The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Complete
incurring the least penalty of the law.
“In a word, this metropolis is a vast masquerade, in which a man of
stratagem may wear a thousand different disguises, without danger of
detection. There is a variety of shapes in which we the knights of
industry make our appearance in London. One glides into a nobleman’s
house in the capacity of a valet-de-chambre, and in a few months leads
the whole family by the nose. Another exhibits himself to the public,
as an empiric or operator for the teeth; and by dint of assurance and
affidavits, bearing testimony to wonderful cures that never were
performed, whirls himself into his chariot, and lays the town under
contribution. A third professes the composition of music, as well as
the performance, and by means of a few capriciosos on the violin,
properly introduced, wriggles himself into the management of private
and public concerts. And a fourth breaks forth at once in all the
splendour of a gay equipage, under the title and denomination of a
foreign count. Not to mention those inferior projectors, who assume the
characters of dancers, fencing-masters, and French ushers, or, by
renouncing their religion, seek to obtain a provision for life.
“Either of these parts will turn to the account of an able actor; and,
as you are equally qualified for all, you may choose that which is most
suitable to your own inclination. Though, in my opinion, you was
designed by nature to shine in the great world, which, after all, is
the most ample field for men of genius; because the game is deeper, and
people of fashion being, for the most part, more ignorant, indolent,
vain, and capricious, than their inferiors, are of consequence more
easily deceived; besides, their morals sit generally so loose about
them, that, when a gentleman of our fraternity is discovered in the
exercise of his profession, their contempt of his skill is the only
disgrace he incurs.”
Our hero was so well pleased with this picture, that he longed to
peruse the original, and, before these two friends parted, they settled
all the operations of the campaign. Ratchcali, that same evening, hired
magnificent lodgings for Count Fathom, in the court end of the town,
and furnished his wardrobe and liveries from the spoils of Monmouth
Street; he likewise enlisted another footman and valet-de-chambre into
his service, and sent to the apartments divers large trunks, supposed
to be filled with the baggage of this foreign nobleman, though, in
reality, they contained little else than common lumber.
Next day, our adventurer took possession of his new habitation, after
having left to his friend and associate the task of dismissing the
unfortunate Elenor, who was so shocked at the unexpected message, that
she fainted away; and when she recovered the use of her senses so well
as to reflect upon her forlorn condition, she was seized with the most
violent transports of grief and dismay, by which her brain was
disordered to such a degree, that she grew furious and distracted, and
was, by the advice and assistance of the Tyrolese, conveyed into the
hospital of Bethlem; where we shall leave her for the present, happily
bereft of her reason.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
HE APPEARS IN THE GREAT WORLD WITH UNIVERSAL APPLAUSE AND ADMIRATION.
Meanwhile, Fathom and his engine were busied in completing his
equipage, so that in a few days he had procured a very gay chariot,
adorned with painting, gilding, and a coat of arms, according to his
own fancy and direction. The first use he made of this vehicle was that
of visiting the young nobleman from whom he had received such important
civilities on the road, in consequence of an invitation at parting, by
which he learned his title and the place of his abode in London.
His lordship was not only pleased, but proud to see such a stranger at
his gate, and entertained him with excess of complaisance and
hospitality; insomuch that, by his means, our hero soon became
acquainted with the whole circle of polite company, by whom he was
caressed for his insinuating manners and agreeable conversation. He had
thought proper to tell the nobleman, at their first interview in town,
that his reasons for concealing his knowledge of the English tongue
were now removed, and that he would no longer deny himself the pleasure
of speaking a language which had been always music to his ear. He had
also thanked his lordship for his generous interposition at the inn,
which was an instance of that generosity and true politeness which are
engrossed by the English people, who leave nought to other nations but
the mere shadow of these virtues.
A testimony like this, from the mouth of such a noble stranger, won the
heart of the peer, who professed a friendship for him on the spot, and
undertook to see justice done to his lacquey, who in a short time was
gratified with a share of the seizure which had been made upon his
information, amounting to fifty or sixty pounds.
Ferdinand put not forth the whole strength of his accomplishments at
once, but contrived to spring a new mine of qualification every day, to
the surprise and admiration of all his acquaintance. He was gifted with
a sort of elocution, much more specious than solid, and spoke on every
subject that occurred in conversation with that familiarity and ease,
which, one would think, could only be acquired by long study and
application. This plausibility and confidence are faculties really
inherited from nature, and effectually serve the possessor, in lieu of
that learning which is not to be obtained without infinite toil and
perseverance. The most superficial tincture of the arts and sciences in
such a juggler, is sufficient to dazzle the understanding of half
mankind; and, if managed with circumspection, will enable him even to
spend his life among the literati, without once forfeiting the
character of a connoisseur.
