The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Complete
of his antagonist, had recourse to the argumentum ad hominem, by laying
his hand upon his sword, and declaring that he was ready to lose the
last drop of his blood in opposition to such a damnable scheme.
Sir Mungo, though in all appearance reduced to the last stage of animal
existence, no sooner heard this epithet applied to his plan, than his
eyes gleamed like lightning, he sprung from his seat with the agility
of a grasshopper, and, darting himself out at the door like an arrow
from a bow, reappeared in a moment with a long rusty weapon, which
might have been shown among a collection of rarities as the sword of
Guy Earl of Warwick. This implement he brandished over the chevalier’s
head with the dexterity of an old prize-fighter, exclaiming, in the
French language, “Thou art a profane wretch marked out for the
vengeance of Heaven, whose unworthy minister I am, and here thou shalt
fall by the sword of the Lord and of Gideon.”
The chevalier, unterrified by this dreadful salutation, desired he
would accompany him to a more convenient place; and the world might
have been deprived of one or both these knights-errant, had not General
Macleaver, at the desire of his majesty, interposed, and found means to
bring matters to an accommodation.
In the afternoon the society was visited by the major’s cousin and her
daughters, who no sooner appeared than they were recognised by our
adventurer, and his acquaintance with them renewed in such a manner as
alarmed the delicacy of Captain Minikin, who in the evening repaired to
the Count’s apartment, and with a formal physiognomy, accosted him in
these words: “Sir, I beg pardon for this intrusion, but I come to
consult you about an affair in which my honour is concerned; and a
soldier without honour, you know, is no better than a body without a
soul. I have always admired that speech of Hotspur in the first part of
Henry the Fourth:
By Heaven, methinks it were an easy leap,
To pluck bright honour from the pale-fac’d moon;
Or dive into the bottom of the deep,
Where fathom-line could never touch the ground,
And pluck up drowned honour by the locks—
“There is a boldness and ease in the expression, and the images are
very picturesque. But, without any further preamble, pray, sir, give me
leave to ask how long you have been acquainted with those ladies who
drank tea with us this afternoon. You’ll forgive the question, sir,
when I tell you that Major Macleaver introduced Mrs. Minikin to them as
to ladies of character, and, I don’t know how, sir, I have a sort of
presentiment that my wife has been imposed upon. Perhaps I may be
mistaken, and God grant I may. But there was a je ne sais quoi in their
behaviour to-day, which begins to alarm my suspicion. Sir, I have
nothing but my reputation to depend upon, and I hope you will excuse
me, when I earnestly beg to know what rank they maintain in life.”
Fathom, without minding the consequence, told him, with a simper, that
he knew them to be very good-natured ladies, who devoted themselves to
the happiness of mankind. This explanation had no sooner escaped from
his lips, than the captain’s face began to glow with indignation, his
eyes seemed bursting from their spheres, he swelled to twice his
natural dimensions, and, raising himself on his tiptoes, pronounced, in
a strain that emulated thunder, “Blood! sir, you seem to make very
light of the matter, but it is no joke to me, I’ll assure you, and
Macleaver shall see that I am not to be affronted with impunity. Sir, I
shall take it as a singular favour if you will be the bearer of a
billet to him, which I shall write in three words; nay, sir, you must
give me leave to insist upon it, as you are the only gentleman of our
mess whom I can intrust with an affair of this nature.”
Fathom, rather than run the risk of disobliging such a punctilious
warrior, after having in vain attempted to dissuade him from his
purpose, undertook to carry the challenge, which was immediately penned
in these words:
“SIR,
You have violated my honour in imposing upon Mrs. Minikin your
pretended cousins as ladies of virtue and reputation. I therefore
demand such satisfaction as a soldier ought to receive, and expect you
will adjust with my friend Count Fathom the terms upon which you shall
be met by the much injured
GOLIAH MINIKIN.”
This morceau being sealed and directed, was forthwith carried by our
adventurer to the lodgings of the major, who had by this time retired
to rest, but hearing the Count’s voice, he got up and opened the door
in cuerpo, to the astonishment of Ferdinand, who had never before seen
such an Herculean figure. He made an apology for receiving the Count in
his birthday suit, to which he said he was reduced by the heat of his
constitution, though he might have assigned a more adequate cause, by
owning that his shirt was in the hands of his washerwoman; then
shrouding himself in a blanket, desired to know what had procured him
the honour of such an extraordinary visit. He read the letter with
great composure, like a man accustomed to such intercourse; then
addressing himself to the bearer, “I will be after diverting the
gentleman,” said he, “in any manner he shall think proper; but, by
Jesus, this is no place for such amusements, because, as you well know,
my dear Count, if both should be killed by the chance of war, neither
of us will be able to escape, and after the breath is out of his body,
he will make but a sorry excuse to his family and friends. But that is
no concern of mine, and therefore I am ready to please him in his own
way.”
