The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Complete
he no longer felt, and found means to appease those intervening tumults
of her grief.
Foreseeing, however, that it would not be always in his power to
console her on these terms, he resolved, if possible, to divide her
affection, which now glowed upon him too intensely; and, with that
view, whenever she complained of the vapours or dejection, he
prescribed, and even insisted upon her swallowing certain cordials of
the most palatable composition, without which he never travelled; and
these produced such agreeable reveries and flow of spirits, that she
gradually became enamoured of intoxication; while he encouraged the
pernicious passion, by expressing the most extravagant applause and
admiration at the wild irregular sallies it produced. Without having
first made this diversion, he would have found it impracticable to
leave the house with tranquillity; but, when this bewitching philtre
grew into an habit, her attachment to Ferdinand was insensibly
dissolved; she began to bear his neglect with indifference, and,
sequestering herself from the rest of the family, used to solicit this
new ally for consolation.
Having thus put the finishing stroke to the daughter’s ruin, he took
leave of the father, with many acknowledgments and expressions of
gratitude for his hospitality and friendship, and, riding across the
country to Bristol, took up his habitation near the hot well, where he
stayed during the remaining part of the season. As for the miserable
Celinda, she became more and more addicted to the vices in which she
had been initiated by his superlative perfidy and craft, until she was
quite abandoned by decency and caution. Her father’s heart was torn
with anguish, while his wife rejoiced in her fall; at length her ideas
were quite debased by her infirmity; she grew every day more and more
sensual and degenerate, and contracted an intimacy with one of the
footmen, who was kind enough to take her to wife, in hope of obtaining
a good settlement from his master; but, being disappointed in his aim,
he conducted her to London, where he made shift to insinuate himself
into another service, leaving her to the use, and partly the advantage,
of her own person, which was still uncommonly attractive.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
HE REPAIRS TO BRISTOL SPRING, WHERE HE REIGNS PARAMOUNT DURING THE
WHOLE SEASON.
We shall therefore leave her in this comfortable situation, and return
to our adventurer, whose appearance at Bristol was considered as a
happy omen by the proprietor of the hot well, and all the people who
live by the resort of company to that celebrated spring. Nor were they
deceived in their prognostic. Fathom, as usual, formed the nucleus or
kernel of the beau monde; and the season soon became so crowded, that
many people of fashion were obliged to quit the place for want of
lodging. Ferdinand was the soul that animated the whole society. He not
only invented parties of pleasure, but also, by his personal talents,
rendered them more agreeable. In a word, he regulated their diversions,
and the master of the ceremonies never would allow the ball to be begun
till the Count was seated.
Having thus made himself the object of admiration and esteem, his
advice was an oracle, to which they had recourse in all doubtful cases
of punctilio or dispute, or even of medicine; for among his other
accomplishments, his discourse on that subject was so plausible, and
well adapted to the understanding of his hearers, that any person who
had not actually studied the medical art would have believed he was
inspired by the spirit of Aesculapius. What contributed to the
aggrandisement of his character in this branch of knowledge, was a
victory he obtained over an old physician, who plied at the well, and
had one day unfortunately begun to harangue in the pump-room upon the
nature of the Bristol water. In the course of this lecture he undertook
to account for the warmth of the fluid; and his ideas being perplexed
with a great deal of reading, which he had not been able to digest, his
disquisition was so indistinct, and his expression so obscure and
unentertaining, that our hero seized the opportunity of displaying his
own erudition, by venturing to contradict some circumstances of the
doctor’s hypothesis, and substituting a theory of his own, which, as he
had invented it for the purpose, was equally amusing and chimerical.
He alleged, that fire was the sole vivifying principle that pervaded
all nature; that, as the heat of the sun concocted the juice of
vegetables, and ripened those fruits that grow upon the surface of this
globe, there was likewise an immense store of central fire reserved
within the bowels of the earth, not only for the generation of gems,
fossils, and all the purposes of the mineral world, but likewise for
cherishing and keeping alive those plants which would otherwise perish
by the winter’s cold. The existence of such a fire he proved from the
nature of all those volcanoes, which in almost every corner of the
earth are continually vomiting up either flames or smoke. “These,” said
he, “are the great vents appointed by nature for the discharge of that
rarefied air and combustible matter, which, if confined, would burst
the globe asunder; but, besides the larger outlets, there are some
small chimneys through which part of the heat transpires; a vapour of
that sort, I conceive, must pass through the bed or channel of this
spring, the waters of which, accordingly retain a moderate warmth.”