Our hero was perfectly master of this legerdemain, which he carried to
such a pitch of assurance, as to declare, in the midst of a
mathematical assembly, that he intended to gratify the public with a
full confutation of Sir Isaac Newton’s philosophy, to the nature of
which he was as much a stranger as the most savage Hottentot in Africa.
His pretensions to profound and universal knowledge were supported not
only by this kind of presumption, but also by the facility with which
he spoke so many different languages, and the shrewd remarks he had
made in the course of his travels and observation.
Among politicians, he settled the balance of power upon a certain
footing, by dint of ingenious schemes, which he had contrived for the
welfare of Europe. With officers, he reformed the art of war, with
improvements which had occurred to his reflection while he was engaged
in a military life. He sometimes held forth upon painting, like a
member of the Dilettanti club. The theory of music was a theme upon
which he seemed to expatiate with particular pleasure. In the provinces
of love and gallantry, he was a perfect Oroondates. He possessed a most
agreeable manner of telling entertaining stories, of which he had a
large collection; he sung with great melody and taste, and played upon
the violin with surprising execution. To these qualifications let us
add his affability and pliant disposition, and then the reader will not
wonder that he was looked upon as the pattern of human perfection, and
his acquaintance courted accordingly.
While he thus captivated the favour and affection of the English
nobility, he did not neglect to take other measures in behalf of the
partnership to which he had subscribed. The adventure with the two
squires at Paris had weakened his appetite for play, which was not at
all restored by the observations he had made in London, where the art
of gaming is reduced into a regular system, and its professors so
laudably devoted to the discharge of their functions, as to observe the
most temperate regimen, lest their invention should be impaired by the
fatigue of watching or exercise, and their ideas disturbed by the fumes
of indigestion. No Indian Brachman could live more abstemious than two
of the pack, who hunted in couple, and kennelled in the upper
apartments of the hotel in which our adventurer lived. They abstained
from animal food with the abhorrence of Pythagoreans, their drink was a
pure simple element, they were vomited once a week, took physic or a
glyster every third day, spent the forenoon in algebraical
calculations, and slept from four o’clock till midnight, that they
might then take the field with that cool serenity which is the effect
of refreshment and repose.
These were terms upon which our hero would not risk his fortune; he was
too much addicted to pleasure to forego every other enjoyment but that
of amassing; and did not so much depend upon his dexterity in play as
upon his talent of insinuation, which, by this time, had succeeded so
far beyond his expectation, that he began to indulge the hope of
enslaving the heart of some rich heiress, whose fortune would at once
raise him above all dependence. Indeed, no man ever set out with a
fairer prospect on such an expedition; for he had found means to render
himself so agreeable to the fair sex, that, like the boxes of the
playhouse, during the representation of a new performance, his company
was often bespoke for a series of weeks; and no lady, whether widow,
wife, or maiden, ever mentioned his name, without some epithet of
esteem or affection; such as the dear Count! the charming Man! the
Nonpareil, or the Angel!
While he thus shone in the zenith of admiration, it is not to be
doubted, that he could have melted some wealthy dowager or opulent
ward; but, being an enemy to all precipitate engagements, he resolved
to act with great care and deliberation in an affair of such
importance, especially as he did not find himself hurried by the
importunities of want; for, since his arrival in England, he had rather
increased than exhausted his finances, by methods equally certain and
secure. In a word, he, with the assistance of Ratchcali, carried on a
traffic, which yielded great profits, without subjecting the trader to
the least loss or inconvenience. Fathom, for example, wore upon his
finger a large brilliant, which he played to such advantage one night,
at a certain nobleman’s house, where he was prevailed upon to entertain
the company with a solo on the violin, that everybody present took
notice of its uncommon lustre, and it was handed about for the perusal
of every individual. The water and the workmanship were universally
admired; and one among the rest having expressed a desire of knowing
the value of such a jewel, the Count seized that opportunity of
entertaining them with a learned disquisition into the nature of
stones; this introduced the history of the diamond in question, which
he said had been purchased of an Indian trader of Fort St. George, at
an under price; so that the present proprietor could afford to sell it
at a very reasonable rate; and concluded with telling the company,
that, for his own part, he had been importuned to wear it by the
jeweller, who imagined it would have a better chance for attracting a
purchaser on his finger, than while it remained in his own custody.
This declaration was no sooner made, than a certain lady of quality
bespoke the refuse of the jewel, and desired Ferdinand to send the
owner next day to her house, where he accordingly waited upon her
ladyship with the ring, for which he received one hundred and fifty
guineas, two-thirds of the sum being clear gain, and equally divided
betwixt the associates. Nor was this bargain such as reflected
dishonour upon the lady’s taste, or could be productive of ill
consequences to the merchant; for the method of estimating diamonds is