Fathom approved of his remarks, which he reinforced with sundry
considerations, to the same purpose, and begged the assistance of the
major’s advice, in finding some expedient to terminate the affair
without bloodshed, that no troublesome consequences might ensue either
to him or to his antagonist, who, in spite of this overstraining
formality, seemed to be a person of worth and good-nature. “With all my
heart,” said the generous Hibernian, “I have a great regard for the
little man, and my own character is not to seek at this time of day. I
have served a long apprenticeship to fighting, as this same carcase can
testify, and if he compels me to run him through the body, by my soul,
I shall do it in a friendly manner.”
So saying, he threw aside the blanket, and displayed scars and seams
innumerable upon his body, which appeared like an old patched leathern
doublet. “I remember,” proceeded this champion, “when I was a slave at
Algiers, Murphy Macmorris and I happened to have some difference in the
bagnio, upon which he bade me turn out. ‘Arra, for what?’ said I; ‘here
are no weapons that a gentleman can use, and you would not be such a
negro as to box like an English carman.’ After he had puzzled himself
for some time, he proposed that we should retire into a corner, and
funk one another with brimstone, till one of us should give out.
Accordingly we crammed half a dozen tobacco pipes with sulphur, and,
setting foot to foot, began to smoke, and kept a constant fire, until
Macmorris dropped down; then I threw away my pipe, and taking poor
Murphy in my arms, ‘What, are you dead?’ said I; ‘if you are dead,
speak.’ ‘No, by Jesus!’ cried he, ‘I an’t dead, but I’m speechless.’ So
he owned I had obtained the victory, and we were as good friends as
ever. Now, if Mr. Minikin thinks proper to put the affair upon the same
issue, I will smoke a pipe of brimstone with him to-morrow morning, and
if I cry out first, I will be after asking pardon for this supposed
affront.”
Fathom could not help laughing at the proposal, to which, however, he
objected on account of Minikin’s delicate constitution, which might
suffer more detriment from breathing in an atmosphere of sulphur than
from the discharge of a pistol, or the thrust of a small sword. He
therefore suggested another expedient in lieu of the sulphur, namely,
the gum called assafatida, which, though abundantly nauseous, could
have no effect upon the infirm texture of the lieutenant’s lungs. This
hint being relished by the major, our adventurer returned to his
principal, and having repeated the other’s arguments against the use of
mortal instruments, described the succedaneum which he had concerted
with Macleaver. The captain at first believed the scheme was calculated
for subjecting him to the ridicule of his fellow-prisoners, and began
to storm with great violence; but, by the assurances and address of
Fathom, he was at length reconciled to the plan, and preparations were
made on each side for this duel, which was actually smoked next day,
about noon, in a small closet, detached from the challenger’s
apartment, and within hearing of his majesty, and all his court,
assembled as witnesses and umpires of the contest.
The combatants, being locked up together, began to ply their engines
with great fury, and it was not long before Captain Minikin perceived
he had a manifest advantage over his antagonist. For his organs were
familiarised to the effluvia of this drug, which he had frequently used
in the course of an hypochondriac disorder; whereas Macleaver, who was
a stranger to all sorts of medicine, by his wry faces and attempts to
puke, expressed the utmost abhorrence of the smell that invaded his
nostrils. Nevertheless, resolved to hold out to the last extremity, he
continued in action until the closet was filled with such an
intolerable vapour as discomposed the whole economy of his entrails,
and compelled him to disgorge his breakfast in the face of his
opponent, whose nerves were so disconcerted by this disagreeable and
unforeseen discharge, that he fell back into his chair in a swoon, and
the major bellowed aloud for assistance. The door being opened, he ran
directly to the window, to inhale the fresh air, while the captain,
recovering from his fit, complained of Macleaver’s unfair proceeding,
and demanded justice of the arbitrators, who decided in his favour; and
the major being prevailed upon to ask pardon for having introduced Mrs.
Minikin to women of rotten reputation, the parties were reconciled to
each other, and peace and concord re-established in the mess.
Fathom acquired universal applause for his discreet and humane conduct
upon this occasion; and that same afternoon had an opportunity of
seeing the lady in whose cause he had exerted himself. He was presented
to her as the husband’s particular friend, and when she understood how
much she was indebted to his care and concern for the captain’s safety,
she treated him with uncommon marks of distinction; and he found her a
genteel, well-bred woman, not without a good deal of personal charms,
and a well-cultivated understanding.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
AN UNEXPECTED RENCONTRE, AND A HAPPY REVOLUTION IN THE AFFAIRS OF OUR
ADVENTURER.
As she did not lodge within the precincts of this garrison, she was one
day, after tea, conducted to the gate by the captain and the Count, and
just as they approached the turnkey’s lodge, our hero’s eyes were
struck with the apparition of his old companion Renaldo, son of his
benefactor and patron, the Count de Melvil. What were the emotions of
his soul, when he saw that young gentleman enter the prison, and
advance towards him, after having spoke to the jailor! He never doubted
that, being informed of his confinement, he was come to upbraid him
with his villany and ingratitude, and he in vain endeavoured to
recollect himself from that terror and guilty confusion which his
appearance had inspired; when the stranger, lifting up his eyes,
started back with signs of extreme amazement, and, after a considerable
pause, exclaimed, “Heaven and earth! Sure my eyes do not deceive me! is
not your name Fathom? It is, it must be my old friend and companion,