The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Complete
This was a person equally remarkable for his extraordinary figure and
address; his age seemed to border upon forty, his stature amounted to
five feet, his visage was long, meagre, and weather-beaten, and his
aspect, though not quite rueful, exhibited a certain formality, which
was the result of care and conscious importance. He was very little
encumbered with flesh and blood; yet what body he had was well
proportioned, his limbs were elegantly turned, and by his carriage he
was well entitled to that compliment which we pay to any person when we
say he has very much the air of a gentleman. There was also an evident
singularity in his dress, which, though intended as an improvement,
appeared to be an extravagant exaggeration of the mode, and at once
evinced him an original to the discerning eyes of our adventurer, who
received him with his usual complaisance, and made a very eloquent
acknowledgment of the honour and satisfaction he received from the
visit of the representative, and the hospitality of his constituents.
The captain’s peculiarities were not confined to his external
appearance; for his voice resembled the sound of a bassoon, or the
aggregate hum of a whole bee-hive, and his discourse was almost nothing
else than a series of quotations from the English poets, interlarded
with French phrases, which he retained for their significance, on the
recommendation of his friends, being himself unacquainted with that or
any other outlandish tongue.
Fathom, finding this gentleman of a very communicative disposition,
thought he could not have a fairer opportunity of learning the history
of his fellow-prisoners; and, turning the conversation on that subject,
was not disappointed in his expectation. “I don’t doubt, sir,” said he,
with the utmost solemnity of declamation, “but you look with horror
upon every object that surrounds you in this uncomfortable place; but,
nevertheless, here are some, who, as my friend Shakespeare has it, have
seen better days, and have with holy bell been knolled to church; and
sat at good men’s feasts, and wiped their eyes of drops that sacred
pity hath engendered. You must know, sir, that, exclusive of the
canaille, or the profanum vulgus, as they are styled by Horace, there
are several small communities in the jail, consisting of people who are
attracted by the manners and dispositions of each other; for this
place, sir, is quite a microcosm, and as the great world, so is this, a
stage, and all the men and women merely players. For my own part, sir,
I have always made it a maxim to associate with the best of company I
can find. Not that I pretend to boast of my family or extraction;
because, you know, as the poet says, Vix ea nostra voco. My father,
’tis true, was a man that piqued himself upon his pedigree, as well as
upon his politesse and personal merit; for he had been a very old
officer in the army, and I myself may say I was born with a spontoon in
my hand. Sir, I have had the honour to serve his Majesty these twenty
years, and have been bandied about in the course of duty through all
the British plantations, and you see the recompense of all my service.
But this is a disagreeable subject, and therefore I shall waive it;
however, as Butler observes:
My only comfort is, that now
My dubbolt fortune is so low,
That either it must quickly end,
Or turn about again and mend.
“And now, to return from this digression, you will perhaps be surprised
to hear that the head or chairman of our club is really a sovereign
prince; no less, I’ll assure you, than the celebrated Theodore king of
Corsica, who lies in prison for a debt of a few hundred pounds. Heu!
quantum mutatus ab illo. It is not my business to censure the conduct
of my superiors; but I always speak my mind in a cavalier manner, and
as, according to the Spectator, talking to a friend is no more than
thinking aloud, entre nous, his Corsican majesty has been scurvily
treated by a certain administration. Be that as it will, he is a
personage of a very portly appearance, and is quite master of the
bienseance. Besides, they will find it their interest to have recourse
again to his alliance; and in that case some of us may expect to profit
by his restoration. But few words are best.
“He that maintains the second rank in our assembly is one Major
Macleaver, an Irish gentleman, who has served abroad; a soldier of
fortune, sir, a man of unquestionable honour and courage, but a little
overbearing, in consequence of his knowledge and experience. He is a
person of good address,—to be sure, and quite free of the mauvaise
honte, and he may have seen a good deal of service. But what then?
other people may be as good as he, though they have not had such
opportunities; if he speaks five or six languages, he does not pretend
to any taste in the liberal arts, which are the criterion of an
accomplished gentleman.
“The next is Sir Mungo Barebones, the representative of a very ancient
family in the north; his affairs are very much deranged, but he is a
gentleman of great probity and learning, and at present engaged in a
very grand scheme, which, if he can bring it to bear, will render him
famous to all posterity; no less than the conversion of the Jews and
the Gentiles. The project, I own, looks chimerical to one who has not
conversed with the author; but, in my opinion, he has clearly
demonstrated, from an anagrammatical analysis of a certain Hebrew word,
that his present Majesty, whom God preserve, is the person pointed at
in Scripture as the temporal Messiah of the Jews; and, if he could once
raise by subscription such a trifling sum as twelve hundred thousand
pounds, I make no doubt but he would accomplish his aim, vast and
romantic as it seems to be.