This account, which totally overthrew the other’s doctrine, was so
extremely agreeable to the audience, that the testy doctor lost his
temper, and gave them to understand, without preamble, that he must be
a person wholly ignorant of natural philosophy, who could invent such a
ridiculous system, and they involved in worse than an Egyptian fog,
that could not at once discern its weakness and absurdity. This
declaration introduced a dispute, which was unanimously determined in
favour of our adventurer. On all such occasions the stream of prejudice
runs against the physician, even though his antagonist has nothing to
recommend himself to the favour of the spectators; and this decision
depends upon divers considerations. In the first place, there is a
continual war carried on against the learned professions, by all those
who, conscious of their own ignorance, seek to level the reputation of
their superiors with their own. Secondly, in all disputes upon physic
that happen betwixt a person who really understands the art, and an
illiterate pretender, the arguments of the first will seem obscure and
unintelligible to those who are unacquainted with the previous systems
on which they are built; while the other’s theory, derived from common
notions, and superficial observation, will be more agreeable, because
better adapted to the comprehension of the hearers. Thirdly, the
judgment of the multitude is apt to be biassed by that surprise which
is the effect of seeing an artist foiled at his own weapons, by one who
engages him only for amusement.
Fathom, besides these advantages, was blessed with a flow of language,
an elegant address, a polite and self-denying style of argumentation,
together with a temper not to be ruffled; so that the victory could not
long waver between him and the physician, to whom he was infinitely
superior in every acquisition but that of solid learning, of which the
judges had no idea. This contest was not only glorious but profitable
to our adventurer, who grew into such request in his medical capacity,
that the poor doctor was utterly deserted by his patients, and Fathom’s
advice solicited by every valetudinarian in the place; nor did he
forfeit the character he thus acquired by any miscarriages in his
practice. Being but little conversant with the materia medica, the
circle of his prescriptions was very small; his chief study was to
avoid all drugs of rough operation and uncertain effect, and to
administer such only as should be agreeable to the palate, without
doing violence to the constitution. Such a physician could not but be
agreeable to people of all dispositions; and, as most of the patients
were in some shape hypochondriac, the power of imagination,
co-operating with his remedies, often effected a cure.
On the whole, it became the fashion to consult the Count in all
distempers, and his reputation would have had its run, though the death
of every patient had given the lie to his pretensions. But empty fame
was not the sole fruit of his success. Though no person would presume
to affront this noble graduate with a fee, they did not fail to
manifest their gratitude by some more valuable present. Every day some
superb piece of china, curious snuffbox, or jewel, was pressed upon
him; so that, at the end of the season, he could almost have furnished
a toyshop with the acknowledgments he had received. Not only his
avarice, but his pleasure, was gratified in the course of his medical
administration. He enjoyed free access, egress, and regress with all
the females at the well, and no matron scrupled to put her daughter
under his care and direction. These opportunities could not be lost
upon a man of his intriguing genius; though he conducted his amours
with such discretion, that, during the whole season, no lady’s
character suffered on his account, yet he was highly fortunate in his
addresses, and we may venture to affirm, that the reproach of
barrenness was more than once removed by the vigour of his endeavours.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
HE IS SMITTEN WITH THE CHARMS OF A FEMALE ADVENTURER, WHOSE ALLUREMENTS
SUBJECT HIM TO A NEW VICISSITUDE OF FORTUNE.
Among those who were distinguished by his gallantry was the young wife
of an old citizen of London, who had granted her permission to reside
at the hot well for the benefit of her health, under the eye and
inspection of his own sister, who was a maiden of fifty years. The
pupil, whose name was Mrs. Trapwell, though low in stature, was finely
shaped, her countenance engaging, though her complexion was brown, her
hair in colour rivalled the raven’s back, and her eyes emulated the
lustre of the diamond. Fathom had been struck with her first
appearance; but found it impracticable to elude the vigilance of her
duenna, so as to make a declaration of his flame; until she herself,
guessing the situation of his thoughts, and not displeased with the
discovery, thought proper to furnish him with the opportunity he
wanted, by counterfeiting an indisposition, for the cure of which she
knew his advice would be implored. This was the beginning of an
acquaintance, which was soon improved to his wish; and so well did she
manage her attractions, as in some measure to fix the inconstancy of
his disposition; for, at the end of the season, his passion was not
sated; and they concerted the means of continuing their commerce, even
after their return to London.
This intercourse effectually answered the purpose of the husband, who
had been decoyed into matrimony by the cunning of his spouse, whom he
had privately kept as a concubine before marriage. Conscious of her own
precarious situation, she had resolved to impose upon the infirmities
of Trapwell, and, feigning herself pregnant, gave him to understand she
could no longer conceal her condition from the knowledge of her
brother, who was an officer in the army, and of such violent passions,
that, should he once discover her backsliding, he would undoubtedly
wipe away the stains of his family dishonour with her own blood, as
well as that of her keeper. The citizen, to prevent such a catastrophe,
took her to wife; but soon after perceiving the trick which had been
played upon him, set his invention at work, and at length contrived a
scheme which he thought would enable him, not only to retrieve his