The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Complete
applauded Catullus, Juvenal, Persius, and Lucan, for their spirit in
lashing the greatest names of antiquity; yet, when a British satirist,
of this generation, has courage enough to call in question the talents
of a pseudo-patron in power, accuse him of insolence, rancour, and
scurrility.
If such you be, courteous reader, I say again, have a little patience;
for your entertainment we are about to write. Our hero shall, with all
convenient despatch, be gradually sublimed into those splendid
connexions of which you are enamoured; and God forbid, that, in the
meantime, the nature of his extraction should turn to his prejudice in
a land of freedom like this, where individuals are every day ennobled
in consequence of their own qualifications, without the least
retrospective regard to the rank or merit of their ancestors. Yes,
refined reader, we are hastening to that goal of perfection, where
satire dares not show her face; where nature is castigated, almost even
to still life; where humour turns changeling, and slavers in an insipid
grin; where wit is volatilised into a mere vapour; where decency,
divested of all substance, hovers about like a fantastic shadow; where
the salt of genius, escaping, leaves nothing but pure and simple
phlegm; and the inoffensive pen for ever drops the mild manna of
soul-sweetening praise.
CHAPTER TWO
A SUPERFICIAL VIEW OF OUR HERO’S INFANCY.
Having thus bespoken the indulgence of our guests, let us now produce
the particulars of our entertainment, and speedily conduct our
adventurer through the stage of infancy, which seldom teems with
interesting incidents.
As the occupations of his mother would not conveniently permit her to
suckle this her firstborn at her own breast, and those happy ages were
now no more, in which the charge of nursing a child might be left to
the next goat or she-wolf, she resolved to improve upon the ordinances
of nature, and foster him with a juice much more energetic than the
milk of goat, wolf, or woman; this was no other than that delicious
nectar, which, as we have already hinted, she so cordially distributed
from a small cask that hung before her, depending from her shoulders by
a leathern zone. Thus determined, ere he was yet twelve days old, she
enclosed him in a canvas knapsack, which being adjusted to her neck,
fell down upon her back, and balanced the cargo that rested on her
bosom.
There are not wanting those who affirm, that, while her double charge
was carried about in this situation, her keg was furnished with a long
and slender flexible tube, which, when the child began to be clamorous,
she conveyed into his mouth, and straight he stilled himself with
sucking; but this we consider as an extravagant assertion of those who
mix the marvellous in all their narrations, because we cannot conceive
how the tender organs of an infant could digest such a fiery beverage,
which never fails to discompose the constitutions of the most hardy and
robust. We therefore conclude that the use of this potation was more
restrained, and that it was with simple element diluted into a
composition adapted to his taste and years. Be this as it will, he
certainly was indulged in the use of it to such a degree as would have
effectually obstructed his future fortune, had not he been happily
cloyed with the repetition of the same fare, for which he conceived the
utmost detestation and abhorrence, rejecting it with loathing and
disgust, like those choice spirits, who, having been crammed with
religion in their childhood, renounce it in their youth, among other
absurd prejudices of education.
While he was thus dangled in a state of suspension, a German trooper
was transiently smit with the charms of his mother, who listened to his
honourable addresses, and once more received the silken bonds of
matrimony; the ceremony having been performed as usual at the
drum-head. The lady had no sooner taken possession of her new name,
than she bestowed it upon her son, who was thenceforward distinguished
by the appellation of Ferdinand de Fadom; nor was the husband offended
at this presumption in his wife, which he not only considered as a
proof of her affection and esteem, but also as a compliment, by which
he might in time acquire the credit of being the real father of such a
hopeful child.
Notwithstanding this new engagement with a foreigner, our hero’s mother
still exercised the virtues of her calling among the English troops, so
much was she biassed by that laudable partiality, which, as Horace
observes, the natale solum generally inspires. Indeed this inclination
was enforced by another reason, that did not fail to influence her
conduct in this particular; all her knowledge of the High Dutch
language consisted in some words of traffic absolutely necessary for
the practice of her vocation, together with sundry oaths and terms of
reproach, that kept her customers in awe; so that, except among her own
countrymen, she could not indulge that propensity to conversation, for
which she had been remarkable from her earliest years. Nor did this
instance of her affection fail of turning to her account in the sequel.
She was promoted to the office of cook to a regimental mess of
officers; and, before the peace of Utrecht, was actually in possession
of a suttling-tent, pitched for the accommodation of the gentlemen in
the army.
Meanwhile, Ferdinand improved apace in the accomplishments of infancy;
his beauty was conspicuous, and his vigour so uncommon, that he was
with justice likened unto Hercules in the cradle. The friends of his
father-in-law dandled him on their knees, while he played with their
whiskers, and, before he was thirteen months old, taught him to suck
brandy impregnated with gunpowder, through the touch-hole of a pistol.
At the same time, he was caressed by divers serjeants of the British
army, who severally and in secret contemplated his qualifications with
a father’s pride, excited by the artful declaration with which the
mother had flattered each apart.
Soon as the war was (for her unhappily) concluded, she, as in duty
bound, followed her husband into Bohemia; and his regiment being sent
into garrison at Prague, she opened a cabaret in that city, which was
frequented by a good many guests of the Scotch and Irish nations, who
were devoted to the exercise of arms in the service of the Emperor. It
was by this communication that the English tongue became vernacular to
young Ferdinand, who, without such opportunity, would have been a
stranger to the language of his forefathers, in spite of all his
mother’s loquacity and elocution; though it must be owned, for the
credit of her maternal care, that she let slip no occasion of making it
familiar to his ear and conception; for, even at those intervals in
which she could find no person to carry on the altercation, she used to
hold forth in earnest soliloquies upon the subject of her own
situation, giving vent to many opprobrious invectives against her
husband’s country, between which and Old England she drew many odious
comparisons; and prayed, without ceasing, that Europe might speedily be
involved in a general war, so as that she might have some chance of
re-enjoying the pleasures and emoluments of a Flanders campaign.
CHAPTER THREE
HE IS INITIATED IN A MILITARY LIFE, AND HAS THE GOOD FORTUNE TO ACQUIRE
A GENEROUS PATRON.
While she wearied Heaven with these petitions, the flame of war broke
out betwixt the houses of Ottoman and Austria, and the Emperor sent
forth an army into Hungary, under the auspices of the renowned Prince
Eugene. On account of this expedition, the mother of our hero gave up
housekeeping, and cheerfully followed her customers and husband into
the field; having first provided herself with store of those
commodities in which she had formerly merchandised. Although the hope
of profit might in some measure affect her determination, one of the
chief motives for her visiting the frontiers of Turkey, was the desire
of initiating her son in the rudiments of his education, which she now
thought high time to inculcate, he being, at this period, in the sixth
year of his age; he was accordingly conducted to the camp, which she
considered as the most consummate school of life, and proposed for the
scene of his instruction; and in this academy he had not continued many
weeks, when he was an eye-witness of that famous victory, which, with
sixty thousand men, the Imperial general obtained over an army of one
hundred and fifty thousand Turks.
His father-in-law was engaged, and his mother would not be idle on this
occasion. She was a perfect mistress of all the camp qualifications,
and thought it a duty incumbent on her to contribute all that lay in
her power towards distressing the enemy. With these sentiments she
hovered about the skirts of the army, and the troops were no sooner
employed in the pursuit, than she began to traverse the field of battle
with a poignard and a bag, in order to consult her own interest, annoy
the foe, and exercise her humanity at the same time. In short, she had,
with amazing prowess, delivered some fifty or threescore disabled
Mussulmen of the pain under which they groaned, and made a comfortable
booty of the spoils of the slain, when her eyes were attracted by the
rich attire of an Imperial officer, who lay bleeding on the plain, to
all appearance in the agonies of death.
She could not in her heart refuse that favour to a friend and Christian
she had so compassionately bestowed upon so many enemies and infidels,
and therefore drew near with the sovereign remedy, which she had
already administered with such success. As she approached this
deplorable object of pity, her ears were surprised with an ejaculation
in the English tongue, which he fervently pronounced, though with a
weak and languid voice, recommending his soul to God, and his family to
the protection of Heaven. Our Amazon’s purpose was staggered by this
providential incident; the sound of her native language, so
unexpectedly heard, and so pathetically delivered, had a surprising
effect upon her imagination; and the faculty of reflection did not
forsake her in such emergency. Though she could not recollect the
features of this unhappy officer, she concluded, from his appearance,
that he was some person of distinction in the service, and foresaw
greater advantage to herself in attempting to preserve his life, than
she could possibly reap from the execution of her first resolve. “If,”
said she to herself, “I can find means of conveying him to his tent
alive, he cannot but in conscience acknowledge my humanity with some
considerable recompense; and, should he chance to survive his wounds, I
have everything to expect from his gratitude and power.”
Fraught with these prudential suggestions, she drew near the
unfortunate stranger, and, in a softened accent of pity and condolence,
questioned him concerning his name, condition, and the nature of his
mischance, at the same time making a gentle tender of her service.
Agreeably surprised to hear himself accosted in such a manner, by a
person whose equipage seemed to promise far other designs, he thanked
her in the most grateful terms for her humanity, with the appellation
of kind countrywoman; gave her to understand that he was colonel of a
regiment of horse; that he had fallen in consequence of a shot he
received in his breast at the beginning of the action; and, finally,
entreated her to procure some carriage on which he might be removed to
his tent. Perceiving him faint and exhausted with loss of blood, she
raised up his head, and treated him with that cordial which was her
constant companion. At that instant, espying a small body of hussars
returning to the camp with the plunder they had taken, she invoked