The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Complete
cards marched forwards in order of battle, and the enemy having
retreated with great precipitation, they took possession of their
ground without farther difficulty.
CHAPTER FORTY
HE CONTEMPLATES MAJESTY AND ITS SATELLITES IN ECLIPSE.
This expedition being happily finished, General Macleaver put the whole
army, navy, transports, and scene of action into a canvas bag, the
prince unsaddled his nose, and Captain Minikin being admitted, our hero
was introduced in form. Very gracious was the reception he met with
from his majesty, who, with a most princely demeanour, welcomed him to
court, and even seated him on his right hand, in token of particular
regard. True it is, this presence-chamber was not so superb, nor the
appearance of the king so magnificent, as to render such an honour
intoxicating to any person of our hero’s coolness and discretion. In
lieu of tapestry, the apartment was hung with halfpenny ballads, a
truckle-bed without curtains supplied the place of a canopy, and
instead of a crown his majesty wore a woollen night-cap. Yet, in spite
of these disadvantages, there was an air of dignity in his deportment,
and a nice physiognomist would have perceived something majestic in the
features of his countenance.
He was certainly a personage of very prepossessing mien; his manners
were engaging, his conversation agreeable, and any man whose heart was
subject to the meltings of humanity would have deplored his distress,
and looked upon him as a most pathetic instance of that miserable
reverse to which all human grandeur is exposed. His fall was even
greater than that of Belisarius, who, after having obtained many
glorious victories over the enemies of his country, is said to have
been reduced to such extremity of indigence, that, in his old age, when
he was deprived of his eyesight, he sat upon the highway like a common
mendicant, imploring the charity of passengers in the piteous
exclamation of Date obolum Belisario; that is, “Spare a farthing to
your poor old soldier Belisarius.” I say, this general’s disgrace was
not so remarkable as that of Theodore, because he was the servant of
Justinian, consequently his fortune depended upon the nod of that
emperor; whereas the other actually possessed the throne of sovereignty
by the best of all titles, namely, the unanimous election of the people
over whom he reigned; and attracted the eyes of all Europe, by the
efforts he made in breaking the bands of oppression, and vindicating
that liberty which is the birthright of man.
The English of former days, alike renowned for generosity and valour,
treated those hostile princes, whose fate it was to wear their chains,
with such delicacy of benevolence, as even dispelled the horrors of
captivity; but their posterity of this refined age feel no compunction
at seeing an unfortunate monarch, their former friend, ally, and
partisan, languish amidst the miseries of a loathsome jail, for a
paltry debt contracted in their own service. But, moralising apart, our
hero had not long conversed with this extraordinary debtor, who in his
present condition assumed no other title than that of Baron, than he
perceived in him a spirit of Quixotism, which all his experience,
together with the vicissitudes of his fortune, had not been able to
overcome. Not that his ideas soared to such a pitch of extravagant hope
as that which took possession of his messmates, who frequently
quarrelled one with another about the degrees of favour to which they
should be entitled after the king’s restoration; but he firmly believed
that affairs would speedily take such a turn in Italy, as would point
out to the English court the expediency of employing him again; and his
persuasion seemed to support him against every species of poverty and
mortification.
While they were busy in trimming the balance of power on the other side
of the Alps, their deliberations were interrupted by the arrival of a
scullion, who came to receive their orders touching the bill of fare
for dinner, and his majesty found much more difficulty in settling this
important concern, than in compromising all the differences between the
Emperor and the Queen of Spain. At length, however, General Macleaver
undertook the office of purveyor for his prince; Captain Minikin
insisted upon treating the Count; and in a little time the table was
covered with a cloth, which, for the sake of my delicate readers, I
will not attempt to describe.
At this period they were joined by Sir Mungo Barebones, who, having
found means to purchase a couple of mutton chops, had cooked a mess of
broth, which he now brought in a saucepan to the general rendezvous.
This was the most remarkable object which had hitherto presented itself
to the eyes of Fathom. Being naturally of a meagre habit, he was, by
indigence and hard study, wore almost to the bone, and so bended
towards the earth, that in walking his body described at least 150
degrees of a circle. The want of stockings and shoes he supplied with a
jockey straight boot and an half jack. His thighs and middle were cased
in a monstrous pair of brown trunk breeches, which the keeper bought
for his use from the executor of a Dutch seaman who had lately died in
the jail. His shirt retained no signs of its original colour, his body
was shrouded in an old greasy tattered plaid nightgown; a blue and
white handkerchief surrounded his head, and his looks betokened that
immense load of care which he had voluntarily incurred for the eternal
salvation of sinners. Yet this figure, uncouth as it was, made his
compliments to our adventurer in terms of the most elegant address,
and, in the course of conversation, disclosed a great fund of valuable
knowledge. He had appeared in the great world, and borne divers offices
of dignity and trust with universal applause. His courage was
undoubted, his morals were unimpeached, and his person held in great
veneration and esteem; when his evil genius engaged him in the study of
Hebrew, and the mysteries of the Jewish religion, which fairly
disordered his brain, and rendered him incapable of managing his
temporal affairs. When he ought to have been employed in the functions
of his post, he was always wrapt in visionary conferences with Moses on
the Mount; rather than regulate the economy of his household, he chose
to exert his endeavours in settling the precise meaning of the word
Elohim; and having discovered that now the period was come, when the
Jews and Gentiles would be converted, he postponed every other
consideration, in order to facilitate that great and glorious event.
