The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Complete
put him out of countenance, by raising the laugh at his expense, asked
him one night, at a drum, when he had heard from his relations in
Poland? She succeeded in her design upon the mirth of the audience, but
was disappointed in the other part of her aim; for our hero replied,
without the least mark of discomposure, “They are all in good health at
your service, madam; I wish I knew in what part of the world your
relations reside, that I might return the compliment.” By this answer,
which was the more severe, as the young lady was of very doubtful
extraction, he retorted the laugh upon the aggressor, though he
likewise failed in his attempt upon her temper; for she was perhaps the
only person present who equalled himself in stability of countenance.
Notwithstanding this appearance of unconcern, he was deeply touched
with these marks of alienation in the behaviour of his friends, and,
foreseeing in his own disgrace the total shipwreck of his fortune, he
entered into a melancholy deliberation with himself about the means of
retrieving his importance in the beau monde, or of turning his address
into some other channel, where he could stand upon a less slippery
foundation. In this exercise of his thoughts, no scheme occurred more
feasible than that of securing the booty he had made, and retiring with
his associate, who was also blown, into some other country, where their
names and characters being unknown, they might pursue their old plan of
commerce without molestation. He imparted this suggestion to the
Tyrolese, who approved the proposal of decamping, though he combated
with all his might our hero’s inclination to withdraw himself before
the trial, by repeating the assurances of the solicitor, who told him
he might depend upon being reimbursed by the sentence of the court for
great part of the sums he had expended in the course of the
prosecution.
Fathom suffered himself to be persuaded by these arguments, supported
with the desire of making an honourable retreat, and, waiting patiently
for the day of trouble, discharged his sureties, by a personal
appearance in court. Yet this was not the only score he discharged that
morning; the solicitor presented his own bill before they set out for
Westminster Hall, and gave the Count to understand that it was the
custom, from time immemorial, for the client to clear with his attorney
before trial. Ferdinand had nothing to object against this established
rule, though he looked upon it as a bad omen, in spite of all the
solicitor’s confidence and protestations; and he was not a little
confounded, when, looking into the contents, he found himself charged
with 350 attendances. He knew it was not his interest to disoblige his
lawyer at such a juncture; nevertheless, he could not help
expostulating with him on this article, which seemed to be so falsely
stated with regard to the number; when his questions drew on an
explanation, by which he found he had incurred the penalty of three
shillings and fourpence for every time he chanced to meet the
conscientious attorney, either in the park, the coffee-house, or the
street, provided they had exchanged the common salutation; and he had
good reason to believe the solicitor had often thrown himself in his
way, with a view to swell this item of his account.
With this extortion our adventurer was fain to comply, because he lay
at the mercy of the caitiff; accordingly, he with a good grace paid the
demand, which, including his former disbursements, amounted to three
hundred and sixty-five pounds eleven shillings and threepence three
farthings, and then presenting himself before the judge, quietly
submitted to the laws of the realm. His counsel behaved like men of
consummate abilities in their profession; they exerted themselves with
equal industry, eloquence, and erudition, in their endeavours to
perplex the truth, browbeat the evidence, puzzle the judge, and mislead
the jury; but the defendant found himself wofully disappointed in the
deposition of Trapwell’s journeyman, whom the solicitor pretended to
have converted to his interest. This witness, as the attorney
afterwards declared, played booty, and the facts came out so clear,
that Ferdinand Count Fathom was convicted of criminal conversation with
the plaintiff’s wife, and cast in fifteen hundred pounds, under the
denomination of damages.
He was not so much surprised as afflicted at this decision, because he
saw it gradually approaching from the examination of the first
evidence. His thoughts were now employed in casting about for some
method of deliverance from the snare in which he found himself
entangled. To escape, he foresaw it would be impracticable, as Trapwell
would undoubtedly be prepared for arresting him before he could quit
Westminster Hall; he was too well acquainted with Ratchcali’s
principles, to expect any assistance from that quarter in money
matters; and he was utterly averse to the payment of the sum awarded
against him, which would have exhausted his whole fortune. He therefore
resolved to try the friendship of some persons of fashion, with whom he
had maintained an intimacy of correspondence. Should they fail him in
the day of his necessity, he proposed to have recourse to his former
sureties, one of whom he meant to bilk, while the other might accompany
him in his retreat; or, should both these expedients miscarry, he
determined, rather than part with his effects, to undergo the most
disagreeable confinement, in hope of obtaining the jailor’s connivance
at his escape.
These resolutions being taken, he met his fate with great fortitude and
equanimity, and calmly suffered himself to be conveyed to the house of
a sheriff’s officer, who, as he made his exit from the hall, according
to his own expectation, executed a writ against him, at the suit of
Trapwell, for a debt of two thousand pounds. To this place he was
followed by his solicitor, who was allured by the prospect of another
job, and who, with great demonstrations of satisfaction, congratulated
him upon the happy issue of the trial; arrogating to himself the merit
of having saved him eight thousand pounds in the article of damages, by
the previous steps he had taken, and the noble defence that he and his
friends the counsel had made for their client; he even hinted an
expectation of receiving a gratuity for his extraordinary care and
discretion.