“Besides these, we have another messmate, who is a French chevalier, an
odd sort of a man, a kind of Lazarillo de Tormes, a caricatura; he
wears a long beard, pretends to be a great poet, and makes a d—-ed
fracas with his verses. The king has been obliged to exert his
authority over him more than once, by ordering him into close
confinement, for which he was so rash as to send his majesty a
challenge; but he afterwards made his submission, and was again taken
into favour. The truth is, I believe his brain is a little disordered,
and, he being a stranger, we overlook his extravagancies.
“Sir, we shall think ourselves happy in your accession to our society.
You will be under no sort of restraint; for, though we dine at one
table, every individual calls and pays for his own mess. Our
conversation, such as it is, will not, I hope, be disagreeable; and
though we have not opportunities of breathing the pure Arcadian air,
and cannot, ‘under the shade of melancholy boughs, lose and neglect the
creeping hours of time,’ we may enjoy ourselves over a glass of punch
or a dish of tea. Nor are we destitute of friends, who visit us in
these shades of distress. The major has a numerous acquaintance of both
sexes; among others, a first cousin of good fortune, who, with her
daughters, often cheer our solitude; she is a very sensible ladylike
gentlewoman, and the young ladies have a certain degagee air, that
plainly shows they have seen the best company. Besides, I will venture
to recommend Mrs. Minikin as a woman of tolerable breeding and
capacity, who, I hope, will not be found altogether deficient in the
accomplishments of the sex. So that we find means to make little
parties, in which the time glides away insensibly. Then I have a small
collection of books which are at your service. You may amuse yourself
with Shakespeare, or Milton, or Don Quixote, or any of our modern
authors that are worth reading, such as the Adventures of Loveill, Lady
Frail, George Edwards, Joe Thompson, Bampfylde Moore Carew, Young
Scarron, and Miss Betsy Thoughtless; and if you have a taste for
drawing, I can entertain you with a parcel of prints by the best
masters.”
A man of our hero’s politeness could not help expressing himself in the
warmest terms of gratitude for this courteous declaration. He thanked
the captain in particular for his obliging offers, and begged he would
be so good as to present his respects to the society, of which he
longed to be a member. It was determined, therefore, that Minikin
should return in an hour, when the Count would be dressed, in order to
conduct him into the presence of his majesty; and he had already taken
his leave for the present, when all of a sudden he came back, and
taking hold of a waistcoat that lay upon a chair, “Sir,” said he, “give
me leave to look at that fringe; I think it is the most elegant
knitting I ever saw. But pray, sir, are not these quite out of fashion?
I thought plain silk, such as this that I wear, had been the mode, with
the pockets very low.” Before Fathom had time to make any sort of
reply, he took notice of his hat and pumps; the first of which, he
said, was too narrow in the brims, and the last an inch too low in the
heels. Indeed, they formed a remarkable contrast with his own; for,
exclusive of the fashion of the cock, which resembled the form of a
Roman galley, the brim of his hat, if properly spread, would have
projected a shade sufficient to shelter a whole file of musketeers from
the heat of a summer’s sun; and the heels of his shoes were so high as
to raise his feet three inches at least from the surface of the earth.
Having made these observations, for the credit of his taste, he
retired, and returning at the time appointed, accompanied Ferdinand to
the apartment of the king, at the doors of which their ears were
invaded with a strange sound, being that of a human voice imitating the
noise of a drum. The captain, hearing this alarm, made a full stop,
and, giving the Count to understand that his majesty was busy, begged
he would not take it amiss, if the introduction should be delayed for a
few moments. Fathom, curious to know the meaning of what he had heard,
applied to his guide for information, and learned that the king and the
major, whom he had nominated to the post of his general-in-chief, were
employed in landing troops upon the Genoese territory; that is, that
they were settling beforehand the manner of their disembarkation.
He then, by the direction of his conductor, reconnoitred them through
the keyhole, and perceived the sovereign and his minister sitting on
opposite sides of a deal board table, covered with a large chart or
map, upon which he saw a great number of mussel and oyster shells
ranged in a certain order, and, at a little distance, several regular
squares and columns made of cards cut in small pieces. The prince
himself, whose eyes were reinforced by spectacles, surveyed this
armament with great attention, while the general put the whole in
action, and conducted their motions by beat of drum. The mussel-shells,
according to Minikin’s explanation, represented the transports, the
oyster-shells were considered as the men-of-war that covered the troops
in landing, and the pieces of card exhibited the different bodies into
which the army was formed upon its disembarkation.
As an affair of such consequence could not be transacted without
opposition, they had provided divers ambuscades, consisting of the
enemy, whom they represented by grey peas; and accordingly General
Macleaver, perceiving the said grey peas marching along shore to attack
his forces before they could be drawn up in battalia, thus addressed
himself to the oyster-shells, in an audible voice:—“You men-of-war,
don’t you see the front of the enemy advancing, and the rest of the
detachment following out of sight? Arrah! the devil burn you, why don’t
you come ashore and open your batteries?” So saying, he pushed the
shells towards the breach, performed the cannonading with his voice,
the grey peas were soon put in confusion, the general was beat, the