By this time Ferdinand had seen every member of the club, except the
French chevalier, who seemed to be quite neglected by the society; for
his name was not once mentioned during this communication, and they sat
down to dinner, without asking whether he was dead or alive. The king
regaled himself with a plate of ox-cheek; the major, who complained
that his appetite had forsaken him, amused himself with some forty hard
eggs, malaxed with salt butter; the knight indulged upon his soup and
bouilli, and the captain entertained our adventurer with a neck of veal
roasted with potatoes; but before Fathom could make use of his knife
and fork, he was summoned to the door, where he found the chevalier in
great agitation, his eyes sparkling like coals of fire.
Our hero was not a little surprised at this apparition, who, having
asked pardon for the freedom he had used, observed, that, understanding
the Count was a foreigner, he could not dispense with appealing to him
concerning an outrage he had suffered from the keeper, who, without any
regard to his rank or misfortunes, had been base enough to refuse him
credit for a few necessaries, until he could have a remittance from his
steward in France; he therefore conjured Count Fathom, as a stranger
and nobleman like himself, to be the messenger of defiance, which he
resolved to send to that brutal jailor, that, for the future, he might
learn to make proper distinctions in the exercise of his function.
Fathom, who had no inclination to offend this choleric Frenchman,
assured him that he might depend upon his friendship; and, in the
meantime, prevailed upon him to accept of a small supply, in
consequence of which he procured a pound of sausages, and joined the
rest of the company without delay; making a very suitable addition to
such an assemblage of rarities. Though his age did not exceed thirty
years, his beard, which was of a brindled hue, flowed down, like
Aaron’s, to his middle. Upon his legs he wore red stockings rolled up
over the joint of the knee, his breeches were of blue drab, with vellum
button-holes, and garters of gold lace, his waistcoat of scarlet, his
coat of rusty black cloth, his hair, twisted into a ramilie, hung down
to his rump, of the colour of jet, and his hat was adorned with a white
feather.
This original had formed many ingenious schemes to increase the glory
and grandeur of France, but was discouraged by Cardinal Fleury, who, in
all appearance, jealous of his great talents, not only rejected his
projects, but even sent him to prison, on pretence of being offended at
his impertinence. Perceiving that, like the prophet, he had no honour
in his own country, he no sooner obtained his release, than he retired
to England, where he was prompted by his philanthropy to propose an
expedient to our ministry, which would have saved a vast effusion of
blood and treasure; this was an agreement between the Queen of Hungary
and the late Emperor, to decide their pretensions by a single combat;
in which case he offered himself as the Bavarian champion; but in this
endeavour he also proved unsuccessful. Then turning his attention to
the delights of poetry, he became so enamoured of the muse, that he
neglected every other consideration, and she as usual gradually
conducted him to the author’s never-failing goal—a place of rest
appointed for all those sinners whom the profane love of poesy hath led
astray.
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
ONE QUARREL IS COMPROMISED, AND ANOTHER DECIDED BY UNUSUAL ARMS.
Among other topics of conversation that were discussed at this genial
meeting, Sir Mungo’s scheme was brought upon the carpet by his majesty,
who was graciously pleased to ask how his subscription filled? To this
interrogation the knight answered, that he met with great opposition
from a spirit of levity and self-conceit, which seemed to prevail in
this generation, but that no difficulties should discourage him from
persevering in his duty; and he trusted in God, that, in a very little
time, he should be able to confute and overthrow the false philosophy
of the moderns, and to restore the writings of Moses to that
pre-eminence and veneration which is due to an inspired author. He
spoke of the immortal Newton with infinite contempt, and undertook to
extract from the Pentateuch a system of chronology which would
ascertain the progress of time since the fourth day of the creation to
the present hour, with such exactness, that not one vibration of a
pendulum should be lost; nay, he affirmed that the perfection of all
arts and sciences might be attained by studying these secret memoirs,
and that he himself did not despair of learning from them the art of
transmuting baser metals into gold.
The chevalier, though he did not pretend to contradict these
assertions, was too much attached to his own religion to acquiesce in
the knight’s project of converting the Jews and the Gentiles to the
Protestant heresy, which, he said, God Almighty would never suffer to
triumph over the interests of his own Holy Catholic Church. This
objection produced abundance of altercation between two very unequal
disputants; and the Frenchman, finding himself puzzled by the learning