Fathom, galled as he was with his misfortune, and enraged at the
effrontery of this pettifogger, maintained a serenity of countenance,
and sent the attorney with a message to the plaintiff, importing, that,
as he was a foreigner, and could not be supposed to have so much cash
about him, as to spare fifteen hundred pounds from the funds of his
ordinary expense, he would grant him a bond payable in two months,
during which period he should be able to procure a proper remittance
from his own estate. While the solicitor was employed in this
negotiation, he despatched his valet-de-chambre to one nobleman, and
Maurice to another, with billets, signifying the nature of the verdict
which his adversary had obtained, and desiring that each would lend him
a thousand pounds upon his parole, until he could negotiate bills upon
the Continent.
His three messengers returned almost at the same instant of time, and
these were the answers they brought back.
Trapwell absolutely rejected his personal security; and threatened him
with all the horrors of a jail, unless he would immediately discharge
the debt, or procure sufficient bondsmen; and one of his quality
friends favoured him with this reply to his request:—
“MY DEAR COUNT!
I am mortally chagrined at the triumph you have furnished to that
rascally citizen. By the lard! the judge must have been in the terrors
of cuckoldom, to influence the decision; and the jury a mere herd of
horned beasts, to bring in such a barbarous verdict. Egad! at this
rate, no gentleman will be able to lie with another man’s wife, but at
the risk of a cursed prosecution. But to waive this disagreeable
circumstance, which you must strive to forget; I declare my
mortification is still the greater, because I cannot at present supply
you with the trifle your present exigency requires; for, to tell you a
secret, my own finances are in damnable confusion. But a man of Count
Fathom’s figure and address can never be puzzled for the want of such a
paltry sum. Adieu, my dear Count! we shall, I suppose, have the
pleasure of seeing you to-morrow at White’s: meanwhile, I have the
honour to be, with the most perfect attachment,
yours, GRIZZLEGRIN.”
The other noble peer, to whom he addressed himself on this occasion,
cherished the same sentiments of virtue, friendship, and generosity;
but his expression was so different, that we shall, for the edification
of the reader, transcribe his letter in his own words:—
“SIR,
I was never more astonished than at the receipt of your very
extraordinary billet, wherein you solicit the loan of a thousand
pounds, which you desire may be sent with the bearer on the faith of
your parole. Sir, I have no money to send you or lend you; and cannot
help repeating my expressions of surprise at your confidence in making
such a strange and unwarranted demand. ’Tis true, I may have made
professions of friendship, while I looked upon you as a person of
honour and good morals; but now that you are convicted of such a
flagrant violation of the laws of that kingdom where you have been
treated with such hospitality and respect, I think myself fully
absolved from any such conditional promise, which indeed is never
interpreted into any other than a bare compliment. I am sorry you have
involved your character and fortune in such a disagreeable affair, and
am,
Sir, yours, etc.
TROMPINGTON.”
Ferdinand was not such a novice in the world as to be disappointed at
these repulses; especially as he had laid very little stress upon the
application, which was made by way of an experiment upon the gratitude
or caprice of those two noblemen, whom he had actually more than once
obliged with the same sort of assistance which he now solicited, though
not to such a considerable amount.
Having nothing further to expect from the fashionable world, he sent
the Tyrolese to the person who had been bail for his appearance, with
full instructions to explain his present occasion in the most
favourable light, and desire he would reinforce the credit of the Count
with his security; but that gentleman, though he placed the most
perfect confidence on the honour of our hero, and would have willingly
entered into bonds again for his personal appearance, was not quite so
well satisfied of his circumstances, as to become liable for the
payment of two thousand pounds, an expense which, in his opinion, the
finances of no foreign Count were able to defray. He therefore lent a
deaf ear to the most pressing remonstrances of the ambassador, who had
recourse to several other merchants, with the same bad success; so that
the prisoner, despairing of bail, endeavoured to persuade Ratchcali,
that it would be his interest to contribute a thousand pounds towards
his discharge, that he might be enabled to quit England with a good
grace, and execute his part of the plan they had projected.
So powerful was his eloquence on the occasion, and such strength of
argument did he use, that even the Tyrolese seemed convinced, though
reluctantly, and agreed to advance the necessary sum upon the bond and
judgment of our adventurer, who, being disabled from transacting his
own affairs in person, was obliged to intrust Ratchcali with his keys,
papers, and power of attorney, under the check and inspection of his
faithful Maurice and the solicitor, whose fidelity he bespoke with the
promise of an ample recompense.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT