fortune to the purposes of that
principle, from which his view was never, no, not for a moment,
detached. In other words, he used them as ministers and purveyors to
his avarice and fraud. As for the mother-in-law, she was of herself so
liberal as to anticipate the wishes of any moderate adventurer, and
presented him with sundry valuable jewels, as memorials of her esteem;
nor was the daughter backward in such expressions of regard; she
already considered his interest as her own, and took frequent
opportunities of secreting for his benefit certain stray trinkets that
she happened to pick up in her excursions within doors.
All these gratifications he received with demonstrations of infinite
constraint and reluctance, and, in the midst of his rapacious
extortion, acted so cunningly as to impose himself upon both for a
miracle of disinterested integrity. Yet, not contented with what he
thus could earn, and despairing of being able to steer the bark of his
fortune for any length of time between two such dangerous quicksands,
he resolved to profit by the occasion while it lasted, and strike some
considerable stroke at once. A plan was formed in consequence of this
determination, and, at an appointment with the mother in the house of
their female friend, our adventurer appeared with an air of dejection,
which he veiled with a thin cover of forced pleasantry, that his
mistress might suppose he endeavoured to conceal some mortal chagrin
that preyed upon his heart.
The stratagem succeeded to his wish. She observed his countenance
between whiles overcast, took notice of the involuntary sighs he
heaved; and, with the most tender expressions of sympathy, conjured him
to make her acquainted with the cause of his affliction. Instead of
gratifying her request immediately, he evaded her questions with a
respectful reserve, implying, that his love would not suffer him to
make her a partner in his sorrow; and this delicacy on his part whetted
her impatience and concern to such a degree, that, rather than keep her
in such an agony of doubt and apprehension, he was prevailed upon to
tell her, that he had been, the preceding night, engaged with a company
of his fellow-students, where he had made too free with the champagne,
so that his caution forsook him, and he had been decoyed into play by a
Tyrolese gamester, who stripped him of all his ready money, and
obtained from him an obligation for two hundred florins, which he could
not possibly pay without having recourse to his relation the Count de
Melvil, who would have just cause to be incensed at his extravagance.
This information he concluded, by declaring that, cost what it would,
he was resolved to make a candid confession of the truth, and throw
himself entirely upon the generosity of his patron, who could inflict
no other punishment than that of discarding him from his favour and
protection,—a misfortune which, how grievous soever it might be, he
should be able to sustain with fortitude, could he fall upon some
method of satisfying the Tyrolese, who was very importunate and savage
in his demand. His kind mistress no sooner found out the source of his
inquietude, than she promised to dry it up, assuring him that next day,
at the same hour, she would enable him to discharge the debt; so that
he might set his heart at ease, and recollect that gaiety which was the
soul of her enjoyment.
He expressed the utmost astonishment at this generous proffer, which,
however, he declined, with an affected earnestness of refusal,
protesting, that he should be extremely mortified, if he thought she
looked upon him as one of those mercenary gallants who could make such
a sordid use of a lady’s affection. “No, madam,” cried our politician
in a pathetic strain, “whatever happens, I shall never part with that
internal consolation, that conscious honour never fails to yield in the
deepest scenes of solitary distress. The attachment I have the honour
to profess for your amiable person, is not founded on such inglorious
motives, but is the genuine result of that generous passion which none
but the noble-minded feel, and the only circumstance of this misfortune
that I dread to encounter, is the necessity of withdrawing myself for
ever from the presence of her whose genial smiles could animate my soul
against all the persecution of adverse fortune.”
This declamation, accompanied with a profound sigh, served only to
inflame her desire of extricating him from the difficulty in which he
was involved. She exhausted all her eloquence in attempting to persuade
him that his refusal was an outrage against her affection. He pretended
to refute her arguments, and remained unshaken by all the power of her
solicitations, until she had recourse to the most passionate
remonstrances of love, and fell at his feet in the posture of a forlorn
shepherdess. What he refused to her reason, he granted to her tears,
because his heart was melted by her affliction, and next day
condescended to accept of her money, out of pure regard to her
happiness and peace.
Encouraged by the success of this achievement, he resolved to practise
the same experiment upon Wilhelmina, in hope of extracting an equal
share of profit from her simplicity and attachment, and, at their very
next nocturnal rendezvous in her chamber, reacted the farce already
rehearsed, with a small variation, which he thought necessary to
stimulate the young lady in his behalf. He rightly concluded, that she
was by no means mistress of such a considerable sum as he had already
extorted from her mother, and therefore thought proper to represent
himself in the most urgent predicament, that her apprehension, on his
account, might be so alarmed as to engage her in some enterprise for
his advantage, which otherwise she would never have dreamed of
undertaking. With this view, after having described his own calamitous
situation, in consequence of her pressing entreaties, which he affected
to evade, he gave her to understand, that there was no person upon
earth to whom he would have recourse in this emergency; for which
reason he was determined to rid himself of all his cares at once, upon
the friendly point of his own faithful sword.
Such a dreadful resolution could not fail to operate upon the tender
passions of his Dulcinea; she was instantly seized with an agony of
fear and distraction. Her grief manifested itself in a flood of tears,
while she hung round his neck, conjuring him in the most melting terms,
by their mutual love, in which they had been so happy, to lay aside
that fatal determination, which would infallibly involve her in the
same fate; for, she took Heaven to witness, that she would not one
moment survive the knowledge of his death.
He was not deficient in expressions of reciprocal regard. He extolled
her love and tenderness with a most extravagant eulogium, and seemed
wrung with mortal anguish at the prospect of parting for ever from his
lovely Wilhelmina; but his honour was a stern and rigid creditor, that
could not be appeased, except with his blood; and all the boon she
could obtain, by dint of the most woful supplication, was a promise to
defer the execution of his baleful purpose for the space of
four-and-twenty hours, during which she hoped Heaven would
compassionate her sufferings, and inspire her with some contrivance for
their mutual relief. Thus he yielded to her fervent request, rather